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Mushoku_Sensei
Bluelighter
Felt like that for years as well... The next comment reminded me of being verbally abusive myself - terribly so at times especially with my partner. There are reasons for that but what I mean to say is: a lot of this is (becoming) a deeply ingrained habit. Sometimes fate grants me a bright moment like today after I burst out once again, when someone else said: yeah I noticed that as well but so what? I don't care... That was a bit of a wake up call making me realize those ever same thought patterns I use to perceive things through.. and the possibility to see/ react in a different way... Now this won't heal me or the relationship for the matter, but it's a small seed of change... It's gonna take a zillion reminders before I'm likely to truly change my ways, but it's good to see that the possibility exists...
@Ki3ly Thanks.. trying.
I'm right at the last of my patience though. And I'm running out of meds, running out of unemployment time, have been in debt for basically my entire life. I applied to a fuck ton of sales jobs and basically told them hi, I'm a psychopath, you need me to make you money, hit me up, because I'm tired of pussy-dicking around with other non-sales type employers who don't value all the shit I've done.
@Mushoku_Sensei - yes being able to see it and reflect is so so important. That's something I am grateful for.. that I know a lot about myself because of all my crazy experiences.
Sometimes I wish I didn't know, though.
Some times I wish I was happy as a pig in shit.
@maryanne77 - I wish I could give her that, it is so difficult when I can't even give that to myself. I can do a better job for sure, but at the moment nothing feels like it's worth the effort.
There are such simple things I could be doing to help myself, but I am so tired of going out of my way to have things that we all as humans should ALREADY HAVE. Healthcare, food, transportation.. like come the fuck on.
I'm right at the last of my patience though. And I'm running out of meds, running out of unemployment time, have been in debt for basically my entire life. I applied to a fuck ton of sales jobs and basically told them hi, I'm a psychopath, you need me to make you money, hit me up, because I'm tired of pussy-dicking around with other non-sales type employers who don't value all the shit I've done.
@Mushoku_Sensei - yes being able to see it and reflect is so so important. That's something I am grateful for.. that I know a lot about myself because of all my crazy experiences.
Sometimes I wish I didn't know, though.
Some times I wish I was happy as a pig in shit.
@maryanne77 - I wish I could give her that, it is so difficult when I can't even give that to myself. I can do a better job for sure, but at the moment nothing feels like it's worth the effort.
There are such simple things I could be doing to help myself, but I am so tired of going out of my way to have things that we all as humans should ALREADY HAVE. Healthcare, food, transportation.. like come the fuck on.
I'm so tired of having to convince people about myself, just to have basic things.
Meanwhile the things going on in my head are so.. much more significant than these petty issues.
But in ignoring the petty issues they become bigger issues.
Meanwhile the things going on in my head are so.. much more significant than these petty issues.
But in ignoring the petty issues they become bigger issues.
Entrepreneurs are the new Rock Stars.
Stress is a universal experience that does not exempt anyone,
acting as a marker of engagement in life rather than just a purely negative, avoidable event.
Stress is unavoidable for us All.
Thank you for being here.
So interesting to think about. Reminds me of a "cosmic test" conversation in another thread - not directly related but possibly. At the very least.. maybe I can flip it to be not-so- negative
Word.
ledbyher
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2026
- Messages
- 719
you’re not broken, you’re sensitive, and your job is to build routines that protect you 
.
tell the truth to safe adults, keep your world small when you’re overwhelmed, and choose one craft you practice daily. Also: sleep is your superpower,
guard it like treasure.
.tell the truth to safe adults, keep your world small when you’re overwhelmed, and choose one craft you practice daily. Also: sleep is your superpower,
guard it like treasure.
badfish45
Bluelight Crew
Hey all
im back, Im currently in the process of significantly reducing/quitting weed. Ive only used it twice in the past 3 weeks and am very proud of myself as Ive been a chronic user for quite some time now. Im worried its affecting my bipolar disorder and I was moving no where in life.
I recently cut back my abilify dose (per doctors orders) as it was causing me to be extremely numb and dull for quite some time. I want to reassess my baseline after not using weed for some time and see if I can stop abilify all together. Ive been working hard to socialize and gain new hobbies, simply put its not easy. Im hoping it will be worthwhile though, Id love to feel like I have a zest for life again.
Anyway I hope youre all well
im back, Im currently in the process of significantly reducing/quitting weed. Ive only used it twice in the past 3 weeks and am very proud of myself as Ive been a chronic user for quite some time now. Im worried its affecting my bipolar disorder and I was moving no where in life.
I recently cut back my abilify dose (per doctors orders) as it was causing me to be extremely numb and dull for quite some time. I want to reassess my baseline after not using weed for some time and see if I can stop abilify all together. Ive been working hard to socialize and gain new hobbies, simply put its not easy. Im hoping it will be worthwhile though, Id love to feel like I have a zest for life again.
Anyway I hope youre all well
maryanne77
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2024
- Messages
- 76
Did you have any withdrawals from the chronic use?
i have chronic pain and pot doesn’t really agree with me ,however I started microdosing to hopefully get use to it where it would help with pain but not mess with my head so much. I noticed I can take a little bit more than I use to . I have friends though that spend every spare dollar at dispensaries because it does work for pain and I see the tolerance go way up .a good friend of mine seems very irritated if she misses even a day. Which makes me afraid to get hooked on pot. Is that thing?
i have chronic pain and pot doesn’t really agree with me ,however I started microdosing to hopefully get use to it where it would help with pain but not mess with my head so much. I noticed I can take a little bit more than I use to . I have friends though that spend every spare dollar at dispensaries because it does work for pain and I see the tolerance go way up .a good friend of mine seems very irritated if she misses even a day. Which makes me afraid to get hooked on pot. Is that thing?
badfish45
Bluelight Crew
It is a thing for sure. I actually had very few symptoms this time because I took a high strength CBD oil and tapered down first. normally I cant sleep, cant eat, nightsweats, etc. But this time I had a brief stint of depression and some irritability, but almost no cravings. My appetite and sleep were great.
But yeah make no mistake theres a withdrawal. Obviously not on par with harder substances but even so Ive heard former opiate addicts say weed was the worst one to quit. It can be a very prolonged process and the insomnia can make it quite unbearable. Luckily Ive been sleeping just fine. With the strength of todays weed, I wouldnt recommend heavy daily use unless you have medicinal reasons to do so and even then it can be a sketchy thing.
BK38
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2009
- Messages
- 16,531
So, my one friend here in my little town has checked himself into the Psych ward. He is definitely crazy paranoid and stuff. He has developed a serious phenibut addiction and I feel really guilty because he started on it when he saw me dosing some and he wanted to try it.
I warned him about it and potential consequences and he just went crazy with the stuff - one day he took fucking 12 grams! I'm sad and really angry with myself.
Ultimately it's him making the decisions, but I feel a sense of responsibility. I should have just said "no" when he wanted to try it.
I warned him about it and potential consequences and he just went crazy with the stuff - one day he took fucking 12 grams! I'm sad and really angry with myself.
Ultimately it's him making the decisions, but I feel a sense of responsibility. I should have just said "no" when he wanted to try it.
badfish45
Bluelight Crew
I dont think you're responsible. We ultimately cant predict these things and if you knew itd turn out this way im sure you would have chosen differentlySo, my one friend here in my little town has checked himself into the Psych ward. He is definitely crazy paranoid and stuff. He has developed a serious phenibut addiction and I feel really guilty because he started on it when he saw me dosing some and he wanted to try it.
I warned him about it and potential consequences and he just went crazy with the stuff - one day he took fucking 12 grams! I'm sad and really angry with myself.
Ultimately it's him making the decisions, but I feel a sense of responsibility. I should have just said "no" when he wanted to try it.
badfish45
Bluelight Crew
Hope you're all having an awesome day! im 10 days off cigs, 4 off of vaping and have been in control of my cannabis use for over a month now. I dont crave it anymore and Ive been out living my life, seeing friends, dating and just being overall more balanced. It feels good to say all of that, I was in such a dark hole for so long and Im starting to feel human again
Sp4rky
Bluelighter
well my worst fear came true. Roommate searched my room, my found my shit and notified the police and my mom who is now standing outside with the police sobbing her eyes out.
Took fuck knows how much O-DSMT and benzos, enough to not give a fuck anymore
Waiting for them to break down my door then off to rehab, prison, psych ward or the morgue.
Bittersweet how I was doing fucking better. Hell, I came home sober and in a good mood and then my entire world, all I’ve worked for comes crashing down. I almost made it out. I miss my friends.
A part of me hopes I OD and die but a part of me is scared my bestfriend in particular would try to follow me into death. I just feel sad about having had a brief taste of freedom and hope, only to have it violently ripped away. Would have a concert of my all-time favorite band tomorrow too and my birthday in 2 weeks which would have been the first birthday I could actually fucking breath.
Guess I don’t deserve it or this world is just plain cruel. Suprised I can still type. Starting to feel real fucked up now though
Honestly feel pathetic posting this here. Just feel so fucking lonely and lost. What a sad fucking way for things to go right when I finally started seeing hope. I hate this cruel world
Took fuck knows how much O-DSMT and benzos, enough to not give a fuck anymore
Waiting for them to break down my door then off to rehab, prison, psych ward or the morgue.
Bittersweet how I was doing fucking better. Hell, I came home sober and in a good mood and then my entire world, all I’ve worked for comes crashing down. I almost made it out. I miss my friends.
A part of me hopes I OD and die but a part of me is scared my bestfriend in particular would try to follow me into death. I just feel sad about having had a brief taste of freedom and hope, only to have it violently ripped away. Would have a concert of my all-time favorite band tomorrow too and my birthday in 2 weeks which would have been the first birthday I could actually fucking breath.
Guess I don’t deserve it or this world is just plain cruel. Suprised I can still type. Starting to feel real fucked up now though
Honestly feel pathetic posting this here. Just feel so fucking lonely and lost. What a sad fucking way for things to go right when I finally started seeing hope. I hate this cruel world
Please don’t loose hope. I can’t understand why a roommate would do this. I’m sending a prayer your way if you want it.
Mushoku_Sensei
Bluelighter
Sp4rky
Bluelighter
I’m okay, or alive I guess.. honestly I have no clue what is happening anymore.Oh dear!Please give a life sign when you're able to..
Had a dentist appointment planned this morning, sitting in the waiting room right now. There was no police outside anymore, but there was a blood trail starting at the room next to mine, which is the room of a guy who I’ve heard is addicted to coke.
My guess is that maybe all the police and talk about drug use yesterday was about him and not me and that I may have been having auditory hallucinations due to extreme lack of sleep lately.
I’m very confused right now, it’s been 12+ hours since I took the shit but I’m really, like really fucking high right now
Mushoku_Sensei
Bluelighter
Well, looks like you're going to be able to see your fav. Band after all - glad you're okay!
