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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS Eating Disorders Megathread

I have never talked about my ED with anyone, anywhere, at anytime, but I'm feeling like a lost puppy lately.

I've purged every day since Saturday, even today, when I wasn't planning on it, my gag reflex kicked in and as soon as I ate the last bite of food it was coming back up.

I was triggered Saturday, which is why I started purging again, but I had been slowly slipping into old habits for quite some time...pretending that I'm not realizing that I haven't eaten, getting to busy to eat early on so that later I get past the point of hunger, etc.

And my thoughts and "feelings" have been just as bad. I've been feeling fat, feeling that everyone who looks at me thinks I'm fat, thinking that everyone is secretly talking about how fat I am behind my back.

Today, for the first time in ages, I cried over all of this. I hate hate hate this stupid disease.
 
Thanks for sharing those pics COTB. Doesn't matter that you don't come back in this thread, you're right, we all have our coping mechanisms :)
Great to hear you're doing well hun <3


kc, I know what you're going through hun, I was in a place like this about 6 months ago :( *big hugs*
It really can raise it's ugly head at any time. And things always seem to get shitty again all at the same time, which only makes everything worse!!

I know you've got a lot on your plate at the moment but if you can try to get some control back over one of your bad habits, I think you'll start to feel much better and it will become much easier to get out of the dark place you're in.

Get some healthy food, some fruit and vegies and maybe some tins of tuna etc. If you eat healthy you might feel less bad about it? Also, try to eat small meals more frequently so you don't have that "ultra full" feeling that makes you want to purge. After you've eaten, do something that will distract you from the full feeling until it digests a bit, then the urge to bring it back up will pass.

Can you maybe start some gentle exercise too? That is the NUMBER ONE THING that helps me worry less about my body.

Best of luck sweety, I know you can beat this <3
 
C0TB those gave me a chuckle. No pressure to come back either! I know this thread sometimes makes me feel a little worse, but ultimately better. BL is a slight trigger for me but it gives me so much help back, and I learn to deal with it in my own odd ways.

kc, you are gorgeous bella. Seriously.
As n3o said, eating healthily will definitely help you avoid feeling so guilty about eating.
Eat small meals. Lots and lots of fruit.
If you can - avoid carbs as much as possible because I know they are the one thing that helps me avoid feeling so goddamn guilty.
Exercise definitely will help also. Knowing you burnt off even a little bit of the stuff generally makes ED sufferers feel a whole lot better.
Much love to everyone here ; we need to fight this bullshit. Slow little steps my babies. :)
 
I am really broke right now (like under on my bank account broke) until tomorrow when I get paid. So I have been living off of a very small amount of food items. When I eat normally I have usually around 2000ish calories, give or take ( don't really count) this is when I am doing well, not caring what I eat or how big my body is, etc.

Now that I've been forced to cut my intake down, I have been forcibly thrown right back into my eating disorder. My intake is slashed to about 1000 cals at the most, and I've lost almost five pounds in 4 days. this is enough for my hipbones to re-emerge and for my mind to go crazy, estimating numbers again and prolonging my little minimeals until my hunger is overwhelming.

Today I actually ate a little more than I have been the past few days in one sitting and then I walked immediately to class and I felt so ill, cramping up and feeling like I needed to puke. It was as though my stomach was shrunken and couldn't handle that much food at one time. I ended up purging a small amount just to feel comfortable again, afterwards I felt better. i think it was just a mental thing, but I am starting to scare myself.

I hate this disorder I've been dealing with it for 7 years now and just when you think you've got a handle on it, something will come up and it will just cripple you again.
 
Hey pilldout, sorry to hear you've been having troubles :(

Have you been paid now? Go to the grocery store and buy yourself some nice healthy fresh food. Try to make sure it's low-GI and as unprocessed as possible, so that your blood sugar level doesn't fluctuate too much (causing hunger and the resulting thought patterns).

I too think that these horrible relationships we have with food and our bodies are something that won't ever go away...but that doesn't mean we can't be strong and have a firm grasp on them forever.
You don't have to succumb to it. Be strong <3
 
It's so weird how you just WANT to be healthy when you have someone telling you how beautiful you are.

I mean, sure, I still want to lose weight, but I think that is realistic cause I AM overweight right now, but I don't feel as much pressure to get it off ASAP...
 
I'm of a similar attitude/thought pattern kc.

When I'm exercising a lot, and I mean a lot, I eat less and less, and lose more and more weight. And I'm happy because I look great :)

But then something happens in my life and I start drinking. And if I'm drinking a lot of alcohol I'm hardly exercising at all, and I eat lots of carbs (especially sugar) and I just do not care about the weight/loss of body tone.

It's a vicious cycle.....
 
I didn't let myself exercise today and I ate 300 more calories than normal...

I feel so guilty I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep now :( fuck this disease
 
mrs_mia_wallace said:
I didn't let myself exercise today and I ate 300 more calories than normal...

I feel so guilty I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep now :( fuck this disease
Click to expand...

Try not to beat yourself up over it. I know it can be hard, but the best thing you can do is try to think about the positive things about yourself. I have been struggling to get past my binge eating for a few months now and have steadily gotten more and more depressed and more and more obsessed about my weight. I actually came into TDS specifically looking for a thread that might be on this topic a few days ago but couldn't find anything. Then up pops this thread and I feel like I'm not so alone anymore.

Yesterday I admitted to a friend that I had an eating disorder and we both shared our body image issues over a pint. By the end of the talk I felt such a weight lifted, it was the first time I have ever said it out loud. He didn't judge me, and I didn't judge him. And I didn't over eat yesterday. Baby steps I guess. Today while jogging with my S/O I admitted to her that I have been emotionally wrecked, she had no idea. I think it helped to talk about it. Maybe I should look into getting therapy so I can figure out why I am this way. Maybe some day. For now it helps just knowing I have this forum where I can discuss, read, learn, and hopefully remind myself to try and look at the positive things.
 
pw that is great that you've finally spoken to someone about your eating disorder. It feels so relieving just to talk about it huh :)
You're right, things like this take baby steps. You can't rush recovery. I would definitely recommend that you talk to your doctor about it, therapy will be a vital part in recovering.
All in good time though :)
Good luck <3
 
pw1024 said:
Try not to beat yourself up over it. I know it can be hard, but the best thing you can do is try to think about the positive things about yourself. I have been struggling to get past my binge eating for a few months now and have steadily gotten more and more depressed and more and more obsessed about my weight. I actually came into TDS specifically looking for a thread that might be on this topic a few days ago but couldn't find anything. Then up pops this thread and I feel like I'm not so alone anymore.

Yesterday I admitted to a friend that I had an eating disorder and we both shared our body image issues over a pint. By the end of the talk I felt such a weight lifted, it was the first time I have ever said it out loud. He didn't judge me, and I didn't judge him. And I didn't over eat yesterday. Baby steps I guess. Today while jogging with my S/O I admitted to her that I have been emotionally wrecked, she had no idea. I think it helped to talk about it. Maybe I should look into getting therapy so I can figure out why I am this way. Maybe some day. For now it helps just knowing I have this forum where I can discuss, read, learn, and hopefully remind myself to try and look at the positive things.
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Thanks :)

It does feel good to talk to people who know where you're coming from :) one of my old best friends had an eating disorder and if one of us was ever having a problem we could tell immidietly and talk it out... we used to just sit down and spend hours sewing and talking, it made me feel soo much better. But I haven't talked to him in a long time--fucking drugs destroyed that.

I ended up eating more last night because I was feeling so much better after hearing from one of my friends... but now I feel like shit for it and keep obsessing over whether my clothes feel like they're tighter...
 
mia, I know you've said in tha past that doctors/therapists haven't helped you, but why don't you try again? You need help. This is just something you're going to have to keep fighting until you overcome it.
I know it's been a part of your life for so long so it would be understandable if you felt like it will always be in your life. But it doesn't have to be like that. You can overcome it hun, and I know you want to.
Try again??
<3
 
Well I've been in continuous therapy since I was eleven... in and out of treatment centers but always in therapy :( I usually go 10+ a month but after last week's events I don't have a therapist at the moment. And I'm just super unmotivated to find one because out of probably the 30 or 40 I've seen he is the only one I've ever liked, and being able to finance therapy right now (my therapist was seeing me for free) is going to be difficult :(
 
I've always had eating issue. I have phobias of certain foods, esp. if people have "handled them. I constantly strive to loose weight, and usually just starve myself for extended periods of time. I went to the "hospital" in late 2008. Weighing in at 52kg and just, a mess. I'm better now. Weighing a healthy weight. I still have terrible gums/teeth. They bleed too much.


I'm a male.
 
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mrs_mia_wallace said:
... And I'm just super unmotivated to find one because out of probably the 30 or 40 I've seen he is the only one I've ever liked, and being able to finance therapy right now (my therapist was seeing me for free) is going to be difficult :(
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I feel for you there <3 I can't afford to see my therapist as often as he wants me to either. There are always people here to talk to if you want though :)

I haven't purged in a week now; feeling kinda positive about that however I've stopped taking avanza (remeron/mirtazapine) and haven't had a single decent nights sleep since. Back to showering half way through the night due to cold sweats :p

Hi pw1024, welcome to the thread :D
 
^Congrats on abstaining :) I’m sorry to hear about your sleep though, why did you go off the avanza?

yeah therapy is expensive! And most of the therapists I’ve been to I just sort of end up nodding and lying and not really getting much out of it… so unless it’s a ten dollar co-pay I just don’t think if you’re already having serious financial troubles (aka me) it’s worth it. I know I should just call my therapist up and apologize but some of the shit he said to me was really unfair and unjust, and I DID apologize to him in the first place which was what started it all, and now he’s just not speaking to me. So I really don’t feel like it’s fair or beneficial for our relationship as therapist/client for me to have to call him up AGAIN and apologize and just sort of beg to go back into therapy again… so I’m waiting for him to make the next move since he’s the only who’s turn it is to respond…

Something I was thinking about in terms of this thread… this is not a criticism directed at anyone in particular and I know I’VE done it as well, but perhaps a good rule since it’s mostly a recovery thread would if no numbers about specific weight are mentioned? I don’t think it does much good to the person or the people reading this thread, and generally inspires a sort of competitive nature among those with EDs and reinforces our tendency to constantly compare ourselves, as well as making us feel bad about ourselves if the weight is lower…. just a thought that it might be helpful but feel free to shoot me down :)
 
mrs_mia_wallace said:
Something I was thinking about in terms of this thread… this is not a criticism directed at anyone in particular and I know I’VE done it as well, but perhaps a good rule since it’s mostly a recovery thread would if no numbers about specific weight are mentioned? I don’t think it does much good to the person or the people reading this thread, and generally inspires a sort of competitive nature among those with EDs and reinforces our tendency to constantly compare ourselves, as well as making us feel bad about ourselves if the weight is lower…. just a thought that it might be helpful but feel free to shoot me down :)
Click to expand...

Good idea :) Focus on the compassionate and helpful advice instead. Number posting can easily be a trigger, just like photos.

As for the avanza, well I have been on effexor for ages, was having real sleep issues (like 1 hour of quality sleep a night with the rest insanely vivid nightmares, waking up soaked in sweat but freezing cold every few hours) so my doc reduced the effexor and put me on avanza too. The combo has a nice synergy and avanza makes you drowsy so it helped a lot with my sleep. The problem was it gave me a MASSIVE craving for carbs and enough weightgain to trigger old ED habbits. Back to the drawing-board as they say....
 
n3ophy7e said:
Hey pilldout, sorry to hear you've been having troubles :(

Have you been paid now? Go to the grocery store and buy yourself some nice healthy fresh food. Try to make sure it's low-GI and as unprocessed as possible, so that your blood sugar level doesn't fluctuate too much (causing hunger and the resulting thought patterns).

I too think that these horrible relationships we have with food and our bodies are something that won't ever go away...but that doesn't mean we can't be strong and have a firm grasp on them forever.
You don't have to succumb to it. Be strong <3
Click to expand...


yes, i got paid and actually got bonus on this check so it was a phatty... spent over a hundred dollars at the grocery store to make sure I won't run out of food early this time. Got lots of fruits and veggies and healthy stuff, whole grains and filling healthy stuff that is small but satisfying.

My weight has jumped back up a little bit and I'm feeling kinda chubby at the moment, but if I think back to last week when I was a few pounds lighter, I felt just as fat as I do right now so I guess it's no difference except now I am in acutality a lilttle bigger. gah i hate my head, i never have a good perception on what I really look like!
 
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