eon_blue
Bluelighter
It can be hard to help others when you are in the middle of desperately trying to help yourself.
Story of my life right now
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Heroin/Opioid MEGA-Thread: Junkies check-in here!
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Story of my life right now
xxkcxx
Bluelighter
eon_blue
Bluelighter
Thanks xxkcxx 
Where to start...well my sister's finally managed to stay in rehab without leaving for the streets after less than 24 hours. She's actually been in the same place now for a few weeks and is planning on sober living in a few days, so that's a plus. I haven't seen her though in almost 2 months, and the rehab she is at is literally only 10 minutes away from where I live.
It just comes down to what you said earlier, it's near impossible to help others when you can't seem to do anything right for yourself![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Then there's my parents. I won't even get into that much because it's such a fucking disaster. The night my dad confronted my mom about the affair she had, things actually went well initially. My mom told me they were talking like adults and were going to try and work things out. I was amazed, and happy of course...but....
I went home the other night after my little brother called me from their house saying my dad was drunk and going crazy on my mom; throwing furniture, breaking stuff, crying, etc. etc.
When I got to my parent's house my mom was locked in the guest room and there was broken furniture everywhere. The computer was smashed up. My dad was drunkenly wandering around the house looking for my mom's bowling ball because he wanted to smash her BMW up. It was horrible, I've NEVER seen either of my parents like that, much less my father. He was acting like a fucking 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum.
Anyway, my dad calmed down finally and everyone went to bed. I stayed over for my brother's sake and to make sure my parents didn't go at it again. When I woke up the next morning, everyone was gone (at work, school) and it was almost like nothing ever happened. I called my mom and she was like "oh, yeah I'm too tired to think about it. It won't happen again".
Fucking dysfunctional families FTW
Where to start...well my sister's finally managed to stay in rehab without leaving for the streets after less than 24 hours. She's actually been in the same place now for a few weeks and is planning on sober living in a few days, so that's a plus. I haven't seen her though in almost 2 months, and the rehab she is at is literally only 10 minutes away from where I live.
It just comes down to what you said earlier, it's near impossible to help others when you can't seem to do anything right for yourself
Then there's my parents. I won't even get into that much because it's such a fucking disaster. The night my dad confronted my mom about the affair she had, things actually went well initially. My mom told me they were talking like adults and were going to try and work things out. I was amazed, and happy of course...but....
I went home the other night after my little brother called me from their house saying my dad was drunk and going crazy on my mom; throwing furniture, breaking stuff, crying, etc. etc.
When I got to my parent's house my mom was locked in the guest room and there was broken furniture everywhere. The computer was smashed up. My dad was drunkenly wandering around the house looking for my mom's bowling ball because he wanted to smash her BMW up. It was horrible, I've NEVER seen either of my parents like that, much less my father. He was acting like a fucking 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum.
Anyway, my dad calmed down finally and everyone went to bed. I stayed over for my brother's sake and to make sure my parents didn't go at it again. When I woke up the next morning, everyone was gone (at work, school) and it was almost like nothing ever happened. I called my mom and she was like "oh, yeah I'm too tired to think about it. It won't happen again".
Fucking dysfunctional families FTW
CrookieMonster
Bluelighter
hello and thanks for the support.. just knowing that somone took the time to read my post is extremely helpful // touching right now.. it seems almost impossible to get thru to anyone in person because almost everyone that i share my feelings with thinks that i am suicidal (which im not.. atleast not right now.. and it really upsets me)... after yesterdays post i washed down my sorrows with a gram of china.. but of course here i am.. back to square one... or even worst because im hating myself for not being able to find a vein and poking myself a shitload of times.. *i had promised myself that i wouldnt do this anymore or atleast not abuse the shit out of my veins when i do iv.. my best friend is back from iraq and i feel even worst because instead of being a depressed junky i should be partying with him or atleast enjoying his company..
edit:
paranoid android: shoot me a msg on aim sometime.. i cant use the pm function yet so hopefully youll read this.. or hopefully somone will be nice enough to pass on the msg.. sorry if this causes any spam..
drug_wench
Bluelight Crew
*hugs eon*
i went thru a lot of that exact same shit with my parents wen i was a kid - luckily i was too young to know wat an affair was
but i witnessed dad being violent to mum and mum crying for ages on end and just not understanding why they were behaving that way
then dad just left the house - actually that was a relief cos he stopped beating the shit out of us both
sorry that wasnt meant to b all about me.....im just trying to say i kind of understand wat ur going thru
the main thing is ur not using
hold ur head up - it sounds like ur being the man of the family, and its cool the way ur looking after ur little bro
i went thru a lot of that exact same shit with my parents wen i was a kid - luckily i was too young to know wat an affair was
but i witnessed dad being violent to mum and mum crying for ages on end and just not understanding why they were behaving that way
then dad just left the house - actually that was a relief cos he stopped beating the shit out of us both
sorry that wasnt meant to b all about me.....im just trying to say i kind of understand wat ur going thru
the main thing is ur not using
hold ur head up - it sounds like ur being the man of the family, and its cool the way ur looking after ur little bro
I disowned(I realize the definition of this term and choose to use it anyway,it seems.. oddly fitting) my parents and the rest of my family, they are the type of people that think if you take drugs you're an idiot and not worthy of respect. I've tried too many times to point out to them how some of the greatest people in the history of man used drugs and they just evade it with verbal insults.
Ignorant fucks, people are people we all bleed red, they shouldn't treat anyone like they're shit just because they don't agree with a certain lifestyle or can't understand it.
I'm waiting for some pods, fucking canada post took two and a half days just to pick up the package and realize it was in their warehouse and another day to enter it as "Submitted" on the following day, so much for priority mail.
Ignorant fucks, people are people we all bleed red, they shouldn't treat anyone like they're shit just because they don't agree with a certain lifestyle or can't understand it.
I'm waiting for some pods, fucking canada post took two and a half days just to pick up the package and realize it was in their warehouse and another day to enter it as "Submitted" on the following day, so much for priority mail.
drug_wench
Bluelight Crew
^i disowned dad for awhile....mainly cos he disowned me
he still has disowned me
but i see it as pointless being so extreme against a person who helped raise me just cos he has diffrent values to me
now ive forgiven him, i feel a lot less bitter so its benefitted me
therefore its only his problem now
u might find the same thing happens if u do the same, valium
just remember its their problem if uve forgiven them
otherwise, its urs too really, cos evrytime u think about them u think of them with that hatred (boy do i remember that feeling)
oneday in the future i hope to see my dad again - and wen i do i dont plan on holding anything against him
hes the ignorant and bitter one not me.....
if anything i feel sorry for him
he still has disowned me
but i see it as pointless being so extreme against a person who helped raise me just cos he has diffrent values to me
now ive forgiven him, i feel a lot less bitter so its benefitted me
therefore its only his problem now
u might find the same thing happens if u do the same, valium
just remember its their problem if uve forgiven them
otherwise, its urs too really, cos evrytime u think about them u think of them with that hatred (boy do i remember that feeling)
oneday in the future i hope to see my dad again - and wen i do i dont plan on holding anything against him
hes the ignorant and bitter one not me.....
if anything i feel sorry for him
the_ketaman
Bluelighter
^^You are a really smart person you know that? I hope you do because I can say for sure youve helped a number of people including myself. you should be really proud of yourself. thanks DW for being there for me and everyone else
I think this thread is the best thread on BL. We have such a caring community in here its amazing. This is pretty much the only thread I can come in to without someone saying something that instantly gives me cravings and I more than likely go score.
My last dose of oxy was yesterday morning, I shot 160mg, down from the 240 I was using the few days/weeks previously. The WD's were killing me this morning, I cried and cried to my mu and she decided she's had enough, she is going to go to the doctor or whoever she has to go to and tell them in no uncertain terms that her son needs some fucking medication to get through this or he's going to end up dead. That OD the other night didnt scare me as much as I guess it should have, but it was enough for me to have a good long think about where I want to end up in life. I know now that most of my family knows I inject and most of them know im gay which I didnt know before and just knowing that has given me more motivation to stay away from stuff. My mum is supporting the idea of using benzo's the detox of the oxy. she's been paying for me to get xanax's which have been helping a huuuuge amount, *person* is even going to go get a script of temazepam which should be for *person* but theyre going to give it to me because mum now realizes how hard this is for me. I cant thank my mum enough for all that shes done for me.
Ive also changed my mind about the rehab I want to go to. some of you might have heard of "Teen Challenge"? Its a year long program rather than a 3 month program which is what I was going to do, it does revolve around religion which I did have a problem with before but im going to give god a chance. Im going to join a gay church and get christened and get into this year long program asap, I really think this will help so the next few times I post on BL are likely going to be my last. thanks so much guys for all the support.
Tonight there is a new moon, that means a new start. Today I had a shave so I look like an normal person, not a hobo, this boosts my self esteem, ive done soooo much today to try and help myself. Today is the first day of a new start for me. even though this could have caused a huge trust issue with my mum she has told a lot of my family that im gay and also that I inject....now I could get pissed with her for doing that but it has actually helped me a lot, I feel it is time for me to come out and let the world know im gay, thats me and if anyone has a problem with it then I dont want to know them. Im me and thats it.
Sorry that was so long but I know a lot of you have really been worrying about me loately and I just wanted you to know that things are getting better, if I can get all the way through this withdrawal then i be able to get out there and start doing the things I want to do. Theres so many things ive wanted to do but my hidden sexuality has held me back. I want to get back into dancing(I was once an excellent dancer) I want to let the gay side of me out, not neccessarily flaunt it but not be ashamed of who I am.
Thanks for all who listened. Ill check in tomorrow and see how all you guys are doing. Hope all you in WD's can see the light and not feel too bad. I cant imagine how some of you with 20 bag a day heroin habits could deal with WD's, my habit is minor compared to that so keep your head up and think of the future. Things arent going to be shit forever if you try, you can do whatever you want in life and thats a fact.
I love you all and I deeply care for you all. I will say a little prayer for you all tonight, even if you arent religious I believe god loves everyone. There was I time that I thought god hated me because I was gay, but I think that is just bullshit now. god loves you no mater what, and ya know what, so do I.
Good luck to you all and as hard as it may be, even a forced smile can make you feel better but its totaslly understandable if thats a little too much, but do whatever you can to make yourself feel better, just make sure your doing it safe.
xxoo Peace and take care.
I think this thread is the best thread on BL. We have such a caring community in here its amazing. This is pretty much the only thread I can come in to without someone saying something that instantly gives me cravings and I more than likely go score.
My last dose of oxy was yesterday morning, I shot 160mg, down from the 240 I was using the few days/weeks previously. The WD's were killing me this morning, I cried and cried to my mu and she decided she's had enough, she is going to go to the doctor or whoever she has to go to and tell them in no uncertain terms that her son needs some fucking medication to get through this or he's going to end up dead. That OD the other night didnt scare me as much as I guess it should have, but it was enough for me to have a good long think about where I want to end up in life. I know now that most of my family knows I inject and most of them know im gay which I didnt know before and just knowing that has given me more motivation to stay away from stuff. My mum is supporting the idea of using benzo's the detox of the oxy. she's been paying for me to get xanax's which have been helping a huuuuge amount, *person* is even going to go get a script of temazepam which should be for *person* but theyre going to give it to me because mum now realizes how hard this is for me. I cant thank my mum enough for all that shes done for me.
Ive also changed my mind about the rehab I want to go to. some of you might have heard of "Teen Challenge"? Its a year long program rather than a 3 month program which is what I was going to do, it does revolve around religion which I did have a problem with before but im going to give god a chance. Im going to join a gay church and get christened and get into this year long program asap, I really think this will help so the next few times I post on BL are likely going to be my last. thanks so much guys for all the support.
Tonight there is a new moon, that means a new start. Today I had a shave so I look like an normal person, not a hobo, this boosts my self esteem, ive done soooo much today to try and help myself. Today is the first day of a new start for me. even though this could have caused a huge trust issue with my mum she has told a lot of my family that im gay and also that I inject....now I could get pissed with her for doing that but it has actually helped me a lot, I feel it is time for me to come out and let the world know im gay, thats me and if anyone has a problem with it then I dont want to know them. Im me and thats it.
Sorry that was so long but I know a lot of you have really been worrying about me loately and I just wanted you to know that things are getting better, if I can get all the way through this withdrawal then i be able to get out there and start doing the things I want to do. Theres so many things ive wanted to do but my hidden sexuality has held me back. I want to get back into dancing(I was once an excellent dancer) I want to let the gay side of me out, not neccessarily flaunt it but not be ashamed of who I am.
Thanks for all who listened. Ill check in tomorrow and see how all you guys are doing. Hope all you in WD's can see the light and not feel too bad. I cant imagine how some of you with 20 bag a day heroin habits could deal with WD's, my habit is minor compared to that so keep your head up and think of the future. Things arent going to be shit forever if you try, you can do whatever you want in life and thats a fact.
I love you all and I deeply care for you all. I will say a little prayer for you all tonight, even if you arent religious I believe god loves everyone. There was I time that I thought god hated me because I was gay, but I think that is just bullshit now. god loves you no mater what, and ya know what, so do I.
Good luck to you all and as hard as it may be, even a forced smile can make you feel better but its totaslly understandable if thats a little too much, but do whatever you can to make yourself feel better, just make sure your doing it safe.
xxoo Peace and take care.
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xxkcxx
Bluelighter
How much does it suck that I'm really broke and intended to by $30 worth of dope, but my guy wouldn't come out that night unless I bought $100, so I did, he still came like an hour and half later than he said he would.
And the dope? It SUCKED. Seriously. Garbage.
And the dope? It SUCKED. Seriously. Garbage.
I feel like I can somehow change their minds, though I know thats a shot in the dark... I'm not really a forgiving person, I've been through too much shit for too damn long and lack any real positives from forced optimism.. I can't force myself to like someone I know I hate.
It's insulting, they won't even let me take advil or use mouthwash in their house, or wash my hands with alcohol based hand soap... because the tards think I'm going to drink HAND SOAP, that's insulting my intelligence and apparently I'm the dead head asshole.
I'm done with people infringing on my freedom, If anyone doesn't like me fuck them they don't deserve a second of my attention. Perhaps in time, when my parents older and near their deaths, they might decide to apologize because as I've told them many times I will not talk to them, acknowledge them or even recognize their existence until they've decided to drop the ignorance and stop trying to tell me who I can and can't be, what I can and can't do and even what kind of goddamn soap I can wash my fuckin' hands with.
Sorry if this sounds scrambled or confusing, I'm finding it hard to keep focused.
Respectable junkie
Bluelighter
Wow
Its so sad things are like that with your parents.....
I hope you do change their minds and are able to forgive them x
Its so sad things are like that with your parents.....
I hope you do change their minds and are able to forgive them x
xxkcxx
Bluelighter
V4lium: things were like that with my parents for awhile and I'm 21. They wouldn't let me keep my own advil or tums or benedryl around.
Wait things out and they will get better though. Honestly, they are are probably very scared for you and upset that they couldn't prevent what you fell into. They are your parents and probably feel like failures for not protecting you from all this stuff.
Wait things out and they will get better though. Honestly, they are are probably very scared for you and upset that they couldn't prevent what you fell into. They are your parents and probably feel like failures for not protecting you from all this stuff.
That's what I figured, they're pissed that I didn't turn out the way they planned and now blame themselves for it, all the while trying excessively to right what they think was their fault.
But it's simple really, I'll be 21 in October, I'm not a kid anymore, they aren't responsible, It's my life I can do whatever I wish with it... they seem to not understand and loathe the fact that I have an indepedent mind and chose to engage in things they do not approve of....which complicates something so simple, the fact that every person is different.
I'm pretty sick of them harassing me with guilt and them telling me how everything bad that happens to anyone in the family is somehow my fault.
But If I don't hear their shit It doesn't bother me and that's the way I like it. They have to realize I've grown up, then they have to grow up and realize I'm an individual and am entitled to vices of my liking.
That's the shortened version, didn't want to bore anyone with the long ass rant.
xxkcxx
Bluelighter
^ are you going to be living in their house though?
cause that is my issue...yes, i'm an adult, but i'm living with them rent-free, so really, i gotta live by their rules.
cause that is my issue...yes, i'm an adult, but i'm living with them rent-free, so really, i gotta live by their rules.
No, I've been living on my own since 16, so I can avoid them, mostly they just call... or try and guilt me into visiting them all the time, I ignore it.
Carl Landrover
Bluelighter
That is really fucking annoying.
If it ever happens, it leaves me unsatisfied, so I MUST go out and buy even more, to forget about that bad dope and know that there is still good dope out there!
That 1.5 hours late thing is also really annoying and pretty much always happens. I'd say 1 in 10 deals actually goes through quickly with both parties being there at the right time.
Kind of funny story about that. Last night me and dope boy were waiting "10 minutes" for the guy, so we were driving around a bit to kill the time. 15 minutes later, we had just turned around to start heading back after just driving in one direction, and my car runs out of oil! I'll totally fuck it up if I keep driving, so I'm forced to stop.
"Fuck! The dudes probably going to call any minute!" So now I need oil, immediately. I walk to a laundromat and get directions to the nearest gas station....a 15 minute walk away (one way!). So naturally, I start sprinting. Did I mention it was 9:30 on a Friday night, through a not-so-great area, and I'm wearing jeans and a pullover? Not like my normal runs, but this is a special situation. Anyways I keep running hard until I finally reach the gas station and get oil; panting, sweaty and out of breath. Then I head out, going as fast as I can, racing back to the car. Shoes and socks get wet stepping in puddles that were hidden in the shadows, nose starts running, clothes start to get soaked in sweat (after the deal, I was going to my girlfriends), but I keep going...."Gotta get that dope!"
Finally back at the car...there and back in 12 minutes! Nice job bro! "Just gotta put the oil in and then I can get that dope!" Actually, not. Apparently, the guy had just called and it was going to be another 10 minutes from that point.
Made all that sprinting seem pretty pointless...especially since I dropped my phone along the way and now it doesn't vibrate anymore.
drug_wench
Bluelight Crew
ketaman - that post was really inspirational
ur calling me 'smart' and complimenting me
well heres my reply to that
u r doing all the right things in order to get well
i see u growing evry time u post
i really relate to wat uve bn thru (upper and opiate addiction) and im really proud of u
and u shud b too
I HOPE U ALSO KNOW THAT
valium - well, yea ur parents dont understand
thats.....understandable
theyre not drug users
however count ur blessings that they havnt cut u off - they show u unconditional luv by continuing to contact u and offer u invitations (in vain) to visit them wen they know uve disowned them
id kill to hav my dad contact me and tell me hed like to see me
i feel sorry for u (partly cos i remember wat it felt like to b bitter and full of hate towards my dad and it was a poisonous feeling, partly cos i know it sucks having parents that dont understand wat ur going thru)
but i also feel sorry for them
ur calling me 'smart' and complimenting me
well heres my reply to that
u r doing all the right things in order to get well
i see u growing evry time u post
i really relate to wat uve bn thru (upper and opiate addiction) and im really proud of u
and u shud b too
I HOPE U ALSO KNOW THAT
valium - well, yea ur parents dont understand
thats.....understandable
theyre not drug users
however count ur blessings that they havnt cut u off - they show u unconditional luv by continuing to contact u and offer u invitations (in vain) to visit them wen they know uve disowned them
id kill to hav my dad contact me and tell me hed like to see me
i feel sorry for u (partly cos i remember wat it felt like to b bitter and full of hate towards my dad and it was a poisonous feeling, partly cos i know it sucks having parents that dont understand wat ur going thru)
but i also feel sorry for them
the_ketaman
Bluelighter
I want these fucking Wd's to end. I want this emotional turmoil to end. I want to sun to rise and the ocean to be pumping out perfect waves and I want to go rip up some of those perfect waves and put a smile on my face.
DW, thankyou so much for that encouragement. So many people have been telling me im going to make it lately, so many people know I have it in me and im doing the right things to get me toward recovery. I really am sick of this lifestyle. Im sick of all the lies too, im so glad people know im gay now, im pretty sure that sub-consciously keeping that secret was fucking me up a fair bit inside.
But yeah DW, id say your the best mod on this group of forums, honestly. And that dont mean all the other mods are shit, theres plenty of great mods on here but I believe you have helped more people than even most of the people like counsellors and psychologists. I know youve helped me more than any darn psych ever did.
I really need time to move a lot quicker right now, I wanna get to the beach.
DW, thankyou so much for that encouragement. So many people have been telling me im going to make it lately, so many people know I have it in me and im doing the right things to get me toward recovery. I really am sick of this lifestyle. Im sick of all the lies too, im so glad people know im gay now, im pretty sure that sub-consciously keeping that secret was fucking me up a fair bit inside.
But yeah DW, id say your the best mod on this group of forums, honestly. And that dont mean all the other mods are shit, theres plenty of great mods on here but I believe you have helped more people than even most of the people like counsellors and psychologists. I know youve helped me more than any darn psych ever did.
I really need time to move a lot quicker right now, I wanna get to the beach.
I know how bad withdrawals are man but they will end. How many days have you been off now anyway? After a week the physical part will be mostly over. The emotional part is always the worst for me too. The boredom, depression and apathy after coming off opiates is almost as bad or even worse then the sickness itself.
You can get through it man just hang in there.
You can get through it man just hang in there.
the_ketaman
Bluelighter
I cant stop crying. Its like a permanent part of me now. I was up all night crying, tqalking to my mum last night an it kept my sister awake and now she's just been going psycho all day, this is the sister that punched me in the face about 20 times the other day. I hate to make myself look like"poor me im the victim" but seriously I dont know how much more of this life I can take. Im really considering suicide.
Noone can help me, noone wants to give me bupe, noone wants to give me methadone, noone wants to let me into detox or rehab for weeks/months...I totally understand other people have problems with drugs but they need more rehabs/detoxs coz im gonna end up dead soon.. Im on a bunch of benzo's and im still crying.
I wish I had someone to cry with. I dont want to be alive anymore. I feel so lonely.
Noone can help me, noone wants to give me bupe, noone wants to give me methadone, noone wants to let me into detox or rehab for weeks/months...I totally understand other people have problems with drugs but they need more rehabs/detoxs coz im gonna end up dead soon.. Im on a bunch of benzo's and im still crying.
I wish I had someone to cry with. I dont want to be alive anymore. I feel so lonely.
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