Bless you in advance if you read all of this or even take the time to reply. Jeez, I am the most annoying cathinone user. I cannot help myself when it comes to yapping to my online friends on Discord. I'd rather just type everything out since I'm talking way too fast, and most of what comes out of my mouth is probably hard to follow anyway, lol. I know I'm probably annoying as fuck sometimes, but I'm honestly grateful that they put up with me.
Welp, I ended up doing it tonight instead of waiting until Halloween (not that it would've made much of a difference). Anyway, tomorrow is a new day, and I need to start taking accountability for my actions.
Damnit, I was so disappointed in myself while I was coming up. I'm literally doing the same things over and over again. I'm listening to the same music and pacing around my apartment. I have no idea how the people below me haven't knocked on my door or said something yet. This has been an ongoing thing every weekend for the past ~20 weeks, lol.
This was also the longest stretch of sobriety I've had in a while. That doesn't change anything, but still. I'm doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I really hope this is the last straw, but I've told myself that for the past couple of weekends, so who knows.
My medication actually works. I've been noticeably happier than usual during the past two weeks I've been taking it. That's part of what makes this so frustrating. I've genuinely been enjoying myself at home during the week, but then the weekend rolls around and I say, "Fuck it."
I took a shower before parachuting 175mg. While I was getting ready, I kept thinking to myself, "What's even the point? I know exactly what's going to happen." Yet somehow, I still managed to convince myself to do it.
I was worried about something going wrong because of the medication I'm taking. Even while weighing everything out, I was trying to talk myself out of it. I literally stood there holding the piece of toilet paper with the drugs wrapped inside, debating whether I should go through with it.
Ugh. I need to start putting my money where my mouth is.
I've been having a good time at home during the week, but once again, I threw that out the window when the weekend came around. I actually broke my own rule a few weeks ago, too.
I had some NEP and 4-MMC arrive in the mail on a Thursday. I ended up sniffing a few lines of NEP that night, even though I never do drugs on a work night. I got around five hours of sleep and was fine the next day. The worst part was that the experience itself sucked. NEP is garbage. It was fun for about 20 minutes, until I snorted another 10mg and suddenly felt like I was dying.
Anyway, I did it again the following night. I was actually kind of pissed that I had gone to work that day. I'd been banking on getting no sleep the previous night, and it felt like being a kid who was convinced school would be canceled for a snow day, only to find out it wasn't.
I ended up taking roughly the same amount of NEP over a shorter period, and the experience was even worse. I eventually called in to work at 4am There are no real repercussions for doing that in my line of work, but I still broke my own arbitrary rule: weekends only, with no drugs on work nights.
I always used that rule to justify my drug use. I could tell myself that I had things under control because I was only doing this on the weekends. But once I started making exceptions, even that little boundary stopped meaning much.
I certainly don't intend to repeat that particular mistake. Half the appeal of doing this shit, at least for me, is knowing I don't have to go to work the next day.
The WORST part is that I'm usually decently careful when ordering. I try to avoid the blatant bulk sellers, although I probably put too much faith in vendors sometimes. But I didn't even bother reading the reviews for this guy's 4-MMC before buying it. Front-page vendor? Fuck it, I'm sure he's legit.
The day after the NEP debauchery, I parachuted 200 mg of 4-MMC. The stuff I took tonight was from a different batch I'd been holding onto. Anyway, an hour and a half goes by, and I feel absolutely nothing. Hmm, I know I have a tolerance, but nothing?
I pull up my computer and check the reviews. Turns out several recent ones said the stuff was supposedly 95% creatine. I was fucking livid. I ended up flushing both the NEP and that batch of 4-MMC. Now the fish are even more retarded than I am.
I was so mad at myself that night. I'm glad there wasn't anything harmful in it, at least as far as I know. I actually mailed a sample off to Kykeon for testing before tossing the rest, so I guess I'll find out what was in it soon enough.
But damn, I'm usually so much more careful than that. I read reviews, send weirder stuff off for testing before considering taking it, and try to weed out the idiots who are only in it for the money. I let my guard down, and I'm honestly disappointed in myself for it.
That's part of why I asked my psych about Auvelity a few days later. The day after all that happened, I was sobbing. I was just so fucking sad and so over everything. I was ashamed of myself, and I think I finally realized how much this shit was starting to wear on me.
Fuck, I am overthinking all of this again.
Anyway, the final total for tonight was 320mg of 4-MMC (180 + 60 + 40 + 40mg). And, once again, please don't take my experience as evidence that this combination is safe if you're on Auvelity or bupropion. I'm way too tweaked out right now for my liking, and I'm sweating like a pig.
God fucking damn.
To anyone reading this who's taking Auvelity, or even bupropion on its own, please don't assume that combining it with cathinones is safe. Bupropion can lower the seizure threshold, and Auvelity also contains DXM, which adds its own interaction concerns. I was aware of the risks before I did this, which makes the whole thing even more frustrating. Knowing better and actually acting accordingly are apparently two very different things.
I mainly needed to write this semi-schizo, stimulant-fueled wall of text so I can look back at it when I'm sober and remind myself how I felt tonight.
I hope no one is too disappointed in me, especially if you've read some of my other posts about my struggles with this stuff. I know I've talked about wanting to make changes, and I know that saying it doesn't mean much if I keep doing the same thing every weekend.
I'm trying not to beat myself up over one night, but I also don't want to keep pretending this is just one night. It's a pattern, and I need to start treating it like one.
I swear, I look like a complete wackjob on this stuff.
I took my trash out about an hour ago, and I needed a lighter because I found a pack of cigarettes. The store near me was already closed, so I was shit out of luck.
Anyway, there was a girl walking into the building as I was heading out. I figured I'd ask her.
"Pardon me, do you have a lighter?"
"Ugh, no, sorry."
"No worries," I said, chewing gum like there was no tomorrow. I held the door open for her, then walked past her as quickly as possible. I was pretty sure I made her uncomfortable, lol. Then again, maybe I'm just overthinking the whole interaction because I'm high as fuck.
Earlier, I also had to grab something from my car, so I took the elevator back up to my floor. Unfortunately, there were other people in there with me. I was visibly high, and the worst part was that I had an absurd amount of residual 4-MMC powder around my nose. I didn't even realize it until I got back to my apartment and looked in the bathroom mirror, lol.
God, I am yapping.
Same shit, different weekend.
I never thought I'd be this affected by a chem. It's fascinating, in a way. I've always been too stubborn for my own good, and I've had this same realization multiple times over the past couple of weeks I genuinely never thought it would be me.
In the moment, it feels like you're invincible. Years of getting away with it, and you start to believe you're somehow immune to the consequences.
I need to flush most of my stash. That's a step I know I need to take. But then I wonder, is the ultimate test of willpower having this stuff around and choosing not to do it? Or is that just another way of rationalizing keeping it?
I'm the only one who can decide that. I'm the only one who can make a change.
I guess I don't need to prove my willpower by keeping my stash around. Given how things have been going, maybe getting it out of reach is the more sensible thing to do. I don't have to keep putting myself in the same position to prove that I can resist it. Maybe taking responsibility means making things easier for myself rather than continuing to test my limits.
Stay safe, and don't speed, kids.
