I rarely post publicly about these things
Don t hold back ! For me it been isolation, no gloves but i loved the mask. Nobody could directly detect my self-medicating. But COVID came and i was all prepared.
It felt like finally everyone was in the same boat. Though i was in it a year before.
Never got COVID
, but my contact with the outside world was actually improved by it. Seemed like everyone shared isolation with me.
This might be normal, as we all live our one life s, and friendship s based on gaming. Or not liking games in my case, but loving drug s. And doing self medicating.
Old bond s kinda drift away from each other. Mental instability didn t help either.
Before i d die, i am melancholic since my 50-ties.
Bought some LP s with a ex-best friend. Hard for me to let it rest.
Always seem s to come to my mind when down.
And i take action reach out and ask what happened with our legacy.
He doesn t get my drift. Want s to pick up the friendship,
come over [WTF for the ..-th time]. I don t need that kinda stress.
I am way past fake smiles, or POLITE-ness.
Even Dutch get this, instead of directness.
Exposed to fake lives for 20 year s they kinda lost realness
i am not capable of having him & wife/ kid, he missed my whole point.
As during those 20 year s i learned the hard way who i am,
and the world around react s on me. Wouldn t force it on him either my misery.
The reply was lacklustre "
i don t get what you are writing ?"
Wrote a wall of word s to him.
[of-course he doesn t know me anymore and vice-versa, 20 year s after]
but one of my most important relationships is crumbling and the person in question is avoidant. I don't know how much silence I can handle after putting in effort, not perfect but (I hope) kind. I've relapsed on basically all fronts (ED, SH, prescription abuse) and feel myself slipping into depression. I don't want to be awake at all so I'm hoping to sleep through all of today but my stash is running low and it will become noticeable. I go to therapy but everyone around me is so used to me being a nutcase (since I turned around 14 so 5 years ago) and as such I don't get taken seriously by caregivers, and my mental health has made me lose the best friend group I've had , I really trusted them, but I was too unstable even when self medicated. I am so lost. How do you deal with such pain? No matter what I do I am always too ill to get close to people. I think I was never meant to be close to people at all sometimes.
Some of my small joys have been music and a particular game, but I feel repulsed by them, because the things I like started all this trouble. Sorry if this post is tagged incorrectly, and much love to everyone who is also struggling.
Gonna read this later, as they are renovating my home, must leave the crib.
To save my sanity. I am making new acquaintances slowly, but steady.
One been growing since i moved to this village, that s 8 year s.
Besides that i pretty much have no relation-ship s ,beside my Mom/ Granny.
But i consider Bluelight and individual member s very good substitute s.
They are not polite, more balanced toward s directness.
Which is needed. Solitude can make you loose feedback.
Which is needed from time to time !
Hope this isn t a to much a wall of word s again,
@mentholmigraine
