I came to Nam
And I went back
So the last couple of weeks I became addicted to crack
I've finally hit rock bottom
The above shitty poem is dedicated to myself, inspired on me reconnecting with my ex gf from my teenage years.
That was a costly mistake, I mean literally, she's got a coke habit..
I've paid off the debts she had 2 years ago, which weren't that much comparatively, she recently switched from insufflation to smoking though, so the costs have increased dramatically..
I forgave her for fucking my nephew a couple years back I think the moment I actually finally fell in love with someone again and only my current love mattered.
Maybe I forgave her before that even, I forgave both of them actually, we're all human, I can understand being lonely and seeking companionship, I understand lust, understand convenience.
But they both knew I wouldn't like it, I didn't know myself yet how many problems I would have with it though, it opened up a wound I thought I kinda dealt with in years prior.
I never really dealt with that other wound completely though, I had accepted parts of it, but apparently it shaped me more than I'd like to admit, or admit, more than I thought
I made this thread 6 and a half years ago to seek for advice about how to tend to that wound, learning new coping mechanisms instead of running away from everyone taking drugs to sedate myself and try and make me forget, because
A big part of my disorders got formed in early childhood and puberty, I think avoidance got reinforced when one of the few girls I fell in love with started messing around with nearly everyone I knew, including my family, it's the girl I made this thread about, it's why I always have my guard up and don't let people into my life
And to have this happen again so many years later with the first girl I fell in love with, the girl I grew up with and have known for 40 years, that I lost my virginity to, it made me relive a lot of those feelings I could never really deal with in all the previous years I was alive
All I needed was someone that knows me a little to talk to, I always could talk to her about anything
So I spoke to her about the woman that I fell in love with
And in the end her answers were the same everyone else gave me
It's not a good idea to pursue it anymore, you tried your hardest, she would destroy you, she hates you, just forget about it
I can't, it already destroyed me, but not because she's with me, but because she's not
Because I never even got that far, for someone to have had such an effect on me without ever truly making true what we promised one another is
She means the world to me, she found me, I found her, she was exactly the person I needed at the time I needed her
One of the most amazing, witty, smart, kind, beautiful and caring women I've ever known
Someone who immediately felt right to me, will always feel that way for as long as I'm alive
I knew we were both broken already, I didn't care
I looked past the past and told her my own, my vision of our future, just a couple of words, but I meant what I said
Marry me, I want to grow old with you, I want to have kids with you, start a family, be together forever
And then reality hits, or the fantasy turns way too dark and depressive, instead of dreams we got nightmares
I was literally riding high in April, shot down in May
I thought I could handle it, but I thought wrong
You have every right to have given up on me, on us, I can't force you to do anything
But the reasons you gave me I think ruined me so hard, you know yourself it's not true
I do love you, that's the thing, I don't think I've ever loved someone as much as I love you
I've tried looking for different answers in different places
But everyone keeps telling me the same thing
Just like you I think I don't give a fuck what anyone tells me anymore, we both think that we know we're right
I think I've stopped caring about their opinion as much because I know it's impossible for me to feel any different about you
I know what I feel for you, I know how much I care, I know I can be better, I know because this feels like I'm at the bottom, again
How much further can I go I wonder?
It was rock bottom apparently
I'm empty, there's nothing left in me, the only thing that remains is my love for you
I still wake up waiting for your call, I go to sleep when I can, which still comes whenever
I went days without sleep with only nicotine as a drug, but the mental anguish is always there
My depression had never been this strong before
So instead of just sponsoring my ex gf her coke habit, I joined in on the fun
First couple of weeks it was fine, could walk away any minute and not have cravings
Stupid decisions come all at once sometimes
So now that my bankcard including code had been left at her house, I became aware of my predicament
She keeps talking to me about karma, I'm wondering if this is mine
I probably deserve all of it, I deserve nothing
I feel empty, incredibly empty, in more ways than one
I don't feel right, honestly don't
I gave up weed after 25 years, sober for 3 months
I gave up benzo's after picking back up when she left, I did high doses in the 4 months we didn't speak, way too high
I just wanted to sleep last week, so I took some again, I smoked a joint again, I dropped benzo's a couple days in a row to just get to sleep
I took a dose so high that it scared me when it hit me all at once, thought it was too much and I would not be able to wake up again, so I fought the sleep for an hour until I was calmer
Woke up a day later, still exhausted and not feeling right
Will I ever feel right again?
Your last reply I think killed something inside of me, that's not what it was at all
Why can't we just talk?
Why can't we be friends?
Why does everything have to be so final with you?
You know I'm right about what you went through, you know I'm just looking out for you, I've always tried to help you
I hate what my message might've done, the implications and consequences, for both you and me
I know what it has done for me, but I'm not sure about you, I'm scared to find out, but I want to know
I will always love you, that's not going to change, ever
I've tried leaving you alone, tried to forget you, I've tried but I can't
You mean too much to me, I'm worried to death, I wish I could make everything right again
I tried the same thing you did, try and get rid of the feelings I have for you
It didn't work, it only made things worse for me, I feel incredibly guilty
Feel like it was all my fault we never happened, it mainly was because of me now, wasn't it?
Please just talk to me, I'm not asking for much
I don't think you've ever treated someone who means best for you like this, someone who loves you so much..
I'm not trying to ruin you, with every passing day it feels like you're trying to ruin me though
To make me feel as much pain as it did for you having to deal with me
I'm sorry I made you feel unwanted, you weren't, you're the person I wanted the most, still want the most, my heart won't let you go, my mind can't stop thinking about you
I think it hurt me more, way more, I'm not trying to win this race, I'm just telling you how losing you made me feel
The goalposts were always real, don't pretend like none of it was, all of it was, it was all real, it still is for me, that dream lives on forever
It was always going to be difficult, but I wanted to overcome everything, together
But you decided I was the cause of your anxiety, your pain, your traumas
I wasn't, I'm not, it was what you were going through, what we were going through, it was too much, we both couldn't handle it..
Please help me figure this out for me, for us, I hope you can summon up some of those feelings you had for me and be the person you always were
Someone so empathetic that you want to help a friend in need whenever and wherever you can
A friend with weed is better?
You were wrong about your assumptions about me, it hurts so much knowing that you will never really know the depths of my love for you now, that I will never be able to show it, to share it with you, it's a hurt that will stay with me forever..
I didn't feel relief when you stopped calling, I felt horrible dread, I missed you, wasn't able to contact you anymore, it drove me mad I wasn't able to, I didn't know what to do..
The last place I expected you to be you were already at for months, if I knew I would've been there to speak to you sooner, but I didn't know, I didn't..
In all those months all I could do was sedate myself, I had no time to deal with these feelings, but you did, I'm sorry I wasn't able to be there for you in that time, I wish I was, but I also wasn't sure if I was what you wanted, what you needed..
I wish things would've gone differently, in my life, but especially the last year and a half, wish it would've gone differently with us
I so want you to be happy, but that only works if I'm happy too
Just talking to you would make me happy, it would bring me some relief
I still want you in my life, in whatever way possible
I don't care what it takes, I'm willing to do whatever, if you need time, just let me know somehow
I'm sorry, sorry for everything
I will always love you, you will always be more than a friend to me
I wrote that months ago. Open letter to the woman I fell in love with. I've written so much more, entire pages full of better stuff, also significantly worse shit, but I never sent her the above back then.. Used some parts of it in my messages to her, like the shitty crack poem, lmao.. But it's no use anyways, everything I send her doesn't get read, I'm blocked, being ignored, I don't matter anymore, my version of events is meaningless to her, I am.
I'm still stuck, so fucking stuck, I just needed to put that somewhere else, I don't want to bother her anymore really, but I keep on doing just that. I still have so many questions I need answered that no one else can answer for me.
I made this thread once out of pure despair, thinking I would never find love again, because of who I am, because of all my flaws, because of both mental and physical problems, because of my past, because of my lack of a promising future, because I feel worthless, am useless, because I'm a failure..
I never really expected to ever experience that feeling again, to let myself feel it again anyways, I think I was scared of it as well, because it means so much.. It means everything.. Love is one of the most powerful feelings you can have, to me only love really is worth living for, without love life is meaningless, in my opinion anyways.
But it means opening yourself up and being vulnerable, it means potentially getting hurt if it doesn't work out, it means it could be unrequited, it could mean I would lose everything..
I did find it again though, after decades I finally found that same feeling I had when I was 16, that same feeling I had for the girl I broke down so hard over in this thread, only more intense, more real, more meaningful, it wasn't unrequited this time.. This time she was the one who contacted me first and showed interest, she felt like she made the right choice by reaching out to me when I was going through a rough time. I did too, I think she still has no idea how much she helped me by just being there for me, how much that meant to me, how much she means to me..
I trusted her immediately, because some people just feel right, they feel more real than other people, she was one of the real ones, she recognized my struggle, I recognized hers.. I poured my heart out to her right away, and she took away nearly all of my pain, my worries, just by listening, being understanding, by comforting me, telling me it was going to be alright.. She said she was so glad she reached out to me when she did, I felt like I found my soulmate, I found love again.. At the end of the summer in '24, when she found me, and I found her.. I genuinely haven't been so in love with someone, since forever actually, meeting her felt like coming home, like it was meant to be.. It made me forget my pain, the past didn't matter anymore, only our future did.
The decision to really meet means she had to stop taking suboxone since you can't easily have your subscription filled over here without getting approval in court and all kinds of other legal hoops.. That started it all, the beginning of the end, the end of a beginning that was never going to take place anymore.. Suddenly she was reliving her traumas, I knew she had ptsd already, she told me what happened, I felt her pain when she shared it with me.. I understood her pain, wanted to save her from ever having to go through something like that again, because I know exactly what it's like to be hurt by the people you're in or have been in a relationship with. I know what it's like when you blame yourself for the problems you went through, when you're depressed so bad you retreat from society, keep yourself away from your friends and family, when you don't want to burden them with your problems, you don't want to drag them down with you. When you think that you cannot change yourself for the better, when you see no future, lose all hope, it seems neverending, it's an almost unsurmountable task to ever climb out of the hole you've created for yourself. You just want to sink into the ground, crawl into bed and sleep, sleep it all away, like I'm doing currently again..
Whether it's purely post-traumatic stress disorder, I don't know, doubt it, because the moment she started tapering the suboxone she was having persecutory delusions which were taking over our whole lives,. All these disorders and mental problems overlap anyways, but I thought it's more likely a form of schizophrenia, even evidence to the contrary will not sway her opinions, deep disconfirmatory evidence bias. She made me save so many pictures which were supposed to be evidence, but they're completely normal things, none of it proves anything other than her unraveling and that's why she refuses to have someone else look at them. It would confirm my side of the story, that she never was under attack from anyone, no one was messing with her, no one was following or spying on her, it was all just her adhering significance to normal things coloured by her ptsd and trauma, it all made sense in her mind. I tried to offer rational and more logical explanations to what was happening, but she only became more suspicious of my intentions, thinking that me asking guidance from one of her friends was me cheating on her for example.. When she found out I wasn't cheating after having to show the private chat I had with that friend to her, but was only discussing her losing the plot and asking for advice on what to do, it felt like betrayal to her, as if I had someone to shit talk her with when I was only worried to death about her..
It made her even more determined to prove that everything was happening, I think that's when she really began emotionally detaching herself from me already, she only stuck around hoping it would change, that I would change.. That I would initiate contact more instead of her being the one to nearly always reach out, hoping that I would take her problems seriously instead of telling her it wasn't likely, but I did take it seriously, I don't think anyone has ever taken her version of events more seriously than I have.. I dedicated my life to her, I was building my future around her, I was looking for ways to make her feel better every day, when I wasn't talking to her on the phone for hours I was learning, looking up articles, watching videos, browsing and buying products, things that could possibly help her out with whatever she was going through.. Only my tone changed at times, my frustration grew when nothing I tried seemed to help, she felt like I was the one driving her crazy now instead of the month long withdrawals adding to her paranoia, anxiety, insomnia, etc. And I guess I was.. I made her feel like she was unwanted when she was going through such a difficult time, I wasn't able to be supportive, I wasn't able to support her.. But she never was unwanted, I never stopped loving her, I just couldn't make her feel that way again..
It all went to shit, all because she thought I didn't love her anymore, or never did, that she never loved me, that it wasn't butterflies she felt but anxiety.. She concluded that I was the cause of her anxiety, that instead of the withdrawals and psychosis, it was me, I was the sole cause.. I was making her anxious, when I started questioning her reality, she saw me as the problem.. She left me hanging, ghosted me, I couldn't contact her anymore, from 8 months of calling every day for hours on end, trying to settle her nerves about whatever she thought was happening, to being dropped from one day to another.
It's now been 8 months since I last heard her voice, 4 months since she replied to a message after I found her online again. She seemed to be doing better, but from what I had to read and was told by her, only because she thinks I was the problem causing her to feel that way, not because she stopped tapering and stabilized on a lower dose of suboxone.. I finally told her outright what I think happened, but she took it as a threat, I am now part of her ongoing persecutory delusions, I am the one trying to fuck up her life. She never wants to hear from me again, ignores everything I have to say, blocked me everywhere.. I keep trying to reach out because I finally can and wasn't able to before, I was trying to take accountability, trying to right the wrongs, I'm still trying to repair, but there's nothing left, it's too late, it's all for nothing..
It absolutely killed me. All I wanted to do was help her, make sure that she'd get better, I didn't want to take revenge, rewrite the story to fit my narrative, blame shift, manipulate or gaslight her, I did it out of my love for her, I self-sacrificed my chance at her when I tried to contact her family to tell them what happened, only because I had no idea how she was doing, no idea if she was ever going to get better if she didn't accept what she has.. I handled everything the wrong way looking back, I mean everything.. It only proved her she was right about me when I did that, as if I've intentionally been manipulating her, that I'm a narcissist who's trying to destroy her life by spreading rumours, by blackmailing her or whatever she thinks it was.. I only hurt her, I've hurt the woman I love, I feel more than terrible, it's hell, I can't escape my despair, can't forgive myself for fucking this up, can't believe it all ended up this way.. I lost her..
I have been trying to get out of this hole all that time, but I'm not able to, it's not happening, I'm not getting better, it's only getting worse. I'm not even just done this time, I think I have given up. It feels like I'm never getting over this shit, feels like only she could've saved me. I gave away my heart to her, I can't seem to get it back, I've left it with her, there's a gaping hole now where my heart should be.. I lost myself, the version of myself I wanted to become for her, the man she wanted me to be, but I never was able to, never was able to live up to her expectations, I only made her feel unwanted, unloved, I could not reciprocate the affection and love she gave me, I was too busy trying to fix the impossible by entertaining her delusions and trying to find ways to stop her from having them, than that I made her feel loved, I wasn't as emotionally available as I was in the beginning, before she started withdrawing, before the mayhem started..
The same person doesn't come around twice in a lifetime, not being able to ever show her how much she means to me, never getting a chance again at showing her how much I actually love her, it feels like I've died already..
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^ I wrote all of the above a couple of days ago, I was bumming some people out with me being depressed and talking about how worried I was about her again, so they said to just send a message on facebook or whatever.. I said she blocked me, I can't, I'm being ignored everywhere, she hasn't responded to my messages in 4 months now, I said she probably also has her profile hidden so looking for her wouldn't work. So they looked, found her new profile immediately, then they told me, "see, she's fine, she's forgotten all about you already"..
And then my heart sank again. Turns out she's been in a relationship with someone else for 5 months now already, a month before I finally was able to speak to her again, 2-3 months after discarding me, I've been replaced.. I saw her smile again though, she's got her glow back, it made me happy she looked happy, but I wish I was the one who could've made her smile like that, that I was the one who could make her happy, that I was the one instead of him..
I'm happy she's happy, but I want to be happy as well.. It's like my heart keeps breaking over and over and over.. I thought I'd found my soulmate, she did too, but now that went to being just a mistake, a lesson, someone who apparently sucked her soul dry, someone not worth her time or energy, someone not worth anything, someone who she'd rather never have to speak to again, even if it meant it could save them, she'd rather see me die..
And I can't even blame her, I know it's not her fault, it's because of me she went too fast with the taper, she wanted to be done with them quicker so she could see me, but it was too much, was almost as if she kept going in and out of psychosis, slipping in and out of consciousness, sometimes she knew that the things that she thought were happening couldn't be happening, the next day it was happening all over again and she was convinced of her being under attack. It made me so fucking worried, it tired me out so much having to deal with the delusions, I spent so much time trying to save her from having to worry about it that I let go of my boundaries, I accepted that our phonecalls were taking over everything, from hours everyday to having them go on for literal days. She felt safer when the calls kept going, so we even slept with our calls going, we woke up with calls going, I couldn't do much else but make her feel safe, but I was a slave to her desires, I had no time to rest anymore, I sometimes reacted irritable, or shut down when she asked difficult questions, I tried to not slip back into avoidance, but there were days that I could only sleep hours after she went to sleep, so I missed calls, missed messages that I couldn't react immediately to, it made her feel ignored, like I did it intentionally.. I only did twice and I told her upfront that I wasn't gonna entertain her paranoid accusations, the other time was that I so desperately wanted sleep that I told her I was gonna turn my phone off, because I knew she'd be calling me awake otherwise.. I lost myself trying to save her, she lost herself trying to keep loving me, it turned into hate for her, she hates me for what I've done, which I cannot really deal with mentally.
This shit has broken me, I'm now someone who's tried to ruin her life, someone who keeps slandering her, blaming her for everything that went wrong, but I'm not, I'm simply finally telling her that she was simply losing it again, that it was her psychosis that broke me, that I was frustrated it wasn't getting better no matter what I tried, not that I didn't love her, I love the woman to death, always will, but if I would've told her right away what I thought was really happening I would've lost her then and there.. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and by doing so I made it more comfortable for her to share her version of events, she felt heard, I hope anyways, because I did listen, I listened so much, but to the wrong things, she asked me to show my love more, literally hear me say that I love her, but that'll always feel kinda awkward to me, it's just a given I love you, I stuck by her for the bad times, but now someone else gets to enjoy the good times?
In her mind it will always make more sense to blame me than admitting she was having a substance induced psychosis when withdrawing from suboxone, because she didn't really feel loved by me and it only made her anxious to have to shrink herself for my lack of empathy for her situation, why waste time on someone who doesn't really love you right? I can only blame myself that I didn't try harder, that I didn't show my love more. That last time she called, I could only sigh and ask her if she'd been looking at her phone the whole night again and she just screamed and hung up, that was the out she was looking for to give up on me, probably for months already, but all those extra months together only made me love her more, I was already emotionally attached to her, but this only grew more with time, I was determined to stay, make it work, even if it killed me, I was going to finally make it real, take care of the woman I love so much, have kids, get married, grow old together.. No one has ever made me want to have children with them, she made me want that, I told her I wanted to have one with her, she wanted it too, said I deserved it. I'm still crying over how happy that made me feel, because I meant all of it, that feeling she gave me, I love her so much, so so much..
All gone from one day to the next. And then you find out that she's not had any trouble with forgetting you, making you a thing of the past, permanently, that I was considered someone bad, a waste of time, someone unwilling to change, someone who was keeping her from living her best life.. And I only proved her right by doing a complete 180 and telling her she WAS having a psychosis, that the shit she was thinking happened never did, that I was thinking of telling her family and showing them pictures of all the evidence we gathered because in my opinion she needed appropriate therapy and different meds instead of doing fucking mushrooms and ketamine every weekend, which she considered blackmail and a reason to never want to hear from me again.. I am fucking destroyed. This is seriously fucking with my mind too hard, I'm nothing in the eyes of the woman I love so much, nothing more than something you ignore and forget in the hope it dies.
I am lost, I'm not getting better. The task to fix myself is just too great, there is no end to this, every place I turn to for help I get none, I've given up. I can't get out of bed, I just want to sleep and I can't, I keep ruminating, keep feeling sorry for myself, keep wishing it would've all gone differently. I quit weed, quit benzos, kept that up for almost 4 months, I relapsed because I just wanted rest, I want to be able to fall asleep and keep sleeping, started doing a bunch of crack too, yeah my life feels over.. I am not getting over her, ever. She was it, in my mind she still is, in my heart she still is, my soul has left me and is looking for her ghost.. I'm so done guys, I still can't cope with heartbreak, I can't cope with life, I don't feel like there's much time left, I'm not going to be able to find myself anymore anytime soon, there's nothing left in me, my inner strength is gone. I can't make myself just fall in love with someone else and replace her, I'd be betraying my feelings if I did.. She cannot be replaced, I'm stuck with her, we didn't even get to start and now it ended already? I'll forever have to wonder now, I can't deal with this shit anymore, can't get over it.
I just wanted to love her and have her love me, I didn't plan for any of this happening, I just let my feelings guide me.. I didn't care about her past, what I'm now understanding from fucking relationship advice from facebook reels I should've cared about the red flags, that all her exes were crazy revengeful, that she needed a lot of attention, that she made me push past my boundaries, but I didn't care, I still don't, but I wish it would've gone differently, I wish that one day I will still get the chance to make up for all my shortcomings, but I know I won't, so what use is there to keep living even? If I can't have her love, what use is there? For myself? That's a fucking joke, my life is worth nothing, I'm useless. She didn't care she said, she loved me for who I was, didn't care about my flaws. She probably felt trapped by her own words, she had to convince herself the feelings weren't love but anxiety, only confirming that to be the case when she left me and didn't have a reason to drop the subs too fast anymore, giving her nervous system the rest she wasn't getting, because of me of course, I was the reason she was in pain.. I just cannot fucking believe this is how it went, that this is the outcome of me finally falling in love again and committing to a woman, finally feel vulnerable enough to share your whole life with someone, the love of your life, your soulmate, your twin flame, then get trampled on and left behind as if I am nothing.. Was I just a temporary fix to hold while she confronted herself with her past and tried to heal while using the comfort of my love to fill the emptiness, was I just a distraction that she mistakenly thought she needed and not the one she truly wanted like she made me believe? The whole time I'm thinking I really meant something, now I have to heal from her and there's no one to comfort me, no one's coming to my help, I am alone again, but not out of choice this time, she chose for me, there wasn't any discussion, this time I wish I had her by my side, the her that really meant it, the her I lost throughout all of this.. And not to use her as a temporary fix either, I never wanted to let her go, I still don't, I genuinely still love her, something I can't change, something I can't forget. I'm still fucking chasing her ghost while she never wants to hear from me again, how stupid am I for still trying? I just can't let this go, can't let her go, I'm lost..
I'm fucking broken, I can't stop crying, I feel fucking pathetic that I can't deal with this shit.. I just needed to put this here, fitting place for my demise. She made me finally get over the heartbreak I endured 20-25 years ago, how many years will it take to get over her now I wonder? Too many, it will take another lifetime, don't want to endure that torture. I'm going to try and go back to sleep. I hope I don't wake up anymore one of these days. I was close a week ago, but sleeping on my side saved me from choking on my vomit. I hope it comes soon. I just want out. If I don't come back to reply anymore you know what happened.
I'm gonna buy a couple grams of crack and smoke myself calm first, until I inevitably get wired and can't sleep for a day or 2-3, helps making not eating easier too, I have no appetite, I just want to lay in bed and not move, sink into the ground, crawl away and hide, I want a quick fix, push a button and integrate this devastation into my life, I want to lie to myself like she did and say it wasn't important to me at all, I want to be able to move on, but I can't.. I know myself, I'm not going to be able to let this go, this is forever pain, not going away pain, changing me for the worse instead of the better pain, it's pain that goes so deep no man has ever gone there before, I don't want to go there, I don't want this pain, someone take it away from me, someone kill me before I do it myself, someone stop me from disappointing more people in my life, I don't want to burden anyone with myself, but that's exactly what I'm doing by remaining myself. I need to change but am seemingly not able to, I can't be helped, she said I can't be changed and she's right, I want to, but I can't, I see no way out right now, there's no light in this darkness, my own light has dimmed and disappeared, it's been sucked up in a black hole I can't get out of, a void I'm forever trapped in, this shit is hell.
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I just woke up again, I fell asleep scrolling through our chats yesterday, was awake for 3 days, it's friday again already.. Exactly a week ago I found out that she's been in a relationship for months already, that she's happy, happy without me.. I woke up extremely depressed, cannot get out of this, looking back at how we started chatting, it fucked me up too much.. That feeling I had when I found her, how she made me feel, how much I poured into her back then.. I can't ever get that feeling back again. No one else will ever be able to.. I don't think I'll ever be able to deal with this, I love that woman.. So fucking much. She's unreplaceable. She stole my heart, she is it.. I can't ever show her now? Never be able to make all of that real? I'm done. I can't find her again, cannot replace her. I can't integrate this into my life, I just feel like ending my life atm. I'm just gonna press enter and show everyone how sorry I'm feeling for myself, to document what a pathetic fuck I am. Like any of it really matters to you people.. What am I proving by posting this anyways? That I am worthless? That I need help and am desperately reaching out for it? No one's able to do anything about it anyways. She was able to. She calmed me down. She made me feel seen, she saw worth in me where others didn't. I gave my heart away to her, can't get it back. It's not like I don't want to change, but that I couldn't even change myself for her, that I seemed to be unwilling to change, that I let this all slip through my hands because I never changed? It's something I cannot accept. I can't accept not having done more to make this real. I can't accept that I'll never even meet the woman that's the absolute love of my life, how pathetic is that? I never even really met her, it's all a fucking fantasy. I am broken beyond repair..
I'm not intending to give anyone hell, but it will probably happen regardless, not as much as I'm putting myself through though. I wrote all that down day before yesterday, read it again and wanted to pm you, then realized I couldn't, but didn't want to edit or post more either, I feel like I have enough exposure already. I don't want to keep bumping my topic, yes it does put things into perspective somewhat, but it still feels whiny af. I just don't wanna lie, terrible at it. I do want to try it, because I know it can be incredibly beneficial, but I also know it will frustrate me as well, I know I'll want to give up when I don't see results immediately. Sigh, I hate this part of me, yeah I'm an empath, or hsp, I feel the pain you're going through, to some extent anyways. You get why I said I feel like a pussy and an asshole right? I try to avoid having to deal with it, it's why I never hung out much in tds in all my years on bl, it's how I go through daily life now. Try to ignore your emotions and don't let them control you, it's why people sometimes can assume I'm cold or emotionless, when I'm far from it, I simply have too much of them, ignoring and avoiding have been a defense mechanism, crying is so close to laughter, I always try to stick with the latter instead. But yeah, every post in here makes me tear up, I feel like I don't even deserve the support, other people need it way harder. Thanks for explaining despite me being difficult anyways, I was kinda hoping you'd do that. I'm not intentionally manipulative, honestly, lol.
! Lol! 
I'm still getting the hang of the new bl, had no idea that was even possible. I'm not good with change, I feel like we need some customized skins that make bl look like any period you want to. I miss that all white dull grey with the blue purple logo from 15 years ago. Or what if you're really oldschool and need that green back in your life? Nostalgia, when the internet was still interesting, when life was, lol.
I might bump this sometime soon, might not, probably not.
Let me just give you a hug then take a big sigh and then sigh.
Aging like a fine wine in the sun, all vinegarry and rancid. I think I'm drinking some of that right now. Pissing myself laughing.
I'm hoping it won't take this long next time, but lets check in 25 years again.