So after I came into possession of a collection of dissociatives I eventually decided I was gonna try this substance. I have a decent scale but the high potency concerned me which is why I resorted to volumetric measuring at the beginning. I tried to dissolve 11 mg into 1 ml of water but that didn't work. The particles solidified in the syringe again after heating it. Alcohol might have been a better solvent in retrospect. I proceeded to shake the syringe and dosed approximately 5 mg orally. After some redosing to approx 11 mg the world around me began to change. It was remarkably subtle yet distinct. Something inside of me clicked. There wasn't much noticeable dissociation but a massive ego boost and mood lift. Suddenly there was no problem in the world that wasn't solvable. I wasn't depressed anymore, I felt pretty much invincible no matter the circumstances and It seemed that unlike with other dissoes I could really good interact with the world in this state. I felt like I found the perfect dissociative to use as a potential nootropic.
My problems seemed gone. I simply needed to adjust my approach to things. This substance showed me alternatives I never even considered while sober. I made new plans in order to solve my problems and they seemed solid. I just needed to stay on this substance in order to carry them out. In the back of my mind there was a cautioning voice whispering that this feeling isn't real and that when a substance tells you, everything will be alright as long as you stay on it all the time, that this is really your reward system talking that got completely hijacked but at the time I didn't care about all that. There simply was no reason in the world to worry.
Usually I do dissos exclusively at night. They are just not day time drugs in my opinion. You sit on the couch in the dark and enjoy the snuggling effects. This disso was different. Due to its subtle dissociation it seemed like a perfectly fine daily driver. The sensory input during day time was beautiful, sharp and vibrant. I went on about my day and it was a wonderful time which solidified my decision to stay on this substance indefinately.
I ended up weighting my doses directly. I started snorting 7 mg here, 10 mg there every 5 hours or so. I have considerable perma tolerance to dissos which made it tricky to find the right dosage. I waited a good 90 minutes in between redoses, which seemed safe but made it even more tricky to get the dosage right, so I ended up waiting 40 minutes before redosing. I tried to be careful and staggered my weighted out doses instead of snorting them all at once. At the beginning this seemed to work fine but as it turned out it wouldn't stay this way for long.
After spending considerable time reflecting about my life and developing strategies to combat my problems I've made up my mind. I was gonna reconnect with old friends I havent spoken to in over a decade. The approach seemed sold. You can't solve your issues alone, you need friends. In the end everything will be alright if you follow this path. It was so simple. The solutions to my problems were right there. I was flooded with intense happyness and enjoyed myself. I felt like being stuck like lightings of joy. I ended up drinking a beer which seriously affected me. Suddenly I was confused and numbed out. This one little beer was enough to throw me considerably off balance. Maybe something about the suspected the mu agonism? Alcohol def didn't seem like a smart choice on this substance. Somewhere in the middle of all this I decided its time for a redose. I weighted out 15 mg and proceeded to snort it in one go instead of staggering it. Right after I've done that an inner voice told me that this might have been too much. This was the last thing I remembered.
I was locked in a hellscape which looked like my room but felt like nothing was real. I've failed in life and this was gonna be judgement day. I was gonna be locked in there for all eternity. Suddenly my mother was in my vision and my roommate. I should have noticed that something was wrong when paramedics appeared in my vision of hell but there was no chance to connect the dots. There was no point talking me down. Or trying to stop me. I was in a complete state of dissociative anesthesia. Except that I wasnt lying on my sofa like expected but I obviously proceeded to walk around and fall repeatedly, scream and cry in the process. In this state I must have been found by my mother and my roommate. I was told I was lying on the back, tring to get up, falling again and ending up convulsing.
The paramedics injected me with 2 mg midazolam and took me with them. I have no recollection about any of that. I wasn't able to tell them what I took. When I was asked who I was, I literally told them I am jesus. I woke up 4 hours later in the hospital.I was still perfectly calm. There was no worry in the world. Shit happens. I just need to be more careful next time. It was just annoying that I couldn't leave. I expressed several times that I'd like to leave now until the nurse told me that if I don't stay still they are gonna call the police. That made me stop. I called my mom to pick me up who was super pissed and told me that I need to get my head scanned because of my falls. She said I have an aneurism and this is no joke. This was news to me. I've had an aneurism? Nah. There is no reason to worry. As it turned out I indeed have an aneurism in my brain since birth which they decided not to operate on. Oh boy if I had known that before I might have made some different decisions in my life. I did so many drugs in reckless quantities in my youth. Im 42 now and I just learned I have an aneurism. Oh well.
They ended up scanning my head. Everything was fine. I proceeded to sneak out of the ER to bum a desperately needed cigarette outside. The day was extremely bright, sunny and beautiful. After several hours my mom came to pick me up. Needless to say I inflicted considerable stress on her. Again. Dissociatives are just not my cup of tea. A similar situation happened during a k-hole on ketamine where I started walking around and falling repeatedly. If I ever need emergency surgery I hope they won't use ketamine on me. I can't imagine being locked in a hell scape watching doctors operate on me and trying to restrain me while moving around.
I was lucky. Not only did I not injure myself they didn't just send me to the next psych ward where they would evaluate my mental state for the next couple of weeks. I could just leave. When getting home my drugs were gone. My mom took them but I found a small baggy she overlooked with the remaining 3-ho-pcp. Hello again. Instantly my thoughts of using it as a nootropic returned. I just needed volumetric dosing and stay below anesthetic levels. But nah, I ended up giving it to my mom. I caused enough problems for one day.
That night I ended up snorting my last few mg of this drug I could find and took 13 mg of 4-pro-dmt in order to reflect on things. This resulted in massive criticism of just about everything I did for the next 3 hours. The mushroom gods were displeased that I dared to enter their sphere in this state and that I tainted their substance with a pcp analogue, which are complete opposite approaches of problem solving. One is about facing your problems head on and the other one is about dissociating from them. The DMT elves once told D.M. Turner that ketamine is a "frankenstein molecule" which really should not be combined with psychedelics such as DMT. Turner might have been onto something. Sadly he didn't listen to his own advice and was found dead drowned in his bath tub during one of his ketamine endeavors.
Today after I woke up I felt really old. I wasn't an invincible super soldier anymore. I can't tell how sore my muscles feel. Or how much of the pain is from falling and convulsing or caused by side effects from the drug itself but I have a feeling its from this substance. It seems def more on the toxic side as far as dissociatives go. I also read about toxicological reports where this drug caused serious complications including multi organ failure and death in addition to sore muscles. I knew all that but I did it anyway. My reasoning was that many drugs have serious side effects but are being marketed as well, so there shouldn't be a high chance of me suffering the exact same symptoms others did, right? Well. I suffered pretty much every side effect that was warned about minus multi organ failure and death.
I'm gonna take it slow from now on. A little pot on occasion. I thought my experience might be useful for some peeps on here. I can only suggest to be very careful dealing with this substance due to its high potency, noticeable toxicity and a reputation for falling and freak outs at higher dosage. And whatever you do, do not trust this substance if it tells you its the solution to your lifes problems. My insights made sense and still do but I don't think I have the courage to carry them out while sober. I havent spoken to my friends in forever and I don't think what good it would do trying to reconnect with them. Chances are they are finished with me anyway or I would have heard from them at some point.
Alright then, thats all for now. Stay safe peeps.
Damn heh that sucks but was all so relatable, everything up to the actual hospital trip I thought I could have written myself. I have actually had weird thoughts deep into a disso escapade with 3-HO-PCP that maybe I'd somehow attracted the police and/or ambulance people but in actual fact that was just a vague scary hallucination and I was in fact just sitting or lying on my sofa, alone. Definitely though I could see that shit happening to me in some alternate realities where I accidentally get found by some well meaning interfering person while catatonically dissociated... so when I read that first in my head I was thinking damn that's all so similar before I realized it actually happened.
But the way you described that absolute certainty that everything actually will just be fine while you're on the substance, lol... so familiar. But also so goddamn precarious. Actually that earlier bit reminded me a bit more of 3-MeO-PCP as well, just a feeling of absurd confidence, everything's gonna be absolutely great from now on, obviously, why wouldn't it be?? But then suddenly, BAM, everything is suddenly more uncertain again... whether drinking a beer, going outside, or just absolutely random from one moment to the next everything shifts and goes from supreme confidence to weird, unsettling, getting kinda dark...
I'd say the drug-induced-insight about reaching out to old friends is maybe not totally misplaced though, I never actually did this on a dissociative, maybe just coz I never had time in that brief window of confidence before everything got completely loopy but one of my most memorable (one of the only truly "memorable", lol) experiences doing benzos, when I was quite benzo-naive generally, unfamiliar with the sobriety delusion, etc, I had just got a bunch of valium and xanax and ended up messaging a whole bunch of old friends, some of which I hadn't spoken to in 10 years. I eventually just passed out and when I looked over all the messages I'd sent the next day, I think exclusively on Facebook messenger, you could see the progression where I got more and more messy and some of the later ones were just gibberish, hah. Most people just ignored me, a few replied and were seemingly happy to chat but for whatever reason we never met up or spoke again, but 3 of 'em I met up with soon after and I still see them occasionally and keep in touch to this day, 7 or 8 years later. 1 of 'em I hung out with a few times but has since died. So, I dunno, maybe I didn't even message that many people, I surely don't even know that many people, but if it was 20 people that's not a bad result.
It's honestly perhaps the only time I can think of in my life where a totally messy random bender actually had a really positive long-term outcome... I wonder if I'm too cynical and jaded to ever do some shit like that again nowadays, heh, I'd be too aware of the sobriety delusion and the potential issues drunk messaging people, all that shit... On the other hand though there's another life lesson there which is any of us can do something like this at any moment - it's just all these deep-seated negative assumptions and cynicisms and fears that prevent us from doing this kind of stuff, most of the time. But of the people who will actually respond positively to that kind of thing, many of them obviously will have these same inhibitions preventing them from being the one to reach out. But think also how rare it actually is that people do spontaneously reach out to people from their past like that, it's surely not that common, right? I mean maybe it is, but I don't think it's ever happened to me, I think I'd be open to it though. So, maybe something to think about, just IMHO, if it's at all possible to bring back some kind of positive outcome from that experience.
