Need friends, dealing with a breakup & a rock bottom with a shovel!

[tokayeahok]

hey guys. been on here since i was 14 and am just going through quite a bit and would love friends to meet / talk to. I’m recovering from a relapse, withdrawals, and my partner blindsiding me completely and it feels like I’ve been hit by a truck in my chest. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. My chest hurts so much. I’ve got blankets on the bathroom floor and just can’t stop sobbing. She was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

I just have no support at all. I had an emergency doctors appointment today and am on a slew of psychiatric meds stacked already in my wellbutrin, suboxone & gabapentin. Added hydroxyzine and lexapro.

I’m an electronic music and have done some stuff recently with a few members of the band ‘The 1975’ and the duality of working with a band that large but having no friends irl and living in a cabin in the countryside away from everyone is such a strange feeling. day 3 off of opioids and im doing okay. 32mg of suboxone is doing the trick.

my heart just hurts so i figured i’d just reach out.


thanks
jon

 

[Teaviii08]

Hey Jon. I'm brand new here again but reading your post I'll definitely reply and am happy to chat and be a mate. I went through a extremely life changing break up less then a year ago and I'm still getting used to it. Although it's pretty much entirely due to missing being with my daughter every day but it's still a massive change so I hear ya bro.. Alot of what you said is mad relatable man. I was on Lexapro for the longest time and was on 24mg Suboxone for years. I eventually kicked it for my kid and had a few injections with buvidol and also if had sublocade shots and I'm completely opiate free rn. If soboxpne kicks your ass qhen you don't have it I assure you the injections for couple months then stop is so much more comfortable.
Man I know shit sucks now but you'll get through this and come out stronger. Your ex prolly don't know what she's missen. I'm not sure if anything I'm writing here is helpful but don't think that your always alone. Like you I've been around blue-light for fucking years and from what I see most people are kind here. I'm sure you'll come out the other side of this saga happier then ever.
Feel free to contact me if you need a or want to chat more bro
Teav

 

[emkee_reinvented]

Erased my first reply it was long and in way to deep, still i don t advise you read it till the bottom, it could aid in feeling miserable. It s not pretty and changed my view on Privacy & Law & people in general. The Laws seem t be on paper only, but in reality not actively pursued. And people working for organisation like the Cops or Child care lack any form of intergity. So it might also make you lose hope, let me be a solitary case is what i hope. Seems not to be the case in this fucked reality !

Another 2 brother s in a disaster relationship, the tail of it, maybe akin to devastating ?
It devastated me, a few BAD Life Changing Event s [LCE] after some good LCE s.
[my kid s born]Coupled with little support, that sound s familiar, the support i had was mainly for me. No one had a clue what was going on behind the scene s.

Basickly till here should be sufficient. but i am here for support. @tokayeahok
[you can also PM me] eMKEe

​

----------------------- < -> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Took me year s of digging to get to the truth which was more absurdistic then anyone would figure out. A Lawyer or maybe a 'experience expert' might have puzzled it out ?
To me the situation was un-thinkable. A through Kafka-esque scenario.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/Kafkaesque
I have to still read the book s he has written. Need to get a library card !

Hurt me bad, but was way worse for my Kid s off-course.
They are the innocent but were not taken in account.

On paper only a children judge is allowed to court order for separation.
From one or both their parent s ! So its basically the cops playing Judge Dredd.

But it was all done on assumption of two false notification s against me by my ex.
Who did it to force me to put myself aside and just do the every 2 weekend Daddy thing. But she got the opposite. I was denied contact with my kid s. By the Cop s,
before the rest. But the cop s spread the false notification s among all other organisation s. Including my landlord i found out.

My ex -neighbour a psychopath, ex Heroin/ Crack addict now reformed Alcoholic.
Did one to, and as i had a bad reputation already as my ex her 2 false one s had become fact s it was just. Added to the list, as it was already clear:
i was the BAD GUY

Gonna stop now, you catch the drift i am in a lot of unnecessary bullshit.
Because of it, and it s a catch-22 as if i would try to clean my record.
I am risking not only 2 fines for my ex for doing false notification s.
They may find her unfit for parenthood to. And put my kids under state care.
So it s fucked, especially for my kids who did nothing to deserve this shit.

 

[tokayeahok]

Hey Jon. I'm brand new here again but reading your post I'll definitely reply and am happy to chat and be a mate. I went through a extremely life changing break up less then a year ago and I'm still getting used to it. Although it's pretty much entirely due to missing being with my daughter every day but it's still a massive change so I hear ya bro.. Alot of what you said is mad relatable man. I was on Lexapro for the longest time and was on 24mg Suboxone for years. I eventually kicked it for my kid and had a few injections with buvidol and also if had sublocade shots and I'm completely opiate free rn. If soboxpne kicks your ass qhen you don't have it I assure you the injections for couple months then stop is so much more comfortable.
Man I know shit sucks now but you'll get through this and come out stronger. Your ex prolly don't know what she's missen. I'm not sure if anything I'm writing here is helpful but don't think that your always alone. Like you I've been around blue-light for fucking years and from what I see most people are kind here. I'm sure you'll come out the other side of this saga happier then ever.
Feel free to contact me if you need a or want to chat more bro
Teav

thanks for your reply man. really appreciate that xx yeah when i decide to come off, i’ll go the sublocade route. probably in a year or so? I’ll have to save up too since I don’t have health insurance, which is an issue - but knowing it’s costly and that I have a good job is enough for me to be confident that i’ll be able to afford it when i’m ready to come off. either way; yeah I gotta stay on these high doses right now. I’m on wellbutrin, lexapro, suboxone, & hydroxyzine. Also take gabapentin and i’m finally just starting to numb this whole thing. It’s so bad I just want to numb. Not by narcotics or nitazenes/fent analogues like I’ve always done, but just a medically-induced numbness. This has been the hardest break up // split i’ve ever had. I’ve just been sitting here writing on paper, playing guitar and crying in between them, literally screaming from my bathtub, and it’s just all too much right now. to be discarded by a text and then immediately blocked on every single shared platform, isn’t like her at all and I didn’t even get to say anything. This would’ve been far more okay if she just would’ve told me like ‘hey i need space right now so im going to step away from the relationship to be sustainable’ but she did something I never expected. it was cold and it burns really really bad

 

[Blowmonkey]

She was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

We've all been there. Maybe she wasn't if she does this shit to you though.

This has been the hardest break up // split i’ve ever had. I’ve just been sitting here writing on paper, playing guitar and crying in between them, literally screaming from my bathtub, and it’s just all too much right now. to be discarded by a text and then immediately blocked on every single shared platform, isn’t like her at all and I didn’t even get to say anything. This would’ve been far more okay if she just would’ve told me like ‘hey i need space right now so im going to step away from the relationship to be sustainable’ but she did something I never expected. it was cold and it burns really really bad

Sounds damn familiar. I've been screaming so much I sound like Barry White right now, bet we could put a badass band together. She made up her mind a while ago it seems like, the most painful thing is that you can't even talk about it with her, being blocked and ignored is just her way of coping, in her eyes it's probably easier than having a potential difficult confrontation. Maybe she'll change her mind after a while, maybe not. Don't depend on it, you can't do much else now than what you've been doing really, you're still grieving hard, shit takes time, sometimes way too much time.

 

[tokayeahok]

We've all been there. Maybe she wasn't if she does this shit to you though.

Sounds damn familiar. I've been screaming so much I sound like Barry White right now, bet we could put a badass band together. She made up her mind a while ago it seems like, the most painful thing is that you can't even talk about it with her, being blocked and ignored is just her way of coping, in her eyes it's probably easier than having a potential difficult confrontation. Maybe she'll change her mind after a while, maybe not. Don't depend on it, you can't do much else now than what you've been doing really, you're still grieving hard, shit takes time, sometimes way too much time.

Thanks man I genuinely don’t think she made up her mind a long time ago, and i’ve got my reasons, i just don’t have enough energy to type it all out. I don’t wanna rehash stuff right now just because i’m so raw and in shock.
.

 

[tokayeahok]

It’s been 74 hours since I was discarded. I have to work tomorrow, and thankfully it’s a half-day. I’m just in pure shock.

 

[kiely]

I am sorry that you are going through such devastating circumstances. Life is like that and relationships are even worse than life itself it seems sometimes. I am sorry that sounded so harsh. I wish you all of the best and everything that you deserve in life.

We are very lucky when we can find one person that we can hold on with to be there for us. And even forever sometimes. I know it is a good feeling and I truly understand you. You are so good at posting and very focused. We always have enjoyed you here too.

I am sorry it is going to be such a great loss for both of you. Sometimes it is so intense that it cannot be explained or even understood. It seems that this was very hurtful to you intentionally. I am glad that you are talking it through with this.


She just put your relationship status on hold. You are still young and you will find someone.

I remember you from the H & R thread always. I remember when we noticed @somnilicious just disappeared. And didn't say goodbye or anything about not returning to BL Forum.

Just left. And that was so kind of you to mention him and that you are worried. I kind of worried too but others say he will leave a lot and then come back.

You were worried about him not posting. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be involved in a relationship irl with someone that just left and said nothing at all to you in your life together.

I can't even imagine that despair and debilitating feeling. That is absolute devastation for sure.

I always remember somnilicious just disappearing too. But in a committed real life relationship would be like a horrifying stab wound. A bad one. A real bad one. I am glad you are here holding on somehow and to let us know somehow that you can get through all of this stuff together.

 

[kiely]

It is, really, and does feel important that we can have a choice about relationships too. And we see that there can even be monogamy everywhere, all of the time. And it is a version of how we can live our lives. However it also is not the only way.

It may be good and important to have these conversations with a partner kind of early in. When it may be more conflicting to have to bring up things later on. Try to find how you want to structure your lives together. Especially if you're going to commit yourself to one person, one primary person, one exclusive person.

Then you don't have to lie to each other if you do cheat. You can go about it in that way that there's, you know, a certain capacity to be honest about whom you're attracted to and how that can impact your life so enormously.

 

[kiely]

But it can be an infinitely long project to really understand another person. It might have just been a pattern for her.
Or it was all lust. Maybe trying to be some kind of fantasy and not a real person.

How sad that now you have to see the truth. That's quite a shift to happen so fast like that.

Maybe that is the game she plays and everyone always falls for it until she can find the perfect supply for her own personal needs exclusively.

That's not how it works. I would never hurt anyone like that who I really cared for. Just don't feed her ego to give her that much power anymore. Obviously you can't though because she's gone somewhere and ran away.

 

[kiely]

In adulthood, we have to build our emotional capacity to be unperturbed by any unfair shit thrown at us. That comes with building our self-esteem.

I would love to learn how to do that. And onward we go, always learning, aiming to be a better version of ourselves.


Absolutely. It is difficult. However, a start can be to try to learn by understanding the psychology of immaturity, bullying and sociopathy of the predators that feed on others for their own advantage. And I know @emkee_reinvented knows exactly how I feel as well. haha

It might take a long time or patience to actually put this into practice; but well worth the effort. I find that BL Forum is a really good way to ' connect.' with others and relate to issues anyway.

I agree that learning this is to equate to not being a doormat to something or someone that needs to work on themself by trying to be human and by what has been done to you by her. We should not ever let people doormat us like that.

 

[kiely]

It can be, and I mean, all relationships can be difficult to navigate. Sure. So if you're going in because you're trying to fix something about yourself, you're going to have a hard time even.

If you're trying to fix something, and this is going to be the solution to the thing that you feel is broken about yourself, it's going to be very rough.

But if you're going in, coming from a good place, and you're going, you know, "I want to be open, and I want to connect with people, and I want to love people or a person," then you're probably going to have a better time.

And that is difficult enough even in that good place too.

 

[kiely]

No one should ever try to play us by controlling us, taking our power, self respect and peace by putting us intentionally in those situations.

Learn to be who you really are meant to be. Learn not to let anyone put you into the situation of those ugly constraints. Do what makes you happy!

Say no to things and peeps, because you want to not because it’s right or wrong! You have to find comfort with who you are.

You won’t believe the happiness that will fill your soul ! How healthy you’ll become, and all the great things that will follow when you start putting yourself first and loving yourself the way your body and mind requires you to for it to be fully functioning!

And then to being that independent when someone proceeds to inflict you with particular types of manipulating ill behavior.

Someone like that is not worth your time and all of your good energy anymore. We just have to learn how to get over that type of repugnance and disgust like that.

We all just have to figure it out one way or another eventually. Real power is staying calm when they expect you to crack.

And all this extra input many times, it's actually appreciated too. But we have to start working on this right now and always.

I would like to learn the art of self-empathy and meditation to be able to observe those thoughts, even judgements that take hold of us. And then reconnect with the emotional layer that has so much ability to transform to and discover the needs that they point to in us all.

Yes, and not having to have the problem of balancing and being able to advocate for one self by not getting rolled over on and defiled. And please just smile and keep your head up. You are worth it.

Don't let others try to convince you how powerful they are. We have to learn how to ignore others' garbage somehow. Please don't internalize this abuse.

Actions speak louder than words ever will.... In every aspect of life!

Someone telling you, oh good job might feel good. And that's okay for that to feel good. It should never, however, redefine or help you to define your worth or who you really are.

Counseling and spirituality can help in this equation also to redirect our abilities.

One day at a time. It's exhausting.

Just don't confuse desire with value. Value who you are. Not someone tries to be vindictive to you. Habits take practice, even good ones.

 

[kiely]

If they're unwilling to do what's necessary to create a healthy relationship to one exclusive person and commitment.
You don't need to be entertaining them. If you're looking for something serious, if you're looking for something real, you cannot entertain temporary people.

So, you have to start to evaluate very quickly. ... Who just likes the idea of being with you versus who is actually trying to be with you.

There's maybe much more to it than that, but do start with that foundational piece because so many people
get caught up in the attention they get from someone.

Getting caught up in the desire that person expresses, but is that individual that isn't actually putting in the real work, isn't doing their part, and isn't healthy enough to have a good relationship with you for these needs. And you have to look at yourself, are you even healthy enough right now !

But either way, we've got to be smarter, be wiser about who we engage with, and who we try to establish real relationships with
because some people are just here for a temporary time. Some people are just trying to waste your time. Some people are just trying to get what they can get ... and then be out. Be mindful of that.

Don't let your time be wasted. Don't let your energy be wasted. Don't let your peace and sanity be taken from you.
And always understand that many will want you, few will invest in you, and, of course, do not confuse their desire from them instead of them actually truly valuing you.

 

[kiely]

We live in a time where Machiavellian is at an all time high, and is very important to study the history of these types. And that they exist and have always existed and what it looks like to avoid these types potentially at all costs.

They do the worst, most horrible things and instead of feeling guilty they justify, deny or blame shift to someone else, they have no accountability, no empathy no remorse and no morality, they are the closest thing to pure evil and they walk amongst us as wolves in sheep's clothing and they live to ruin others lives.

They literally do everything to produce a result that isn't praise and love, but hate and/or misery or fear work instead. They are the ones who psychologically and emotionally torment someone. They are emotionally and many times physically abusive by default. There is no communication with them, they don't listen and they don't care to, no matter how bad things are.

Even literally licensed therapist and psychologist say it's almost completely impossible to change or fix these types of people and therapy often makes them worse because now they have new fancy psychology words to use to twist the truth and gaslight with.

They start off as your best friend or the best partner and this is their trap. Once they know you care about them they treat you like a fish on a hook. And then it's all a game to them. Then you have to just not play along anymore somehow from what they have caused.

Stay safe out there everyone.

 

[kiely]

Sometimes it is better to meet people with the same interests, hobbies and thinking abilities to be committed and invest in each other consistently on a daily basis whenever possible with the best of both of your abilities. Together.

Don't get committed to someone that is playing many mind games with you. That only just loves cheek.

Never ever give in to their delusion. Con artists who focus on romance expose the essence of all that attracts one person to another sometimes.

It's that superficial charm. That ends up being nothing but problematic in the end though !!!

Sometimes the deal breaker sadly has to be for people to analyze their partner selection criteria more carefully.
Unfortunately. And very highly relatable to so many of us all.

They don't understand that people are not objects. They are childish grown people. And they will blame you for what they did. Yikes !! And then make you believe that you are the crazy one !! That was my mil.

So we can make this thread a big relationship by keeping it real and everything else can be secondary. haha. I've had and have love in my life but my life has come to pass already very much too but am very happy for many memories and experiences of all that has been and done as well.

 

[kiely]

It hurts and there are others that will never understand. Please do not give up; be not as they would mold you.

Each day is a gift... But they don't see the bruises on your heart.

You can't keep thinking the person will change after all the empty promises and lies and discarding.

You're better off not having awful people around. Especially someone who drained your energy.

But being happy would be nice. I have learned and am still learning that life isn’t often fair.

And for some Love is, I think, seen as a weakness. But then that is not for us in our world at all.

The good news is, you got away! Yes and dodged that horrible bullet too.

Hopefully negative thoughts no longer can still make me angry. I am glad though to say my time is past.

Give yourself a time to heal. Treat yourself. Be good to yourself. Move on with your life.

Being happy is the best revenge. I hope your next love will be a real love.

 

[kiely]

Thank you for reading my book ! Haha. Much appreciated.

 

[emkee_reinvented]

We live in a time where Machiavellian is at an all time high, and is very important to study the history of these types. And that they exist and have always existed and what it looks like to avoid these types potentially at all costs.

Thank s for bringing a for me totally new thing in the picture. Studying it now

Does fit my h-EX like a glove, i should forgive her and myself with going along in it way to far. But forgiving need s to be sincere, don t think it will work when it s a lie upon manipulation. And it s hard to talk it out with ... . It is bizarre how good these people get at manipulating. Or how susceptible human s are for being manipulated. i think it s a genetic/ nurture treat. The perpetrator seek s out in the partner. But also victim, i wasn t perfect. One caveat !

Another caveat i was never learned about Emotional/ Psychological Abuse. While the effect s are as bad as Physical/ Sexual Abuse.

I am very hard to manipulate, very stubborn and by chance tought the different techniques on school, so i never accepted her manipulation. But at the same time never considered that she used them naturally. The main reason they were natural,
she had no clue about manipulating like self for-filling prophecies. And bad citation s.

Denying a grown up talk/ playing DUMMY. Two a famous ones 1

"according to ... and ..., you should get shit together/ work. Atm you are a ... "

And 2

 

[kiely]

Thank you for commenting. I'm kind of slow. Lovin the song though. I appreciate that.