Generation *DMT*
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- Thread starter Keif' Richards
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Generation *DMT*
Ex-Bluelighter
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Hi. I have 12 years recovery through NA. I used to come on here when I was using and Christ was I a mess. Anyway, sorry to hear about your SO. I can only tell you; it's not your job to fix her and just because she is ill does not mean you are required to tolerate her abuse. NA has been great, but my spiritual discipline helps a ton. It states that this world is crazy, but the good news is that it is not real. Do you believe in God? Ever heard of non-dualism? It helped me more than I can say. Hugs.
Hey Good Morning from Vermont everybody.
I was unable to post for a day or two. Things are a bit hectic as you know.
This blog has morphed into a ¨the status of addicts and homeless in Vermont/America" in as much of a way as it is about myself. This is probably because I am an addict in America, even if I´m not using, I know and can feel the emotions of those people I see out there.
@TJ5 yes, I actually got sober largely by going to AA meetings. I have nothing against NA. I love talking about drugs so much, whether using them, pharmacology, news etc. that I found I would always end up in conversations with people about drugs, even with relatively good intentions, that would devolve into something unhealthy for all parties. I settled on AA because I found it easy to say and accept that we were all dealing with this ¨thing¨ and I didn´t personally feel a need to differentiate. That is only my personal opinion, I know NA is just as great as AA. I never would have gotten sober if it weren´t for meetings. Again, this is just me guys, to each his own. To this day I go to a few every week. Right now, when shit is hard, I go to one pretty much every day to help keep my head straight. When you´re outside and not feeling great emotionally, surrounded by cheap and potent drugs of all kinds, it takes letting your guard down for a moment to end up totally fucked. The way things are out here, totally fucked could mean dead in the freezing cold.
As I´ve covered a little bit here already, Vermont´s homeless policies have been completely and utterly nonsensical from the start of all this maybe a decade ago. We went for almost 3-4 years of putting every single homeless person who wanted one in a hotel room for basically indefinite periods of time. These were all your standard fare motels like ¨Comfort Inn; Motel 6¨ that were contracted by the government. These hotel owners then got greedy and complained that the homeless would destroy their hotels if they were allowed to stay (true). This led to many hotels charging as much as $350 a night per person. Instead of recouping costs, many of these hotels actually ended up able to rebuild bigger and better hotels after the homeless were eventually kicked out starting ~1 year ago.
Every single Vermonter could get ~$200/month in food stamps, ~75 cash for expenses and had their rent taken care of. There was literally ZERO incentive of any kind for any of these addicts to try to do anything differently. All they had to do was have money for drugs and cigarettes. I believe this took an already vulnerable class of people and turned them effectively into infants. I´m not saying addicts are helpless, but they are vulnerable to influence and persecution. We all know this. Someone without an active addiction can lead an addict around with a piece of Heroin on the end of a string like a bad cartoon. The state told these people what to do and they did it and it did nothing but harm.
Vermont´s political identity as a liberal bastion is comical. I´m from Boston guys, so I know a thing or two about liberal hypocrisy. Vermont is on another level. It seems that the majority of people here use social issues like addiction/homelessness/mental health as conversation topics, social currency or what have you, when in reality, they step over the homeless on the sidewalk holding their noses, possibly talking down to them, definitely looking down on them. People, in my opinion, pretended they cared right up until it became impossible for them to segregate themselves from the problems. As soon as the homeless were sleeping in front of their stores, things changed.
The backlash has been huge. There are no bathrooms for 5-6 blocks in certain parts of this small town. There is one place on the far end of town where a person can take a shower (I used to work there). Otherwise, it seems the majority are just out in the cold right now.
It´s extremely depressing, as I´ve seen kids looking younger and younger forming their little street families. You can only wonder why they´re on the streets before they´re even 18. I guess I feel the state should have been more responsible. For the cost of those stupid motel rooms, we could have opened up a church basement, heated, with laundry and a shower for 20 years at least. Now it´s 2025 and we have gone from, everybody gets a motel room forever to there is nowhere to go at all. There are programs with waiting lists. But most of these people are addicts. The concept of engaging with, being put on and staying current with a waiting list is often out of our grasp when we are in that life. Shelter has to really just be a place you know you can always go if you´re too cold.
I do not want to imagine how many bums might have died in this latest cold snap here. If you get drunk or high in the wrong place or at the wrong time, frostbite or death probably. Considering nobody is likely to even check on you, I can see how people could just walk by this type of shit all night and not even think twice about it.
Some kids from the University recently got arrested as they were firing a BB gun out of their car window at homeless people downtown. I know they´re young and in college, but come the fuck on. Steal a road sign. Go give a cop the middle finger. Shooting junkies with a fucking BB gun? Where is the fucking humanity?
------------------------
As for me. I managed to make it back and forth for the first week of my new job. It is nothing short of a miracle. Every day I can begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel I am very close to making this all happen. I´ll be getting paid later this week and from there, I´m not sure. I´m actively trying to get a shelter bed right now and I´m on a short wait list. It would be great if I could just stay at the shelter and continue commuting for another two weeks. Then I would really have enough to get a place near my work.
There were parts of this recent story where I was 100% positive I would not make it out of this. I knew I was going to drink or get fucked up. I knew it was inevitable. I kept picturing myself dying outside because of the actions I would inevitably take. I know it´s not for everyone, but aside from you guys here on BL, my only friends are 12-step people. When I felt like I literally could off myself at the beginning of this, they gave me hope, as did you guys. My friends all convinced me that my life was worth at least attempting to continue.
Other people who are feeling hopeless like that, I would just encourage you to seek out people either in AA or another organisation, just people who are there only because they´ve been through it. Every time I felt like I was totally fucked, I would go to a meeting and it would help convince me not to make the bad decisions.
It has been seriously fucking cold here. That has been the worst part of all of this. If you´re outside for extended periods, your hands are already frozen and taking them out of your mitt to use your phone or do anything is just impossible. I´ve met lots of other people who know how to live like this and I´m always surprised by their ingenuity. I however, have no skill in living outside in the winter. It´s honestly a pretty scary experience when the sun goes down. You know it´s gonna get cold. You know the weirdos are gonna start coming out of the woodwork.
I have another week of this. This is the big challenege though. Staying sober and keeping my new job. There will be other challenges, like coming up with what I need for permanent housing, which will take time, but that doesn´t matter right now. I´m taking it one day at a time. As long as I survive through this phase of my life, everything else is going to seem that much easier. I just want to thank everyone who cares to read my drivel. It has been a nice outlet for sharing my feelings. There are a lot of things I just can´t talk about with people in the program.
Thanks everyone, friends, Romans, Bluelighters one and all. Your sentiments and kindness have been not a small part of what keeps the fire inside my belly burning through this madness. Until next time!
I was unable to post for a day or two. Things are a bit hectic as you know.
This blog has morphed into a ¨the status of addicts and homeless in Vermont/America" in as much of a way as it is about myself. This is probably because I am an addict in America, even if I´m not using, I know and can feel the emotions of those people I see out there.
@TJ5 yes, I actually got sober largely by going to AA meetings. I have nothing against NA. I love talking about drugs so much, whether using them, pharmacology, news etc. that I found I would always end up in conversations with people about drugs, even with relatively good intentions, that would devolve into something unhealthy for all parties. I settled on AA because I found it easy to say and accept that we were all dealing with this ¨thing¨ and I didn´t personally feel a need to differentiate. That is only my personal opinion, I know NA is just as great as AA. I never would have gotten sober if it weren´t for meetings. Again, this is just me guys, to each his own. To this day I go to a few every week. Right now, when shit is hard, I go to one pretty much every day to help keep my head straight. When you´re outside and not feeling great emotionally, surrounded by cheap and potent drugs of all kinds, it takes letting your guard down for a moment to end up totally fucked. The way things are out here, totally fucked could mean dead in the freezing cold.
As I´ve covered a little bit here already, Vermont´s homeless policies have been completely and utterly nonsensical from the start of all this maybe a decade ago. We went for almost 3-4 years of putting every single homeless person who wanted one in a hotel room for basically indefinite periods of time. These were all your standard fare motels like ¨Comfort Inn; Motel 6¨ that were contracted by the government. These hotel owners then got greedy and complained that the homeless would destroy their hotels if they were allowed to stay (true). This led to many hotels charging as much as $350 a night per person. Instead of recouping costs, many of these hotels actually ended up able to rebuild bigger and better hotels after the homeless were eventually kicked out starting ~1 year ago.
Every single Vermonter could get ~$200/month in food stamps, ~75 cash for expenses and had their rent taken care of. There was literally ZERO incentive of any kind for any of these addicts to try to do anything differently. All they had to do was have money for drugs and cigarettes. I believe this took an already vulnerable class of people and turned them effectively into infants. I´m not saying addicts are helpless, but they are vulnerable to influence and persecution. We all know this. Someone without an active addiction can lead an addict around with a piece of Heroin on the end of a string like a bad cartoon. The state told these people what to do and they did it and it did nothing but harm.
Vermont´s political identity as a liberal bastion is comical. I´m from Boston guys, so I know a thing or two about liberal hypocrisy. Vermont is on another level. It seems that the majority of people here use social issues like addiction/homelessness/mental health as conversation topics, social currency or what have you, when in reality, they step over the homeless on the sidewalk holding their noses, possibly talking down to them, definitely looking down on them. People, in my opinion, pretended they cared right up until it became impossible for them to segregate themselves from the problems. As soon as the homeless were sleeping in front of their stores, things changed.
The backlash has been huge. There are no bathrooms for 5-6 blocks in certain parts of this small town. There is one place on the far end of town where a person can take a shower (I used to work there). Otherwise, it seems the majority are just out in the cold right now.
It´s extremely depressing, as I´ve seen kids looking younger and younger forming their little street families. You can only wonder why they´re on the streets before they´re even 18. I guess I feel the state should have been more responsible. For the cost of those stupid motel rooms, we could have opened up a church basement, heated, with laundry and a shower for 20 years at least. Now it´s 2025 and we have gone from, everybody gets a motel room forever to there is nowhere to go at all. There are programs with waiting lists. But most of these people are addicts. The concept of engaging with, being put on and staying current with a waiting list is often out of our grasp when we are in that life. Shelter has to really just be a place you know you can always go if you´re too cold.
I do not want to imagine how many bums might have died in this latest cold snap here. If you get drunk or high in the wrong place or at the wrong time, frostbite or death probably. Considering nobody is likely to even check on you, I can see how people could just walk by this type of shit all night and not even think twice about it.
Some kids from the University recently got arrested as they were firing a BB gun out of their car window at homeless people downtown. I know they´re young and in college, but come the fuck on. Steal a road sign. Go give a cop the middle finger. Shooting junkies with a fucking BB gun? Where is the fucking humanity?
------------------------
As for me. I managed to make it back and forth for the first week of my new job. It is nothing short of a miracle. Every day I can begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel I am very close to making this all happen. I´ll be getting paid later this week and from there, I´m not sure. I´m actively trying to get a shelter bed right now and I´m on a short wait list. It would be great if I could just stay at the shelter and continue commuting for another two weeks. Then I would really have enough to get a place near my work.
There were parts of this recent story where I was 100% positive I would not make it out of this. I knew I was going to drink or get fucked up. I knew it was inevitable. I kept picturing myself dying outside because of the actions I would inevitably take. I know it´s not for everyone, but aside from you guys here on BL, my only friends are 12-step people. When I felt like I literally could off myself at the beginning of this, they gave me hope, as did you guys. My friends all convinced me that my life was worth at least attempting to continue.
Other people who are feeling hopeless like that, I would just encourage you to seek out people either in AA or another organisation, just people who are there only because they´ve been through it. Every time I felt like I was totally fucked, I would go to a meeting and it would help convince me not to make the bad decisions.
It has been seriously fucking cold here. That has been the worst part of all of this. If you´re outside for extended periods, your hands are already frozen and taking them out of your mitt to use your phone or do anything is just impossible. I´ve met lots of other people who know how to live like this and I´m always surprised by their ingenuity. I however, have no skill in living outside in the winter. It´s honestly a pretty scary experience when the sun goes down. You know it´s gonna get cold. You know the weirdos are gonna start coming out of the woodwork.
I have another week of this. This is the big challenege though. Staying sober and keeping my new job. There will be other challenges, like coming up with what I need for permanent housing, which will take time, but that doesn´t matter right now. I´m taking it one day at a time. As long as I survive through this phase of my life, everything else is going to seem that much easier. I just want to thank everyone who cares to read my drivel. It has been a nice outlet for sharing my feelings. There are a lot of things I just can´t talk about with people in the program.
Thanks everyone, friends, Romans, Bluelighters one and all. Your sentiments and kindness have been not a small part of what keeps the fire inside my belly burning through this madness. Until next time!
Okie dokie, another day of the chronicles of my stupid life.
The quest to get inside, to rent a roiom continues. For those of you who do not know, I´ve been living rough,y off and on for the past week or so while trying to start a new job. There is a one hour commute by bus to this job. I´m working at a new recovery center as a Harm Reduction Specialist. I am going to be helping design the policies that I think best benefit the folks who will be coming through. I´ve talked a lot with my boss who is an APRN and she is in agreement that the system as it is has failed. She is open to trying new things, so I have hope.
I´m finishing my first week. Then the center opens and I need to be nearby as I will be on-call at times. It´s imperative that I make this room happen. I´ve got my week of pay coming Friday. I managed to get over 40 hours despite us not even being open by putting together IKEA furniture and cleaning all day. I am going to take whatever I can get. Getting the room will undoubtedly mean another cuople of weeks of hard living, but if I can manage to get inside with stable amenities like shower and laundry, I can figure everything else out. We have food banks here. It´s not a given I´m gonna find a place I can afford. So, I´m also underr the fucking gun to find a room that alllows me to get to my job easily within a short period of time otherwise I really can´t do it.
You´ve gotta have faith. It is the only thing that has kept me going through this madness. I have faith that there is something good at the end. By getting drunk, using drugs, I´m depriving people of valuable work that I´m capable of and I suppose that is selfish. I feel if there is a God ior if karma is real, the suffering that I´m enduring right now, so I can do this job and try to do something different for these poor people. I believe there is a reason to do good. I wish I were proud of myself. There is something about being out here in this misery. It sticks to you. Even though I´ḿ not ¨chronically homeless¨, beiing in this environment inherently tells me that I am a failure. A person with better sense or responsibility would never have to go through this, I tell myself.
It has been extremely cold.
The downtown area is absolutely miserable. Homeless people wrapped in dirty blankets without jackets. The inside of the us terminal smelled so bad it was hard to sit inside of it. It was the only bathroom for .3 miles that was public. They have now closed it citing maintenance issues. I believe it´s because they couldn´t handle the overdoses.
Everyone, you need to be aware how easy it is for this shit to happen to you right now. We are entering an economic depression. The consequences of a relapse or the spending of an entire paycheck on crack is no longer something that is easily fixable. We all need to be very careful. Anyway, I´m only homeless for a few more days. Last dollar spent on bus to work. I have a paycheck coming though on Friday. What if I didn´t have any plan at all? That´s right.
The quest to get inside, to rent a roiom continues. For those of you who do not know, I´ve been living rough,y off and on for the past week or so while trying to start a new job. There is a one hour commute by bus to this job. I´m working at a new recovery center as a Harm Reduction Specialist. I am going to be helping design the policies that I think best benefit the folks who will be coming through. I´ve talked a lot with my boss who is an APRN and she is in agreement that the system as it is has failed. She is open to trying new things, so I have hope.
I´m finishing my first week. Then the center opens and I need to be nearby as I will be on-call at times. It´s imperative that I make this room happen. I´ve got my week of pay coming Friday. I managed to get over 40 hours despite us not even being open by putting together IKEA furniture and cleaning all day. I am going to take whatever I can get. Getting the room will undoubtedly mean another cuople of weeks of hard living, but if I can manage to get inside with stable amenities like shower and laundry, I can figure everything else out. We have food banks here. It´s not a given I´m gonna find a place I can afford. So, I´m also underr the fucking gun to find a room that alllows me to get to my job easily within a short period of time otherwise I really can´t do it.
You´ve gotta have faith. It is the only thing that has kept me going through this madness. I have faith that there is something good at the end. By getting drunk, using drugs, I´m depriving people of valuable work that I´m capable of and I suppose that is selfish. I feel if there is a God ior if karma is real, the suffering that I´m enduring right now, so I can do this job and try to do something different for these poor people. I believe there is a reason to do good. I wish I were proud of myself. There is something about being out here in this misery. It sticks to you. Even though I´ḿ not ¨chronically homeless¨, beiing in this environment inherently tells me that I am a failure. A person with better sense or responsibility would never have to go through this, I tell myself.
It has been extremely cold.
The downtown area is absolutely miserable. Homeless people wrapped in dirty blankets without jackets. The inside of the us terminal smelled so bad it was hard to sit inside of it. It was the only bathroom for .3 miles that was public. They have now closed it citing maintenance issues. I believe it´s because they couldn´t handle the overdoses.
Everyone, you need to be aware how easy it is for this shit to happen to you right now. We are entering an economic depression. The consequences of a relapse or the spending of an entire paycheck on crack is no longer something that is easily fixable. We all need to be very careful. Anyway, I´m only homeless for a few more days. Last dollar spent on bus to work. I have a paycheck coming though on Friday. What if I didn´t have any plan at all? That´s right.
maryanne77
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2024
- Messages
- 76
I hope you are doing ok. Please check in. Praying for you daily .
Deleted member 554582
Road-Weary Traveler
Man...readin' all this realize what a lucky guy I am...got everything-loving family,nice house in a beautiful place,a land enough to plant something...can get my food over my table,pay bills,pay,pay my daughter university......for now....feel that was gonna come...that wave would hit harder than anything before...and it would hit hard everywhere around the world....hardest more vulnerable-homeless,mentally ill,people incapable of work,the poor,the slowly or even rapidly somewhere vanishing middle class....those with big money...well we know that they will got richer....well despite all of this most of the time i am severe depressed,can't find myself,can't find my place in society...which is collapsing entirely especially the place i lived,but still exist...feel marginalized,unable to communicate,full with extreme fears....got my mortal enemy,got the devil constantly flying around.....and i am 50...and the life passing by me...and i just watching outside.....not participate in anything...a lot of betrayals,a lit of tormenting memories from my past..may be i got a lot of mental disorders.,.but i feel healthy physically,but unable to act.... chained,cursed....idk what to do....but is enough for me to see on ytube freezing December streets of Philly.....and those people lying in stupor almost naked under the bridge...or withdrawling in the freeze from tranqdope.....and to realize how good i live actually.....or just one look on ruin's ghost towns of Donbass,blasts,bombs,drones....and rotting corpses....Maaaan the war is ultimate nightmare....wish u all the best man....Have ur faith.God bless you!
Hey thanks @Nas47 I really appreciate you sharing and your words of encouragement. @maryanne77 thankful as always to have such a nice lady care so much for me, a strange junkie on the internet. All you guys who have taken the time to write, you mean so much to me. Thank you.
I wish I had good news to share, but I really don´t. The past few days have been hectic, as I´ve spent most of my free time running around to different agencies trying to get whatever is available to help me with my situation. I believed I was only going to need 1200 to move into this apartment near my work. Remember, my commute in total right now is about two hours with all things considered. It´s a bitch, but I´ve made it work. I´ve been outside most of this time, however, I´ve been staying in a heated foyer that a former client from the shelter uses. He lets me share as he appreciates the time I spent with him and that always warms my heart. I tend to think of myself first and foremost as a bad person. My life has always been a quest to be a good person. I´ve done good things, but I´ve never been able to escape the feeling of guilt and shame associated with my childhood and my addiction.
I was born with a cleft lip and palate. My father would often joke that I was an ¨abomination¨ or say that ¨god makes mistakes¨ when he was drunk/high on Cocaine. They were jokes that really walked the fine line between sardonic comedy and incredibly painful insults. I grew up always knowing that I was broken and ugly. Ugly on the inside and the outside. I try so hard to do what I can for people. It´s not much though. So when I run into someone that I haven´t seen for two years and he still remembers something I said to him that was meaningful, man, that´s what life is all about. So I have a little spot to sleep, a space heater and he´s got a giant battery pack, so it´s not terrible.
Anyway, I was just being unrealistic about the true cost of living here. You could say I was being optimistic. I have to be optimistic out here though. Sometimes, all I´ve got are the hopes and dreams that things are just about to get better. Well, a tooth that had been bothering me in a very minor way over the course of three days turned into a toothache that left me unable to sleep and basically writhing in pain. The free dentist clinic was gonna be at least a few weeks and apparently up to six months? I had no choice but to pay to have it pulled. Didn´t have a dentist up here, so had no choice but to do consult, xrays and extraction. Turns out I still had a wisdom tooth back there that was crushing the tooth in front of it. Well, that wasn´t the job for a dentist, but an oral surgeon... awesome. They were ¨nice¨ and that price represents the very bottom of their sliding scale.
It was going to be pretty close anyway, but that whole situation fucked me right over. Luckily, I´m so used to this shit after these two weeks it almost felt natural for everything to fall apart in front of my eyes due to a totally unforeseen issue. Fuck, that´s the story of my life and my relationship too, so you´d have to get up pretty early in the morning to surprise this guy. Unforeseen consequences.
The earliest the bus can get me to where I need to be is ~8:45am. My shift starts at 7:00am and I actually have to be there for 6:30am to do crossover with previous shift. I have already been warned about attendance, as I was late twice due to the bus fucking up. Why would you randomly start picking up from a different part of the terminal without telling anyone? How would I know that shit? Just more fucking noise. With the place opening up this week, I´m kind of counting the days until I have to tell my boss that it´s not gonna work out. Pretty sad. That job is 29/hr to start moving to 32/hr after 3 months of employment and I´ve already got one under my belt.\
Seeing as there is no way for me to afford this situation, there are few options. I can only get a job cooking (that´s what I´ve always done, college, high school) which pays 16.00-17.00/hr of course without health insurance or benefits of any kind. No time off. No nothing. Back literally to the very start of my wretched life in he most painful way possible. I hate cooking. Not to mention, there is simply no way to afford living in this city on that wage, so that means committing myself to more or less being destitute for a long time. There truly is no way of saving money and paying rent on that wage in this town.
My Methadone clinic is here. I cannot easily move anywhere just like that. Not to mention, even doing that would cost money that I do not have.
Next, the homeless shelter here in town should have a bed next week. Get this, I worked for this organization for over two years, managing the overnight crew (me myself and I) faithfully. I had to go and do an interview with my former boss, who I never got along with at all. It was truly one of the most shameful moments of my entire life. I´m pretty sure something broke inside of me from that experience. I do not know what broke or how or what that means, but something fucking broke inside my soul. This woman, who I often sparred with over her lack of showing up for her shifts as my partner, now sits in front of me, I swear with a little grin on her face as she tells me ¨now Ryan, you know you can´t bring any drugs in right?¨. Nobody who knew me would make that statement to me, knowing that I ran the place for years, if they didn´t want me to feel like shit.
So it all came full circle really. I am now begging my former employer for housing that is no doubt filled with people using drugs, stealing your shit and occasionally attacking you in fits of Methamphetamine psychosis. A former equal, now homeless, being treated like I probably relapsed and ruined my own life. Who gives a shit anyway? The dignity that I was keeping in a tiny box in the back of my mind is now empty. If she wants to call me a junkie, tell people I´m a junkie, she can go ahead. They will no doubt see me downtown, trying to survive, looking really no different than any other person down there doing the same. They would likely look at me and say ¨yup, he relapsed, lost everything, so sad¨.
I´m just another homeless drug addict claiming he is out here on the street by no fault of his own. Why even try to tell my story to anyone out here, it´s not like they care. I apologize if I´m sounding morose. This whole thing is really just making me lose faith. I guess that is my folly for making such a simple assumption of God and the universe that if I suffered enough out here, I would be blessed with something I want. All I want is a job where I can help my people. I want a place to live, a cell phone, a computer and a bicycle if I´m lucky. I know I´m probably paying the price for the people I neglected when I was fucked up. Maybe it´s for stealing 200 dollars from my mother, the only person in the world I know for sure loves me. Maybe I am not even at the beginning of paying my debt and this is going to get much worse.
I´m just trying to keep my head together right now. It´s easy for me to sink into depression with all of this. I have my meetings and thank God for that. If I didn´t have my program, I shit you not, I would be dead already, either via drugs or just killing myself outright. I know I have to remain sober or I have no chance at anything. However, that voice in the back of my mind is now telling me that my chance at anything is already gone
At any rate, there will be some hard slogging for a long time if I´m to have a hope at even permanent housing. My fear was that, if I didn´t get this job together and make good money, inflation was just going to increase while I worked a subsistence job to the point where even that job is worthless. Then I will have no chance whatsoever at permanent housing.
I am staying optimistic as much as I possibly can. This shit is really starting to hurt though. I have my own misery I´m dealing with, meanwhile, I´m surrounded by others in later stages of misery. For the past two weeks, I considered myself a temporary feature of all this shit. Now, every day I´m starting to feel like this has been nothing but a slowe descent into the same misery I see on the faces of everyone here.
Thanks for everyone who reads. I´m going to do my best to keep this shit together. I came very close to making the job work out, but it´s just not really in the cards right now. I love all you guys. Your kindness has been just one facet of what it has taken for me to get through all of this.
I wish I had good news to share, but I really don´t. The past few days have been hectic, as I´ve spent most of my free time running around to different agencies trying to get whatever is available to help me with my situation. I believed I was only going to need 1200 to move into this apartment near my work. Remember, my commute in total right now is about two hours with all things considered. It´s a bitch, but I´ve made it work. I´ve been outside most of this time, however, I´ve been staying in a heated foyer that a former client from the shelter uses. He lets me share as he appreciates the time I spent with him and that always warms my heart. I tend to think of myself first and foremost as a bad person. My life has always been a quest to be a good person. I´ve done good things, but I´ve never been able to escape the feeling of guilt and shame associated with my childhood and my addiction.
I was born with a cleft lip and palate. My father would often joke that I was an ¨abomination¨ or say that ¨god makes mistakes¨ when he was drunk/high on Cocaine. They were jokes that really walked the fine line between sardonic comedy and incredibly painful insults. I grew up always knowing that I was broken and ugly. Ugly on the inside and the outside. I try so hard to do what I can for people. It´s not much though. So when I run into someone that I haven´t seen for two years and he still remembers something I said to him that was meaningful, man, that´s what life is all about. So I have a little spot to sleep, a space heater and he´s got a giant battery pack, so it´s not terrible.
Anyway, I was just being unrealistic about the true cost of living here. You could say I was being optimistic. I have to be optimistic out here though. Sometimes, all I´ve got are the hopes and dreams that things are just about to get better. Well, a tooth that had been bothering me in a very minor way over the course of three days turned into a toothache that left me unable to sleep and basically writhing in pain. The free dentist clinic was gonna be at least a few weeks and apparently up to six months? I had no choice but to pay to have it pulled. Didn´t have a dentist up here, so had no choice but to do consult, xrays and extraction. Turns out I still had a wisdom tooth back there that was crushing the tooth in front of it. Well, that wasn´t the job for a dentist, but an oral surgeon... awesome. They were ¨nice¨ and that price represents the very bottom of their sliding scale.
It was going to be pretty close anyway, but that whole situation fucked me right over. Luckily, I´m so used to this shit after these two weeks it almost felt natural for everything to fall apart in front of my eyes due to a totally unforeseen issue. Fuck, that´s the story of my life and my relationship too, so you´d have to get up pretty early in the morning to surprise this guy. Unforeseen consequences.
The earliest the bus can get me to where I need to be is ~8:45am. My shift starts at 7:00am and I actually have to be there for 6:30am to do crossover with previous shift. I have already been warned about attendance, as I was late twice due to the bus fucking up. Why would you randomly start picking up from a different part of the terminal without telling anyone? How would I know that shit? Just more fucking noise. With the place opening up this week, I´m kind of counting the days until I have to tell my boss that it´s not gonna work out. Pretty sad. That job is 29/hr to start moving to 32/hr after 3 months of employment and I´ve already got one under my belt.\
Seeing as there is no way for me to afford this situation, there are few options. I can only get a job cooking (that´s what I´ve always done, college, high school) which pays 16.00-17.00/hr of course without health insurance or benefits of any kind. No time off. No nothing. Back literally to the very start of my wretched life in he most painful way possible. I hate cooking. Not to mention, there is simply no way to afford living in this city on that wage, so that means committing myself to more or less being destitute for a long time. There truly is no way of saving money and paying rent on that wage in this town.
My Methadone clinic is here. I cannot easily move anywhere just like that. Not to mention, even doing that would cost money that I do not have.
Next, the homeless shelter here in town should have a bed next week. Get this, I worked for this organization for over two years, managing the overnight crew (me myself and I) faithfully. I had to go and do an interview with my former boss, who I never got along with at all. It was truly one of the most shameful moments of my entire life. I´m pretty sure something broke inside of me from that experience. I do not know what broke or how or what that means, but something fucking broke inside my soul. This woman, who I often sparred with over her lack of showing up for her shifts as my partner, now sits in front of me, I swear with a little grin on her face as she tells me ¨now Ryan, you know you can´t bring any drugs in right?¨. Nobody who knew me would make that statement to me, knowing that I ran the place for years, if they didn´t want me to feel like shit.
So it all came full circle really. I am now begging my former employer for housing that is no doubt filled with people using drugs, stealing your shit and occasionally attacking you in fits of Methamphetamine psychosis. A former equal, now homeless, being treated like I probably relapsed and ruined my own life. Who gives a shit anyway? The dignity that I was keeping in a tiny box in the back of my mind is now empty. If she wants to call me a junkie, tell people I´m a junkie, she can go ahead. They will no doubt see me downtown, trying to survive, looking really no different than any other person down there doing the same. They would likely look at me and say ¨yup, he relapsed, lost everything, so sad¨.
I´m just another homeless drug addict claiming he is out here on the street by no fault of his own. Why even try to tell my story to anyone out here, it´s not like they care. I apologize if I´m sounding morose. This whole thing is really just making me lose faith. I guess that is my folly for making such a simple assumption of God and the universe that if I suffered enough out here, I would be blessed with something I want. All I want is a job where I can help my people. I want a place to live, a cell phone, a computer and a bicycle if I´m lucky. I know I´m probably paying the price for the people I neglected when I was fucked up. Maybe it´s for stealing 200 dollars from my mother, the only person in the world I know for sure loves me. Maybe I am not even at the beginning of paying my debt and this is going to get much worse.
I´m just trying to keep my head together right now. It´s easy for me to sink into depression with all of this. I have my meetings and thank God for that. If I didn´t have my program, I shit you not, I would be dead already, either via drugs or just killing myself outright. I know I have to remain sober or I have no chance at anything. However, that voice in the back of my mind is now telling me that my chance at anything is already gone
At any rate, there will be some hard slogging for a long time if I´m to have a hope at even permanent housing. My fear was that, if I didn´t get this job together and make good money, inflation was just going to increase while I worked a subsistence job to the point where even that job is worthless. Then I will have no chance whatsoever at permanent housing.
I am staying optimistic as much as I possibly can. This shit is really starting to hurt though. I have my own misery I´m dealing with, meanwhile, I´m surrounded by others in later stages of misery. For the past two weeks, I considered myself a temporary feature of all this shit. Now, every day I´m starting to feel like this has been nothing but a slowe descent into the same misery I see on the faces of everyone here.
Thanks for everyone who reads. I´m going to do my best to keep this shit together. I came very close to making the job work out, but it´s just not really in the cards right now. I love all you guys. Your kindness has been just one facet of what it has taken for me to get through all of this.
chippermonk
Bluelighter
Wow, that's a lot on your plate but you've also made real progress from your past. That guy remembering you from 2 years before and helping you is a sign of good karma.
Seems like finding a way to keep that job would be a good thing but the problem is you can't get housing near enough. What about leveling with your boss? Maybe they could help you figure out some sort of affordable rental, by the week or something. Someone they know. Seems like they work in a field where compassion is part of the DNA and they obviously want you working for them
Seems like finding a way to keep that job would be a good thing but the problem is you can't get housing near enough. What about leveling with your boss? Maybe they could help you figure out some sort of affordable rental, by the week or something. Someone they know. Seems like they work in a field where compassion is part of the DNA and they obviously want you working for them
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BadBoy377
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2023
- Messages
- 1,811
@Keif' Richards
Well that does just sound shit.
But you're still hanging in there and if you have managed to still stay off the booze n the drugs (weed doesn't count) then you're a fucking winner and you absolutely do have your dignity!
That situation with your ex colleague clearly got to you, man. But fuck her, she should and have more compassion. I wonder how she would be fairing in your situation if the roles were reversed? What the fuck is she doing in that job if she can't act right. Don't let her get to you mate. Your suffering and your still staying clean. That is a massive achievement. You have your dignity despite how others may try and make you feel.
Hang in there, mate, and best of luck.
BB
Well that does just sound shit.
But you're still hanging in there and if you have managed to still stay off the booze n the drugs (weed doesn't count) then you're a fucking winner and you absolutely do have your dignity!
That situation with your ex colleague clearly got to you, man. But fuck her, she should and have more compassion. I wonder how she would be fairing in your situation if the roles were reversed? What the fuck is she doing in that job if she can't act right. Don't let her get to you mate. Your suffering and your still staying clean. That is a massive achievement. You have your dignity despite how others may try and make you feel.
Hang in there, mate, and best of luck.
BB
maryanne77
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2024
- Messages
- 76
maryanne77
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2024
- Messages
- 76
I know it must feel hopeless, tell everyone your story including the new job ,maybe the new boss might have some ideas on how to somehow make this work. Maybe a different shift? Maybe they have resources to help you? We could all send letters of recommendations on how you've helped real people here. This place needs you. Maybe more now because of what you have been through. Still praying things take a turn . I always think of the story of Joseph. Things sometimes get really really bad right before something great happens. You will always be in my prayers.
SeekingOblivion
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2025
- Messages
- 303
The story of Job?
maryanne77
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2024
- Messages
- 76
I can't even....its a hard book .
As i remember Job was super righteous.
I am far from that for sure and still rescued countless times from the pit .
Yes the story of Job indeed. I don´t want to compare myself to that guy, as he seems to have had it a bit harder than I have it right now. I guess there is always someone worse off.
I´m currently in a shelter and I´m sharing a room with 3 other people. This place is dependent upon money, it is not free as I exceed income requirements from the past three quarters. It is expensive for what it is. was just able to move in and this was all of the combined resources I had available to me. They are supposed to have wifi, but it is not working which fucking blows so that means I currently have to leave that place to find wifi not to mention source food and everything else.
My phone was finally shut off a few days ago so it has been hard to post consistently. Now there are going to be late fees, fees to turn it back on and shit. Verizon are a bunch of bloodsuckers, seriously. I am under contract and feel like I have no choice. I have no credit whatsoever and never have been able to build it. I´ve only been living the adult life for 5 years or so now and it has taken time to learn basic skills. I do not want to have to get rid of my phone number as that is how so many people continue to reach me from different times in my life. I will probably have to get a prepaid deal when I´m able to.
I have started working for this company who operates drug rehabs. They are known as being ¨about the money¨ as they are a for-profit organization. They don´t have an awesome reputation. Still, I didn´t think that would preclude me from doing good work there. We were told that they are now delaying the opening until at least January 1st as there was paperwork that was not completed in time for the state and city. They have not been totally transparent whether they are going to pay us anything during this delay and that is worrisome to me.
I had been working there at this center helping them put together furniture and clean the place up, hauling trash doing all of the grunt stuff so I could make money prior to the opening. They had said they were going to pay me my full rate for doing so. I have direct deposit set up yet they still mailed a check to my parents´ house, so I spent an entire day going there only to find a check for 115.00 for what has amounted to 30 hours of work. My rate is stated to be 29/hr. My phone is meanwhile shut off so I cannot call anyone or rather, they can´t call me back and nobody has responded yet to my emails.
That was a big punch to the stomach, as that was going to be enough to pay my exhorbitant cell phone bill and get some real food. I´ve been eating nothing but donated food and I can´t eat anymore peanut butter or I´m gonna puke at this point. I´m also feeling like if i steal any more food from the stores around here, I could potentially get burned down, so it´s not as if I would feel badly about it. The last thing I need to add to my life right now are charges of any kind. I have a clean criminal record thanks to luck and divine providence in my life, so I don´t want to tempt that kindness to much.
This is how I´m living. Most of the homeless people here are so easily identifiable that they don´t even have a chance at getting in and stealing without being caught. They just assign someone to follow them immediately. It´s a pretty degrading sight. I may have said this already, but the laundromats and Dunkin Donuts have security guards that basically shoo people away if they are not directly spending money on services. I guess that is their right, but it´s pretty fucking dystopian.
I encounter people out on the street who have stayed at the shelters I helped manage. I always prided myself on treating them like my equals. It empowered them, made me feel great and actually made the functioning of the shelter much easier. When rules and consequences are not enough with an addict, sometimes it´s love and kindness that will convince them there is a reason to come around and be chill. I see them outside all the time and they all say hi to me. They all assume that I´m doing better than them. There is something that is just soul-crushing about having to tell them that I´m back at the bottom of the barrel when I feel some of them have genuine respect for me.
Every day that I´m around, either using the services or getting free food, I know that the faces are recognizing me. I know that I´m slowly being taken on as a member of the homeless community because, well, I´m basically one of them in every way right now. The only thing I´ve got is sobriety. That is what enables me to keep coming on here, talking to you all and helping out when I can. That help that I give is part of what keeps me human. I know a lot of you are familiar with these feelings. There is nothing that feels as good with no strings attached as trying to help another person in this world.
I just want anyone reading this to know that it´s possible to remain sober even in extremely dark times. I thought I was going to crack a day or two into this fucking mess but I´m still here. I am now in a bit of a limbo situation as I have no idea what is happening with this delay from my work. It seems inevitable that this place has to open. I´m praying that they are not going to try to screw me after telling me they´d pay me for the facilities help. Who the hell knows at this point.
Life is hard for all of us right now. I would really encourage everyone to be grateful for what they have. This include me. I´m grateful that I´m not addicted to Fentanyl. I´m grateful that I can walk upright most days (Lupus/Arthritis). I´m grateful I have my people in AA and everyone here on Bluelight and I´m grateful that I have the ability to still give something. I also would encourage everyone to start a savings account as things are likely to get much harder. I am going to keep on keeping on as Joe Dirt would say. That was my favorite movie as a kid. I will admit in moments of intense anxiety over these past weeks, I´ve watched it on repeat so I can imagine being a teenage again in a warm place before everything went to shit.
Stay safe out there everybody, the long march continues.
I´m currently in a shelter and I´m sharing a room with 3 other people. This place is dependent upon money, it is not free as I exceed income requirements from the past three quarters. It is expensive for what it is. was just able to move in and this was all of the combined resources I had available to me. They are supposed to have wifi, but it is not working which fucking blows so that means I currently have to leave that place to find wifi not to mention source food and everything else.
My phone was finally shut off a few days ago so it has been hard to post consistently. Now there are going to be late fees, fees to turn it back on and shit. Verizon are a bunch of bloodsuckers, seriously. I am under contract and feel like I have no choice. I have no credit whatsoever and never have been able to build it. I´ve only been living the adult life for 5 years or so now and it has taken time to learn basic skills. I do not want to have to get rid of my phone number as that is how so many people continue to reach me from different times in my life. I will probably have to get a prepaid deal when I´m able to.
I have started working for this company who operates drug rehabs. They are known as being ¨about the money¨ as they are a for-profit organization. They don´t have an awesome reputation. Still, I didn´t think that would preclude me from doing good work there. We were told that they are now delaying the opening until at least January 1st as there was paperwork that was not completed in time for the state and city. They have not been totally transparent whether they are going to pay us anything during this delay and that is worrisome to me.
I had been working there at this center helping them put together furniture and clean the place up, hauling trash doing all of the grunt stuff so I could make money prior to the opening. They had said they were going to pay me my full rate for doing so. I have direct deposit set up yet they still mailed a check to my parents´ house, so I spent an entire day going there only to find a check for 115.00 for what has amounted to 30 hours of work. My rate is stated to be 29/hr. My phone is meanwhile shut off so I cannot call anyone or rather, they can´t call me back and nobody has responded yet to my emails.
That was a big punch to the stomach, as that was going to be enough to pay my exhorbitant cell phone bill and get some real food. I´ve been eating nothing but donated food and I can´t eat anymore peanut butter or I´m gonna puke at this point. I´m also feeling like if i steal any more food from the stores around here, I could potentially get burned down, so it´s not as if I would feel badly about it. The last thing I need to add to my life right now are charges of any kind. I have a clean criminal record thanks to luck and divine providence in my life, so I don´t want to tempt that kindness to much.
This is how I´m living. Most of the homeless people here are so easily identifiable that they don´t even have a chance at getting in and stealing without being caught. They just assign someone to follow them immediately. It´s a pretty degrading sight. I may have said this already, but the laundromats and Dunkin Donuts have security guards that basically shoo people away if they are not directly spending money on services. I guess that is their right, but it´s pretty fucking dystopian.
I encounter people out on the street who have stayed at the shelters I helped manage. I always prided myself on treating them like my equals. It empowered them, made me feel great and actually made the functioning of the shelter much easier. When rules and consequences are not enough with an addict, sometimes it´s love and kindness that will convince them there is a reason to come around and be chill. I see them outside all the time and they all say hi to me. They all assume that I´m doing better than them. There is something that is just soul-crushing about having to tell them that I´m back at the bottom of the barrel when I feel some of them have genuine respect for me.
Every day that I´m around, either using the services or getting free food, I know that the faces are recognizing me. I know that I´m slowly being taken on as a member of the homeless community because, well, I´m basically one of them in every way right now. The only thing I´ve got is sobriety. That is what enables me to keep coming on here, talking to you all and helping out when I can. That help that I give is part of what keeps me human. I know a lot of you are familiar with these feelings. There is nothing that feels as good with no strings attached as trying to help another person in this world.
I just want anyone reading this to know that it´s possible to remain sober even in extremely dark times. I thought I was going to crack a day or two into this fucking mess but I´m still here. I am now in a bit of a limbo situation as I have no idea what is happening with this delay from my work. It seems inevitable that this place has to open. I´m praying that they are not going to try to screw me after telling me they´d pay me for the facilities help. Who the hell knows at this point.
Life is hard for all of us right now. I would really encourage everyone to be grateful for what they have. This include me. I´m grateful that I´m not addicted to Fentanyl. I´m grateful that I can walk upright most days (Lupus/Arthritis). I´m grateful I have my people in AA and everyone here on Bluelight and I´m grateful that I have the ability to still give something. I also would encourage everyone to start a savings account as things are likely to get much harder. I am going to keep on keeping on as Joe Dirt would say. That was my favorite movie as a kid. I will admit in moments of intense anxiety over these past weeks, I´ve watched it on repeat so I can imagine being a teenage again in a warm place before everything went to shit.
Stay safe out there everybody, the long march continues.
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SeekingOblivion
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2025
- Messages
- 303
Probably you joined late in the pay period and that was one day’s pay after taxes etc. unfortunate though certainly.
@SeekingOblivion yes, I´m uber paranoid right now. I´m not making judgement on anything prior to evidence. When you´re in a sketchy situation and something like this happens, it´s easy to get worked up over. I think I have little faith in for-profit rehabilitation and that informs my opinion of this place. It sucks having little faith in the organization itself, yet you still believe you can do some good working within it. I´m still developing my philosophy on all of this. I´ve heard a lot of negatives about these guys, including working for them, but this was billed as a ¨new start¨ in so many ways. We will just have to wait and see.
I´ll add for that matter that the only places I´ve ever actually ¨believed in¨ from top down have been the schools I worked for. It seemed like literally every one truly was there for the students. Working in human services, it seems like people are there for every reason under the sun; social currency, self-esteem, etc. So I guess I haven´t ever had a ton of faith in any of these places, so I might as well try to make the best of it.
I´ll add for that matter that the only places I´ve ever actually ¨believed in¨ from top down have been the schools I worked for. It seemed like literally every one truly was there for the students. Working in human services, it seems like people are there for every reason under the sun; social currency, self-esteem, etc. So I guess I haven´t ever had a ton of faith in any of these places, so I might as well try to make the best of it.
maryanne77
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2024
- Messages
- 76
They need you ! Reviews will be better when you're there .
Please stay safe and keep us all updated as best you can.00
(I had my last drink on december 15th. Now that I think about it, that's exactly 2 months after a certain day.
Every day I can keep from drinking, I'll raise a glass of grape juice/hot chocolate/Dr. Pepper in your honor.)
(I had my last drink on december 15th. Now that I think about it, that's exactly 2 months after a certain day.
Every day I can keep from drinking, I'll raise a glass of grape juice/hot chocolate/Dr. Pepper in your honor.)
Thanks for the replies everybody. @bvc you have no idea how good that makes me feel dude. I get a lot of surrogate happiness these days from my Bluelight peeps, Anybody who stops drinking is another person that can do more good in this world. I´m glad you´re thinking of me as you´re doing good for yourself. That´s exactly what Kief stands for!
I´m probably getting to the end of this blog. I don´t want my entire presence on here to be nothing but a self-pity party. Life is getting pretty fucked up out there. I see how much everyone is struggling right now. You see more and more people walking the streets in Burlington who are obviously homeless. They are wearing multiple coats, sometimes wrapped in blankets... I literally saw a fucking guy walking around in the goddamn snow wearing one shoe, with just a sock on the other foot. Nobody really cares. I feel like the separation of the classes is becoming so obvious. There is a class of people with vehicles, shopping as they normally do for Christmas, taking flights to visit family; then there is the very discernible underclass, spending their time finding free meals, sleeping in cars that are no longer road worthy.
I was at the supermarket yesterday, stealing food. I walk out and I see a guy who used to stay at the Waystation when I worked there. At that time, I´m pretty sure he was a drunk. He was just aimless, though he was always friendly and always wanted to chat. He struck me as a good dude. He was working at the supermarket as a security guard, with a totally new look about him. He didn´t look like the same drunk I used to know. He pulled me aside, I assumed to catch up. He was actually being a friend and warning me out of kindness that I´d be trespassed and that any of the past few times I had been taking dinner from the store, they would´ve called the cops on me if they had had the time. Holy fucking shit. I have a completely clean criminal record aside from a DWI 15 years ago. Now I´m trespassed from the only store within walking distance. Fuck man.
Shit continues to pile up. One thing has led to another and I´m now fighting with my employer over 9 days or so of pay. We were using Paycom to log our hours. Well, the timeclock wasn´t working. We couldn´t log in. So we were told to email our hours and I eventually got an email stating I was only going to be paid for hours logged into the time clock. Basically, they are screwing me without any regard for right or wrong. The rumor is that this place has mismanaged the budget and they are now laying people off, not paying them for hours worked and then hiring new employees. I´ve only been able to talk to one other guy, as he was the only person whose number I ever got. He has not been paid for training hours or the work he has done either.
We have not been fired, but there is no way to continue working for an organization that is that shady. The sad thing is, they are only able to do this because they were given grant money from the Opioid Settlements. This for-profit organization got this money and they have apparently fucked it up. We have had our opening date pushed back twice and now I´m not even sure if they are going to open. It is possible someone else might be brought in to open this place. I was already pretty much fucked financially, hoping to crawl out from this bullshit using the job I´ve been diligently attending. Now, I´m forced to figure something else out. This means, I was expecting enough money to live on, turn my phone back on, actually pay for food at the grocery store... this place that is supposed to be helping people is screwing people over. What is this world coming to?
I can´t help but feel this is what the world is coming to. This organization is capitalist. I think they know that the state is so backlogged with bullshit that anyone trying to complain would have to spend six months corresponding with the department of labor over a couple weeks of pay. I think they are counting on nobody to give a shit about us and for us not to take the time to follow through. I intend to follow through though. I´m not going to let it go and I will get everything they owe me.
In other news, I am now working at a Sunoco station at the deli for 18.00hr in anticipation that I will not be able to do this job anymore. How could I? I´ve got four hours on the books. I´m likely only going to have 8 more before the pay period ends, then another two weeks of fucking scraping. I have interviews scheduled with other organizations in the area. I´ve got two thus far. One is for individuals under 25, essentially a youth-oriented shelter in Burlington. I then have a virtual interview with a place 2 hours away from here that say they would help with relocation. I´m continuing to try to find better opportunities while I continue to survive.
I´m a former teacher and I have a college education. I have years of experience in social work now also. I don´t believe I deserve a better life than anyone else. I just want my life´s work to speak for something. I would like to have a stable place to live. I wish I could afford to get my brothers things for Christmas. We are all witnessing a major economic downturn and nobody is safe, except apparently those who have money. I don´t hate on anyone just because they do. I wish our entire society would be more egalitarian, without the 0.1% at the top controlling so much; wasting so much.
It´s going to be a fucking difficult Christmas. I don´t celebrate, but I have people in my life who do. They invite me over to their places to eat. I am pretty much living the life of a hobo, wishing I could show up with some self-esteem, self-confidence, but now it´s like I don´t even want to go. It´s just too fucking depressing. It makes me feel like all of this is my fault. Why am I so fucked right now? Probably a lot of my own responsiblity. Even I feel that way about myself. I feel like it´s all ultimately my fault.
I´m not really sure what is going to happen next. I´m grateful for all of my friends, both here on Bluelight and in my day-to-day life. I´m grateful that I´m not dead yet. I´m grateful that I have the opportunity to interview for some better jobs. I am hungry and tired though. I´m hungry for fucking stability and feeling like I matter again in this world. It sucks feeling like some refuse at the bottom of society.
I hope everyone has a good Christmas and New Year´s. Times are hard right now, but it´s not over until the fat lady sings. Keep spreading kindness out there in this world guys, everybody out there needs it. I know we all need it. I know Keif is by far not the only one having a shitty holiday season right now. Until next time.
I´m probably getting to the end of this blog. I don´t want my entire presence on here to be nothing but a self-pity party. Life is getting pretty fucked up out there. I see how much everyone is struggling right now. You see more and more people walking the streets in Burlington who are obviously homeless. They are wearing multiple coats, sometimes wrapped in blankets... I literally saw a fucking guy walking around in the goddamn snow wearing one shoe, with just a sock on the other foot. Nobody really cares. I feel like the separation of the classes is becoming so obvious. There is a class of people with vehicles, shopping as they normally do for Christmas, taking flights to visit family; then there is the very discernible underclass, spending their time finding free meals, sleeping in cars that are no longer road worthy.
I was at the supermarket yesterday, stealing food. I walk out and I see a guy who used to stay at the Waystation when I worked there. At that time, I´m pretty sure he was a drunk. He was just aimless, though he was always friendly and always wanted to chat. He struck me as a good dude. He was working at the supermarket as a security guard, with a totally new look about him. He didn´t look like the same drunk I used to know. He pulled me aside, I assumed to catch up. He was actually being a friend and warning me out of kindness that I´d be trespassed and that any of the past few times I had been taking dinner from the store, they would´ve called the cops on me if they had had the time. Holy fucking shit. I have a completely clean criminal record aside from a DWI 15 years ago. Now I´m trespassed from the only store within walking distance. Fuck man.
Shit continues to pile up. One thing has led to another and I´m now fighting with my employer over 9 days or so of pay. We were using Paycom to log our hours. Well, the timeclock wasn´t working. We couldn´t log in. So we were told to email our hours and I eventually got an email stating I was only going to be paid for hours logged into the time clock. Basically, they are screwing me without any regard for right or wrong. The rumor is that this place has mismanaged the budget and they are now laying people off, not paying them for hours worked and then hiring new employees. I´ve only been able to talk to one other guy, as he was the only person whose number I ever got. He has not been paid for training hours or the work he has done either.
We have not been fired, but there is no way to continue working for an organization that is that shady. The sad thing is, they are only able to do this because they were given grant money from the Opioid Settlements. This for-profit organization got this money and they have apparently fucked it up. We have had our opening date pushed back twice and now I´m not even sure if they are going to open. It is possible someone else might be brought in to open this place. I was already pretty much fucked financially, hoping to crawl out from this bullshit using the job I´ve been diligently attending. Now, I´m forced to figure something else out. This means, I was expecting enough money to live on, turn my phone back on, actually pay for food at the grocery store... this place that is supposed to be helping people is screwing people over. What is this world coming to?
I can´t help but feel this is what the world is coming to. This organization is capitalist. I think they know that the state is so backlogged with bullshit that anyone trying to complain would have to spend six months corresponding with the department of labor over a couple weeks of pay. I think they are counting on nobody to give a shit about us and for us not to take the time to follow through. I intend to follow through though. I´m not going to let it go and I will get everything they owe me.
In other news, I am now working at a Sunoco station at the deli for 18.00hr in anticipation that I will not be able to do this job anymore. How could I? I´ve got four hours on the books. I´m likely only going to have 8 more before the pay period ends, then another two weeks of fucking scraping. I have interviews scheduled with other organizations in the area. I´ve got two thus far. One is for individuals under 25, essentially a youth-oriented shelter in Burlington. I then have a virtual interview with a place 2 hours away from here that say they would help with relocation. I´m continuing to try to find better opportunities while I continue to survive.
I´m a former teacher and I have a college education. I have years of experience in social work now also. I don´t believe I deserve a better life than anyone else. I just want my life´s work to speak for something. I would like to have a stable place to live. I wish I could afford to get my brothers things for Christmas. We are all witnessing a major economic downturn and nobody is safe, except apparently those who have money. I don´t hate on anyone just because they do. I wish our entire society would be more egalitarian, without the 0.1% at the top controlling so much; wasting so much.
It´s going to be a fucking difficult Christmas. I don´t celebrate, but I have people in my life who do. They invite me over to their places to eat. I am pretty much living the life of a hobo, wishing I could show up with some self-esteem, self-confidence, but now it´s like I don´t even want to go. It´s just too fucking depressing. It makes me feel like all of this is my fault. Why am I so fucked right now? Probably a lot of my own responsiblity. Even I feel that way about myself. I feel like it´s all ultimately my fault.
I´m not really sure what is going to happen next. I´m grateful for all of my friends, both here on Bluelight and in my day-to-day life. I´m grateful that I´m not dead yet. I´m grateful that I have the opportunity to interview for some better jobs. I am hungry and tired though. I´m hungry for fucking stability and feeling like I matter again in this world. It sucks feeling like some refuse at the bottom of society.
I hope everyone has a good Christmas and New Year´s. Times are hard right now, but it´s not over until the fat lady sings. Keep spreading kindness out there in this world guys, everybody out there needs it. I know we all need it. I know Keif is by far not the only one having a shitty holiday season right now. Until next time.