I’ve had a complicated relationship with drugs for a few years. Cannabis became a daily habit for a long period, but benzodiazepines were ultimately the bigger problem for me. There were also periods where I mixed other drugs into the picture, including cocaine, and at my worst my use was seriously affecting my anxiety, cognition, studies, work, and ability to function normally. What started as something I could rationalize eventually became something I clearly wasn’t controlling very well. My DOC were weed (a lot; spending almost $4k a month on it), benzos (clonazepam, alprazolam, lorazepam and diazepam, in that order - sometimes, mixing kpins with xanax and baclofen/prometh/hydroxizine) and, whenever I could put my hands on it, oxycodone (was never really hooked on it, but it sure is the best feeling I've experienced).
Eventually I went to rehab, mainly because of the benzos but also because of my overall relationship with drugs. I spent 28 days at a very expensive rehab in LA (almost $100k; im not rich like that so that made me feel sort of guilty that I had put myself in a position that made my family spend that tipe of money on me due to self inflicted problems). I managed a meaningful period completely sober afterward, but since leaving treatment I’ve had several lapses—first with cannabis and later with benzos as well (more specifically, got high on THC 5 times and took 2mg of klonopin once). That has probably been the hardest part psychologically: spending so much time, money and effort on treatment and then realizing that rehab didn’t magically remove the part of me that still wants to use when I’m stressed, anxious or simply craving the feeling.
I also got out of rehab with a new "diagnostic hypothesis" for CPTSD. Also, diagnosed with GAD and ADHD. I've done coke probably half a dozen times only, and after one coke binge my former doctor suspended my vyvanse script. Ever since then, I havent got shit done, it feels impossible to graduate from college (I'm 24 already). I'm not sure where the CPTSD could have come from, genuinely. I've had a wonderful childhood, but relatively rought teenage years (anti-social, not very popular at school) and drug abuse that started in my 20s.
I’m still trying to figure out what recovery actually looks like for me long term. I don’t want to reduce my entire identity to being an “addict,” or a psichyatric patient, but I also don’t want to keep minimizing a pattern that has already caused real consequences in my life. I’m posting here partly because I’m interested in hearing from people who have gone through treatment, relapsed afterward, and eventually found a way of making recovery sustainable rather than just cycling between abstinence and relapse.
Thank you for reading
Eventually I went to rehab, mainly because of the benzos but also because of my overall relationship with drugs. I spent 28 days at a very expensive rehab in LA (almost $100k; im not rich like that so that made me feel sort of guilty that I had put myself in a position that made my family spend that tipe of money on me due to self inflicted problems). I managed a meaningful period completely sober afterward, but since leaving treatment I’ve had several lapses—first with cannabis and later with benzos as well (more specifically, got high on THC 5 times and took 2mg of klonopin once). That has probably been the hardest part psychologically: spending so much time, money and effort on treatment and then realizing that rehab didn’t magically remove the part of me that still wants to use when I’m stressed, anxious or simply craving the feeling.
I also got out of rehab with a new "diagnostic hypothesis" for CPTSD. Also, diagnosed with GAD and ADHD. I've done coke probably half a dozen times only, and after one coke binge my former doctor suspended my vyvanse script. Ever since then, I havent got shit done, it feels impossible to graduate from college (I'm 24 already). I'm not sure where the CPTSD could have come from, genuinely. I've had a wonderful childhood, but relatively rought teenage years (anti-social, not very popular at school) and drug abuse that started in my 20s.
I’m still trying to figure out what recovery actually looks like for me long term. I don’t want to reduce my entire identity to being an “addict,” or a psichyatric patient, but I also don’t want to keep minimizing a pattern that has already caused real consequences in my life. I’m posting here partly because I’m interested in hearing from people who have gone through treatment, relapsed afterward, and eventually found a way of making recovery sustainable rather than just cycling between abstinence and relapse.
Thank you for reading
