Awake at 4 AM

Two days away from my jail aka work. It’s something that for various reasons I decided to give 2 years to. If I don’t get canned. I am 1 month into 2 years. So that’s 47 more months. Hard not to spend my 2 days worrying about going back. So far, I just want to take my anxiety meds and sleep.
 
Saturday night in my quiet house. Just the AC humming and my dogs snoring. I am so glad to be off work tomorrow, but of course there’s the dread of returning on Monday. But today I ironically enough I loved going to my dentist as the nitrous oxide flowed plentifully for nearly 2 hours. And my teeth look and feel great now too.
 
It was my birthday last week and ironically I totally forgot except I opened the dmv sticker I ordered a while back today and realized I had forgot my birthday!
 
This is a quiet day before 1 more storm of work week. I could take my meds and forget the world. I had a migraine and sometimes those are almost a relief because I can just forget everything but the physical discomfort. Being alone in the dark all day is acceptable when you have a migraine. Face tingling, foot tingling, left nostril pouring, left eye hurting. The light makes me want to barf. Every smell is intense. Migraines are at least interesting, though at the end of the day it’s just another way our body betrays us.
 
Migraines on and off for 2 days. That was my weekend. Exhausted, throbbing eye, nausea. Relief in the dark and AC. My face goes numb on and off. Tomorrow morning back to jail. That is my word for work. I put my clothing and face on and pray to hold it together for the next 5 days.
 
I have considered dropping out of life for a few years because I can. In the wee hours of the morning, when it’s still dark and there’s just a hint of lavender where the sun will peak, I pass people who have really dropped out of life and can’t afford to. Under the overpass at light. One legged people, shopping carts stuffed with worthless loot from someone’s yard. A broken toys, a sprinkler, a deflated kiddie pool draped to make some kind of tent attached to the cart. They have dropped out by necessity. Or they’re still in the race and I haven’t given them the benefit of a doubt. Not that they’ll win, but they might not lose either.

I could afford some time, maybe 4 years without changing a habit. 10 if I pinched pennies. Just disappear in my house, in the back room. Get a treadmill , stay up to date on the world, not let my brain go to mush, write a book, forget love, forget people who have forgotten me. If I knew I could afford it indefinitely, I would. But since I am not a gambler, I’ll just keep losing on other peoples’ terms.
 
SeekingOblivion said:
A little reflection. I grew up in a mainly good home, though we didn’t have a lot of stuff that other people did. Later both my parents became handicapped from different diseases. Then things were difficult. I remember not understanding why people made fun of me for smelling bad at school. I literally didn’t understand that other people had fresh underwear daily. I thought fresh meant turning them inside out. I had lice and fleas a lot and got sent home. It’s on ok to laugh now because it’s the past. The upside now though is that I really appreciate everything. Brush, floss, mouthwash, and I think how nice it feels to have a clean mouth and how good each product is. I always smell my soap as I shower (nothing fancy, just a body wash from Walmart) and think it is luxurious. I always appreciate wearing clean everything and having clean sheets, and the nice smell of detergent. Small things. I wonder if other people feel that way.
Click to expand...
My climate doesn t allow drying outside, takes more time but that ain t a problem.
I hate thing s that make live easier like a dryer, and they make your fresh wash take on a odour i dislike. Makes we wonder if it didn t waste the freshness of the Wash-machine. I used to hand-wash in my youth wonder if it smelled as bed as i imagine.

Lets hope not. Once a while io bring my wash to my Mom, and she would wash/ dry/ fold it. This washes smelled so fresh, like a sea-breeze. So eventually i got my wash routine as should. Got Wash-machine and despite trying different Detergent s. Even the most expensive Ecological powder s/ liquid would not match my Mom s:
Sea-breeze.

Well i was stuck, i have the Nose ! still have a very developed maybe overly working apparatus on my face. It s quite large so it should be working imo. Why have such a pronounced 'Smell-Organ' if it doesn t work. She shared me her magical wash routine creating that sea-breeze effect.

She used Neutral, a detergent with out a Perfume, its for people that have in-tolerances. My Mom has ? What no Perfume ? What was her secret ingredient.

We hung the Neutral wash outside on a line between two Apple trees.
When i got it of, the smell of Sea-breeze was there. She lives about 40 km from the Sea. In the dirty polluted city air, all air polluted i live near sea and it stinks here.

But it was the clue, her Perfume the same as mine, Sea-breeze not only dried my wash. It seemed revived by it, and overpowered pollution if there.

What you do in live taking care of your parents amazes me. Do you have help ?
Over here you have several system s, like Home Care and District Nursing.
There prime healthcare dr., isn t he involved ?

When i imagine myself under insomnia circumstance s doing what you do seem s.
To much responsibility for one person imo. Read s like you are alone taking care of yourself, Parent s, Dog, House and keeping up a job.

If something happens to you, who takes care of you and take the care momentarily over, if you are not able to. I wouldn t like other s at that point invading my system. Interfering, is very irritating when i haven t slept OK a few week s.

but in reality in your situation DIY is so heavy a burden, you shouldn t be doing this alone. any people around you got good contact with who might be able to help you.

Friend s or Family/ brother s or sister s ? I am the sole child, but a relative or good friend would be my first thought. In Netherlands there is nursing and care at home (district nursing) :heart6: to you SeekingOblivion

[sorry i make Wall s of text lately/ Just read in in part s.
Insomnia :rolleyes:, myusic appreciation and my smell were enhanced. The good side !]
 
emkee_reinvented said:
My climate doesn t allow drying outside, takes more time but that ain t a problem.
I hate thing s that make live easier like a dryer, and they make your fresh wash take on a odour i dislike. Makes we wonder if it didn t waste the freshness of the Wash-machine. I used to hand-wash in my youth wonder if it smelled as bed as i imagine.

Lets hope not. Once a while io bring my wash to my Mom, and she would wash/ dry/ fold it. This washes smelled so fresh, like a sea-breeze. So eventually i got my wash routine as should. Got Wash-machine and despite trying different Detergent s. Even the most expensive Ecological powder s/ liquid would not match my Mom s:
Sea-breeze.

Well i was stuck, i have the Nose ! still have a very developed maybe overly working apparatus on my face. It s quite large so it should be working imo. Why have such a pronounced 'Smell-Organ' if it doesn t work. She shared me her magical wash routine creating that sea-breeze effect.

She used Neutral, a detergent with out a Perfume, its for people that have in-tolerances. My Mom has ? What no Perfume ? What was her secret ingredient.

We hung the Neutral wash outside on a line between two Apple trees.
When i got it of, the smell of Sea-breeze was there. She lives about 40 km from the Sea. In the dirty polluted city air, all air polluted i live near sea and it stinks here.

But it was the clue, her Perfume the same as mine, Sea-breeze not only dried my wash. It seemed revived by it, and overpowered pollution if there.

What you do in live taking care of your parents amazes me. Do you have help ?
Over here you have several system s, like Home Care and District Nursing.
There prime healthcare dr., isn t he involved ?

When i imagine myself under insomnia circumstance s doing what you do seem s.
To much responsibility for one person imo. Read s like you are alone taking care of yourself, Parent s, Dog, House and keeping up a job.

If something happens to you, who takes care of you and take the care momentarily over, if you are not able to. I wouldn t like other s at that point invading my system. Interfering, is very irritating when i haven t slept OK a few week s.

but in reality in your situation DIY is so heavy a burden, you shouldn t be doing this alone. any people around you got good contact with who might be able to help you.

Friend s or Family/ brother s or sister s ? I am the sole child, but a relative or good friend would be my first thought. In Netherlands there is nursing and care at home (district nursing) :heart6: to you SeekingOblivion

[sorry i make Wall s of text lately/ Just read in in part s.
Insomnia :rolleyes:, myusic appreciation and my smell were enhanced. The good side !]
Click to expand...

Thank you dear. Idk why I am just seeing your kind and thoughtful post. Things could be a lot worse. Some days I am sad or wistful and complain too much. But by and large, I am grateful. ❤️
Edit
And to answer your question, doctors and systems are useless in these type of situations in the US. Though God bless the doctors who have helped my family with their health. It is each family or individual for themselves when it comes to the day to day caretaking stuff.
 
SeekingOblivion said:
Thank you dear. Idk why I am just seeing your kind and thoughtful post. Things could be a lot worse. Some days I am sad or wistful and complain too much. But by and large, I am grateful. ❤️
Edit
And to answer your question, doctors and systems are useless in these type of situations in the US. Though God bless the doctors who have helped my family with their health. It is each family or individual for themselves when it comes to the day to day caretaking stuff.
Click to expand...
That s shocking as my last job was helping people i situation s like your s.
In my outdated view your parent would get a indication for help their situation seems so severe. That it seems impossible to be handled by relatives especially when there are none or not enough.

Like in a mathematical equitation you have only so much 'carrying capacity' so if the 'load' is greater then. At a point i am afraid you are gonna be catch-ed up by the man with the hammer. As you can do a lot more then your capacity.

Some people are real good at going way beyond their strength for family and relatives. But at a point get stuck and gone to far. I winterised :unsure: witnissed it with client s.

And myself, Adrenaline could keep me going very long till i noticed i was running on E. Way to long.

You do more then a lot, and it seem s to totally rely on you. I d wish you have a physical someone around you can trust and tell this story too. Good spoke it out though. So there is no care facilitated for.

You mentioned 2 year you ll continue working, i assume the contract s are restricted to 2 year max. No contract s for indefinite time, that s happened here to. A lot of job s offer no guarantee. Profiting the employer not the employee. That is rotten.

Still amazing you also work. I lost my indefinite contract due to family circumstances.
My employer was in no way inclined to take that into account. Felt bit like a slave at that point. A cheap one you can discard.
 
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emkee_reinvented said:
My climate doesn t allow drying outside, takes more time but that ain t a problem.
I hate thing s that make live easier like a dryer, and they make your fresh wash take on a odour i dislike. Makes we wonder if it didn t waste the freshness of the Wash-machine. I used to hand-wash in my youth wonder if it smelled as bed as i imagine.

Lets hope not. Once a while io bring my wash to my Mom, and she would wash/ dry/ fold it. This washes smelled so fresh, like a sea-breeze. So eventually i got my wash routine as should. Got Wash-machine and despite trying different Detergent s. Even the most expensive Ecological powder s/ liquid would not match my Mom s:
Sea-breeze.

Well i was stuck, i have the Nose ! still have a very developed maybe overly working apparatus on my face. It s quite large so it should be working imo. Why have such a pronounced 'Smell-Organ' if it doesn t work. She shared me her magical wash routine creating that sea-breeze effect.

She used Neutral, a detergent with out a Perfume, its for people that have in-tolerances. My Mom has ? What no Perfume ? What was her secret ingredient.

We hung the Neutral wash outside on a line between two Apple trees.
When i got it of, the smell of Sea-breeze was there. She lives about 40 km from the Sea. In the dirty polluted city air, all air polluted i live near sea and it stinks here.

But it was the clue, her Perfume the same as mine, Sea-breeze not only dried my wash. It seemed revived by it, and overpowered pollution if there.

What you do in live taking care of your parents amazes me. Do you have help ?
Over here you have several system s, like Home Care and District Nursing.
There prime healthcare dr., isn t he involved ?

When i imagine myself under insomnia circumstance s doing what you do seem s.
To much responsibility for one person imo. Read s like you are alone taking care of yourself, Parent s, Dog, House and keeping up a job.

If something happens to you, who takes care of you and take the care momentarily over, if you are not able to. I wouldn t like other s at that point invading my system. Interfering, is very irritating when i haven t slept OK a few week s.

but in reality in your situation DIY is so heavy a burden, you shouldn t be doing this alone. any people around you got good contact with who might be able to help you.

Friend s or Family/ brother s or sister s ? I am the sole child, but a relative or good friend would be my first thought. In Netherlands there is nursing and care at home (district nursing) :heart6: to you SeekingOblivion

[sorry i make Wall s of text lately/ Just read in in part s.
Insomnia :rolleyes:, myusic appreciation and my smell were enhanced. The good side !]
Click to expand...

I just realized that something may have been lost in translation in the post you replied to. was reflecting on my childhood in that post. My life today is largely normal. Normal/good job, decent house and car, thankfully. I still help with my parents as much as I can now as a middle-aged person because they are not well.
 
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