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anxiety while buying?

00intherain

00intherain

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 19, 2023
Messages
34
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the vanishing point where the sky meets the sea
it's the funniest thing, whenever i'm buying something, no matter how long i've known a plug or how many times i've bought from them, i get like horribly socially anxious.
i have pretty bad social anxiety, and i get really anxious about accidentally not giving them enough money (which has never happened btw, my anxiety makes me compulsively count it like three times beforehand), taking too long, seeming nervous, somehow offending them or sketching them out, even my outfit and makeup.
that last part might sound really silly (which it is lol), but whenever i message a plug i start doing my makeup right away, and putting on an outfit. obviously not like a crazy, going-out type of fit, i don't want to draw unnecessary attention to myself or make myself more recognizable/identifiable should something go wrong. just a regular outfit, only i stress about every minute detail. it's not that i want them to find me attractive or anything like that (in fact, my main guy has a girlfriend, so i intentionally dress down, because i overthink and worry that he'll think i'm trying to look good "for him"), it's just that i want to look put together, relaxed, casual, like i've just been sitting around the house and not running around being an anxious freak for the past hour "getting ready" for what is ultimately a mundane, three-second interaction.
my anxiety doesn't stem from a fear of getting caught buying or anything like that, though that is a factor, my main thing is stressing the fuck out over coming off as polite and calm. i obsess over the exchange long after the transaction has taken place. you know when you say something embarrassing, and then that just replays in your head over and over? that's me every time i buy. i had a very normal conversation today:
"hey"
"hey"
"oh by the way, i'm gonna have some good deals on [ ] when i get back from [ ], because it's cheaper there"
"oh nice, good to know, have fun in [ ]!"
"thanks! enjoy!"
"thank you, bye!"
that is literally it. and i can't stop thinking about it. some awkward eye contact was made, and when i handed him the money it wasn't folded up right bc it'd been in my pocket, so for a literal half second i was fumbling around with it a bit (mind you, this whole thing was over so quickly, and took place on an empty street through a car window). i've been overthinking this for the past hour. help!
it's so weird, bc all of the people i buy from are people i've known since early highschool, who have been nothing but nice to me, plus i met them through friends who've never had bad experiences with them. i literally see them out at clubs and raves and things on the weekends all the time, and we're friendly enough with one another.
anyone else get weird anxiety like this?
 
Quasimoto said:
Yeah, pretty normal for anxious types like us.

It's not just social anxiety you are experiencing. It's also the neurological excitement from knowing you are doing something illegal, and the excitement from anticipating the high.

They compound into what you are describing.
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hadn't thought of it like that before, but that actually makes a lot of sense !!
 
As someone who doesn't experience anxiety very much, I always just make sure that I figuratively "bring a gun to a knife fight" or "bring a knife to a fist fight" if that makes sense, maintaining a significant power gradient over dealers is important imo as they tend to think they're tough shit. I'm an AMAB queer man, so I don't have the whole thing you seem to experience (@ OP) where you try to dress down to not like, "intimidate" the delaer's gf, but I've had many dealers try to rob or jump me just to find out I've got an open foldie in my pocket ready to go. Depending on what you're buying and who you're buying from, it's better to be safe than sorry, and bring extra people with extra guns if you can.
 
I've always been pretty anxious, but even in sketchy rooms full of cocaine, knives and strange people I still waited calmly for my $25 8th of dank lol. This was a long time ago so that was a good deal. I didn't know any of these people though, just heard of them. Lived on the druggiest/sketchiest street in town, one of those.
 
BourbonMac said:
I've always been pretty anxious, but even in sketchy rooms full of cocaine, knives and strange people I still waited calmly for my $25 8th of dank lol. This was a long time ago so that was a good deal. I didn't know any of these people though, just heard of them. Lived on the druggiest/sketchiest street in town, one of those.
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One time I asked a transient for spice and was given ice instead, and upon clarifying the guy was like "Yo you just wanna keep the ice?" and I most certainly did not, so I gave it back to him. It's funny how kind some dealers/traffickers are compared to others, truly running the full gamut of human sociability.
 
BourbonMac said:
Eeek, spice... just thinking about the smell gives me anxiety.
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I'm personally a huge fan of it, but I'm also the type of hardhead who's decarbed 3.5 grams of THCa diamonds and eaten it at once, for example. MDMB-4en-PINACA, as long as used in a non-toxic dose range, seems to be a very PCP-like cannabinoid, and PCP is another drug I fucking adore personally. I just think I have weird niche tastes in drugs, NBOMe/NBOH's are some of my favorites too, though anticholinergics and potent enough mu opioid agonists can induce psychotic blackouts in a way that PCP, cannabinoids, NBOMe/NBOHs, etc. have never.
 
I used to get anxiety back when i was buying coke. Id just be anticipating that first shot. The anxiety would go away after a shot of coke
 
pixies+ said:
some of the best shits of my life happened because of the anticipation/anxiety of buying drugs
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This is now my favorite post ever on bl😂😂😂

That used to be the only time I could shit😂 I can stop an entire septic system up lol.

I hated those times when they didnt have what I wanted but knew where they could get it. It was always just right up the road. BUT they had to have my money up front cause they didn’t have enough to cover it. They’d swear on the lives of their kids and everyone else they loved that they’d be right back within 30 mins. I ain’t stupid. I knew what was up. But I was desperate so I gave them my money anyways….knowing I’d never see them again. But at least for those first 24 hrs….before it was too obvious to ignore and I just had to accept defeat….I could enjoy anticipating it.

Now I have anticipatory anxiety lol
 
Esperighanto said:
As someone who doesn't experience anxiety very much, I always just make sure that I figuratively "bring a gun to a knife fight" or "bring a knife to a fist fight" if that makes sense, maintaining a significant power gradient over dealers is important imo as they tend to think they're tough shit. I'm an AMAB queer man, so I don't have the whole thing you seem to experience (@ OP) where you try to dress down to not like, "intimidate" the delaer's gf, but I've had many dealers try to rob or jump me just to find out I've got an open foldie in my pocket ready to go. Depending on what you're buying and who you're buying from, it's better to be safe than sorry, and bring extra people with extra guns if you can.
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As you say, depends to a degree on from whom you're buying and what, but I don't really see the whole extra people/guns being brought along being beneficial. Don't get me wrong, sometimes regulation is necessary (also insurance), but 99.99% of the time - based on my experiences, of course 😉 - I've seen any kind of intimidation or overt security measures only lead to higher stress and anxiety levels, people falter, read too much into things, sometimes shit goes bad, for no reason... again trust me, 39yo convicted former meth cook here, I know it's not all sweet out there, I guess it just boils down to (ime) if it gets THAT serious, I have to ask myself, who am I doing business with, and is it worth it?.

Anyway, my 2c. Hope you're well, man. 🙂
 
Psychlone Jack said:
measures only lead to higher stress and anxiety levels, people falter, read too much into things, sometimes shit goes bad, for no reason... again trust me, 39yo convicted former meth cook here, I know it's not all sweet out there, I guess it just boils down to (ime) if it gets THAT serious, I have to ask myself, who am I doing business with, and is it worth it?.
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I definitely agree, it's better to have the security on hand discretely and not need it, than to not have it. Countless deals I've been present for in the past were attempted robberies, especially in the stimulant game, so we'd just always make sure we had more firepower present. Every crackhead thinks they're tough shit trying to fight like they're in the UFC until they notice numerous handguns around them, and the bullet holes in the walls from the last time they were used. They then would calm down, exchange the money for the goods, and get on with their day.
 
i always used to meet my dealer in his car. We'd do the deal exchange some obligatory awkward small talk and then he'd drop me off round the corner. Usually it was a pretty good arrangement but I did get in the wrong car one time which is just awkward and difficult to explain.

Sounds rather tame when contrasted against the above...

I just order online nowadays because fucking about with drug dealers gives me anxiety.
 
Shinji Ikari said:
I just order online nowadays because fucking about with drug dealers gives me anxiety.
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i've actually considered this a lot, but i think i ultimately prefer temporary anxiety of meeting dealers irl (which is risky, but over pretty quickly) to the drawn out anxiety of ordering something online and being all paranoid about it getting to me safely/discreetly. like, depending on how long it took to ship, i could be anxious for many days, instead of just having one stressful afternoon waiting around for someone. it's just too many variables, and i'm not tech-savvy enough to trust myself not to fuck it up somehow, yk?
 
Esperighanto said:
As someone who doesn't experience anxiety very much, I always just make sure that I figuratively "bring a gun to a knife fight" or "bring a knife to a fist fight" if that makes sense, maintaining a significant power gradient over dealers is important imo as they tend to think they're tough shit. I'm an AMAB queer man, so I don't have the whole thing you seem to experience (@ OP) where you try to dress down to not like, "intimidate" the delaer's gf, but I've had many dealers try to rob or jump me just to find out I've got an open foldie in my pocket ready to go. Depending on what you're buying and who you're buying from, it's better to be safe than sorry, and bring extra people with extra guns if you can.
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yea, i think a lot of it comes down to who you're buying from and what. to clarify, i generally trust the people i buy from. it's also really not that intense of an atmosphere, since i'm mostly into LSD, MDMA, and ketamine. my anxiety is largely in my own head, and way more social-interaction-related than it is a genuine fear for my safety, thankfully!! i appreciate the advice though
 
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