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⫸STICKY⫷ What are you grateful for ?

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I'm also grateful to be alive in spite of the fact that I probably shouldn't be.

I've had many brushes with death over the years, most of them alcohol related. I was reminded of one of them today while I was reading about Led Zeppelin.

As most of you know, John Bonham died in 1980 from asphyxiation when he vomited while passed out from drinking. The same thing very nearly happened to me five years prior to that when I awoke from a drunken stupor in a pool of vomit. I had  no recollection of being sick the night before. I just remember being extremely drunk and eating a big meal before going to bed.

That morning I was just pissed off about the mess. It wasn't until Bonham's death that it occurred to me how lucky I'd been.

So, yeah. It's nice to be alive. And sober.
 
I'm grateful for the roof over my head, music is what moves me most so I'm always grateful for that, I wouldn't want to live without it and books so that's another gratitude. I'm also grateful for Bluelight!
 
I'm grateful for the (relatively) nice weather this morning. I'm grateful for the fifteen, 5 day old , baby chicks we have in the bathtub, so fuzzy and warm. I'm grateful that I have a place to live, and a supportive S.O. I'm grateful I'm not still strung out on benzos and dope, or in jail.

It also occurred to me how grateful I am for Bluelight. Over the years I've had a handful of accounts (none banned, just forgot creds), and the mental health support on here is fucking excellent. There's really nowhere else that I can dump my BS on strangers and they give advice and support, never having met them.

There's a lot of shit I'm not happy about right now, but I am grateful for the things I have, and how quickly they can be lost.

Thanks for letting me share.
 
The love and tolerance (a word I use in place of 'understanding' which they don't nor do I expect nor would I ever hold it against their in ability to) of my family. Before my father passed in 2022, he told me he didn't understand and I appreciated that - and although he didnt he never more so than anyone was forever there to listen to me and would always allow me to vent to him and at tried the very best he could. It was rare that I would burden him wih my mental health issues but I dont know where Id be without that man. We would go for long drives around the city and while I would often be all too appreciative of his company to breakdown, on those occasion (and there were a fair few) that I would let it flow out - not to make him uncomfortable of course, more so because tha he enabled me ro feel so incredibly comfortable enough around him to do so - which is largely down to him listening and throwing in his 2cents whenever he could which was worth the absolute world to me). I kne my father was an exceptionally intelligent man and it wast up until the last decade of his life that he began vocalising man of his deeper opinions and views on thing that I was legitimately blown away. Furthermore - not loo long before his cancer diagnosis did he begin writing, and he would come out with the most incredibly thought provoking lines and ideas within his Poetry. He continued on sporadically after his aforementioned diagnosis until it unfortunately began to spread everywhere, including his brain quite rapidly. When I began using the phone I use now, I found a photo diary he had been keeping in his gallery of his gradual decline which was very distrubing (of course he never thought anyone would see it. I still havent grieved his passing properly, however hopefully my psychologist will when(ever) we finally meet.

While my mother is likely the primary cause of my trauma, I dont necessarily blame her as such. That might seem contradictray, but I believe she unknowingly passed her trauma on to me through her behaviours which went unchecked by her own parents ie MASSIVE temper tantrums all thoughout my life that had me petrified of her and flicked that anxiety switch permanenty on at the age of 4-5 and its been on since. I dont resent her for it, and I love her.

Theres at least 2 or 3 other things, which I'll edit in later as its 4am.

My bother is one I'll expand upon later. He's been acting very...rude and unappreciative towards myself and mother lately, and its not like the fella is 16 anymore (29) but I'd rather write about that wit a clear head.
 
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