4 days sober is good. Don't give up. Don't beat yourself up for using either. It's not easy.
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Cocaine doing coke alone
- Thread starter frogluvr
- Start date
jessepinkman779
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Well,that's my 4 days clean down the toilet. I only ordered a gram but I've still got to start at day one again tomorrow. To be fair even if there's a 4 day gap in between having coke that's a massive improvement. And it's 1 gram not 3.5 or 7. However, it is scary how I feel more like myself after just 3 lines. So the addict in me has won today, but I'll win for the next 4 days at least maybe I'll try 5 days off it and keep extending the gap in-between using. I'm trying not to beat myself up.
jessepinkman779
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Thank you. I've had some but only a gram. I'll try going 5 days between using starting tomorrow. That's a massive reduction.
jessepinkman779
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For me coke is exactly like trying to stop smoking cigarettes the cravings are exactly the same intensity wise.
Nicotine took me the longest to quit. With coke though there isn't really a noticable rock bottom. It just gets deeper.. not to be dramatic but it's true in my experience. It only started to get better with more days sober / more attempts at sobriety
jessepinkman779
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Thank you. I'll start again in the morning. I was doing fine,then I just randomly thought 'coke' I'm a very impulsive person though. But, if I do another 4 or 5 days I'm still improving massively. My family won't see it that way though and I understand why they won't. I'm not to be trusted at the moment. Because I say I'm done with it and I mean it, but then I just do it anyway. I've only had a gram and I have had 4 days off so I'm not going to beat myself up. I told some people I've been chatting to in NA and they said it's normal to use whilst trying to stop on the early days,but I've got to put bigger gaps in between my usage. One phoned me and begged me not to use it.
I'm improving though. It was only last week I was thinking about IV coke. Now I've done 4 days off it and joined NA meetings via Zoom. 3 meetings a day I'm doing. It is helping,but like I say I'm very impulsive. Do you guys think all addicts are very impulsive? I was at the bottom of my staircase earlier thinking I'll never use again. By the time I got to the top I was preparing to message my dealer. Of course when I ordered a gram he said why don't you have a baller, but I felt guilty and shameful just having the gram.
I'm sorry for all my ramblings. And thank you all so much for sharing your stories and giving advice. When I wake up in the morning I'll start again and see how long I can go without it this time. Saying that I think the weekend will be hard cravings wise. I've seen through my dealers bullshit were friends shit. If he cares he wouldn't of supplied me with coke when I was vulnerable and he knew I was. He said earlier you'll be on the phone to me tomorrow night so I'll see you when I drop your order. If I do want some tomorrow I feel like using a different dealer, but they all get it off my dealer then bash it/step on it so I may as well stick to my dealer.
In 2024 when my usage went from casual to through the roof my dad passed away and my mom wS diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I didn't take either of those situations well and that's when I started hammering the coke. I just wanted to crush the emotions because they were too much to face and coke worked, but I became a full blown addict and lost done family and friends in the process. My dealer knew I was vulnerable. But,to be fair to him he said you'd only get it of someone else who had bashed it so you may as well have clean coke off me.still,he claims to be a friend too.i wouldn't sell an Oz a week of coke to a friend who was going through so much. Ix try and guide them and be there for them. Anyway, I just thought I'd let you know I've finally seen through my dealer. I think he secretly dislikes me because he never,ever sells grams and 8ths it's a minimum order of 4 5 Oz to everyone. He only sells small weight to me, and to be fair it's very clean, no blocked nose it's fresh as I've ever known coke to be. And he looks after me price wise. But, he's also told other local dealers if they sell to me he'll stop dealing with them. I don't know if he's done that to help me or to make me dependent on him. I can just go to the next town and get it don't get me wrong, but it's not as clean as this. Maybe I'm other thinking. I just think if my dealer really was the friend I grew up with he wouldn't of let me get in this mess. I take responsibility for my own actions, I'm just saying I now know my dealer isn't my friend at all. I just don't understand why he sells to me my custom isn't worth his time even when I was having an Oz a week it's not worth his time. So if really love to know why he does it. Perhaps I upset him when we were kids. Perhaps he really doesn't want me using bashed/stepped on coke, perhaps he really does want to look out for me. But I highly doubt that. Why sell small weight unabashed just to one person who's a friend. And why sell that person and Oz a week when they're clearly vulnerable. Perhaps I'll just ask him straight up. I've spent a fortune with him, Thousands and thousands..tens of thousands to be fair. I haven't kept count but it's easily 30k probably more over the last couple of years. But that nothing to him he probably makes more than that a week. Frei d or foe I need to cut him out of my life for now.
Yeah honestly you are doing really well recently and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
That dealer situation is difficult but common. Here is my experience:
There was this guy whose street name was "Ace". He knew I wasn't big into crack, id always ask for powder and he said he didn't have it (which is dumb because he cooked the hard himself). One day he fronted me a 20 and I smoked it, it was hands down the best shit I had ever smoked. And guess what, in the thousands I spent with him after that free hit, Never had anything as good.
And i'm not sure about opening up to your dealer / asking his intentions. It's really rare to find someone who actually has your best interest. Sure he may do things that seem special, but I cant count how many times I've heard a non-weed drug dealer tell me something that made me feel like they were doing me a favor. A lot of times they would though, like give me a line of credit, pick me up in obscure locations in their car, pick up their phone at any hour, give me some type of deal because of their supply situation, give me labor work for a bag - but you are the most important part of this equation, and your attitude is excellent, so if I were you I'd try to minimize contact with anyone who isn't in NA or who isn't fully supportive of you. Especially at this stage in recovery.
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KurtAurelius
Bluelighter
I find eventually we have to face the cravings.
It’s horrible especially when you feel shit and low, the only answer to me is to make your neurochemistry as optimal as possible in the meantime to then do the next stage of the mental readjustment etc,
Not meaning to be patronising but we all know what that means, exercise diet and sleep.
But honestly make it a priority, no matter how hard it may seem break it down and make it as simple as possible for your situation
Eg
I will walk 5km a day
I will eat three meals prioritising whole foods
I will go to bed at a reasonable time and aim for 7 hours sleep.
I will do - whatever I plan to do as a pursuit instead of cocaine
Then there’s the issues with the imbalance coming of Cocaine, mainly dopamine, norepinephrine which are very key to alertness and focus motivation la de da as we know..
You can take some supplements to give a boost, or ask the doctor for medication. No attempts to play doctor here I’d just suggest Agmatine and Theanine+ Mag Threonate, these are all soothing and have proposed mechanisms in reaching a better state of homeostasis in the brain when coming off.
If your discountiation symptoms are severe or if perhaps the cocaine was masking a prior issue then worth talking to a doctor about.
Once you’ve taken care of the practical side it boils down to the same thing, it will come back and your not fighting it,s just a choice.
The mind will create vast scenarios and ways of articulating your struggle and these are all valid but it’s a lot of the time the justification to make the choice, to get a bit of relief and to have the thrill of the chase again.
It’s not a fight if you can understand why you don’t want to use cocaine and the trouble it brings, and you don’t want to mask it with temporary relief.
It’s not a moral failing to have these thoughts or to come to these conclusions, the world is a tough place without needing anyone to announce that.
Things however do pass, cravings feelings etc all do. Things are transient, the things that go through my head pass everytime I go to bed at night, they may revisit but as I’ve gotten older they still change nonetheless and my ability to react to them is a constant in the sea of the change. I forget and get distracted time and time again, but I come back to realise it comes down to facing this or avoiding it.
I don’t like framing it as one is better than the other, we all can do what we like, and honestly I play both games as I get bored either way.
Idk, I am likely just in a more well off cycle at the moment, but this is the conclusion I’ve come to, is that you ultimately own the choices you make, and the relief you seek is yours to make. Nothing wrong with that.
My opinion is really different to many, and shouldn’t be taken as advice, but cocaine is just a shit drug to use. All drugs come with their inevitable down sides but cocaine just seems bogus to me. Not to put you down at all, as it has its charms or allures, or to be demeaning. It’s addictive for a reason obviously.
Cocaine offers a window that can theoretically be used but it’s hard to utilise it without it becoming a cycle aside from its dirty pharmacology and physical wear and tear.
It makes doing normal things boring and trivial because of what it provides.
Going without will suck hard but these are transient neurochemical issues, and there are many paths to take. You can make yourself feel better and taper, or swap lower level things to get to a clean point.
If you have a medical issue, and can be prescribed stimulants, you could explore that. They are all markedly safer than cocaine and much superior. I’d understand if this is taken as just swap it out bro, but it’s a practical measure if all else fails.
Otherwise using stimulants recreationally has a gap. You get what you can, and you play that risky game. Most obviously can’t.
You can and will feel better, the cravings can be met and reduced and not argued, reasoned or outsmarted, instead met like another sound in the wind.
We are all in control if we breathe deep enough and take stock. It’s harder alot of the time for sure especially in turmoil.
But coming off anything imo is facing the craving, readjusting the body and mind.
It’s just another neuroadaption in a sense but not to invalidate your experience or struggle.
But idk what I’m on about really.
It’s horrible especially when you feel shit and low, the only answer to me is to make your neurochemistry as optimal as possible in the meantime to then do the next stage of the mental readjustment etc,
Not meaning to be patronising but we all know what that means, exercise diet and sleep.
But honestly make it a priority, no matter how hard it may seem break it down and make it as simple as possible for your situation
Eg
I will walk 5km a day
I will eat three meals prioritising whole foods
I will go to bed at a reasonable time and aim for 7 hours sleep.
I will do - whatever I plan to do as a pursuit instead of cocaine
Then there’s the issues with the imbalance coming of Cocaine, mainly dopamine, norepinephrine which are very key to alertness and focus motivation la de da as we know..
You can take some supplements to give a boost, or ask the doctor for medication. No attempts to play doctor here I’d just suggest Agmatine and Theanine+ Mag Threonate, these are all soothing and have proposed mechanisms in reaching a better state of homeostasis in the brain when coming off.
If your discountiation symptoms are severe or if perhaps the cocaine was masking a prior issue then worth talking to a doctor about.
Once you’ve taken care of the practical side it boils down to the same thing, it will come back and your not fighting it,s just a choice.
The mind will create vast scenarios and ways of articulating your struggle and these are all valid but it’s a lot of the time the justification to make the choice, to get a bit of relief and to have the thrill of the chase again.
It’s not a fight if you can understand why you don’t want to use cocaine and the trouble it brings, and you don’t want to mask it with temporary relief.
It’s not a moral failing to have these thoughts or to come to these conclusions, the world is a tough place without needing anyone to announce that.
Things however do pass, cravings feelings etc all do. Things are transient, the things that go through my head pass everytime I go to bed at night, they may revisit but as I’ve gotten older they still change nonetheless and my ability to react to them is a constant in the sea of the change. I forget and get distracted time and time again, but I come back to realise it comes down to facing this or avoiding it.
I don’t like framing it as one is better than the other, we all can do what we like, and honestly I play both games as I get bored either way.
Idk, I am likely just in a more well off cycle at the moment, but this is the conclusion I’ve come to, is that you ultimately own the choices you make, and the relief you seek is yours to make. Nothing wrong with that.
My opinion is really different to many, and shouldn’t be taken as advice, but cocaine is just a shit drug to use. All drugs come with their inevitable down sides but cocaine just seems bogus to me. Not to put you down at all, as it has its charms or allures, or to be demeaning. It’s addictive for a reason obviously.
Cocaine offers a window that can theoretically be used but it’s hard to utilise it without it becoming a cycle aside from its dirty pharmacology and physical wear and tear.
It makes doing normal things boring and trivial because of what it provides.
Going without will suck hard but these are transient neurochemical issues, and there are many paths to take. You can make yourself feel better and taper, or swap lower level things to get to a clean point.
If you have a medical issue, and can be prescribed stimulants, you could explore that. They are all markedly safer than cocaine and much superior. I’d understand if this is taken as just swap it out bro, but it’s a practical measure if all else fails.
Otherwise using stimulants recreationally has a gap. You get what you can, and you play that risky game. Most obviously can’t.
You can and will feel better, the cravings can be met and reduced and not argued, reasoned or outsmarted, instead met like another sound in the wind.
We are all in control if we breathe deep enough and take stock. It’s harder alot of the time for sure especially in turmoil.
But coming off anything imo is facing the craving, readjusting the body and mind.
It’s just another neuroadaption in a sense but not to invalidate your experience or struggle.
But idk what I’m on about really.
jessepinkman779
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- Aug 26, 2014
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Thank you for the great reply. I've had some tonight as well. And my dealer has got new stuff coming in tomorrow so he wants me to try it so I'll be on it tomorrow too. But then I'm doing 5 days off it. My dealer is giving me a gram to try it for him and I'll buy another gram. It's being cut straight off the kg block so I'm expecting fire coke. It's always fire off him but he said the new one is supposed to be next level. He's buying it and then getting me to try it. This flake he's got at the moment it's strong and very clean so it will take some beating.
However, after tomorrow I'm doing 5 days off it. That's a massive reduction isn't it. I used to do half gram lines now I'm buying a gram or 2 and making it last the night until about 1am. Then I take my diazepam and wait an hour then try and sleep. My family are still in my back. I've told them how much I've cut down, but they said you're still doing it. My best mate said he's proud of me which was nice to hear. I'm excited to try the new stuff he's getting tomorrow. I try it and he asks me how much he should charge for it. The flake I told him £10 a point 100 a gram and people couldn't get enough once they tried it. But he sells 4.5 Oz minimum. He only sells small amounts to me. And he doesn't charge me that much. I'm a bit worried he's buying before I try it but it's a risk that will probably work out. He suggested I start selling it in smaller amounts to pay for my habit, but I'm not interested in doing that I'd be back on an Oz a week in no time. I think he wants me on it and involved in moving it so he's got me trapped. I'd have to have 4 and half Oz then move it in smaller amounts. I'm not remotely interested in that. I don't want to go to jail or get my door kicked off and get robbed.
Anyway, Sunday I start my 5 days off it. I'm happy with that. Sorry for rambling on I'm high absolutely flying I am. I feel amazing. If the new stuff is better I'm in for a treat tomorrow because this flake is next level. I wasn't going to have any tomorrow but now I know it's new stuff and he wants me to try it I'm excited. I'm not happy with him buying it blind meaning without me trying it first but he trusts his source. We're talking s lot of money. When I try it no matter how good it is I'm going to phone him and tell him it's shit, then phone him and hour later and tell him the truth. Let him panic for an hour.
Thank you very much for your reply and your kind words.
Hey. how is it going the beginning of the 5 day streak today?
Hope you started it and hope you accomplish these 5 days off soon. You did 4 days recently and that's awesome. Is 4 days the most you ever did?
Just wanted to share my use of coke these past few days.
I had a relapse at about 3AM feb 1st after 1 year off, and then snorted for 3 nights in a row, stopped for one, then snorted other two nights. Fortunately I could stop it without much struggle (at least for now). Last time I snorted was februray 5th. So 3 days off.
I'm very depressed and I'm off work due to psychiatric reasons, I live with my mom. At the same time, I got few money saved and sneaking out of the house at night multiple times to buy it are very good reasons for me to feel terribly regretful and try stopping it. I love her very much and I know she would be destroyed if knew I was using it and hiding from her. But I can't deny I felt great while high (like, great in a way that I haven't since the last time I did coke lmfao). And I'm not proud of it, but I also did stimfapping, as I have some sort of compulsion with porn.
I spent about 120 BRL (that would be about 23 USD, but believe me, 120 is a lot of money here in Brazil, and even worse to spend it just in a few days and with a so short-lasting reward drug. I could buy about 4.5g of very decent cannabis with that money, which would last me 2 weeks+). Anyway, I'm back to using only cannabis and I hope it keeps going like that.
I'm at a very low point of my life, depression stops me from keeping working, might be fired soon and won't also have the strength to get another job. So not spending money is a good motivator in my case, as I don't know if I will be here for a long time due to my illness, and I gotta leave as much money as I can for my mother.
Note: Just so you know, I was never really addicted to coke. I snorted about 20 times in a ~3 weeks time window 1 year ago, during that time I remember feeling that an addiction was already developing and (again, due to money reasons) I could bring myself to stop using. And then I had this relapse on feb 1st recently.
So that's why it hasn't been so hard to stay off it (but it's definitely harder than for a regular person, as my depression is pretty fucked as I said).
I know in your case it must be infinitely harder.
Anyway, wishing you a lot of strength and you can do it.
Hope you started it and hope you accomplish these 5 days off soon. You did 4 days recently and that's awesome. Is 4 days the most you ever did?
Just wanted to share my use of coke these past few days.
I had a relapse at about 3AM feb 1st after 1 year off, and then snorted for 3 nights in a row, stopped for one, then snorted other two nights. Fortunately I could stop it without much struggle (at least for now). Last time I snorted was februray 5th. So 3 days off.
I'm very depressed and I'm off work due to psychiatric reasons, I live with my mom. At the same time, I got few money saved and sneaking out of the house at night multiple times to buy it are very good reasons for me to feel terribly regretful and try stopping it. I love her very much and I know she would be destroyed if knew I was using it and hiding from her. But I can't deny I felt great while high (like, great in a way that I haven't since the last time I did coke lmfao). And I'm not proud of it, but I also did stimfapping, as I have some sort of compulsion with porn.
I spent about 120 BRL (that would be about 23 USD, but believe me, 120 is a lot of money here in Brazil, and even worse to spend it just in a few days and with a so short-lasting reward drug. I could buy about 4.5g of very decent cannabis with that money, which would last me 2 weeks+). Anyway, I'm back to using only cannabis and I hope it keeps going like that.
I'm at a very low point of my life, depression stops me from keeping working, might be fired soon and won't also have the strength to get another job. So not spending money is a good motivator in my case, as I don't know if I will be here for a long time due to my illness, and I gotta leave as much money as I can for my mother.
Note: Just so you know, I was never really addicted to coke. I snorted about 20 times in a ~3 weeks time window 1 year ago, during that time I remember feeling that an addiction was already developing and (again, due to money reasons) I could bring myself to stop using. And then I had this relapse on feb 1st recently.
So that's why it hasn't been so hard to stay off it (but it's definitely harder than for a regular person, as my depression is pretty fucked as I said).
I know in your case it must be infinitely harder.
Anyway, wishing you a lot of strength and you can do it.
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jessepinkman779
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Thank you for such a deep reply I genuinely appreciate it.
jessepinkman779
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I'm sorry to hear you relapsed and I'm sorry to hear about your mom I hope she gets better soon.
I relapsed on Day 5-6. I'm 2 days clean again. It's the weekends I find difficult to stay off it. Like you I feel great when I do it, but I feel terrible afterwards with guilt. I'm craving it right now but I'm not ordering any. Thank you for your reply. And all the very best to you and your mom.
jessepinkman779
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Well! I haven't used coke since Saturday, but I'm craving it badly today. I'm not sure I'll be able to fight the cravings today I'll try, but if I do use I'll keep it to a gram, 2 max.
So far so good.
I'm wondering, what are your reasons for wanting to quit?
Like deep reasons beyond finances. Or is the good feeling you get making all of your reasons seem insignificant?
KurtAurelius
Bluelighter
Any time off is still a win, even if you go use today just try sit with the craving feeling for 5 mins, or even just a minute.
Don’t argue or reason or indulge observe what is happening, it’s not about beating it, just see what happens to your body and mind, when you breathe instead of talk with it if that makes sense.
That's an interesting way to put it. Sort of like not forcing an emotional opinion but trying to notice the seed though that guides it?
KurtAurelius
Bluelighter
That’s exactly it, emotions grow impulses I’ve found. Not detaching from your emotions but instead observing them can allow you to see the source.
This is only my experience, but I believe that many of us who are here on BL grow up with no proper nurture and care, and those around us now don’t understand how to provide that to people who haven’t had it properly so the usual doesn’t work.
We then don’t know what we need either from community, and gravitate to chemical nurture instead as it provides more certainty then making yourself “vulnerable”
(^ a generalisation though so bear in mind, no shoe fits all)
Emotional Brain or some shit is more survival brain and thus leads to our impulses to seek that protection from our environment..
Again, not fact just my bro science, and the summary of what I can discern from using mindfulness in regards to life circumstances and drug taking
jessepinkman779
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I had 2 gram yesterday. To be honest I don't really want to stop completely I'd he happy if I could just have 2 gram once per week. I'm only trying to stop for my family and friends. I've cut down massively, but I'm aware my usage could go back up.
jessepinkman779
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That's a good way to look at it. I did 5 days off last week and 4 days off this time. I did have 2 grams yesterday but that's a massive reduction for me. Thank you for your reply.
@jessepinkman779 - hey, so if you're not ready you're not ready - that's an honest assessment.
Please do remember this, though: You can do this (recovering from drug abuse). But the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be.
And that isn't anything against your willpower, that's simply a fact on cocaine abuse. This drug does not discriminate. And even if we have strong willpower now, continued use will chip away at that.
The drug is sexy (and she knows it). The drug's goal is to sink you deeper. Don't let it win.. be vigilant.. and when you're ready to give her up, focus all of your attention on recovery, no excuses whatsoever.
Cool?
Please do remember this, though: You can do this (recovering from drug abuse). But the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be.
And that isn't anything against your willpower, that's simply a fact on cocaine abuse. This drug does not discriminate. And even if we have strong willpower now, continued use will chip away at that.
The drug is sexy (and she knows it). The drug's goal is to sink you deeper. Don't let it win.. be vigilant.. and when you're ready to give her up, focus all of your attention on recovery, no excuses whatsoever.
Cool?