(Update 4/26) Would Like Assessment of My Weekly Drug Abuse Profile

[agoraphobe]

You haven't left you location in 7 years?
Ever get bored? That's one way addiction can begin.

Ya if anyone on Bluelight wants to help me in the field escape my location do to agoraphobia and PD I will certainly pay. NYC area. I only found one therapist in my life who was willing to do field exercises with me. Doing this stuff in public and not in a docs office is night and day. It has to be attacked where the delusions manifest, i.e a bridge, away from an exit deep inside a structure etc.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Well. I had my first real collapse yesterday. Since writing this initially, I increased my Kratom to 3 times a week. That seems to be a hard wall between stable use and having real problems both on off days and come downs.

I completely fell apart coming down from Kratom yesterday. Deep sadness and anxiety, crying my eyes out. As mentioned above I know I have to stop. I'm just so dependent on those wonderful 5 hour feelings. I'm not quitting or saying I'm quitting because it would be a lie, I'm not committed to that clearly. I will do the best I know I can do right now and lower use from 3 to 2 days a week. I also have to watch out when I get into the mid 5g range because I think yesterday I took an extra 600 mg cap that put me over my usual dose. Wondering if that also contributed to the vile comedown.

I know live in the same house (seperate floor) as my deeply toxic recovering alcholic uncle. This has been bad for my mental health, as he is always picking fights with me, coming into my apartment without permission etc. These are dark times for me as they are for I'm sure many. I've also been off for a week and knowing I have to deal with work stress in 24 hours is probably contributing to my mental breakdown. We'll see. I was able to balance myself out today at least with 1mg ativan. I've kept that mostly stable. Though had increased to 1.5 mg for about 2 months, doc realized, told me to lower and I did. So I dunno.

I'm telling a story probably told millions of time on here over the years and elsewhere. One of the few comforts I get is sharing my experiences with you guys on the forum on Discord. God bless.

I agree with the 2 vs 3x a week. Was a tipping point for me anyway. Though even 2x is enough to get a tolerance as I see in your dose... You're likely on track for addiction, though at this point it's reversible...
I can't help you when it comes to the anxiety issue, but getting in touch with people online was a blessing for me, too. Just take care to not get pulled deeper into the drug use - which may well happen on here...
Do you have any kind of creative outlet?

 

[washingtonbound]

Well. I had my first real collapse yesterday. Since writing this initially, I increased my Kratom to 3 times a week. That seems to be a hard wall between stable use and having real problems both on off days and come downs.

I completely fell apart coming down from Kratom yesterday. Deep sadness and anxiety, crying my eyes out. As mentioned above I know I have to stop. I'm just so dependent on those wonderful 5 hour feelings. I'm not quitting or saying I'm quitting because it would be a lie, I'm not committed to that clearly. I will do the best I know I can do right now and lower use from 3 to 2 days a week. I also have to watch out when I get into the mid 5g range because I think yesterday I took an extra 600 mg cap that put me over my usual dose. Wondering if that also contributed to the vile comedown.

I know live in the same house (seperate floor) as my deeply toxic recovering alcholic uncle. This has been bad for my mental health, as he is always picking fights with me, coming into my apartment without permission etc. These are dark times for me as they are for I'm sure many. I've also been off for a week and knowing I have to deal with work stress in 24 hours is probably contributing to my mental breakdown. We'll see. I was able to balance myself out today at least with 1mg ativan. I've kept that mostly stable. Though had increased to 1.5 mg for about 2 months, doc realized, told me to lower and I did. So I dunno.

I'm telling a story probably told millions of time on here over the years and elsewhere. One of the few comforts I get is sharing my experiences with you guys on the forum on Discord. God bless.

I finally quit a horrible nicotine pouch habit that was destroying my gums, 3 weeks in I wasn’t feeling the relief I was hoping for and slipped into the kratom again. My advice is if you continue using it, stay away from the extracts. Those cause me major mood swings and agitation. I’ve been using it almost every day for a couple weeks and basically need to quit. Strange because it causes more agitation than pleasant effects but I take it anyway to avoid sitting around all day sober. I don’t have much of a life.

I lasted 3 weeks at my last job so I can definitely relate to the dread of returning to work. I’ve barely worked at all in years, and collect disability.

 

[washingtonbound]

Ya if anyone on Bluelight wants to help me in the field escape my location do to agoraphobia and PD I will certainly pay. NYC area. I only found one therapist in my life who was willing to do field exercises with me. Doing this stuff in public and not in a docs office is night and day. It has to be attacked where the delusions manifest, i.e a bridge, away from an exit deep inside a structure etc.

It sounds like you are still holding a job so I imagine there are coping mechanisms that help with that. Perhaps before doing things, put yourself in the mindset that you do before going into work. Not wanting to do something but doing it anyways.

 

[agoraphobe]

Do you have any kind of creative outlet?

Thank you guys for the replies I read everything. I don't really have a creative outlet. I play some social pvp games online. But their is a catch.

1g of Agmatine and 1200 mg of NAC aggressively reduce kratom wds ( gabapentin too) but because life is all about cost benefit, the cost of taking those two is like a total loss of enjoyment in anything. I just kinda sit. It also will kill my nicotine and caffeine buzz, those two were my original drugs for years. I was primed to become an addict. Was a revelation recently.

I'm sober now on Agmatine. Just trying to I don't even know, survive? Get to tomorrow? Something like that. When you become dependent on drugs for pleasure sobriety becomes a challenge.

 

[agoraphobe]

I lasted 3 weeks at my last job so I can definitely relate to the dread of returning to work.

This helps. Hearing stuff like this. I say to myself all the time I can't be the only person who can barely cope with work. My job is extraordinarily challenging. Education. But I need to work or I'll end up on the street. I guess I'll survive or I won't. Time will tell

 

[agoraphobe]

Not wanting to do something but doing it anyways

I've noticed in life that the brain rewards that behavior. Forcing yourself to clean your living space, shower, do laundry etc when you just want to rot. The brain takes it as a survival cue "okay we're trying so let's keep the momentum forward".

I just hope I can enjoy coffee later. It's funny before all this, THC did not react well with me anymore, not like when I was younger. But once I became dependent on other, THC has helped calm me down in withdrawal states or poor moods.

 

[washingtonbound]

I've noticed in life that the brain rewards that behavior. Forcing yourself to clean your living space, shower, do laundry etc when you just want to rot. The brain takes it as a survival cue "okay we're trying so let's keep the momentum forward".

I just hope I can enjoy coffee later. It's funny before all this, THC did not react well with me anymore, not like when I was younger. But once I became dependent on other, THC has helped calm me down in withdrawal states or poor moods.

I am the opposite with THC, in the last few years, it has become entirely unpleasant, especially after becoming nicotine dependent a couple years ago. I have sort of switched from nicotine to Kratom, which is not good, and the last time I used THC a couple days ago I had a horrible time. That ship has sailed for me