Sleeping WIth Satan **Please Critique**

[a100unitSHOT]

Betrayed by a kiss which clutched a knife
With a stab in the back, you took my life
You danced with Satan in a drunken bliss
You sold your soul for one last kiss

As I watched your world become my hell,
I cried dry tears, and as they fell
You took a breath and breathed them in
When you exhaled, you choked on sin

That night can't be justifed (you're dead to me)
I begged for truth, but you still lied (you're dead to me)
After all those years, you never learned:
"You sleep with Satan, and you get burned."

With crooked horns and a twisted mouth,
He begged for more and you shelled out.
His split tongue caressed your face
With a numb mind, you took a taste...

In the dark... You raped my heart...
As we slept... Miles apart....
The blankets pulled.... Over your skull...
But underneath... Your arms were full....

The next morning, as you got dressed,
You saw the sign of Satan scratched in your breast
Memories, forever etched in your head
Was it worth it now that your fucking dead?

 

[a100unitSHOT]

ABOUT - Obviously... I was cheated on by a (what I considered to be) very serious girlfriend. Not only that, but it was with her bf she had before me. And he was a piece of shit. God fucking damnit, I hated him. Hence the "Satan" metaphor.

ALSO - I know the the verses that start with "That night can't be...." and "In the dark... you...." kinda ruin the flow... but it was written as a song, and those are the corus and verse, respectively. So they do flow when accompanied with the music... (angry song...)

 

[up all night]

I read this this morning and thought I commented! Ah well, guess not.

I would LOVE to hear this to music. The lyrics are so strong. Any chance of that?

 

[TheDeceased]

I really liked this. In terms of criticism though, I think the first two lines of the third stanza, the last two lines of the fifth stanza and the first two lines of the sixth stanza detract a little from the otherwise beautiful flow you have going. More specifically, in the 3rd - the number of syllables are off, in the 5th - scull doesn't ryhme with full, in the 6th again the syllables are off a bit. Which I don't normally mind, but the piece is so structured that when it reads there is an interuprtion in terms of the readability cause it shifts from it's very formulaic and rythmic style. Needs a little edit but very nice work. Post some more.

 

[a100unitSHOT]

I read this this morning and thought I commented! Ah well, guess not.

I would LOVE to hear this to music. The lyrics are so strong. Any chance of that?

Haha... um.... I wrote the song when I was 18, and in a punk(ish), semi-hardcore band.... Obviously it wasn't a typical punk/hardcore band due to the fact the content was emotional and had substance, but the fact remains, most people probably wouldn't like the music.... But the band (which is now defunct) has a myspace, and I don't know if that exact song is on the playlist, but I think the web address is myspace.com/thickwit (the band was thickwit). If that one isn't on there, there are other songs with what I consider to have lyrics that are good too....

Thank you for the comment. I really appreciate it!

 

[a100unitSHOT]

I really liked this. In terms of criticism though, I think the first two lines of the third stanza, the last two lines of the fifth stanza and the first two lines of the sixth stanza detract a little from the otherwise beautiful flow you have going. More specifically, in the 3rd - the number of syllables are off, in the 5th - scull doesn't ryhme with full, in the 6th again the syllables are off a bit. Which I don't normally mind, but the piece is so structured that when it reads there is an interuprtion in terms of the readability cause it shifts from it's very formulaic and rythmic style. Needs a little edit but very nice work. Post some more.

Thank you for the post. I appreciate all critiques! Um, for the third and fifth verse though, as I stated, I know the flow is off.... but it was written as a song, which the choruses and bridges kind of are different from the verses, and those two are the chorus and bridge, respectively. But I do think you are right about the last one. I will consider revising. It's just hard because I'm so used to it because it wrote it like five years ago.... so it's hard to change...

But once again, thank you very much for the reply.... I've noticed a lot of people don't post anything on other people's work, so thank you for your time. It means a lot. :D

As for posting more.... I plan to soon. I just don't want to piss people off and start going crazy with my stuff. Tee hee. I do already have another post a little farther down the "words" page. It's called "a few more by a100unitSHOT". It has three more poems in it.