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Cocaine doing coke alone

^^^^^

Hopefully you can just look back at it as a Binge someday. Just a timestamp.

If not, you will be in Trouble.

Be careful. Seriously, do be careful. Very.


<3
 
Not to mention that you can be ..... investing in Gold. 🤍


.... It is a Gamble.


You will be fine. Hoping for the Best !! ❤️‍🔥
 
My problem is I absolutely Love coke. I don't think I'm ready to stop. I want to stop but only to keep my family happy.
 
Ki3ly said:
or better yet Jail.


You gotta Stop. Not Today. But You will ....


have to. <3
Click to expand...
Someone told me yesterday I'm just delaying the inevitable because I will stop at some point. I've hired a private Psychotherapist who specialises in drug addiction. He seems very good at his job, he had a coke addiction for 13 years v
 
Hehe. I gotta run right now. Like really run.

So I hope your day is Safe and keep us informed and updated.

Let us all know ... You Can to Do this Too. 😎😎😎 ( the Not the blow thing )


<3


K
 
Well, I'm still on the coke session that I started at some point in the week I can't remember what day I started it to be honest. Hardly eaten in days, hardly slept. On the plus side I feel amazing. I won't feel like that whenever this session ends though. Well, I've promised myself that Monday is the day I try and stop again it's pointless me trying tomorrow it just won't happen over the weekend. I've discovered that Tiktok lives are great when doing coke alone. My mate popped round earlier and tbh I couldn't wait for him to go so I could carry on. If I'd of shared I would of never got rid of him and this stuff isn't cheap. I pay 100 a gram, I can get it cheaper but I'd rather pay the extra for top quality straight off a kg block. My dealer is loving me this week. So much for him cutting me down.

I Think I'll just have less tomorrow to soften the blow for Monday morning, plus I've got diazepam to help soften the blow. No pun intended. I really do want to stop I just don't know when to put it down once I start, I'm greedy.
 
danosaurous22 said:
Another thing about this is certain people just don't trust others, and this is one of the biggest factors in addicts. Some people rely on others to get through their life, they need the people around them to make them feel good and if the people around them are making them feel bad then they will just not stop trying to solve that problem. They trust people and think goodness is something everybody can attain and everybody deserves, so the addict in their life becomes a missing piece of their puzzle that they just have to find and make everything okay again. I think addicts have been hurt, and have seen the ugliness of the world, and have decided that this world is messed up and unfair and some of its puzzles will just never be solved and just don't care about being a living example of that idea for the more naive people of the world. I worry about people in my life, but I don't see things in that much of a moralistic way as I've gone through my 20s. It seems like nobody knows what the fuck they're doing and even happy people and normal people are participating in this big game where we pretend that we're part of something productive and good, and when you try to call it out and start to see that it's all just manipulation they get mad and don't want you to burst their bubble lest they confront the big meaningless mess we're in. I think drugs are the ultimate way to drop out of the game if you choose to see it as a total farce, and that's how I happen to see it lately. It feels disrespectful when they want you to play the game because they're unable to see why certain types of people are fed up with it and got a raw deal. When I'm deep in it it feels like the braver thing is to isolate myself and have a strike from reality, and feel emotions that are just inside my brain, not dependent on the mess we've all been forced into. Seems cowardly from the outside, but some people have just had enough and would rather disappoint the people they care about than pretend to care about a meaningless cruel and manipulative civilization. I just can't for the life of me see this world as a good thing, it is all about pleasing yourself by manipulating others, or if you're not as ambitious or cruel or perceptive, being manipulated and pleasing others. Neither way feels particularly noble, neither does living in a drugged out fantasy world where you don't care about your part in the world. But it's yours alone, and you don't need to engage with humanity to get the chemicals your brain is designed to crave. Feels like cheating which is kind of enticing if you don't like the game you're playing or feel you're above it. Drugged up rant over, thanks for considering this big ass wall of text. I still try to make the people around me happy, I'm a people pleaser through and through and try to bring laughs and happiness and helpfulness to everybody at work and in my life. But for whatever reason I draw a hard line when it comes to them wanting me to be happy myself for their own happiness. I can't help but think that insisting somebody think a certain way, even if it's to save their life or out of genuine concern, is just a way of them ignoring that suffering really is the bigger half of the human experience, like life is so good that everybody should love it and if they want out then they just don't understand it as well as they do.
Click to expand...
really nice words dud
 
I believe my only way of becoming free from this is viewing it as the prison it is. When I was a teenager, I used to pay homeless people to buy beer for me. Weirdly enough, it worked every time. They never stole the money, I tipped them, and the deal was good.

I smoked too, and asked someone to buy me cigarettes too. He told me, in the midst of whatever haze he was in, "I can't buy you cigarettes. I was a slave to cigarettes for 40 years."

I was very confused, because alcohol enslaves you too. But it doesn't enslave you in the same way coke or cigarettes do. The alcohol blots out your mind and the day you had, and basically numbs you. You're slave to alcohol if you're an alcoholic, sure. But you are not waiting hand and foot on the next dose, it is kind of a slow roll into a deep sleep.

Coke and cigarettes enslave you in a much more inhibiting way, IMO. You are so in love with the feeling that you will get your brain moving at top speed to score more. You will quite literally slave away in order to get your fix, be it selling possessions, driving across the state, in my case, staying upper six hours straight just because that's only when my dealer could be free. Fantasizing about it the whole time. Recently I scored a lot after a week break, and started rationing it like I always wanted to. What I found was total misery. I would be at work, doing fine, then go do a bit and suddenly nothing around me matters. I don't get talkative on coke, I get quiet and irritable and can't stop thinking about re-dosing. As bad as the cravings are after a few days off, they are nothing like the cravings I get when I know it is available to me whenever I want. Those cravings turn me into an emotionless robot who will do anything, sell anything, skip work, steal money, etc. just to get the next fix. And my tolerance is so high at that point that I am not getting the euphoria anymore. It's like itching a wound at that point, and I am a slave until the stash is out.

Probably 1000 times at this point (a bit of an exaggeration, but it truly is getting close to that if I keep going) I have told myself after a brief period of sobriety (only 1-2 weeks at most) I will just do one dose a day and suddenly a 40 dollar bag will ostensibly last me a week. Every single time I believe that wholeheartedly, and every single time, regardless of oversleeping and missing work risking my livelihood, being unable to perform as a bandmember, unable to hang out with my best friends, acting sketchy around family who are worried about me-- throwing all of that away, intentionally, and eventually dosing over and over again until I am a paranoid mess no matter where I am. I could be in the most comfortable room in the world, and once I'm beginning to chase that first rush 30 minutes of amazing pleasure transform into minimum of 4 hours of mental torment, hallucinations, intense anxiety, delusions, etc. I throw everything away every time, and actually intentionally forget about that once I'm sober. That is pure insanity. That's the advice I have. Don't torture yourself the majority of your life to enjoy a small fraction of it in a way that is ultimately confusing and dirty feeling. I will come back to it, and again and again and again, but dying for this would be one of the saddest outcomes for a human I can imagine. The only truly enjoyable dose is your first of the day. Everything after that is hemmoraging money and brain power and your social status. You are throwing it away because you cannot comprehend how something can cause you pleasure and subsequently cause you misery. It's a lie that we choose to believe because that first rush is so good. I can't figure it out either, but when I'm sober and remember how bad it gets this keeps me sober. I will post a long and detailed thread if I ever manage to limit my usage to one dose a day, like I always tell myself. You will never see that post.
 
Ultimately, I mean to say it's exhausting. Alcohol will slowly kill you and make you make horrible mistakes. But cocaine will require you to use all of your brainpower available constantly in order to support your habit. I believe this is a big part of why cokeheads look so tired and empty. They have nothing left to give to themselves or the world, they have given it all to this drug. To the point where there is nothing left to light up inside their brain, they have lost the plot and are no longer getting high or feeling anything at all, about anything. By the time you are scraping the bottom of your barrel, you have become a husk of a human being. Not retarded, like a drunk, or loopy like a different type of drug addict, you are 100% spent and your brain has been hijacked by something that, even though it isn't doing anything, you are obsessed with. It's not like anything else, you aren't doing it for the pleasure and you aren't getting a single good thing from it. You got hijacked by a diabolical thing and you don't have the energy to fight it anymore. It is so fucking sad.
 
Coincidentally my coke addiction coincided with a toxic relationship. It's almost identical to dating an insane manipulate girl. You are so hung up on how she made you feel once or twice that you are exhausting yourself to be with her, and all the while she is treating you worse and worse and the time you spend together is filled with fighting and takedowns that make you question your worth. Every so often she will make you feel good, but it is just to punish you afterwards. And keep you crawling back. It's nauseating.
 
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