Blowmonkey
Bluelight Crew
My heart just keeps beating out of control, so I took a plethora of benzo's and some benadryl, taking small sips of wine, but still can't stop the restlessness, can't stop overthinking, it's just not stopping, nothing can take my mind off of it for long. I'm trying breathing techniques, trying to calm myself down, hell, even meditation is back on the menu, but no luck, just makes my heart beat faster. That thing is fucking aching, as if someone's squeezing it again, stabbing it, I think it's trying to tell me something. Maybe get some rest or whatever?
How to ever detach yourself from an attachment like this? That time heals all wounds is a lie, distance and silence is just more of the same, it doesn't work for moments like this, it doesn't work when the impact on your psyche has had such a big impact. It's almost as if I'm actively sabotaging myself to not let go, to not move on, but I think it's more that I'm not even able to atm, still not.. I'm actually afraid I just can't the way this ended, that I will always hold onto this. And not as something I've learned any valuable lessons from, but rather as something traumatic that I won't be able to recover from as quick as she did, which is impressive btw, she's like a bouncy ball. But I really need more clarity, she deserves more clarity as well, we both deserve a better ending, a better relationship, whether romantic, friendly, frenemies, whatever, it beats being regarded as nothing by someone you care about. It's not like I was going to chase a woman who's already been in another relationship for months, I'm not intending to sway her mind anymore about reconsidering getting back together when she seems so happy. Clearly this is over, that has been answered, it brought a lot of clarity, but would actually telling me have killed her?
Even though we're both overthinkers, she jumps to conclusions more than I do and settles on it when it fits her ongoing narrative. We both have tunnelvision when we get like this, but we can both do so much more with clear and concise answers instead of eternal silence and having to guess at a multitude of scenario's I can only partly piece together with such scarce information. Some of the things she told me scared me even, it was just an announcement I couldn't do anything with but worry endlessly about. It made me panic even more, I still have no idea what exactly she meant when she informed me in passing about something I was so desperately trying to prevent last year. I already had day long anxiety attacks trying to knock myself out in our 2 day long back and forth final messaging stint where I basically went from heaven to hell, but you should've seen me when I quit that high dose ct and got blocked a week later and spazzed out like Michael J Fox.
Relativity of simultaneity isn't lost on me, but to have such drastically different experiences while we both went through the same thing needs to be discussed about more considering the implications for the both of us. I'm simply not in agreement with her version of events when I've considered far more possibilities than the one she briefly offered and have a little more evidence to back it all up. It's not like I documented all this evidence with the intention to blackmail her, she asked me to download and keep all of it safe, because it was her evidence, not mine. The only reason she refuses to look at it or have someone look at it is because it would mean I was right. Why is it so important for me to make sense out of it all when some things are already clearly obvious? Isn't the whole way this all went enough to have closure? And the answer is a simple yes in most cases, but not in mine, not when I still feel so much for her. I'm waiting for answers that I'm sure to never get, not even the ones I'd like to hear her say, but the ones that I wouldn't like. The answers she wouldn't like would only help her.
I just know this isn't how we should've gone about it, that all discussion ended when she thought she found clarity, that for me this is still not even close to closure. I cannot fucking stand myself, it's not like I want to be like this, I want to be able to let her go, but I can't still can't even find a reason not to love her, to blame her for anything other than believing more in her own reality than she ever did in mine, or me.. And while I can understand not wanting to speak to me, because she feels like she closed this chapter a long time ago, that I deserve none of her time and energy anymore since it has been wasted so much already on me, that she does not want to look back and only move forward, but it's not emotionally healthy to treat people like this either.. We both treated each other like absolute shit in the end, but if she truly was at peace with her decisions, she should just be able to explain herself more, have an actual discussion. She could've simply told me she found someone else a month before I even was able to contact her again. Ignoring me, leaving me in confusion, not properly explaining herself, not even acknowledging my feelings but erasing them, deleting me out of her life like I never existed, it's punishment, it's trying to regain back control over her life while trampling on mine. It's self-preservation, it's convenience, it's not wanting to entertain alternate realities when the one she believes in is built on false assumptions rooted in her trauma, it's fiction..
I need to sleep but I can't again. I need to sleep this off for at least a day or two, see a doctor this week and hope I can get a referral to finally get locked up in solitary confinement asap. I want a heavy duty bankvault kinda door with a little slide they shove food through. I need paper bedsheets so it'll sound nice and crinkly when I try to masturbate myself to sleep. I want a straightjacket and nurses that hold me down while they jab me with heavy tranqs. Hopefully no male nurses though, that'd be a bummer. I'd have to get naked, grease myself up in butter and get rowdy if that'd be the case. If the doctor suggest 12 step programs first, I'm going to hold her hostage with the aids needles she discards in her trashcan until she shares all the good medications with me. I'm definitely going to be more assertive with her this time around, set clear boundaries and adhere to them this time, I will communicate this in a loud an threatening manner so there can be no misunderstandings. Fuck the medical system, fuck psychiatry, fuck all these rehab programs scamming people out of their money, fuck the clinics handing out people absurd dosages of suboxone and calling it normal. She never needed 24 fucking mg's, fuck those idiots that put her on it when it's effective in the microgram range. Fucking 200-600mcg will take care of OCD symptoms even, higher doses sustained for such a long time only set people back instead of keeping them "clean"..
The shit that has and kept happening to her fucking killed me, now the shit in my own head is killing me. Holy shit I just can't take it anymore, she went through this for years, I'm fucking proud of her, one of the strongest women I know, I can't even take a year of this.. This is my karma, to have to build myself from the ground up, it's going to put me in the ground if I don't. I'm never going to make it, never was going to, shit was all a dream. I don't believe in myself anymore. You're right, I can't be changed. I hope you don't ever repeat the cycle, please don't ever let yourself go like that anymore, it killed me inside knowing you were going through it.. Killed everything I had left, I am not getting better, you made me feel like I would, then with what you were going through, it broke me, it broke me completely..
I miss her too much, I love her too much.. It's all too much. I can't deal with this any longer, I'm through. I'm sorry, sorry for everything.
How to ever detach yourself from an attachment like this? That time heals all wounds is a lie, distance and silence is just more of the same, it doesn't work for moments like this, it doesn't work when the impact on your psyche has had such a big impact. It's almost as if I'm actively sabotaging myself to not let go, to not move on, but I think it's more that I'm not even able to atm, still not.. I'm actually afraid I just can't the way this ended, that I will always hold onto this. And not as something I've learned any valuable lessons from, but rather as something traumatic that I won't be able to recover from as quick as she did, which is impressive btw, she's like a bouncy ball. But I really need more clarity, she deserves more clarity as well, we both deserve a better ending, a better relationship, whether romantic, friendly, frenemies, whatever, it beats being regarded as nothing by someone you care about. It's not like I was going to chase a woman who's already been in another relationship for months, I'm not intending to sway her mind anymore about reconsidering getting back together when she seems so happy. Clearly this is over, that has been answered, it brought a lot of clarity, but would actually telling me have killed her?
Even though we're both overthinkers, she jumps to conclusions more than I do and settles on it when it fits her ongoing narrative. We both have tunnelvision when we get like this, but we can both do so much more with clear and concise answers instead of eternal silence and having to guess at a multitude of scenario's I can only partly piece together with such scarce information. Some of the things she told me scared me even, it was just an announcement I couldn't do anything with but worry endlessly about. It made me panic even more, I still have no idea what exactly she meant when she informed me in passing about something I was so desperately trying to prevent last year. I already had day long anxiety attacks trying to knock myself out in our 2 day long back and forth final messaging stint where I basically went from heaven to hell, but you should've seen me when I quit that high dose ct and got blocked a week later and spazzed out like Michael J Fox.
Relativity of simultaneity isn't lost on me, but to have such drastically different experiences while we both went through the same thing needs to be discussed about more considering the implications for the both of us. I'm simply not in agreement with her version of events when I've considered far more possibilities than the one she briefly offered and have a little more evidence to back it all up. It's not like I documented all this evidence with the intention to blackmail her, she asked me to download and keep all of it safe, because it was her evidence, not mine. The only reason she refuses to look at it or have someone look at it is because it would mean I was right. Why is it so important for me to make sense out of it all when some things are already clearly obvious? Isn't the whole way this all went enough to have closure? And the answer is a simple yes in most cases, but not in mine, not when I still feel so much for her. I'm waiting for answers that I'm sure to never get, not even the ones I'd like to hear her say, but the ones that I wouldn't like. The answers she wouldn't like would only help her.
I just know this isn't how we should've gone about it, that all discussion ended when she thought she found clarity, that for me this is still not even close to closure. I cannot fucking stand myself, it's not like I want to be like this, I want to be able to let her go, but I can't still can't even find a reason not to love her, to blame her for anything other than believing more in her own reality than she ever did in mine, or me.. And while I can understand not wanting to speak to me, because she feels like she closed this chapter a long time ago, that I deserve none of her time and energy anymore since it has been wasted so much already on me, that she does not want to look back and only move forward, but it's not emotionally healthy to treat people like this either.. We both treated each other like absolute shit in the end, but if she truly was at peace with her decisions, she should just be able to explain herself more, have an actual discussion. She could've simply told me she found someone else a month before I even was able to contact her again. Ignoring me, leaving me in confusion, not properly explaining herself, not even acknowledging my feelings but erasing them, deleting me out of her life like I never existed, it's punishment, it's trying to regain back control over her life while trampling on mine. It's self-preservation, it's convenience, it's not wanting to entertain alternate realities when the one she believes in is built on false assumptions rooted in her trauma, it's fiction..
I need to sleep but I can't again. I need to sleep this off for at least a day or two, see a doctor this week and hope I can get a referral to finally get locked up in solitary confinement asap. I want a heavy duty bankvault kinda door with a little slide they shove food through. I need paper bedsheets so it'll sound nice and crinkly when I try to masturbate myself to sleep. I want a straightjacket and nurses that hold me down while they jab me with heavy tranqs. Hopefully no male nurses though, that'd be a bummer. I'd have to get naked, grease myself up in butter and get rowdy if that'd be the case. If the doctor suggest 12 step programs first, I'm going to hold her hostage with the aids needles she discards in her trashcan until she shares all the good medications with me. I'm definitely going to be more assertive with her this time around, set clear boundaries and adhere to them this time, I will communicate this in a loud an threatening manner so there can be no misunderstandings. Fuck the medical system, fuck psychiatry, fuck all these rehab programs scamming people out of their money, fuck the clinics handing out people absurd dosages of suboxone and calling it normal. She never needed 24 fucking mg's, fuck those idiots that put her on it when it's effective in the microgram range. Fucking 200-600mcg will take care of OCD symptoms even, higher doses sustained for such a long time only set people back instead of keeping them "clean"..
The shit that has and kept happening to her fucking killed me, now the shit in my own head is killing me. Holy shit I just can't take it anymore, she went through this for years, I'm fucking proud of her, one of the strongest women I know, I can't even take a year of this.. This is my karma, to have to build myself from the ground up, it's going to put me in the ground if I don't. I'm never going to make it, never was going to, shit was all a dream. I don't believe in myself anymore. You're right, I can't be changed. I hope you don't ever repeat the cycle, please don't ever let yourself go like that anymore, it killed me inside knowing you were going through it.. Killed everything I had left, I am not getting better, you made me feel like I would, then with what you were going through, it broke me, it broke me completely..
I miss her too much, I love her too much.. It's all too much. I can't deal with this any longer, I'm through. I'm sorry, sorry for everything.
Can you do couples therapy on your own? 
Lmao, no, you're right, I'm intending to do just that. Last time I was this stuck I refused help when I was sent to 12 steps and the psychiatrist, their peptalk and suggestions only made me more determined to avoid them. But I'm out of options here, I've got an appointment with my doctor in 7 hours and hopefully can get a referral without any delays. Therapy is absolutely going to be a necessity, CBT has been proven to work, I'm just not sure how long I need to wait for this to actually happen. Mental health care here is kinda under pressure and last time I attempted I already felt more like a number and a customer than a patient, or even human, so yeah.. It might take half a year even in the worst case scenario, I'd be lucky to get help within 2 months, kinda need it now, the sooner the better.
All of you who replied and tried to help, fucking thank you.. 
It really means a lot..
I mentioned I smoked some joints again to be able to sleep, should've just kept my mouth shut. Same 12 step program place they sent me to 6 years ago. So add like 6 weeks minimum before I'm considered sober enough and can get a psych evaluation, before I can get any kind of treatment besides the cliches lined up waiting for me at rehab, I'm looking forward to this mental torture that's supposed to make me regain my selfworth and teach me discipline, only 12 simple steps, how difficult could it be? I did all the writing shit down already, they're gonna force me to make amends with everyone again while I've been doing that shit for months already? Tell me to think about myself and shit?
She never took the agmatine I got for her either, hoped it would not only help alleviate some of the wd's, but also the paranoid delusions.. I think she threw out fucking everything I sent her though, fucking sucks, it's not even about the money, I tried to buy stuff that would really help her, that could actually make a difference. Doesn't feel good, what if, you know..? Fucking past haunting me, I'm gonna try some more kratom and take a small dose of benzos, I kinda want rest, rest from myself. I want to sleep, so fucking bad.