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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Cutting v. 2

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if you feel such a strong urge to feel physical pain, i have a couple of harmless ways of feeling pain that you may of learned while 'getting help'.

try squeezing an ice cube, it will indeed hurt, and eventually make your hand go numb, then as the ice melts, imagine the stress doing the same, melting away, out of your body and out of your mind.

wear a rubber band or two around your wrist, and if you feel the need, grab pull and, snap. you can pull as hard as you feel the need for, creating more pain or less the more taut you make the rubber band(s).


NSFW:
ive only had two instances where i cut my self, both times separated by 16 years, the last i was using a dull cheap butcher knife. i never thought i would do it again, but i was very depressed and very drunk. i went for my triceps, then began with my throat, looking in the mirror i started drawing blood, then stopped. this was in december or january, i felt the craving, it was new to me and strong.


i opted to continue battering myself with beer, and read through this thread, the cravings lasted a few months but eventually subsided; the ice cubes really helped in the meantime. now it disturbs me to recall that night, and those months, i cant imagine doing it again.
 
panic in paradise said:
i opted to continue battering myself with beer, and read through this thread, the cravings lasted a few months but eventually subsided; the ice cubes really helped in the meantime. now it disturbs me to recall that night, and those months, i cant imagine doing it again.
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thanks PIP - i recall reading those ideas earlier but seeing someone else has bn thru the 'trying out the self-harm game' but getting to it fast using those coping mechanisms is helpful *hugs*

im ready to face cravings maybe for a few months but hey.....i go thru enough cravings with meth - i dont need the self-harming to add to it

ill make some ice now (no....not that kind of ice....;))
 
When i self harm it tends to be when im in a mixed state episode. I hate those because i get really manic and edgy yet im suicidally depressed. It's one of the most dangerous psychological states you can have because people often commit suicide when they are suffering a episode.

The reason that i cut when im like that is because i feel like i need to get that pent up energy out some way and the pain that comes from cutting or any form of self harm seems to get some of that pent up frustration out of me. Thats why i always throw alcohol on my arm after i do it because it stings like a motherfucker unlike peroxide or whatever.

I find that working out helps stop the urge to hurt myself. Ive had real bad mixed states and have ended up doing 50 knuckle pushups or more to help get that energy out while waiting for the seroquel to kick in. One time when i was really bad i ended up doing something like 70 knuckle pushups in a row. To this day i have no idea how i did that much but when i finally calmed down boy did my arms hurt.

Thankfully i have zyprexa zydis these days and that works in about 20 minutes and that knocks the mania right out and i have no desire to cut at all then. I really should invest in a punching bag because that is a great way to get that pent up frustration out.
 
zydis kicks in fast - that was a gd idea to go on that PA

ive tried the ice cube thing.....and the rubber band thing but ur right PIP, i still hav the urge to do the burning

this is a problem cos my mum watches me shower atm since ive bn recently having so many seizures
last night she saw the burn marks all round my thighs - i told her it was by mistake and she said 'wat do u think i am - stupid?'

ive started seeing a trauma therapist about something that happened to me last yr that cud b tied in with why im wanting to punish myself and why im feeling so much emotional pain i need to transfer it to physical pain
however talking about it today was really painful - i was made to go into details

Mums all paranoid ill do more burning so shes taken all the lighters away.....and im a smoker so im sitting out on the doorstep with matches wishing at 25 i wasnt being treated like a kid!
 
To be fair, she's just worried about you. Obviously taking away lighters is kind of stupid, obviously if you really wanted to do something that wouldn't stop you. My mom did the same thing to me when I lived with her.

But I do the same thing, burn... definitely a PTSD thing to do, any kind of self harming. I do it probably a few times a year now but I have some really embarrassing shit on me (including the word "cunt" scarred into my left arm). Don't remember that one, but I get reminded of it daily. Not exactly a mood lifter :/

And trauma therapist = great
 
This is becoming real problem lately. Its on my mind all the time. Well more so when I'm sober. But it happens even when I'm with other people. I just want to grab a sharp razor blade and go hacking away at my wrists. The scary thing is idk when or if it will stop. Will it be stitches or worse? Its summer its not like I can hide it, and no matter what not from the bf.
Its all coming back, the depression, the suicidal thoughts, the cutting desires, even the flashes of be dying. I used to see that all the time. Visualization in my head of me committing suicide. Happened when I was HS, and on SSRIs, but it happened last night coming home from school. I just "saw" my car coming off the road, and into a something, the blood just coming out of my mouth...
 
Pillthrill,

I feel you, I go through similar feelings with wanting to burn myself. Also the visualizations of all kinds of ways of dying and/or killing myself, especially the car thing as you describe it. I think you need to tell all of this stuff to a doctor, and asap at that. You may want to think of some inpatient time, if you really aren't sure if you can control yourself.
For me it's kind of like a switch, usually I can think of it and really want to do it but know I won't, but when that switch gets set off, all bets are off and I am definitely capable and have done it many times (even crashing the car, also burning obviously, broke my wrist on purpose once, etc, etc). Don't know what to say but I hope these visualizations and suicidal/self harm idealization goes away soon for you.
 
I had them more when I was on SSRIs when I was younger. That stuff is the devil to me. It was ONCE in a LONG time, coming back from my death and dying class...perhaps that was the trigger, idk. I didn't really die per se, there was just blood.
One of the ones I had when I was in HS was REALLY just sick and scared me. So I won't say here. Although I don't mind ppl asking. I told my therapist at the time...I don't remember what happened actually, if I was still going, idk.

I can control myself from doing anything stupid. I'm have THOUGHTS and SEEING IT, not INTENTIONS or INTENT TO ACTION. Last thing I need is inpatinet.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that sees that crap in my head. Its like a movie that just plays for a few seconds and you can't make it stop. Its horrible and idk I thought perhaps I was just REALLY fucked up.

If anyone else has these it would be nice to hear how you deal with it. I thought about starting a thread...haven't decided. Opinions on it are welcome.
 
This might sound kind of stupid, but when I feel really shitty, I make a contract with myself... spell it out, handwritten, and in my case have myself and all of my alters sign it... we all could do it I usually could trust I would be okay. But as you said you have no intentions, I was thinking you perhaps did, that's great that you don't, and yes as you said inpatient would be horrible for you.

I've always thought it was just your sub-conscious playing tricks with your ideation - also I found a pattern it happens more later at night (after 9pm) and more on any drugs, for me. IDK it may be a somewhat more uncommon symptom of depression. Not sure. Anyone?

I'd welcome a thread on it. Maybe you just found the only other looney on here with that symptom too lol
 
Night yes, more time to think. But any time to think is bad. Drugs no. Drugs turn the brain off. Drugs make me happy, make me smile, make me social. Thats my take on that one.
 
nah u guys rnt the only 'loonies' there, but i really dont like that term tbh......were all individuals
some of us hav had really horrible things happen to us and hav consequently had conditions brought on us such as BPD (PT) or PTSD (lasthurrah/me)

i dont visualise myself dying but i visualise the thing happening that happened to me to set all this off and make me think 'im a bad person - i deserve punishing' then i go into a dissosociative state and thats wen i burn/use methamphetamine (which, like PTs drug use for her, turns my brain off - i either burn as in burn myself or burn as in 'hav a burn', a NZ term for smoking meth).......during this dissosiative state i dont think about anything logic, all i think about is......well its like watching a movie of myself being hurt in the way i was last yr

eventually this will get too much for me and i will self-harm or use drugs
i tried cutting into my thigh wen Mum took my lighter off me and i was desperate to get rid of a painful flashback but the release of blood didnt actually stop the pain for some reason (and now i hav an ugly scar) so i just walked up the road and bought another lighter which i hid

i decided i wud try to cut down on how often i
A) burn
B) use meth

so far ive bn a gd week without meth but i burnt earlier on today wen i found out my friend (whos a junkie/meth addict) is pregnant and has developed hep C (wats more the acute symptoms - she never knew she had it and now she has to hav treatment yet i dont think she can hav interferon wen shes pregnant.....also shes looking at jail time)

i was really emotional, her mum was looking after me today (other ppl r caring for me atm cos im having so many seizures, cos of the suicidal ideations and cos my asthmas bn really bad - like i was in hospital this morning) - and i went out the back and burnt myself
it was stupid cos i hadnt even had a flashback, im just using it as a coping mechanism for more and more silly things
hey - its not me whos pregnant with acute hep C looking at jail time! 8(

PT, u r welcome to make a thread about anything - u dont need to ask permission (unless its something u think might not b very appropriate, but i think uve got decent enough judgment)
id b happy to join in one about the subject u mentioned as u see its a problem for me too (in a slightly diffrent way maybe but wat the hell....)
take care both of u - lasthurrah, apart from the DID i so identify with u as u know from our PMs <3
 
drug_wench, I also have asthma and used to smoke my opiates. So there was a cycle where we would use and then run out of money and get to the hospital because of asthma/cough and getting more narcotics for the cough. Can't tell you how many times we did that.
Drugs stopped my pain for a long time until I was using them so much and my tolerance was so high that it didn't stop the bad feelings - flashbacks, self-hate, and on and on - AND I felt the guilt from using, and at that point I freaked and resumed burning myself (Which I hadn't done for several years) and the end result was detox and inpatient for PTSD. Nowadays when I use, it dulls the pain just like it used to. But I know it will eventually stop working if I just keep burying my problems with more drugs.

About dissociation, I dissociate naturally, almost to the point that it seems more natural to me than not dissociating. I "see" myself doing things like you describe, drug_wench, but of course I also have the blackouts from DID and just find myself with injuries that were obviously self inflicted.

This also happens in situations that are not stressful. I used to dissociate at work when I worked at Borders (bookstore), and that certainly wasn't stressful. I would say I am always at least a little dissociated, and often way more than that.

At least we know what's happening now! Back then I just thought I was crazy, hearing voices and feeling like I was several dozen people at once, losing time, finding things in my closet I didn't remember buying, people coming up to me on the street calling me other names. Scary stuff. At least now I know what the problem is, and what the symptoms are.
 
Im so pissed off at everything now that i feel like cutting. Some kind of release to get out this pent up energy and rage. But im not giving in that easy not this time. Im going to hit the weights and if i still feel like this after i will take some zyprexa zydis. That helps alot.
 
I get into dissociative states too. I've had therapists be kinda idk, strange about it. Suggesting it was odd and perhaps there was more to my issues than even what I know.
For me, its not bad. I just can't handle what is going on around me or in my head so I "check out". Sometimes I stare into nothing...I feel myself being pulled back. Its like taking a step back out of myself. Everything becomes dulled.
I don't tend to cut when I'm like that. It somewhat welcomed. Its like my mind says "Ok, too much crap here."
I don't "See" myself, like out of body or anything, I'm just not all there. Like I've taken 2 steps back into my own mind...as some sort of protection or whatever. I have no idea.

But drugs can do the same thing, high I will just space out. But I'm not the only one that does that. I see others do it too.

DW- I do get the whole, "I'm a bad person..." thing too. I wish we weren't all so hard on ourselves. I say worse things in my head sometimes than anyone has ever said to me and thats saying something sometimes.

But no more flashes. Thank god.
 
I just noticed all the "we"'s in my post up there. Qualifying myself as "we" is usually a good sign that I am dissociating hardcore, and close to switching/blacking out.

You have BPD, correct Pillthrill? I thought Dissociation was common with BPD, which is the main reason a lot of people with PTSD get misdiagnosed as BPD (or as only BPD when they have both BPD and PTSD)... may be wrong about that. A lot of therapist are scared when it comes to dissociation and trance type states, that's why it's good to have a specialist who has dealt with it before and knows how to communicate with people in those states - and when to leave them alone. I know most therapists would have no idea what to do if I was seeing them and switch into a 5 year old kid and asked where my mommy was. My therapist knows how to handle stuff like that, which is basically to go along with it and coax that personality into getting "Erica" back or at least "an adult".

The way you are describing your dissociation it sounds low level. And you have it right, your brain does it when there's "too much crap" going on at once. It's disconnection of head from body, and it's an advanced coping skill, although they've done tests and dogs and cats seem to do it under distress as well.

I don't tend to burn when I'm at a low level of dissociation, only when I'm on the really high end for a long time and my alters are berating me, or taunting me, or daring me to do it. And if I refuse I may switch and do it anyway. But I've gotten better in that regard. I have also had one case where I was so dissociated I was truly not sure if I was alive or not, and self harmed.

I do have a scar of "cunt" burning into my left forearm right at the point where a doc would take you're blood pressure. Pretty embarrassing. The alter who did that, and I do know who it is, is very much still under the control of the guy who kidnapped me many years ago, in fact I'm pretty sure he (the alter) has even talked to the guy without my knowledge. Pretty fucked up. I don't know that for sure, but after almost 5 years away most of my other alters just 'get' that what he did was wrong, and they don't continue to perpetrate it. This alter does continue, and well I guess I have to work on that. Sorry for the long rambling post.
 
Yeah BPD is the main issue, but there are others that add to it. Yeah but the therapist suggested it was too idk extreme for what those with BPD experience. Maybe she didn't know what she was talking about, wouldn't be the first one.
Advanced coping skill? She treated it as if well, I had used it before under something like sexual abuse that I don't remember. I honestly don't take much to set it off. Its all automatic.
 
It may be that you used it during an abusive experience that you repressed, but most likely your therapist did not know enough about you to suggest that. Children use dissociation pretty much automatically as needed (extreme abuse included, but also for things like bullying and being examined by doctors, stuff like that), and so if you used it as a child more often than most, for whatever reason, you are more likely to use it as an adult in everyday or somewhat stressful situations (like maybe seeing a therapist you don't trust?).
Dissociation is normal, everyone does it.. but there is a continuum from healthy dissociation, to unhealthy, to the extreme which is DID (what I have).

disscon.gif


This is a REALLY shitty depiction of the scale, but it gives you an idea. You have normal dissociation, like just spacing out, doing things automatically (making breakfast, taking a shower, etc.), to dissociative disorders like out of body experiences (you don't have to actually see your body to be having an OBE - you just have to feel removed from yourself). Also throw in their derealization, depersonalization, stuff like that - if this happens once in a while, it's pretty normal, but if it affects your life significantly, you could have a dissociative disorder.
After that, your personality starts to split more signifigantly than in every day life. Everyone has different 'parts' - the drug user, the student, the girlfriend, etc. - but they become more separated from the whole to the point of... let's give an example. A kid has some trauma going on at home and usually he can hide it because he's 'the student' at school and 'the abused kid' at home. But what happens when there's a parent-teacher conference? Kid has no idea how to act. At home he is quiet and does as he's told as he's abused, at school he's bright and attentive. Put them together, it doesn't work so well, when you've gotten to this point. Kid in this example probably will end up having PTSD, and may have fragmented 'parts' of himself, maybe even he names them. But it can go up from there, until they are so separated that you have DID and there's a lot more to that, but that's not what we're talking about.
 
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btrswiet7u4ia said:
I hate it when psychs. suggest abuse. It's like they're trying to make their job easier at your expense...
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I agree that no doctor should ever suggest abuse, except in rare cases. Very rare cases, like I knew a woman who slept in the same bed as her father and was in her 30's, and had no idea anything was wrong with that. But for the vast majority of cases, no one should suggest shit like that, make people worry for no reason. Whether they have significant abuse or not, they will find out on their own when they are ready. No one should be probing your brain "looking" for abuse.
 
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