🌟🌟 Social 🌟🌟 The Dark Side Social Thread v. Darksiders Forever

[Sp4rky]

Well, looks like you're going to be able to see your fav. Band after all - glad you're okay!

I wish. Started nodding off on the public transport back to my room and felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore. Managed to call an ambulance, which I now highly regret.

Most traumatic experience of my life and now I’ll forever be labeled a drug addict in my medical files and have raging anxiety about my mom finding out about my use, as well as having relapsed with my self harm and no way these scars can blend in with the previous ones. I feel stupid and disgusting.

To top it off, my fucking toilet is clogged from all the throwing up and I’m missing the concert. Not tempted to take anything right now, I feel extremely shell shocked.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

I wish. Started nodding off on the public transport back to my room and felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore. Managed to call an ambulance, which I now highly regret.

Most traumatic experience of my life and now I’ll forever be labeled a drug addict in my medical files and have raging anxiety about my mom finding out about my use, as well as having relapsed with my self harm and no way these scars can blend in with the previous ones. I feel stupid and disgusting.

To top it off, my fucking toilet is clogged from all the throwing up and I’m missing the concert. Not tempted to take anything right now, I feel extremely shell shocked.

Idk what they did to traumatize you, but one question about your medical file: Is your data stored in any centralized accessible form? The Insurance will know, ofc, but can other medical personal outside the clinic also access these reports? You're over 18, so here that would mean you have the right to allow or disallow the access to them...

 

[Sp4rky]

Idk what they did to traumatize you, but one question about your medical file: Is your data stored in any centralized accessible form? The Insurance will know, ofc, but can other medical personal outside the clinic also access these reports? You're over 18, so here that would mean you have the right to allow or disallow the access to them...

Yeah I have to have that enabled due to my chronic illness. So far haven’t had issues and I did clearly state that I did not consent to the report from my hospital trip to be shared with my mom at least, so there’s that. My general practitioner will get a report about this however and it’ll also be sent to a mental health service I’m currently on the waiting list for to hopefully speed things up.

It was traumatizing in the sense that I was and felt wholly alone and confused, with the hospital staff mocking my self harm and giving me stitches when I clearly stated I did not want any stitches. But they did so anyways because ‘else it would look ugly’. Thank fuck I was still high at that point.

It was fine while I was still high, but as soon as the O-DSMT wore off, I started feeling this massive sense of doom and this urge to rip all the hospital wires off and run away as fast as possible.

The worst was when I had to ‘prove’ I was mentally sound enough to not be locked up in a mental institution. I went through that before with a previous suicide attempt and it’s pure hell. The people are extremely mean and it didn’t help that I took a bizarre cocktail of research chemicals none of them had heard of. Luckily I knew what to avoid saying and the inpatient clinics are pretty full here, so they deemed me safe enough and let me go.

The walk home was also awful, looking like shit, not having eaten anything in 24h at that point, no sleep, nauseous and throwing up in public. Just straight up humiliation of people staring at me .—.

I got what I deserved I guess, it was definitely partially my fault for staying up late way too late multiple days in a row while snorting 2-mmc and drinking copious amounts of caffeine trying to finish some stupid uni project. Part also just bad luck I suppose. Like if I didn’t have that dentist appointment the ambulance & hospital wouldn’t have happened and if my damn neighboring roommate wasn’t having a coke freakout while I was equally having a paranoid freakout, this also wouldn’t have happend.

But ohh well, it did. Not much I can do about that except for try and move on. Feeling a bit better today. Still a bit out of it and dissociative, but did a lot of chores and almost finished the damn uni task. It’s comforting in a way to know that even through the worst of times I’m somehow able to keep myself alive and my room clean and all, despite my dysfunctional habits.

Hate having relapsed with self harm after such a long time of not doing so however. It’s one of my most shameful habits and one of the ones with the strongest urges, besides maybe opioids, especially right now that I just want to forget about it all.

 

[streaM Freak]

@Sp4rky - glad you're feeling a little bit better.

Don't i know it, so crazy now that i actually hear someone else say it, how the release from inpatient can be so rough. In my experience, yes staff does have a responsibility to make sure we "have a place to go", but it seemed like it was mostly just a box to check and not something that was necessarily best fit to set us up for success. Hard to do im sure, insurance running out, staff, resources limited, i get it, but it's not ideal and does definitely suck. Been there many times myself. I think 2 of my times being release, i was back in within a couple weeks.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Yeah I have to have that enabled due to my chronic illness. So far haven’t had issues and I did clearly state that I did not consent to the report from my hospital trip to be shared with my mom at least, so there’s that. My general practitioner will get a report about this however and it’ll also be sent to a mental health service I’m currently on the waiting list for to hopefully speed things up.

It was traumatizing in the sense that I was and felt wholly alone and confused, with the hospital staff mocking my self harm and giving me stitches when I clearly stated I did not want any stitches. But they did so anyways because ‘else it would look ugly’. Thank fuck I was still high at that point.

It was fine while I was still high, but as soon as the O-DSMT wore off, I started feeling this massive sense of doom and this urge to rip all the hospital wires off and run away as fast as possible.

The worst was when I had to ‘prove’ I was mentally sound enough to not be locked up in a mental institution. I went through that before with a previous suicide attempt and it’s pure hell. The people are extremely mean and it didn’t help that I took a bizarre cocktail of research chemicals none of them had heard of. Luckily I knew what to avoid saying and the inpatient clinics are pretty full here, so they deemed me safe enough and let me go.

The walk home was also awful, looking like shit, not having eaten anything in 24h at that point, no sleep, nauseous and throwing up in public. Just straight up humiliation of people staring at me .—.

I got what I deserved I guess, it was definitely partially my fault for staying up late way too late multiple days in a row while snorting 2-mmc and drinking copious amounts of caffeine trying to finish some stupid uni project. Part also just bad luck I suppose. Like if I didn’t have that dentist appointment the ambulance & hospital wouldn’t have happened and if my damn neighboring roommate wasn’t having a coke freakout while I was equally having a paranoid freakout, this also wouldn’t have happend.

But ohh well, it did. Not much I can do about that except for try and move on. Feeling a bit better today. Still a bit out of it and dissociative, but did a lot of chores and almost finished the damn uni task. It’s comforting in a way to know that even through the worst of times I’m somehow able to keep myself alive and my room clean and all, despite my dysfunctional habits.

Hate having relapsed with self harm after such a long time of not doing so however. It’s one of my most shameful habits and one of the ones with the strongest urges, besides maybe opioids, especially right now that I just want to forget about it all.

I get the humiliation totally.. Just wanted to add that the sense of doom also comes to me - a lot less pronounced ofc, but still - every time WD sets in. Or the opioid wears off, the difference is hard to tell in my case. I found it a lot worse with Kratom though, as it's not only serotonergic, but also - at least for me - wears off pretty fast, so it's more abrupt, which I would also expect to happen after a huge dose as in your case. Might not help an awful lot, but that part was likely very much chemically triggered.
On another note I really hope for you that it was a once only relapse on the self-harm... I wish that things can calm down for you now..

 

[streaM Freak]

Yeah and if it wasn't a 1-time thing, today you can make the choice to try finding more healthy ways.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

The dark side... Of doing drugs is you always end up hurting others besides yourself, especially those you care for and who care for you the most. Last night I broke my son's heart right after the birthday cake... Can't he make a different wish but for me to stop vaping? Add the red cloth his dad is for me acting like a saint and innocent victim of my insane wrath just to make me rage more...
And then my foolish habit to reply honestly when asked... Now one out of three, and I bet today it's gonna be two out of three of my kids will know I'm using more than just Nicotine and weed to endure this marriage...
Congratulations! (As @Shinji Ikari would say) - and why do I always hit the send button accidentally!? )

 

[Sp4rky]

The dark side... Of doing drugs is you always end up hurting others besides yourself, especially those you care for and who care for you the most.

Mmm very much true and can relate wholly .—. I only starting recovery from my anorexia because my little sister, mom and friends were crying and screaming about their fear of losing me at every meal I’d refuse to eat and I just couldn’t bear to keep hurting them like that..

I can’t imagine how hard your situation with having your kids feel like that would be.. if you don’t mind sharing, how old are your kids?

I can only speak from my experience growing up with parents who got divorced when I was two and in my case I think it was better long term that they did get divorced, but then I was lucky I was only two and had no real awareness of the entire situation.

It’s a hard line between not wanting to act out the lie of a ‘happy’ marriage, but also not being too honest and dumping adult problems onto kids not equipped to deal with that information.

There’s not really any advice I can give as all options are painful, the only best thing to do is to be as involved as a parent as you can manage and to try to show them that you are trying to better bad habits, even if you can’t completely eliminate them.

I’d ramble on but too high and wired in my brain right now, wish you well with your situation tho!

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Mmm very much true and can relate wholly .—. I only starting recovery from my anorexia because my little sister, mom and friends were crying and screaming about their fear of losing me at every meal I’d refuse to eat and I just couldn’t bear to keep hurting them like that..

... I honestly hope that one day you can reach a point where hurting yourself will matter to you as well - as in being able to genuinely care for yourself

I can’t imagine how hard your situation with having your kids feel like that would be.. if you don’t mind sharing, how old are your kids?

12 yo, and still really innocent in this respect.. My youngest is 4 yo.

I can only speak from my experience growing up with parents who got divorced when I was two and in my case I think it was better long term that they did get divorced, but then I was lucky I was only two and had no real awareness of the entire situation.

Separation isn't easy as we can't afford renting an additional apartment. It would mean that even the little things he does will all be on me alone again... It's not a desirable option. Also the kids love him. They want us to stay... And at least one of them is trying to make it work in our place, which is definitely not his job to do...

It’s a hard line between not wanting to act out the lie of a ‘happy’ marriage, but also not being too honest and dumping adult problems onto kids not equipped to deal with that information.

Yeah.. I crossed that line long time ago and told them more than they wanted to know... That's one of my issues: I can hardly hold back when these topics come up...

There’s not really any advice I can give as all options are painful, the only best thing to do is to be as involved as a parent as you can manage and to try to show them that you are trying to better bad habits, even if you can’t completely eliminate them.

Yes, I try to involve, but it's a struggle...They are pushing me to stop vaping since last year September or so.. I promised to stop ... First until end of the year - when I run out... Which I didn't still, but almost... I can only hope I'll be able to quit,....

I’d ramble on but too high and wired in my brain right now, wish you well with your situation tho!

Thanks and same to you

 

[Sp4rky]

... I honestly hope that one day you can reach a point where hurting yourself will matter to you as well - as in being able to genuinely care for yourself

Mmm yeah for me it is extremely mood dependent. Every emotion for me has it’s own view of my life, myself and people around me.

If I’m feeling positive then I don’t get how I could ever be depressed, hurt myself or attempt suicide. Not fully manic as in ‘I am a god, everyone loves me’ but I feel really really confident and am so grateful and full of love for my friends and my life.

Then when I’m in a negative mood I don’t give a single fuck about myself, safety wise, health wise just in general I feel deep self hatred and become convinced everyone either hates me, is plotting against me, etc…

There’s something I’ve always had where if my life is stable for too long, I self sabotage and purposely do self destructive things just because. I am on the waiting list for mental health care but I’m very scared of having to do the entire ‘what label of mentally fucked shall we give you and do you need to be locked up?’ part again, but that slight positive part of me does want to find ways to cope with my brain and it helps having genuine friends who are dealing with the same stuff, specifically borderline and are able to give me tips on what has worked for them treatment wise.

12 yo, and still really innocent in this respect.. My youngest is 4 yo.

Separation isn't easy as we can't afford renting an additional apartment. It would mean that even the little things he does will all be on me alone again... It's not a desirable option. Also the kids love him. They want us to stay... And at least one of them is trying to make it work in our place, which is definitely not his job to do...

Ahh that is a very hard situation… don’t underestimate 12 year olds, when I was 12 I was still the ‘always happy, creative, smart kid’ to the outside, but on the inside I was googling painless ways to kill yourself.

Not to scare you, that’s obviously not the average 12 year old’s experience, but kids often know and feel more than they show, especially when they sense someone is already in a vulnerable position and not wanting to become a burden.

Yeah.. I crossed that line long time ago and told them more than they wanted to know... That's one of my issues: I can hardly hold back when these topics come up...

Mmm I feel you on that one, I have that a lot with friends and I always feel so guilty and so much self hate afterwards. It sucks, don’t really know what more to comment on that :/

Yes, I try to involve, but it's a struggle...They are pushing me to stop vaping since last year September or so.. I promised to stop ... First until end of the year - when I run out... Which I didn't still, but almost... I can only hope I'll be able to quit,....

Thanks and same to you

ahh that is good to have goals like that. Perhaps breaking it up into smaller goals could be helpful, as well as finding out the specific aspect of vaping that is addictive to you. Oral fixation can be a bigggg part of that as well so slowly transitioning to some other method of getting that satisfaction might help ease the process of quitting.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Mmm yeah for me it is extremely mood dependent. Every emotion for me has it’s own view of my life, myself and people around me.

If I’m feeling positive then I don’t get how I could ever be depressed, hurt myself or attempt suicide. Not fully manic as in ‘I am a god, everyone loves me’ but I feel really really confident and am so grateful and full of love for my friends and my life.

Then when I’m in a negative mood I don’t give a single fuck about myself, safety wise, health wise just in general I feel deep self hatred and become convinced everyone either hates me, is plotting against me, etc…

There’s something I’ve always had where if my life is stable for too long, I self sabotage and purposely do self destructive things just because. I am on the waiting list for mental health care but I’m very scared of having to do the entire ‘what label of mentally fucked shall we give you and do you need to be locked up?’ part again, but that slight positive part of me does want to find ways to cope with my brain and it helps having genuine friends who are dealing with the same stuff, specifically borderline and are able to give me tips on what has worked for them treatment wise.

I see... Those issues are surely worth working on them as they are obviously a big burden on your life...

Ahh that is a very hard situation… don’t underestimate 12 year olds, when I was 12 I was still the ‘always happy, creative, smart kid’ to the outside, but on the inside I was googling painless ways to kill yourself.

Not to scare you, that’s obviously not the average 12 year old’s experience, but kids often know and feel more than they show, especially when they sense someone is already in a vulnerable position and not wanting to become a burden.

Well the big ones have very different ways of reacting to the situation. While one tries to fix everything in our place, the other doesn't care half as much (visibly) and other than asking sometimes he doesn't involve. He's way more inclined to take advantage of the situation...

Mmm I feel you on that one, I have that a lot with friends and I always feel so guilty and so much self hate afterwards. It sucks, don’t really know what more to comment on that :/

I've given up on feeling guilty for telling them about most issues. Though that's different witg the drugs. They should have never found out. That one truly makes me feel bad, as it's not only a terrible example, it's also too much of a load for them to carry...

ahh that is good to have goals like that. Perhaps breaking it up into smaller goals could be helpful, as well as finding out the specific aspect of vaping that is addictive to you. Oral fixation can be a bigggg part of that as well so slowly transitioning to some other method of getting that satisfaction might help ease the process of quitting.

It's a big issue for me as it's directly linked to my drug use. I keep vaping to increase the high, so as long as I keep dosing high ( pun intended) I'm unlikely to stop vaping...

 

[Sp4rky]

Already back at this thread, just want to fucking breath man

High as fuck on O-DSMT and diazepam rn. Last Friday I definitely underestimated the meth comedown of binging through over 0.7 of a g, didn’t sleep a single hour not even with eating benzos by the handful.

Pupils looked dilated to absolute shit, which was funny cuz while binging the meth my pupils remained relatively ‘normal’ sized, but I guess it was the lack of sleep leading to near psychotic bullshit or a specific benzo I took which caused it. Then I spend my whole morning accidentally getting greened out and freaking out about my eyes and my mom noticing.

Took O-DSMT to try and reduce my pupil size which worked kinda and got real lucky it didn’t make me sick combining it with all the other shit in my system.

Still slightly tweaked & greened out did my morning routine and had been too busy panicking over my pupils I hadn’t noticed the bright blue crumbs staining my teeth of the benzos I subliminally took earlier.

Mom immediately noticed and also accused me of the crumbs smelling like menthol and my breath smelling like weed. Which was unusual as I’ve been vaping weed the same way for years and never gotten smell accusations.

I immediately made up the excuse of having eaten skittles and the ‘nooo I swear I didn’t smoke weed, must have been the neighbors or sum’, last one was an obvious lie, first one luckily I did have an open bag of skittles in my room which I’m begging she has noticed somewhere yesterday.

Tried to act normal but I was still pretty fucking high and being clumsy and forming odd sentences & shit so yeah… fucked up over such minuscule details, I hate myself.

Was supposed to be the celebration dsy of my birthday w/ my family, most of which I spend in my room tweaking tf out trying to act normal, blablabla, don’t know how much of what I heard downstairs was actually real or if it were auditory hallucinations, but heard my mom crying a bunch, yelling and phoning a bunch of people including the housing agency I JUST got offered a contract by, which was one of my biggest hopes of finally having a place to myself again and just being to fucking breath for a second.

Dinner time we went to my grandparents house. By this point I was getting incredibly tired and started dozing off so I stupidly did a bit of meth.

Right before leaving I get freaked out about my pupils being huge again so I take more O-DSMT and benzos.

Right when the pre-dinner snacks were brought I got a massive wave of nausea, managed to somewhat ‘normally’ make it to the toilet and puked for half an hour straight.

Felt better after puking luckily, so I continued acting as sober as possible, still paranoid and thinking I was hearing my mom talk to my grandma about me being on drugs.

Was barely able to eat, got a bunch of comments on looking too thin and whether I’d relapsed with my anorexia, while no, I’m actively trying to gain weight but I’m just build like a twink and being a poly-drug addict certainly doesn’t help with my already low appetite.

Weird mix of good conversations where I felt somewhat ‘normal acting’ but towards dessert time I started nearly dozing off and just feeling really fucking sad and terrified of having messed up the best change at stable housing I’ve had so far.

In bed now, unable to sleep again. Took fuck knows how much more O-DSMT and diazepam. Feel flat now and typing is hard. Reached out to this girl to vent after she vented to me about her drug use spiraling and her telling she’d be there for me too, but she hasn’t replied since.

Tired, scared but not in a feeling way, in a suspenseful way

Fuxking off now, can barely type

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Already back at this thread, just want to fucking breath man

High as fuck on O-DSMT and diazepam rn. Last Friday I definitely underestimated the meth comedown of binging through over 0.7 of a g, didn’t sleep a single hour not even with eating benzos by the handful.

Pupils looked dilated to absolute shit, which was funny cuz while binging the meth my pupils remained relatively ‘normal’ sized, but I guess it was the lack of sleep leading to near psychotic bullshit or a specific benzo I took which caused it. Then I spend my whole morning accidentally getting greened out and freaking out about my eyes and my mom noticing.

Took O-DSMT to try and reduce my pupil size which worked kinda and got real lucky it didn’t make me sick combining it with all the other shit in my system.

Still slightly tweaked & greened out did my morning routine and had been too busy panicking over my pupils I hadn’t noticed the bright blue crumbs staining my teeth of the benzos I subliminally took earlier.

Mom immediately noticed and also accused me of the crumbs smelling like menthol and my breath smelling like weed. Which was unusual as I’ve been vaping weed the same way for years and never gotten smell accusations.

I immediately made up the excuse of having eaten skittles and the ‘nooo I swear I didn’t smoke weed, must have been the neighbors or sum’, last one was an obvious lie, first one luckily I did have an open bag of skittles in my room which I’m begging she has noticed somewhere yesterday.

Tried to act normal but I was still pretty fucking high and being clumsy and forming odd sentences & shit so yeah… fucked up over such minuscule details, I hate myself.

Was supposed to be the celebration dsy of my birthday w/ my family, most of which I spend in my room tweaking tf out trying to act normal, blablabla, don’t know how much of what I heard downstairs was actually real or if it were auditory hallucinations, but heard my mom crying a bunch, yelling and phoning a bunch of people including the housing agency I JUST got offered a contract by, which was one of my biggest hopes of finally having a place to myself again and just being to fucking breath for a second.

Dinner time we went to my grandparents house. By this point I was getting incredibly tired and started dozing off so I stupidly did a bit of meth.

Right before leaving I get freaked out about my pupils being huge again so I take more O-DSMT and benzos.

Right when the pre-dinner snacks were brought I got a massive wave of nausea, managed to somewhat ‘normally’ make it to the toilet and puked for half an hour straight.

Felt better after puking luckily, so I continued acting as sober as possible, still paranoid and thinking I was hearing my mom talk to my grandma about me being on drugs.

Was barely able to eat, got a bunch of comments on looking too thin and whether I’d relapsed with my anorexia, while no, I’m actively trying to gain weight but I’m just build like a twink and being a poly-drug addict certainly doesn’t help with my already low appetite.

Weird mix of good conversations where I felt somewhat ‘normal acting’ but towards dessert time I started nearly dozing off and just feeling really fucking sad and terrified of having messed up the best change at stable housing I’ve had so far.

In bed now, unable to sleep again. Took fuck knows how much more O-DSMT and diazepam. Feel flat now and typing is hard. Reached out to this girl to vent after she vented to me about her drug use spiraling and her telling she’d be there for me too, but she hasn’t replied since.

Tired, scared but not in a feeling way, in a suspenseful way

Fuxking off now, can barely type

First of all I hope you can get some sleep now...

Second I blame your situation on meth now mainly, as it's what set all those domino effects in motion....

Over time you're likely going to learn where your limits are. Unless you're setting them beforehand. to avoid more pain...
...Or polyaddiction to your landing gear.

I'd say to avoid it completely, but it's not me deciding that...

 

[Sp4rky]

First of all I hope you can get some sleep now...

Second I blame your situation on meth now mainly, as it's what set all those domino effects in motion....

Over time you're likely going to learn where your limits are. Unless you're setting them beforehand. to avoid more pain...
...Or polyaddiction to your landing gear.

I'd say to avoid it completely, but it's not me deciding that...

Still haven’t slept since, begging I will tonight. The meth is definitely the biggest culprit yeah, but also just being back in my old room is bringing constant flashbacks of all the fucked up shit that happend and I’m only now starting to realize how badly I need some sort of help mental health wise. I always feel the need to be vigilant, especially now back at my mom’s house.

I always felt unworthy of calling it ‘trauma’ or telling people about my C-PTSD diagnosis, because it’s not like I went into a warzone, just stupid ‘emo’ teenager stuff like self harm, eating disorders and suicide attempts, which I feel dumb about because I did that to myself. But at the same time I was just a scared kid wanting to numb it all and I haven’t moved on from that as much as I thought I had.

For now vaping weed in bed and probably insufflating some diazepam soon. Decided I won’t use any uppers until I’ve moved out into my new room and can hopefully, finally feel at peace for once. Slightly worried about my benzo tolerance, but honestly I just need stay as calm as possible as to not get caught substance wise. And also have a rave planned the day after moving with some people I have missed like hell, so I want to maximize the fun of that if that makes sense.

Regarding the meth, I know I won’t stop using, but I do want to set up guidelines as I know that I like shit too much

Shutting up now, gn, morning whatever to y’all Fuck I’m exhausted

 

[Sp4rky]

You're doing everything to get strung out my friend,
and you will be, I guarantee.
I don't like writing doom like this, but at this point I'm considering you an addict - welcome to the club..

You're doing everything to get strung out my friend,
and you will be, I guarantee.
I don't like writing doom like this, but at this point I'm considering you an addict - welcome to the club..

Well I just ‘woke up’ as in I can semi-stop myself from nodding off still but fuck I am having realization I fucked up BAD like real real bad

It took longer to fully get to its peak effects and this shit got me higher than high dosed IV morphine. It also had me okay fuck I’m still nodding off and my vision is blurry as hell

But the moments I was conscious all I could think was ‘this is how I’ve always wanted to feel and I need to know how I’d feel shooting this stuff up’ and I can still feel that extreme sedation of my respiratory system, as if I have to manually breath, but I felt so good I couldn’t have cared less if I was ODing. Still don’t.

Fucked up in another way too, was listening to music through earbuds at full volume and eventually was just straight up unconscious and didn’t notice that I lost one in my sleep and it was most DEFINITELY hearable by my mom who I think I heard creep up my stairs to my room just enough to be able to see me, heard her sniffing the air too and I can’t smell, I don’t fucking know how strong or how any of the chemicals I still had bumps & lines laying on my ipad on my window sill smell…

I think I heard her cry too but I can’t be sure because I’m paranoid as hell

If y’all don’t hear from me I’m either dead or in rehab fuck my life I hate myself for fucking everything up all the damn time

UPDATE (since I moved this post to this thread and a lot happend):

I think the 2-mmc saved my life. I don’t remember much except not weighing out a single bump of the IC-26 and eventually losing consciousness completely, followed by waking up from hours of that, gasping for air, blurry vision, etc… at first was more worried about the situation with my mom and I still am, but I thought I would stop nodding off but I didn’t. I started feeling higher and higher and more sedated and less able to breathe every second and for the first few minutes I didn’t care. I still partially don’t.

I don’t know what’s real anymore, or what is happening, but something in me does want to live, I don’t want to die and I’m scared. Snorted speed, 2-mmc and meth. Feeling less sedated though still noticeable respiratory depression, just very shallow and less frequent breaths. Pupils completely pinpointed and eyes completely bloodshot. My lips aren’t blue tho, so that’s a good sign I think, so I don’t think I’ll die and I also just feel really fucking good right now, but also fuxking mad at myself because there’s still a chance my family is staging an intervention RIGHT now with today ALSO being the day I should be receiving the keys for a long term
Room for myself, a life long dream of mine, something my 14 year old self who attempted suicide because he thought he’d never reach that point would be so overjoyed with to experience.

I have multiple options and no, I’m not calling an ambulance, not after last time. I don’t care what you all say, sorry :/

But I could monitor my own heart rate and blood pressure, I have tools for that and dose with more stims if necessary, as IC-26 has a really long half life.

Or I could attempt to find and go to a location that gives out nalaxone, but that might take a while or might not even be accessible to me and my area, especially not in the state I’m in. At least not fully nodding off anymore but vision still keeps blurring and I keep kind of falling over. Fuck I’m a fucking junkie man. So much potential and this is what I do with my life but then I also can’t ignore the fact I’d be dead without drugs.

I’m going for first option and trying to have a ‘as normal as possible’ type of day, just, JUST at the tiniest chance that my family hasn’t noticed because there’s no one home and no ambulances or anything and I know my mom, she wouldn’t leave me by myself like this if she was sure I have hard drugs on me.

I hope one day I can unwire this absolute hellish mess of a brain. Ohh all the stories I could tell. Funny and sad what can I say

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Well I just ‘woke up’ as in I can semi-stop myself from nodding off still but fuck I am having realization I fucked up BAD like real real bad

It took longer to fully get to its peak effects and this shit got me higher than high dosed IV morphine. It also had me okay fuck I’m still nodding off and my vision is blurry as hell

But the moments I was conscious all I could think was ‘this is how I’ve always wanted to feel and I need to know how I’d feel shooting this stuff up’ and I can still feel that extreme sedation of my respiratory system, as if I have to manually breath, but I felt so good I couldn’t have cared less if I was ODing. Still don’t.

Fucked up in another way too, was listening to music through earbuds at full volume and eventually was just straight up unconscious and didn’t notice that I lost one in my sleep and it was most DEFINITELY hearable by my mom who I think I heard creep up my stairs to my room just enough to be able to see me, heard her sniffing the air too and I can’t smell, I don’t fucking know how strong or how any of the chemicals I still had bumps & lines laying on my ipad on my window sill smell…

I think I heard her cry too but I can’t be sure because I’m paranoid as hell

If y’all don’t hear from me I’m either dead or in rehab fuck my life I hate myself for fucking everything up all the damn time

UPDATE (since I moved this post to this thread and a lot happend):

I think the 2-mmc saved my life. I don’t remember much except not weighing out a single bump of the IC-26 and eventually losing consciousness completely, followed by waking up from hours of that, gasping for air, blurry vision, etc… at first was more worried about the situation with my mom and I still am, but I thought I would stop nodding off but I didn’t. I started feeling higher and higher and more sedated and less able to breathe every second and for the first few minutes I didn’t care. I still partially don’t.

I don’t know what’s real anymore, or what is happening, but something in me does want to live, I don’t want to die and I’m scared. Snorted speed, 2-mmc and meth. Feeling less sedated though still noticeable respiratory depression, just very shallow and less frequent breaths. Pupils completely pinpointed and eyes completely bloodshot. My lips aren’t blue tho, so that’s a good sign I think, so I don’t think I’ll die and I also just feel really fucking good right now, but also fuxking mad at myself because there’s still a chance my family is staging an intervention RIGHT now with today ALSO being the day I should be receiving the keys for a long term
Room for myself, a life long dream of mine, something my 14 year old self who attempted suicide because he thought he’d never reach that point would be so overjoyed with to experience.

I have multiple options and no, I’m not calling an ambulance, not after last time. I don’t care what you all say, sorry :/

But I could monitor my own heart rate and blood pressure, I have tools for that and dose with more stims if necessary, as IC-26 has a really long half life.

Or I could attempt to find and go to a location that gives out nalaxone, but that might take a while or might not even be accessible to me and my area, especially not in the state I’m in. At least not fully nodding off anymore but vision still keeps blurring and I keep kind of falling over. Fuck I’m a fucking junkie man. So much potential and this is what I do with my life but then I also can’t ignore the fact I’d be dead without drugs.

I’m going for first option and trying to have a ‘as normal as possible’ type of day, just, JUST at the tiniest chance that my family hasn’t noticed because there’s no one home and no ambulances or anything and I know my mom, she wouldn’t leave me by myself like this if she was sure I have hard drugs on me.

I hope one day I can unwire this absolute hellish mess of a brain. Ohh all the stories I could tell. Funny and sad what can I say

I won't be a hypocrite. And while I don't know much about your life or family situation, when it comes to the drugs, I'd say I've been there. With the slight difference maybe that I was in fact more fascinated by the addiction itself than the particular drug when I was your age. (Then again I'm aware of being a masochist.)
There's just one thing you shouldn't get stuck in mentally imo: The "drugs saved my life". - Even if they did, they're also going to take it away if you don't take care.
You caught a disease. That's what it is. And it's going to spread and take over your existence, no matter what strategy you use to fool yourself and others. Until you're ready to stop one day, whatever may be left of you then.
Not sure how much sense it makes to even write this... Maybe that slight hope you might jump off the train before even more harm is done. It's not getting easier once you tried every drug and roa there is...

 

[Sp4rky]

I won't be a hypocrite. And while I don't know much about your life or family situation, when it comes to the drugs, I'd say I've been there. With the slight difference maybe that I was in fact more fascinated by the addiction itself than the particular drug when I was your age. (Then again I'm aware of being a masochist.)
There's just one thing you shouldn't get stuck in mentally imo: The "drugs saved my life". - Even if they did, they're also going to take it away if you don't take care.

Not sure how you mean the difference of drug & addiction because for me it’s not a particular fascination with one drug or drugs specifically, but more with the fact that drugs as a type of addiction have been the most ‘efficient’ in the worst way at feeling on control again.

It’s been the same for me self harm and eating disorders, in those cases I never cared about the weight loss or the calorie numbers itself, etc…, just the sense that I fi d a comfort in those self destructive patterns. My brain loves routine, especially when it makes me forget how constantly out of control I’ve felt about everything. My emotions, my environment & family conditions I grew up in, body dysphoria, chronic illness and everything just spiraling into intense mood swings, self sabotage, whatever I could keep going, but I think we all have our shit like that and our own underlying reasons why we use and what type of addicts we become.

You caught a disease. That's what it is. And it's going to spread and take over your existence, no matter what strategy you use to fool yourself and others. Until you're ready to stop one day, whatever may be left of you then.

This view always kind of bothers me in the sense that yeah, it is true that drugs aren’t the solution, but sometimes they’re better than being dead, as in referring to suicide specifically.

Ofc that’s not an excuse, it’s not a good solution and it’s a false sense of control that chemicals give me. But not recognizing the underlying pain and only seeing the taking of the drugs as a bad thing hasn’t really worked with me for things like my eating disorder. Like yeah forcing me to gain the weight back in some clinic treats the acute physical symptoms, but my reasons for starving myself at the time were still there and untreated, unseen.

Not sure how much sense it makes to even write this... Maybe that slight hope you might jump off the train before even more harm is done. It's not getting easier once you tried every drug and roa there is...

Will agree with you on the ‘addiction as a disease’ part that at least for me during moods wings specifically, I’d almost be able to personify addiction as this figure taking the wheel wanting more, more, more.

That part absolutely is a disease and I know I’ve ‘regulated’ that part of myself before. But maybe not as much as I thought I had. Thought I had truly recovered from my eating disorder, but then moodswings happen and I can’t even remember what I recovered for in the first place and just ended up replacing it with drugs as at the time everyone around me had become vigilant of my eating disorder relapses so I sought control another way.

That I guess… I know it can get better, my best friend has been diagnosed with borderline and is currently in a really good treatment and her advice and her telling me what she has learned has really helped me too since I’m similar emotion and addiction wise, although she never got into treatment before escalating and getting access to drugs like I did.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

Not sure how you mean the difference of drug & addiction because for me it’s not a particular fascination with one drug or drugs specifically, but more with the fact that drugs as a type of addiction have been the most ‘efficient’ in the worst way at feeling on control again.

Addiction as the uncontrollable compulsion to consume is as much different from any drug as the car is from the driver. As in: Idgaf about your shiny car, who's driving it?
You seem to mix these two up here. It's not the addiction giving you control, it's the drug.
The addiction is controlling you. And that's exactly where my little sick(?) Phantasies came in for me. I was obsessed with it. Wondering whether a chemical could thus be more chaining than any guy on earth... Though that would degress...

It’s been the same for me self harm and eating disorders, in those cases I never cared about the weight loss or the calorie numbers itself, etc…, just the sense that I fi d a comfort in those self destructive patterns. My brain loves routine, especially when it makes me forget how constantly out of control I’ve felt about everything. My emotions, my environment & family conditions I grew up in, body dysphoria, chronic illness and everything just spiraling into intense mood swings, self sabotage, whatever I could keep going, but I think we all have our shit like that and our own underlying reasons why we use and what type of addicts we become.

Agreed

This view always kind of bothers me in the sense that yeah, it is true that drugs aren’t the solution, but sometimes they’re better than being dead, as in referring to suicide specifically.

Ofc that’s not an excuse, it’s not a good solution and it’s a false sense of control that chemicals give me. But not recognizing the underlying pain and only seeing the taking of the drugs as a bad thing hasn’t really worked with me for things like my eating disorder. Like yeah forcing me to gain the weight back in some clinic treats the acute physical symptoms, but my reasons for starving myself at the time were still there and untreated, unseen.

As they are still untreated and unseen now, and will remain that way until you take the drugs away again.
Cause as long as you're in active addiction, that new control fix of yours is gonna override any impulse to truly heal or work on your issues. It's opening up a maze of distractions that's going to keep you busy until you manage to escape. And the longer you've been walking that path, the harder it gets to find the way back/out. I vouch for that. It takes some sort of crash for a lot of people.
Ymmv but the question is really not whether you're going to stop or not. It's how much you want to lose before you do. And whether you're going to be dead or alive then. Simple as that.

Will agree with you on the ‘addiction as a disease’ part that at least for me during moods wings specifically, I’d almost be able to personify addiction as this figure taking the wheel wanting more, more, more.

That part absolutely is a disease and I know I’ve ‘regulated’ that part of myself before. But maybe not as much as I thought I had. Thought I had truly recovered from my eating disorder, but then moodswings happen and I can’t even remember what I recovered for in the first place and just ended up replacing it with drugs as at the time everyone around me had become vigilant of my eating disorder relapses so I sought control another way.

Got you.

That I guess… I know it can get better, my best friend has been diagnosed with borderline and is currently in a really good treatment and her advice and her telling me what she has learned has really helped me too since I’m similar emotion and addiction wise, although she never got into treatment before escalating and getting access to drugs like I did.

Not sure what's your conclusion from this. Drugs "helped" me for about half a year, returning some sort of happiness into a life that had turned into a nightmare of fights and loneliness. Made me more calm and "bearable" to those around me. How practical. Until they took their toll on me. Every day became a struggle on its own. How to keep myself functional, how to handle the inevitable WD, can I endure or embarrass myself more and get more again? Take enough but not too much... I learned a lot but greed got the better of me again and again. It became normal to fuck up... Though the pain of this reality doesn't die, no matter how deeply it gets burried.... It keeps piling up like the guilt that's increasing just as inevitably. I'm not the mother I would like to be. Not even close. My kids grow up and I'm never really there. I'm gonna carry that guilt to the grave.
Anyway. Welcome to hell.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

@Sp4rky : Sorry if I went a bit too far with the post before. You're not obliged to even believe a word I say ofc... How are things going for you? Did you get to move despite everything?

 

[Sp4rky]

@Sp4rky : Sorry if I went a bit too far with the post before. You're not obliged to even believe a word I say ofc... How are things going for you? Did you get to move despite everything?

Ohh no It’s okay, have just been busy as hell with uni and moving out. I’m currently doing decent, unpacking my stuff and rolling a J to smoke later.

It's not the addiction giving you control, it's the drug. The addiction is controlling you.

You mean as in a drug chemically or drug as in also referring to addictions like eating disorders? I’d agree the addiction is just a spiral making you go more out of control, while the ‘drug’ whether a chemical or any addiction filling some sort of hole, gives you back that illusion of control, even if for just a moment.

That’s what addiction is to me anyway.

As they are still untreated and unseen now, and will remain that way until you take the drugs away again.Cause as long as you're in active addiction, that new control fix of yours is gonna override any impulse to truly heal or work on your issues.

Definitely true, except that control fix is a constant desire I’ve felt since I can remember, essentially addiction to me, is self medicating in a self destructive way.

It’s where for me at least that ‘control fix’ can be in any little daily thing and in periods of abstaining from eating disordered or self harm behaviors and all substances, I’d drive myself crazy with over-perfectionism academically or self sabotaging relationships just to feel something, some kind of ‘buzz’

It takes some sort of crash for a lot of people.
Ymmv but the question is really not whether you're going to stop or not. It's how much you want to lose before you do. And whether you're going to be dead or alive then. Simple as that.

Hmm yeah, I’ve pretty much had that with every addiction so far. The hardest part is that it’s cyclical, forgetting the pain, at least for me in moodswings it’s like I just can’t access the fact that it did get messy and it did lead to fuckups. And then I do it all over again.

Not sure what's your conclusion from this. Drugs "helped" me for about half a year, returning some sort of happiness into a life that had turned into a nightmare of fights and loneliness. Made me more calm and "bearable" to those around me. How practical. Until they took their toll on me.

Honestly not sure what my conclusion is either. I guess just the fact that I’ve been through these cycles of addiction many times over and It’s a hard balance between knowing it will eventually spiral but also being more functional and not killing myself or driving myself insane at least in the first bit of a new addiction.

Honestly I just need fucking therapy for dealing with my constant need for control and the way life has always felt too intense for me. Call it borderline autism, ocd, C-pstd, adhd, whatever fucking label, I’ve stopped caring, I just need a way to manage the feeling that life has always felt too intense and that I’m just intrinsically not ‘meant to be here’ which in a way is true, because my body is chronically ill, etc… etc… but then I did happen to be born and be alive and now I have things to live for and sometimes I lowkey wish I hadn’t and could just kill myself in peace knowing I’d hurt nobody.

Never really was one particular set of events that put me into this addiction, it is me, the very core of my being and I think the ‘conclusion’ for me is that yeah, addiction is bad self medication and eventually stops working once it spirals out of control.

However in my situation completely abstaining from all that is addictive is unrealistic and best I can do right now is try and stay aware of my own patterns regarding my use and minimizing the risks of spiraling, trying to stay in the ‘functional’ zone as much as possible essentially.

Which I suppose is why we’re both here talking on this forum isn’t it?

Would be hypocritical not to admit I sometimes love the thrill of spiraling in itself or that I’m always perfectly adhering to my morals of harm reduction though. I do realize I’m a young, naive 19 year old who hasn’t seen and tried it all, there has to be some way even my fucked up being can at least semi-stably function in this shitty little world.

I'm gonna carry that guilt to the grave. Anyway. Welcome to hell.

I think we all have some guilt we’ll carry to the grave for sure. Idk if it makes you feel better but I grew up hating, absolutely despising my dad. But as I grew older I too started to understand his perspective. It’s his unwillingness to change that keeps me from contacting him now, but I think the very fact your talking about your guilt on here, is in itself telling that you want to, or at least wish you could be a better mom for your kids.

And maybe one day, no matter how much you may have hurt your kids, they’ll come to understand your perspective. Especially if they see you trying, like I’d reach out to my dad again even after all he did, if he was at least willing to admit the hurt he caused.

I guess the conclusion would be to not stop trying to reduce the hurt we cause to others and ourselves with our addictions and use. Harm reduction when complete abstinence isn’t an option.

Man this is rambly, going to shut up, smoke and finish unpacking my stuff. Tempted to do some 2-mmc but I’m sticking to weed, nicotine and caffeine until tomorrow’s rave. Feels weird having a long term place now, don’t know how I feel, just exhausted and trouble focussing on one task with all this unpacking stuff I guess.

Nice evening (or whatever time of day in your country) to all my fellow Bluelighters