Heroin Post-Heroin

[helpingout]

I only read this entry but i wanted to ask, why won't you tell your counselor about your former heroin use? Would that not help with your therapy? i would keep it a secret if it would get me in legal trouble, or, honestly, judgement.

Im afraid. I’m a liar and I’m afraid.
I don’t want to lose my access to care. Doesn’t matter now. I missed too many appointments and lost my good counselor. I was lost anyways. I’ve not been doing so great lately. A bunch of little lapses are turning into a relapse. God damnit. I don’t want to do all of this again.

 

[drewbocop]

Im afraid. I’m a liar and I’m afraid.
I don’t want to lose my access to care. Doesn’t matter now. I missed too many appointments and lost my good counselor. I was lost anyways. I’ve not been doing so great lately. A bunch of little lapses are turning into a relapse. God damnit. I don’t want to do all of this again.

And you need to keep telling yourself these things. Don't let these slip-ups take you back to square one. You're already aware you're doing it. Believe me, I understand. I'm going through the same thing right now. I fell back severely in my recovery and am drinking alcohol and heavily using 7-hydroxymitragynine after over 10 years of solely managed kratom and gabapentin for medical purposes. I do not blame you for your lack of honesty with your healthcare provider, especially if you're in the UK (?). It's a hard game you're all forced to play over there and it isn't fair. Apologies if you're not there. Hang in there, man. Your writing is phenomenal. Don't hate yourself, don't bully yourself, don't beat yourself up. You got this, you don't have to be perfect all the time. Mistakes are always going to happen whether you've got a day or a decade or ten, because it is just how we are programmed. And BL is always here for you, obviously. Shoot me a message whenever.

 

[Deleted member 585202]

Overdosed on loperamide on one occasion in August and straight up overdosed on 7oh just after new year.

May I ask what happened with these 2 incidents? Just curious. Hospital trips?

Had spent a lot of time hip hopping from plain leaf to 7oh to loperamide trying to play around with which opiate would be easiest to kick off of. Eventually figured things out. It was 7oh that I jumped off of around mid September.

I'm in a similar situation. I've been juggling between subs and 7oh. I want to get off soon, and I only have 7 doses of subs left or else I have to find more. I feel like 7oh would be easier to get off, but the urge to abuse it instead of taper is difficult and its less smooth than subs.

What amount did you jump at?

 

[helpingout]

I forgot to respond to the above posters. I will respond in time.

As for my situation, I’ve gotten down to a half tablet of 7 twice per day. Working on jumping.

Got my girlfriend pregnant and she decided to have an abortion. It’s hurting me. I’m deeply hurt. If she had had it. I’d likely be extremely depressed and completely unhappy. I wanted to meet the baby. To get to know them. And now I never will. I don’t know how to continue on knowing that I murdered my own child. Through my own passivity. Through my failure to take a stand and to stick by my actions. Now I will never know that child. I will never know whom they were or what they were like or what their name is. I’ll never know what our child would have looked like. And a week after the abortion I broke up with her because between the pregnancy and a herpes scare and her husband and the fact that her first child was ten pounds 8 ounces and nearly killed her. And I was born 10 nine ounces ces. I feel afraid that if we had had baby then I would have killed the woman I love by hemmorhage after cecarian. I don’t know what to do about who I am. I hate myself.

I just want to get high and forget about all of this. I don’t know how to hold it all in. I don’t know how to bare how I feel about it. I’m straight up heartbroken over losing g her or never having her and losing baby and never having baby.

And I just hate myself I hate my life

I’ve made a terrible mistake. A great and terrible error

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

I forgot to respond to the above posters. I will respond in time.

As for my situation, I’ve gotten down to a half tablet of 7 twice per day. Working on jumping.

Got my girlfriend pregnant and she decided to have an abortion. It’s hurting me. I’m deeply hurt. If she had had it. I’d likely be extremely depressed and completely unhappy. I wanted to meet the baby. To get to know them. And now I never will. I don’t know how to continue on knowing that I murdered my own child. Through my own passivity. Through my failure to take a stand and to stick by my actions. Now I will never know that child. I will never know whom they were or what they were like or what their name is. I’ll never know what our child would have looked like. And a week after the abortion I broke up with her because between the pregnancy and a herpes scare and her husband and the fact that her first child was ten pounds 8 ounces and nearly killed her. And I was born 10 nine ounces ces. I feel afraid that if we had had baby then I would have killed the woman I love by hemmorhage after cecarian. I don’t know what to do about who I am. I hate myself.

I just want to get high and forget about all of this. I don’t know how to hold it all in. I don’t know how to bare how I feel about it. I’m straight up heartbroken over losing g her or never having her and losing baby and never having baby.

And I just hate myself I hate my life

I’ve made a terrible mistake. A great and terrible error

Bro you did nothing wrong at all - and getting high aint gonna help, you gotta feel the feelings to process them, there's no escaping that (well there is obviously, for a time anyway...but unless you wanna be numb for ever the pain will be waiting for you when you quit again. I've heard this story many time and also participated in it

You didn't murder anyone. The choice to carry a child or not rests 100% with the woman, all we can do is support her in her decision

Please be kinder to yourself mate. Life often gives us a hell of a kicking - we don't need to join in with it

You can only go from from now bro - what's done is done and cannot be changed. Accept it, it's really the only way forward

 

[helpingout]

Bro you did nothing wrong at all - and getting high aint gonna help, you gotta feel the feelings to process them, there's no escaping that (well there is obviously, for a time anyway...but unless you wanna be numb for ever the pain will be waiting for you when you quit again. I've heard this story many time and also participated in it

You didn't murder anyone. The choice to carry a child or not rests 100% with the woman, all we can do is support her in her decision

Please be kinder to yourself mate. Life often gives us a hell of a kicking - we don't need to join in with it

You can only go from from now bro - what's done is done and cannot be changed. Accept it, it's really the only way forward

Ok. I hear you. I know you’re right. I accept your position.

I need a favor. From you and all the other posters on this thread. Fucking everyone on blue light. I’m going to get High tonight. But tomorrow. I’m going to get sick. If you could find the time to post on this thread and remind me that the sick is temporary, that it’s not as bad as what I’ve been through before, that freedom awaits me, well, I’d really appreciate that.

I’m crying in a Burger King from all of your kindnesses and concerns for me. I love all of you and I’m sorry that I’m going to get high. I know it’s the wrong way to go about this but it’s what I’m going to do, it’s what I’m doing, and it’s what I need to do, for me and my recovery; when I lapse I always try to do work out of my smart book with my high time.

So please. Post your hope for me or for addicts in General, and if you can’t find sympathy in your heart for me, post a message of hate.

Just give me some of your energy.

I’ll need all the help I can get.

Love you all

No WiFi at the moment.

Thank you to everyone. I’ve read and I don’t know how to respond to the outpouring of incredible love from all posters.

I will do your love justice.

And the overdoses were at home overdoses where I was unconscious for more than 24 hours.

Heroin home overdoses was three days.
Loperamide home overdose was two days
7 overdose was two days

 

[helpingout]

And the overdoses were at home overdoses where I was unconscious for more than 24 hours.

Heroin home overdoses was three days.
Loperamide home overdose was two days
7 overdose was two days

No medical care

Heavy mental deficits from the heroin and liperamide ones

The 7 one led to some edema in my legs and dark brown urine for like a week.

all of them left me feeling like I had died.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

see ya tomorrow - stay safe

 

[HealingEnergy14]

I forgot to respond to the above posters. I will respond in time.

As for my situation, I’ve gotten down to a half tablet of 7 twice per day. Working on jumping.

Got my girlfriend pregnant and she decided to have an abortion. It’s hurting me. I’m deeply hurt. If she had had it. I’d likely be extremely depressed and completely unhappy. I wanted to meet the baby. To get to know them. And now I never will. I don’t know how to continue on knowing that I murdered my own child. Through my own passivity. Through my failure to take a stand and to stick by my actions. Now I will never know that child. I will never know whom they were or what they were like or what their name is. I’ll never know what our child would have looked like. And a week after the abortion I broke up with her because between the pregnancy and a herpes scare and her husband and the fact that her first child was ten pounds 8 ounces and nearly killed her. And I was born 10 nine ounces ces. I feel afraid that if we had had baby then I would have killed the woman I love by hemmorhage after cecarian. I don’t know what to do about who I am. I hate myself.

I just want to get high and forget about all of this. I don’t know how to hold it all in. I don’t know how to bare how I feel about it. I’m straight up heartbroken over losing g her or never having her and losing baby and never having baby.

And I just hate myself I hate my life

I’ve made a terrible mistake. A great and terrible error

Man, I completely feel you. I decided to abort my child "together" (really it was me having the final call) with my gf too. Reason? We had multiple inconveniences and uncertainties in our living situation. Plus I was using opioids heavily back then ofcourse, so I guess my judgement was clouded.

After the abortion went through it slowly started to dawn on me what we had done. We killed our own child, no, I killed my own child. How could I have made this decision? I was angry at the world first, for much of the Western world talks much too lightly about abortion. Atleast that's how I see it now.

Then came the anger and frustration with myself. Led to lots of more opioid use to numb the pain, to numb the emotions of what I had done.

To be honest I'm getting emotional now thinking about it again, although it's been a long while and I've been off opioids for a good while now.

At some point I just realized what I did is unforgivable, but that this is not an excuse to just become a junkie.

In fact, it's a reason to better myself and be a good influence on others to hopefully make up for my mistake/sin partly, even if it's just a tiny bit.

Everyone can help to make this world a better place, no matter how small our impact may feel at times.

 

[HealingEnergy14]

Ok. I hear you. I know you’re right. I accept your position.

I need a favor. From you and all the other posters on this thread. Fucking everyone on blue light. I’m going to get High tonight. But tomorrow. I’m going to get sick. If you could find the time to post on this thread and remind me that the sick is temporary, that it’s not as bad as what I’ve been through before, that freedom awaits me, well, I’d really appreciate that.

I’m crying in a Burger King from all of your kindnesses and concerns for me. I love all of you and I’m sorry that I’m going to get high. I know it’s the wrong way to go about this but it’s what I’m going to do, it’s what I’m doing, and it’s what I need to do, for me and my recovery; when I lapse I always try to do work out of my smart book with my high time.

So please. Post your hope for me or for addicts in General, and if you can’t find sympathy in your heart for me, post a message of hate.

Just give me some of your energy.

I’ll need all the help I can get.

Love you all

No WiFi at the moment.

Thank you to everyone. I’ve read and I don’t know how to respond to the outpouring of incredible love from all posters.

I will do your love justice.

And the overdoses were at home overdoses where I was unconscious for more than 24 hours.

Heroin home overdoses was three days.
Loperamide home overdose was two days
7 overdose was two days

You're and idiot but I mean that in a good way, I've been there.

Just pick yourself up tomorrow and get through the suffering! Keep writing journals on how you feel, set milestones every 2-4 weeks to reflect on how much you improve.

That really helped me atleast, yes you won't feel perfect yet in 2-3 months. But by then you will already feel so much better than you will in the coming few weeks. Once you get to month 5-6 (no cheating with any opioids, not kratom even) you will honestly start noticing a big difference towards feeling more like your old self. Trust me on that.

I'd type more on the things I did to get through it, but I'm short on time now so you'll see me back in this thread later.

Hang in there, I'm rooting for you!

 

[helpingout]

Here is the write up of how I interpreted my loperamide overdose when I woke up two days after my overdose

There are moments in life where time slows down.
It’s like a rate sync. Or a linguistic update. Where thoughts slow to barely moving at all. It’s not that thoughts aren’t moving. It’s that life has been lived so quickly for so long and things are so different now that the body needs to catch up. There isn’t a familiar mix of chemicals. Love has moved on.

But it is deeper than that. Language itself is an ineffective vehicle for time. Your days will run away from you and language will run behind trying ever to catch up. Your cats will notice the changes in you and they will observe. They will observe in real time because cats are unencumbered by linguistic obstruction. They can see your death in minutiae. They cling to you because they see that you are dying, and they do love you so.

But this is not the point at all. Language itself has to catch up with time. You have to consciously remember “I don’t love them anymore,” because the pain of loving them is not worth the linguistic obstruction. And so it becomes easier to make it subconscious. To just not love them.

Time is like soup. It lines up behind you in frames of frozen soup. Some days are so sick with frozen time that one can begin to see things stretching through the frames. Things that used to be there but are not now. Then on a balmy day in August the soup begins to melt from time and drips wildly about your room and what doesn’t melt gets carried with you. The pain is usually what does not melt. The pain gets carried forwards.

Some moments themselves are quite thick. Where language cannot serve to communicate them. Where a moment exists that is just you in your room by yourself and nothing is happening. Nothing happening about that happening. A change of time so sudden that time catches up. The body catches up. The world is catching up to the changes you have made.

I realize how what I mean is meant to be said. There is a certain awareness to the passing of time. At times we are more aware of it than at others. This awareness of times passing happens through the
Medium
Of
Language.

But there are moments where language does not exist to fill the time. Where the minds awareness exists but language cannot convey the depth of what is happening. Churchill signs a declaration proclaiming war is ended. There is language for that. There is great exultation to be had at such words.

But what of quiet ordinary heartbreak. No one exults with you. No one laments with you. The moment belongs to you alone and it will haunt you long after the day like a forgotten omen.

Pain even does not define such a moment. The world moves on without you. Your beloved without you. And in that moment you feel that truth. You feel the truth of being completely alone.

The abandoned have hopes of being found. The lost at sea of finding friendly vessel.

What hope exists for the broken hearted. Some love to rise again. To disgrace the love you now feel. There is such sign on the horizon. There is no such love waiting for you. There is only the present moment. Stretching beyond languages ability to encapsulate your pain. But there is also the horizon. The knowledge that your pain will be left here in this place forever. In this moment it is encapsulated. It is this moment which will free you of your hearts breaking. That is the lesson of love.

There is no pain which compares to its passing. There is no relief to its anguish. But if you are careful. The moment can exist forever. You can experience it completely and recognize that time has moved on and your heart longs for what once was.

Time is insufficient a language to convey the pain of heartbreak. But language is quite sufficient to encapsulate the end of the pain of heartbreak. Moments sufficient to encapsulate it. Nothing is expansive enough to contain love nor the pain of love and somehow the human heart is sufficient vessel for both.
08/17/24

 

[Deleted member 591812]

Here is the write up of how I interpreted my loperamide overdose when I woke up two days after my overdose

There are moments in life where time slows down.
It’s like a rate sync. Or a linguistic update. Where thoughts slow to barely moving at all. It’s not that thoughts aren’t moving. It’s that life has been lived so quickly for so long and things are so different now that the body needs to catch up. There isn’t a familiar mix of chemicals. Love has moved on.

But it is deeper than that. Language itself is an ineffective vehicle for time. Your days will run away from you and language will run behind trying ever to catch up. Your cats will notice the changes in you and they will observe. They will observe in real time because cats are unencumbered by linguistic obstruction. They can see your death in minutiae. They cling to you because they see that you are dying, and they do love you so.

But this is not the point at all. Language itself has to catch up with time. You have to consciously remember “I don’t love them anymore,” because the pain of loving them is not worth the linguistic obstruction. And so it becomes easier to make it subconscious. To just not love them.

Time is like soup. It lines up behind you in frames of frozen soup. Some days are so sick with frozen time that one can begin to see things stretching through the frames. Things that used to be there but are not now. Then on a balmy day in August the soup begins to melt from time and drips wildly about your room and what doesn’t melt gets carried with you. The pain is usually what does not melt. The pain gets carried forwards.

Some moments themselves are quite thick. Where language cannot serve to communicate them. Where a moment exists that is just you in your room by yourself and nothing is happening. Nothing happening about that happening. A change of time so sudden that time catches up. The body catches up. The world is catching up to the changes you have made.

I realize how what I mean is meant to be said. There is a certain awareness to the passing of time. At times we are more aware of it than at others. This awareness of times passing happens through the
Medium
Of
Language.

But there are moments where language does not exist to fill the time. Where the minds awareness exists but language cannot convey the depth of what is happening. Churchill signs a declaration proclaiming war is ended. There is language for that. There is great exultation to be had at such words.

But what of quiet ordinary heartbreak. No one exults with you. No one laments with you. The moment belongs to you alone and it will haunt you long after the day like a forgotten omen.

Pain even does not define such a moment. The world moves on without you. Your beloved without you. And in that moment you feel that truth. You feel the truth of being completely alone.

The abandoned have hopes of being found. The lost at sea of finding friendly vessel.

What hope exists for the broken hearted. Some love to rise again. To disgrace the love you now feel. There is such sign on the horizon. There is no such love waiting for you. There is only the present moment. Stretching beyond languages ability to encapsulate your pain. But there is also the horizon. The knowledge that your pain will be left here in this place forever. In this moment it is encapsulated. It is this moment which will free you of your hearts breaking. That is the lesson of love.

There is no pain which compares to its passing. There is no relief to its anguish. But if you are careful. The moment can exist forever. You can experience it completely and recognize that time has moved on and your heart longs for what once was.

Time is insufficient a language to convey the pain of heartbreak. But language is quite sufficient to encapsulate the end of the pain of heartbreak. Moments sufficient to encapsulate it. Nothing is expansive enough to contain love nor the pain of love and somehow the human heart is sufficient vessel for both.
08/17/24

Brother, i know its been a month since the you typed this, but i was just discovered this site and made an account just to reply to you because what i just read, is some of, if not THE most beautiful conveyance of emotions ive ever read

I pray for your recovery and im sure you'll find peace eventually, but i really urge you to start writing for a career incase you dont already, because you are so immensely talented, and I know how horrible it must feel having aborted that baby, but do think, are you really in the right place in life to be able to raise a baby?

Godspeed, sending wishes

 

[helpingout]

Brother, i know its been a month since the you typed this, but i was just discovered this site and made an account just to reply to you because what i just read, is some of, if not THE most beautiful conveyance of emotions ive ever read

I pray for your recovery and im sure you'll find peace eventually, but i really urge you to start writing for a career incase you dont already, because you are so immensely talented, and I know how horrible it must feel having aborted that baby, but do think, are you really in the right place in life to be able to raise a baby?

Godspeed, sending wishes

That’s hands down the best compliment to my writing and to my own person that I have ever received. I’m honored to be perceived by you in this way. I’m not writing for work yet. I haven’t figured out how to do that. I need an agent or someone to notice me somehow but I’m a recluse and I hate the spotlight. I don’t know how to live up to what people see in me so I’ve spent the last few decades just tearing down every bit of recognition I’ve ever received. Thank you for your words. I will become a writer and I will do your compliment justice. I already have a finished book. I just need to somehow get it out into the world.

 

[helpingout]

Brother, i know its been a month since the you typed this, but i was just discovered this site and made an account just to reply to you because what i just read, is some of, if not THE most beautiful conveyance of emotions ive ever read

I pray for your recovery and im sure you'll find peace eventually, but i really urge you to start writing for a career incase you dont already, because you are so immensely talented, and I know how horrible it must feel having aborted that baby, but do think, are you really in the right place in life to be able to raise a baby?

Godspeed, sending wishes

I do not think I’m in the right headspace to raise a baby no

 

[Deleted member 591812]

That’s hands down the best compliment to my writing and to my own person that I have ever received. I’m honored to be perceived by you in this way. I’m not writing for work yet. I haven’t figured out how to do that. I need an agent or someone to notice me somehow but I’m a recluse and I hate the spotlight. I don’t know how to live up to what people see in me so I’ve spent the last few decades just tearing down every bit of recognition I’ve ever received. Thank you for your words. I will become a writer and I will do your compliment justice. I already have a finished book. I just need to somehow get it out into the world.

Im sure you'll figure it out eventually, some agent will definitely want to publish you, because theres cleary so much talent. I really hope your book gets published sooner than later, also i really dont give out fake complements, i like to indulge in writing poetry, but reading this genuinely showed me what an amateur i am, i read a lot but very rarely have i ever felt truly moved by a wall of text, you really do have a gift.

 

[Deleted member 591812]

I do not think I’m in the right headspace to raise a baby no

So imagine if that baby was born, would you be able to give it the life they deserved? I know you feel like you killed that baby, and not to assume any religion, but according to all of them, the baby is in a better place, MUCH better than the life he would have gotten now. I'm sure you'll be a great father eventually

Sending love and wishes

 

[lost weekend]

I first used heroin in summer of 2018. I made my first quit attempts towards the beginning of winter 2021. I spent the next year working a convenience store swing shift strung out on heroin and alternatively dopesick. In September of 21 I made my first real quit attempt. Looks like I made it around two or three days. It would take until about September of 22 to finally break free of the heroin itself. Another year for the suboxone taper. Then two years on kratom. Spent the last year in a really weird place. Overdosed on loperamide on one occasion in August and straight up overdosed on 7oh just after new year. Had spent a lot of time hip hopping from plain leaf to 7oh to loperamide trying to play around with which opiate would be easiest to kick off of. Eventually figured things out. It was 7oh that I jumped off of around mid September. Got together a hundred days thanks to the help of a fellow blue lighter. Lapsed on the 7 around the new year but didn’t snowball into relapse, dependency, or addiction. Have kept my shit together since then. It’s now April which means aside from two or three lapse behaviors I’ve been completely off of all opiates since August 15th
224 days.
I go to smart meetings sometimes two or three times a week. But I shoot for two in person meetings.
I call my brother if I feel like popping over to the smoke shop to buy drugs. It doesn’t make me not want to but it kind of gets me to talk to someone about the desire to pop over who doesn’t have a lifetime of drug addiction and dependency whispering in their ear how all roads lead to getting high so might as well take the first step.
I have a job that I like but I do need to strive for an even better job. Working on one hour a day for the better job search.

I write a lot of short stories, poetry, and continue to work on the second book of my novel.

I read a ton of books, not as many as I see people claiming on line, but to me it feels like I’m reading a good satisfactory amount.

I work in the smart book in my spare time.

I go to therapy with a counselor who does not know I’m a person who formerly used heroin.

And I generally am just trying to heal myself after my dependency experience, learn how to live a better life that isn’t so drug fixated, and grow into a person who doesn’t respond to life events by changing how he feels.

AMA

And also I’m going to post some of the journal entries I have saved from when I first quit heroin. I think you’ll find them interesting.

I have never tried anything stronger than dhc or codeine but I would at least love to try h once .crazy I know .codeine gives me a nice warm blanket so I'd love to know what h does and feel likes .just once.

 

[Deleted member 591812]

I have never tried anything stronger than dhc or codeine but I would at least love to try h once .crazy I know .codeine gives me a nice warm blanket so I'd love to know what h does and feel likes .just once.

Please no, stick to codeine, theres no trying h once, if you fall down that hole, you fall deep and it takes a lifetime to get out, that is, if you even can

 

[lost weekend]

And you need to keep telling yourself these things. Don't let these slip-ups take you back to square one. You're already aware you're doing it. Believe me, I understand. I'm going through the same thing right now. I fell back severely in my recovery and am drinking alcohol and heavily using 7-hydroxymitragynine after over 10 years of solely managed kratom and gabapentin for medical purposes. I do not blame you for your lack of honesty with your healthcare provider, especially if you're in the UK (?). It's a hard game you're all forced to play over there and it isn't fair. Apologies if you're not there. Hang in there, man. Your writing is phenomenal. Don't hate yourself, don't bully yourself, don't beat yourself up. You got this, you don't have to be perfect all the time. Mistakes are always going to happen whether you've got a day or a decade or ten, because it is just how we are programmed. And BL is always here for you, obviously. Shoot me a message whenever.

What is this stuff 7 HO .I was addicted to kratom for 17 years and never heard of it .

 

[lost weekend]

Please no, stick to codeine, theres no trying h once, if you fall down that hole, you fall deep and it takes a lifetime to get out, that is, if you even can

I know but the way I'm feeling some pain needs to disappear at least for a while.but I don't know how to score anyway so it's a moot point