Hopeless Will I ever be turnt again?

[Yunai]

I already made a thread shortly ago so I’ma keep it short. In 2023 I found my first gf (let’s call her K), well I effed up a lot but that’s a different story, but I never loved someone so much, I am 25 and only fell in love twice, first was friendzone, second started very well then I was dumped for another guy in the worst worst worst possible way. The breakup was the worst part of my life by far, a trillion times worse than the accident when I had a major surgery with multiple broken bones and almost lost my life. In March 2024 I hit Rock Bottom, I wanted to end it all, since I already went through the rodeo of going to a psych wards in the past due to severe heartbreak and psychiatrist after psychologists etc. and all it did to me was suffering . They only ever gave me SSRI SNRI etc. which never ever gave me even an ounce of benefit but severe side effects that sometimes took a long time to go away after stopping. So I decided a different route> opiates. I never wanted to become a junkie but I chose it over s*icide. In the beginning the turns were heavenly. It almost felt like as if I am still sitting next to K (of course the real emotions when I did sit next to her were a billion times stronger, stronger than the strongest drugs ever combined by a long shot). The most important part was the pain relief and the warmth. I was never loved, in my whole god damn life. So when the opioids hit my receptors first it felt like I was cuddling with K, all I ever wanted. Needless to say I became an addict very quickly. After 2-3 months the devil came back for it’s deal and the dependence was horrible. So I went into treatment asap. I am still, to this day, in substitution, which is a 24h extended release opiate from a very specialized clinic. It works very well to function but tbh lately, the last few weeks/months my life started spiraling again. Mainly because they tapered off my Xanax prescription against my will and existential crisis gets worse and worse.

But here is the thing, I tried everything, literally everything to get over K but it never works, the girl before her I haven’t seen for 6 years and I met thousands of girls and never could even feel an ounce of attraction to anyone until K came. I am neurodiverse, extremely monogamous and to me K was my dream girl, not only from looks but from the deep emotional bond we had, the things we had in common etc. Unfortunately, I am conventionally ugly, people often think height is all but let me attest to this: it’s not. I am 6’4 but my face looks hideous and after all these years and with all the things that went down after the breakup I feel monstrous, not even human anymore. I am not looking for some relationship advice here at all, matter of fact, i am done with it, it’s an endless cycle of pain, pain that never ends, pain you have to deal with every single day and feel in every fiber of your body … unless your high. See that’s why I did it. I know the devil’s deal with opiates but since I already feel like nonhuman anymore I am willing to start it again, currently I am desperately trying to taper off my substitution, wait 2-6 months, then start again. People gave me different amounts of times, some say for opiates tolerance goes down exceptionally fast (20% a day) but since I did them every day for 2-3 years now I suspect I might need half a year of break. With weed for example, I also smoked every day, then did a 6-8 week break, started again, still felt almost nothing again.

I do wonder, is all of this even true? Will I never ever feel the positive effects that saved my life, that made my life worth living, that gave me happiness in my completely secluded / lonely life again? If so I have no reason to keep on going but from my ex junkie friends they all assured me if I stop opiates completely for a few months it’s like you never took them, especially if I up from Morphine (which was my drug of choice) to Oxy or H. That’s the only hope I have left now. I know all of this sound crazy but at the age I am now, I gave up on natural love, all I can get is artificial love/warmth.

What do you think? Any experiences? Do the receptors for opioids really fully regenerate to a point that you can start over again? Honestly I could never understand how someone can abuse it for decades, maybe bc I went into substitution so early.

Anyway, after taking my daily dose today, I just crushed another daily dose of M until it was a very fine powder and snorted it (which destroys the extended release mechanism). Let’s see if I at least get a little bit of warmth, I will report on it later. Btw. My daily dosage is 150mg right now (I was on 900mg in the beginning - remember though it’s extended release over 24h… so 150mg all at once should hit me….. let’s wait, lay back, listen to music and see).

Thx for reading and have a blessed day my dear fellow friends.

 

[Jung and Stoopid]

I already made a thread shortly ago so I’ma keep it short. In 2023 I found my first gf (let’s call her K), well I effed up a lot but that’s a different story, but I never loved someone so much, I am 25 and only fell in love twice, first was friendzone, second started very well then I was dumped for another guy in the worst worst worst possible way. The breakup was the worst part of my life by far, a trillion times worse than the accident when I had a major surgery with multiple broken bones and almost lost my life. In March 2024 I hit Rock Bottom, I wanted to end it all, since I already went through the rodeo of going to a psych wards in the past due to severe heartbreak and psychiatrist after psychologists etc. and all it did to me was suffering . They only ever gave me SSRI SNRI etc. which never ever gave me even an ounce of benefit but severe side effects that sometimes took a long time to go away after stopping. So I decided a different route> opiates. I never wanted to become a junkie but I chose it over s*icide. In the beginning the turns were heavenly. It almost felt like as if I am still sitting next to K (of course the real emotions when I did sit next to her were a billion times stronger, stronger than the strongest drugs ever combined by a long shot). The most important part was the pain relief and the warmth. I was never loved, in my whole god damn life. So when the opioids hit my receptors first it felt like I was cuddling with K, all I ever wanted. Needless to say I became an addict very quickly. After 2-3 months the devil came back for it’s deal and the dependence was horrible. So I went into treatment asap. I am still, to this day, in substitution, which is a 24h extended release opiate from a very specialized clinic. It works very well to function but tbh lately, the last few weeks/months my life started spiraling again. Mainly because they tapered off my Xanax prescription against my will and existential crisis gets worse and worse.

But here is the thing, I tried everything, literally everything to get over K but it never works, the girl before her I haven’t seen for 6 years and I met thousands of girls and never could even feel an ounce of attraction to anyone until K came. I am neurodiverse, extremely monogamous and to me K was my dream girl, not only from looks but from the deep emotional bond we had, the things we had in common etc. Unfortunately, I am conventionally ugly, people often think height is all but let me attest to this: it’s not. I am 6’4 but my face looks hideous and after all these years and with all the things that went down after the breakup I feel monstrous, not even human anymore. I am not looking for some relationship advice here at all, matter of fact, i am done with it, it’s an endless cycle of pain, pain that never ends, pain you have to deal with every single day and feel in every fiber of your body … unless your high. See that’s why I did it. I know the devil’s deal with opiates but since I already feel like nonhuman anymore I am willing to start it again, currently I am desperately trying to taper off my substitution, wait 2-6 months, then start again. People gave me different amounts of times, some say for opiates tolerance goes down exceptionally fast (20% a day) but since I did them every day for 2-3 years now I suspect I might need half a year of break. With weed for example, I also smoked every day, then did a 6-8 week break, started again, still felt almost nothing again.

I do wonder, is all of this even true? Will I never ever feel the positive effects that saved my life, that made my life worth living, that gave me happiness in my completely secluded / lonely life again? If so I have no reason to keep on going but from my ex junkie friends they all assured me if I stop opiates completely for a few months it’s like you never took them, especially if I up from Morphine (which was my drug of choice) to Oxy or H. That’s the only hope I have left now. I know all of this sound crazy but at the age I am now, I gave up on natural love, all I can get is artificial love/warmth.

What do you think? Any experiences? Do the receptors for opioids really fully regenerate to a point that you can start over again? Honestly I could never understand how someone can abuse it for decades, maybe bc I went into substitution so early.

Anyway, after taking my daily dose today, I just crushed another daily dose of M until it was a very fine powder and snorted it (which destroys the extended release mechanism). Let’s see if I at least get a little bit of warmth, I will report on it later. Btw. My daily dosage is 150mg right now (I was on 900mg in the beginning - remember though it’s extended release over 24h… so 150mg all at once should hit me….. let’s wait, lay back, listen to music and see).

Thx for reading and have a blessed day Imy dear fellow friends.

I can't help but think you are a younger version of me. I am neurodivergent, AUADHD, and I got into heroin much younger than you. But I remember the overwhelming attachment to my first real love. I couldn't stop thinking about her for many years until she died from overdose and I was forced to move on in a suddenly forced sort of way.

I will give you the cold card truth straight up; no, you will never get the same warmth as your honeymoon period (the first few weeks/months) with opioids. I am sorry. The pursuit of this is called "chasing the dragon". You might get close, but that warmth and euphoria will never be the same. Ever. The brain slowly permanently adapts to such dramatic influxes dopamine.

I remember at one point in my life I thought heroin was better than sex. I no longer believe this. You sound fairly early into your addiction, so trust me when I say it is all downhill from where you are. There is no going back to that warmth, it will only slip further and further away from you.

Trying not to be all gloomy here, there is good news. Love comes and goes. Don't get so heartbroken from K. You will find love again. You are 6'4" bro, girls go crazy for that even if your face ain't the best. My friend is 6'3", pretty overweight, and arguably quite ugly... but he gets more girls than I do (and I'm 6'0" and reasonably attractive). Don't sell yourself short. Girls go crazy for tall guys even if they dont have the best face. Trust me.

I dunno if you want to hear it but quit the opioids man. It will ruin you. They are the definition of Satan, it tricks you into wilfully selling your soul and eventually comfortably killing yourself. I'm not Christian but I believe that is how they describe the devil.

Do some more interesting drugs. Lsd, mescaline, ketamine, mdma, cocaine, etc... there are more warm euphorias other than opioids. And they wont ruin your life as much.

But cheer up my friend. You are still young. Life moves on and trust me you will probably look back at yourself in 10 years and realize how wrong you were about some things.

Love yourself and protect your soul and dignity. They are limited resources.

 

[Yunai]

I can't help but think you are a younger version of me. I am neurodivergent, AUADHD, and I got into heroin much younger than you. But I remember the overwhelming attachment to my first real love. I couldn't stop thinking about her for many years until she died from overdose and I was forced to move on in a suddenly forced sort of way.

I will give you the cold card truth straight up; no, you will never get the same warmth as your honeymoon period (the first few weeks/months) with opioids. I am sorry. The pursuit of this is called "chasing the dragon". You might get close, but that warmth and euphoria will never be the same. Ever. The brain slowly permanently adapts to such dramatic influxes dopamine.

I remember at one point in my life I thought heroin was better than sex. I no longer believe this. You sound fairly early into your addiction, so trust me when I say it is all downhill from where you are. There is no going back to that warmth, it will only slip further and further away from you.

Trying not to be all gloomy here, there is good news. Love comes and goes. Don't get so heartbroken from K. You will find love again. You are 6'4" bro, girls go crazy for that even if your face ain't the best. My friend is 6'3", pretty overweight, and arguably quite ugly... but he gets more girls than I do (and I'm 6'0" and reasonably attractive). Don't sell yourself short. Girls go crazy for tall guys even if they dont have the best face. Trust me.

I dunno if you want to hear it but quit the opioids man. It will ruin you. They are the definition of Satan, it tricks you into wilfully selling your soul and eventually comfortably killing yourself. I'm not Christian but I believe that is how they describe the devil.

Do some more interesting drugs. Lsd, mescaline, ketamine, mdma, cocaine, etc... there are more warm euphorias other than opioids. And they wont ruin your life as much.

But cheer up my friend. You are still young. Life moves on and trust me you will probably look back at yourself in 10 years and realize how wrong you were about some things.

Love yourself and protect your soul and dignity. They are limited resources.

First of all I am sorry for your loss. Truly. In my situation K never was a drug user and I wasn’t either until after the breakup.

That’s what I was already thinking. It will never be the same but even getting close would be a blessing. I don’t want to glamorize it too much but on substitution there is just nothing. You feel withdrawals if you don’t take it, if you take it you are normal, if you take a high dose you feel nothing, if you take an even higher dose you might fall asleep (or even die) but the warmth is not there anymore). Chasing the dragon is the best term for it. I agree with that.

For the comparison to sex. I never had sex (I am extremely shy/awkward, all I did with K was cuddling, I even turned down a kiss, which I deeply regret nowadays, in the beginning she was really into me but it takes a while for me to develop feelings which was the downfall. We got super close, she gave me a lot of chances, I was too shy, then when I was ready she found someone else). However, I want to completely agree with you on that one, even cuddling, hell, even sitting next to her, hearing her beautiful voice or smelling her scent felt like I was in heaven. That was so so so much stronger than even the opiate honeymoon phase. It’s not even comparable. Being with her was the happiest time in my life, I felt like I was in heaven, I am 100% sure if I did H IV (which I never did, neither H nor IV) it wouldn’t even come close.

For that next part I have to push you a little back respectfully. I will explain to you why. See, even though I am 6’4 and towering over 99% of people, especially girls, my face is really really unattractive, I have a very ugly nose, bad eyes, among a few other things, it’s bad. The biggest crux part is my weight though I see it in your post too. I will be completely honest with you here and I hope you can respect that. I am skinny, not lean, skinny, underweight skinny. Not anorexic but it’s a definitely a very noticeable feature. The thing though is: I absolutely love it, I was always was like this, my whole life, even though most people want muscles I personally think it’s more attractive to be very skinny. Both for girls and in myself. I will never want to change something I love about myself. I love my height and weight and will never want to change it, especially not for others. In the western world however, from my 25 years of experience, I can absolutely attest that skinny guys attract fat girls (probably because they see my body as their ideal). I had lots and lots of overweight girls into me but if there is only one thing that’s important to me when it comes to looks is the girl has to be skinny too. That’s the only mandatory thing. That’s my main and primary preference. Sure, a taller girl would be more fitting (K was 5’7 or 5’8 which was perfect) but if everything else is good I’d even go with a 5’3 girl (below that would be a huge height discrepancy, still, all of that is optional, as is long straight hair, and a cute face of course is also important. Look man, looks and attractiveness matters. K was into me for my height in the beginning and because I deeply cared for her. In the end at the breakup she told me I would be the perfect bf because “most men are trash” but I genuinely cared about her, she shared secrets to me I kept, I was there in her worst moments (there is a very long story here I’ll save for another time), I am very kind and intelligent HOWEVER, due to my physical appearance it will never work out between us, solely the physical appearance. I asked her if it’s because of my weight but nope, my face. Imagine how I felt after all that.
The next very personal thing. My libido always was very low, sex doesn’t matter to me, all I want is a gf to cuddle, care for her emotionally, spend time with her, that’s all that matters. I only ever found 2 girls attractive in my 25 years. I am neurodivergent, Asperger (most likely), I don’t want to hook up with anyone, all that doesn’t matter, I look for something long term only and sadly I stuck with one person for a very long time, it was 6 years for the first girl. My believe is it’s inherited to me. My father’s side is just the same: A few people have Asperger’s, all my aunts, cousins, uncles and even my father only had 1 relationship in their life and they stuck with them for the rest of their life without wanting to try someone else. They are full-filled and happy. My aunt married her high school sweetheart 50 years later still happy marriage. I am on the most extreme spectrum of monogamous and both psychologists, my psychiatrists and my parents recognized that I have a very unusual brain (neurodivergence).

I didn’t fully give up, if I find someone I develop feelings again, perfect but the harder I force and the harder I look the less likely it’ll work.

I appreciate you want me to quit opiates but I am honest, I won’t. If I ever have that natural love feeling again in the far future (with a family and kids, which I always wanted but probably never will), sure I’ll quit immediately, I would quit everything, the Xanax, the weed even the vaping… but with my broken brain right now it lacks endorphins massively along with many other transmitters that naturally bind to the opioid receptors in the brain. Since I lack them severely, the receptors change their confirmation which results in pain, mental anguish (grief), it’s linked to physical pain a lot too and I can even link you studies for this bc I researched it a lot. I never had a serotonin issue but an endorphin/oxytocin etc issue. That’s why opiates made the severe unbearable pain go away and made me function again. The reason I am quitting right now (my substitution… so yea right now I am in the process of completely tapering off opiates) is because a) since it’s been almost 3 years now I hope my brain will manage fine since the most extreme pain from the breakup is gone now, part of me still doubts it because I think about K at least once a day and all the regrets, I have so so so many regrets, the first girl I couldn’t do anything about but that’s not the case for K, I ruined everything with K, it was all my fault, I made so many mistakes and what hurts me the most is her friends told her that I started doing drugs afterwards which she allegedly cried over for a long time. It hurts me so much that I hurt her with my actions and I never could even say how sorry I am. It will haunt me forever. Regrets will haunt me forever. b) at this point I am annoyed having to go to the clinic once a month and to the pharmacy multiple times a week and c) T break like I mentioned.

For the next part. Please please read my other recent thread about MDMA. MDMA was the worst drug experience I ever had in my life. LSD was okay but didn’t change much for me. Ketamine similar to LSD, okay but with side effects and no change afterwards, I would never do any Upper again. I will never do Cocaine or Meth but for a short time I did a RC Upper similar to cocaine and let me tell you THAT one truly ruined my body and mind quickly. I think you mix up dopamine with opioids. Opiates are downers, they bind to opioid receptors that are naturally there for endorphins, etc. transmitters that activate during love / social settings etc. Uppers push dopamine. I don’t have ADHD and I don’t have Parkinson’s so I don’t have a Dopamine issue. My body doesn’t tolerate these other substances well, for Xanax it works wonders for anxiety in all regards (which I severely have) and I have no side effects, opiates work wonders because of loneliness and grief and I have even less side effects, the reason I love them so much is they don’t slow me down in the head, I can still study on them (I even ride a motorcycle on substitution since 2 years btw and haven’t had any accident until now). Even on 900mg Morphine extended release I never had constipation, I never ever had nausea on any opiate (except Kratom) and I tried Morphine, Dihydrocodein, Codein, Oxy, an RC opiate similar to Morphine, Tilidine, Tramadol, o-desmethyltramadol, and Fentanyl (only during my major surgery when I had broken bones after an accident… that was almost a decade ago though long before I did drugs). Fentanyl is something I will never ever want to do willingly unless it has to be during a surgery. I do want to try Hydromorphone though and if I get clean (unlaced) H I want to try that too. My body tolerates opiates very well, Xanax too. I tried to just stick to Weed for a while but my tolerance got so high I didn’t feel anything anymore, so I took a 2 month break, tried again, still no effect, so now I only do it in clubs / events because I want to stay away from alcohol.

I was completely honest with you. And I thank you for your answer. I really pray in 10 years I have good income, a loving wife and children, with this awful chapter of my life behind me. I am not s*icidal anymore, I was for a long time, opiates made that go away forever, for which in a weird way I am thankful for, it gives me something to still want to live, even if everything seems like it’s over, I now know death is the worst out of all of them, the meaning of life is life, and staying alive. I hope the future in 10 years only holds bright things for me, for the world and for you too my friend

Edit:/ even if my username suggest otherwise, I made that in early 2024 when I was torn between s*icide or doing drugs. I might change it.

Edit2:/ since I forgot to mention. 90min after snorting the double dose it should peak now. I feel very slightly relaxed, barely noticeable but even that is more than I expected. Whatever, I’ll continue to taper off. From 150mg it should hopefully take me half a year max considering the last steps are the worst and this is my second attempt. I was at 25mg once but effed it up but that was my mistake of having had too much in reserve which is now locked away where I can’t reach it.