Quick Update: 42 Days Clean!
Not much to say other then letting anyone who's interested know that I have just hit 6 weeks clean- 42 days! I feel great, finally sleeping (!), and things are generally falling into place. Appetite is still way up. The fact that I can sleep pretty well is huge. My physical, emotional, and mental well being seems to be really settling into place now that I'm sleeping lol. My lack of sleep was absolutely anticipated but also absolutely sucked. So, things seem to really be settling into place now.
I've been continuing my daily meetings, shooting to complete a true 90 in 90. In 17 years of using I have never done a 90 in 90, and never even truly started any stepwork from 4 onward. So, while it feels corny to be touting my AA activity, I have to say that it feels good sticking with it so far. I never wanted to be an AA guy, but the truth is I've been trying to get (and stay) clean for this whole 17 years. I've tried every possible way, every possible process to get and stay clean, but the fact is it's always just failed. I've always just failed. So this time I'm giving it a real go and its working out well so far. I hit my meetings, call my sponsor, and have been moving steadily through the steps up to where I am now. I'm currently begining the process of writing out my 4th step. I'm officially in new territory here as I've never gotten this far, and really never made this much of an effort to just do what I'm told. At this point, I really don't care what I'm told to do. I don't care the effort it takes or the way I'm re arranging my priorities. It going well and I feel good. I'm also just so fucking tired of going through this cyclical process of detoxing, eeking out days/weeks of clean time only to eventually relapse and start using again.
Everyday that passes where I decide to NOT pick up is definitely slowly helping me build my confidence. At NO point in all these years have I thought about using, had the means to do so, and chose to NOT pickup. This is the case for a single day and a single decision, let alone 42 days straight.
Today is actually my birthday, and it's definitely caused me to do some deep reflecting. Every birthday for the last 17 years has been shit. Even the better ones, I was still facing another year of, having to pickup on my birthday just to not be sick. I have so many memories of being completely broke, lonely, hungry, tired and literally hopeless on my birthday. Being so sick that after begging my plug for a sympathy get well bag only to end up staying in bed all day. Each birthday- whether horrible, or just ok was always a day I'd look at my life and SWEAR that I'd get clean. I'd promise myself that that would be that last birthday I'd spend trapped in that hell- and for 17 years it NEVER happened.
So, I'm checking in today hopeful. With 42 days clean I'm well aware I don't have it all figured out. I'm not living a wildly different life, and by no means am I basking in a state of bliss lol. BUT- I'm eternally grateful, and very proud that for once I'm not sick on my birthday. I'm not juking and jiving to put something together just to make it through the day. And, I can finally look at where I'm at and be happy that definitive progress has been made. This is the first birthday I don't have to make empty promises to myself. I woke up well. I visited fam this past weekend- and I didn't have to ask for money to travel. I didn't have to plan ahead and bring dope with me. I didnt have to cover all my tracks and double check that I didn't leave any traces of anything behind after leaving. I was able to just go see my family and come back! No immediate uber to my plugs house from the airport upon arriving. I'm just living my life with a whole lot less nonsense.
By no means have I "Made it"... but it sure as shit is a good start. Again, each day that passes grows my confidence in myself to think that I may just be able to keep this going. Thanks again to all that helped, contributed here, or simply have been along for the ride. Everything in the last two months has in some way aided my efforts here. So thank you!
Hopeful that I'll be able to check in next week and post a "50 days clean" post, or whatever.