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Positive Share Something Positive About Your Day vs This Does Not Suck (͠≖ ͜ʖ͠≖)?

stocked up bird seed today.. we have been having quite to cold snap and the birds are hungry.. had like 50 Morning Doves in the yard yesterday.. my morning dove migrated early fall.. i don’t who all these vagrants are.. but i had like 60 birds feeding all at once today blue jays, morning doves, a pileated woodpecker and i don’t even know what else.

Gyms going good.. should get back to strong soon.
 
Having been awake for 2 and a half days again or whatever and using 5 different downers and not getting any sleep, I said fuck it and bought more crack.. Yeah.. I'm disappointed with myself, but I also told myself and the guy who's my dealer that this was the last time for a long while and that I'm gonna try to get into rehab this Wednesday. Fucking nice kid, he told me; "do what you gotta do, get healthy man, you're a good guy, I trust you more than all those fucking real junkies".. He even gave me a fucking hug, wtf, maybe because he saw the tears in my eyes when he asked how I was doing and knows a little of what I've been struggling with; he knows what it's like to have a family member go through psychosis, but that was actually kinda heartwarming. Actual human contact.

I also managed to clean some stuff that piled up throughout the last couple of months again in my room. Only managed a couple hours of it, but I've cleared a path and the couch again. It's amazing what kinda piles of garbage you're able to produce if you leave a bunch of refurbished laptops, pc's, empty bottles, plastic baggies and other assorted crap everywhere, oh and hair, lmao. Feels like I'm losing more lately in my stress, probably am, it's long hair as well, so it looks like a fucking lot pretty fast, lol. Mix that with cat hairs after 2 months of not vacuuming and your room starts not only growing dustbunnies, but fucking hair tumbleweeds.

Those are some of the positives of this day that doesn't seem to want to end again. Definitely don't want to forget to mention the people that try to talk positively to me, take me seriously, it means a lot. Still feels like I'm bothering them though, I've been fucking losing it, so I can only thank them for their patience and understanding. ❤️
 
today so far i did 2 hrs work for my parents, now i ineed an old soul to help me buy weed...

injected insulin for the first time in over a week....

this is the signs i'm making forward progress
 
note to self: don't buy uniform upgrades or anythihg else pricey if ur going to smoke both meth and weed in the same paycheck 0.o
 
Blowmonkey said:
Having been awake for 2 and a half days again or whatever and using 5 different downers and not getting any sleep, I said fuck it and bought more crack.. Yeah.. I'm disappointed with myself, but I also told myself and the guy who's my dealer that this was the last time for a long while and that I'm gonna try to get into rehab this Wednesday. Fucking nice kid, he told me; "do what you gotta do, get healthy man, you're a good guy, I trust you more than all those fucking real junkies".. He even gave me a fucking hug, wtf, maybe because he saw the tears in my eyes when he asked how I was doing and knows a little of what I've been struggling with; he knows what it's like to have a family member go through psychosis, but that was actually kinda heartwarming. Actual human contact.

I also managed to clean some stuff that piled up throughout the last couple of months again in my room. Only managed a couple hours of it, but I've cleared a path and the couch again. It's amazing what kinda piles of garbage you're able to produce if you leave a bunch of refurbished laptops, pc's, empty bottles, plastic baggies and other assorted crap everywhere, oh and hair, lmao. Feels like I'm losing more lately in my stress, probably am, it's long hair as well, so it looks like a fucking lot pretty fast, lol. Mix that with cat hairs after 2 months of not vacuuming and your room starts not only growing dustbunnies, but fucking hair tumbleweeds.

Those are some of the positives of this day that doesn't seem to want to end again. Definitely don't want to forget to mention the people that try to talk positively to me, take me seriously, it means a lot. Still feels like I'm bothering them though, I've been fucking losing it, so I can only thank them for their patience and understanding. ❤️
Click to expand...


Potential is not a threat. Potential is safe. Potential is just words floating in the air. While progress is dangerous. Progress means you are actually doing it.
Progress means you might actually succeed and someone might not be able to handle that reality.

They were fine when it was just a dream. But now that it is real. Now that you are actually going to move forward it seems too ominous to relate.
It might be a reminder of what someone is not doing and shows in its own lack of progress.

Real friends stay hyped through every single stage. They celebrate the idea and the action by reaching out on that level. They check on your progress constantly.
They want updates. They feel invested in your journey.

Where someone else may only want to celebrate the version of you that stays stuck in the planning phase. They want you to stay in the idea stage forever
because that keeps you at that level.

The moment you start executing. The moment you start building. The moment you start becoming. Someone might step back and disappear. If someone goes silent the moment you start taking real action. That is not a support at all. That is not connecting as a friendship. It is a disguise hiding behind encouragement.

Someone that just wanted you to dream forever. They just never wanted you to do.

Real friends brag about you to other people. They want everyone to know how great you are. They will literally interrupt conversations to say you should see what my friend
just accomplished. Or let me tell you about this incredible person I know. Real friends won't try to hide your greatness.

Be careful where it benefits you 0%. Where there is no boost for you or does not open doors. Or never does endorse you where it really matters.


Real friends sit back with genuine smiles for you when you are getting attention that you earned. They feel proud of you. They feel happy for you
They might even add to a praise. They do not feel threatened or diminished by your moment of success and efforts.
They do not resent every moment you that Shine !! The attention that you are receiving is not stolen from them at all. Real ones do not hide smiles.
Pretend to be a support. Or disguise a friendship.

Be very careful with that connecting where it benefits you that 0%. Don't do that damage to your peace and what is most important, that is your potential. Protect your energy.

Be selective and smart with your trust. And about who you let close to you. Be aware of the patterns and behaviors that reveal true intentions. Because your
real supporters will feel completely different. They will celebrate you publicly and privately. They will understand your feelings and will sit comfortably with your
success without feeling threatened or diminished by your growth. Please keep going. Follow your heart and dreams going forward with health and strength more than ever. Shine on now.


And. Oh the Drama. ;);)

💟
 
Ki3ly said:
Someone that just wanted you to dream forever. They just never wanted you to do.
Click to expand...
It wasn't like that, I never wanted this to stay a dream, she didn't either, she pushed harder for this to happen before she started withdrawing.. We both have mental issues, to use some of the social media terms I'm bombarded with lately; fearful avoidant and anxious attached, both switching back and forth between the other. She didn't want me to disappear, you know yourself I've done this in the past, I almost never feel like I'm ever going to be enough, that's avoidant.. She wanted reassurance, just wanted simple questions answered, being able to talk about everything together, work it all out together, she wanted to assure me I could change my behaviours because I've got more power than I realized, that she saw in me.. She wanted me to learn to like myself, but she didn't like herself back then either. I did though, she couldn't do any wrong, she felt broken and damaged, all I saw was someone amazingly strong, beautiful, someone I was genuinely proud of, falling in love with. Apparently I woke her up after feeling dead for years, made her feel alive again. same with me, we were kinda just existing. She wanted me to stop saying "I don't know if I can".. But sometimes I really didn't know, it wasn't me realizing it would never be anything more than a dream, but that everything would simply be more difficult than I thought. I stayed throughout all of it though, you know how much I wanted this to happen? 😭

Ki3ly said:
Pretend to be a support. Or disguise a friendship.

Be very careful with that connecting where it benefits you that 0%. Don't do that damage to your peace and what is most important, that is your potential. Protect your energy.

Be selective and smart with your trust. And about who you let close to you. Be aware of the patterns and behaviors that reveal true intentions. Because your
real supporters will feel completely different. They will celebrate you publicly and privately. They will understand your feelings and will sit comfortably with your
success without feeling threatened or diminished by your growth. Please keep going. Follow your heart and dreams going forward with health and strength more than ever. Shine
Click to expand...
I think she feels more like this about me than I do about her.. She'd be right to. I wasn't growing anymore because of what was happening. She felt increasingly frustrated that I did not take everything seriously anymore. I betrayed her trust in her opinion by painting her as crazy, she only betrayed mine after that, which I get, how could she ever love a guy like that anyways..? I Couldn't deliver the same energy or openness anymore I had in the beginning, I couldn't smile much anymore when her success was mostly deciphering delusions, proving it was happening. It was fucking devastating, I let her down, she felt diminished, belittled, she didn't believe in me anymore, in my intentions, my love.. I still cannot blame her, it's not her fault, she never deserved my shit, and she certainly never deserved all the shit that happened in her past, it's just something permanently stuck with her.

I have been following my heart, fuck I still am.. My heart is still dreaming of her, dreaming to make it real. You want me to keep on going with that? Because I still can't stop it from feeling that way despite being broken. I wish I could shine again, in whatever way, but right now I'm just trying to dig myself out of this hole.
 
Lifted weights and also got a refill on my testosterone. Due to the vial technic ally expiring 28 days after opening i get alot more testosterone then im prescribed. I went and upped my dose to 200mg's a week now so hopefully i will see some more results with that. When i started lifting weights i was doing 30lbs dumbbell curls. Now im doing 180lbs barbell curls
 
Blowmonkey said:
I have been following my heart, fuck I still am.. My heart is still dreaming of her, dreaming to make it real. You want me to keep on going with that? Because I still can't stop it from feeling that way despite being broken. I wish I could shine again, in whatever way, but right now I'm just trying to dig myself out of this hole.
Click to expand...

Progress means you are actually doing it.
Progress means you might actually succeed and someone might not be able to handle that reality.
( Both )


" I'm sorry " It's so sad. I have to learn to not apologize for something that is not my responsibility. I know that I am being over-zealously ridiculous.

It is a challenge being positive. I feel really sad that you are going through such a really intense challenge. You made it this far. Do meet someone

beautiful like you. You're always so amazing .... well not perfect. So work on that.


I will keep you Both in my prayers for Protection. 🙏🕊️
 
Blowmonkey said:
lmao 😄😘 no one is perfect or will ever be, certainly not me, but I can hopefully strive to be better.. hopefully? fuck no, I need to be.
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Societies standards of perfect are stupid. And everyone has their own unique attributes. And we all share a lot in common already.

So fuck it
 
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