Depression Anti - suicidal meds needed ASAP!

[Man67]

As the title says I need fast acting anti-suicidal medication ASAP. I'm talking about LEGAL meds (Ketamine treatment is not an option because I can't afford it).
I suffer from TRD and PTSD. In the last couple of months I plan how to end it all 24/7.
Please skip counselling, exercising, diet.. It's a matter of life and death and I'm begging for help.

Just give me some general idea preferably from personal experience. Thank you in advance.

 

[someguyontheinternet]

Have you spoken to your doctor about it? I'm not suggesting therapy or anything like that but your doctor is the best person to recommend a medication for your situation. This is exactly what they're there for, and I'm sure they would be empathetic if you explain your situation to them and the intrusive thoughts you're experiencing

 

[paltatomate]

Just give me some general idea preferably from personal experience. Thank you in advance.

The fact that you are asking for help shows that for some reason you don't want to commit suicide. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem, quite the contrary. Because I have been in similar situations some four or five years ago.

I know how it is to feels like comitting suicide is the only option, and how freeing it would be to die. At the same time I knew that's not what I wanted.

What I did when it got too bad was call suicide help line. The people there couldn't solve my problems, but they listened, asked questions, and by thos took me away from the suicidal thoughts.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

It sucks that the quick fixes tend to screw people over in the end. That said, I really think that telling someone exactly how you're feeling would lift a great weight off of your chest.

I know you might not want to hear this, it's just that exercise means the world to me. A productive way to work through shit and improve my health at the same time, it's magic to me.

Coold you give us a little more info about what you're experiencing? Deets are important here, I think.

 

[Man67]

It sucks that the quick fixes tend to screw people over in the end. That said, I really think that telling someone exactly how you're feeling would lift a great weight off of your chest.

I know you might not want to hear this, it's just that exercise means the world to me. A productive way to work through shit and improve my health at the same time, it's magic to me.

Coold you give us a little more info about what you're experiencing? Deets are important here, I think.

Desperation and no reason to live. After 15 years battling with depression I don't have mental or physical strength to fight it.
There's a cure (IV Ketamine or Spravato nasal spray ) but one session cost more than $2000 and you need one every week at least for a year. That's over $100.000. I saw that kind of money only in the movies.

I never tried illegal drugs but now I would do anything for something that would help me with emotional pain. Due to my condition I pushed all my friends away so there's no chance that I can buy something on the street.

 

[Man67]

The fact that you are asking for help shows that for some reason you don't want to commit suicide. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem, quite the contrary. Because I have been in similar situations some four or five years ago.

I know how it is to feels like comitting suicide is the only option, and how freeing it would be to die. At the same time I knew that's not what I wanted.

What I did when it got too bad was call suicide help line. The people there couldn't solve my problems, but they listened, asked questions, and by thos took me away from the suicidal thoughts.

That was last 10mg oxy talking, not me. Did I mention that I used all my monthly supply of oxy (legally prescribed for TRD) in less than a 2 weeks.

Did I mention that every time I am in crisis I make one more step towards my suic. plan. Now I got everything ready and all I have to do is go out and finish the the job.

I don't want my kids to find me in the bed so I'll do it in my car, far away from home. I tried to postpone this as long as I could. I survived last couple of months playing lotto and hoping that I will win and be able to afford medical treatment for my condition (IV Ketamine).

Did I mention that I offered my kidney in return for Ket. treatment and being thrown out from that forum despite the fact that I was not asking for money.

I could go like this for hours but don't see the point.

ps. I called the suic. line and hang up after couple of minutes because they couldn't answer any of my questions.

 

[AngelsandFairiesarereal]

No matter what do not commit suicide. Hold on, keep holding on … even if that’s literally all you’re doing is just hangin on. I’m probably not so good with my words today as have PTSD as well, and have been making myself stay awake to avoid night terrors and extremely sleep deprived.

If you can go to any psych, medical ect and tell them what you wrote here. If you get a crappy person on suicide line, try to call back you might get a different person.

You have my empathy. Don’t make a permanent decision. Please hold on okay, even if you can’t see it right now

Sending you hope, strength and support
If you have no hope right now I will try to hold on to some for you
Gentlest of hugs

 

[Man67]

No matter what do not commit suicide. Hold on, keep holding on … even if that’s literally all you’re doing is just hangin on. I’m probably not so good with my words today as have PTSD as well, and have been making myself stay awake to avoid night terrors and extremely sleep deprived.

If you can go to any psych, medical ect and tell them what you wrote here. If you get a crappy person on suicide line, try to call back you might get a different person.

You have my empathy. Don’t make a permanent decision. Please hold on okay, even if you can’t see it right now

Sending you hope, strength and support
If you have no hope right now I will try to hold on to some for you
Gentlest of hugs

Thank you.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

That was last 10mg oxy talking, not me. Did I mention that I used all my monthly supply of oxy (legally prescribed for TRD) in less than a 2 weeks.

Did I mention that every time I am in crisis I make one more step towards my suic. plan. Now I got everything ready and all I have to do is go out and finish the the job.

I don't want my kids to find me in the bed so I'll do it in my car, far away from home. I tried to postpone this as long as I could. I survived last couple of months playing lotto and hoping that I will win and be able to afford medical treatment for my condition (IV Ketamine).

Did I mention that I offered my kidney in return for Ket. treatment and being thrown out from that forum despite the fact that I was not asking for money.

I could go like this for hours but don't see the point.

ps. I called the suic. line and hang up after couple of minutes because they couldn't answer any of my questions.

You have two things going on

1) and immediate need to prevent suicide
2) a need for a long term action plan to get you out of this mind state

2) is the plan that is going to be the most difficult to accomplish and take the longest but it is ultimately the most important one; because without this long term solution you’ll always end up back at 1).

1) might be ketamine to safe you from doing something rash. But man, you say you’ve never done addictive drugs. Ketamine is soooooo much
More addictive than the medical establishment lets on (remember when they said OxyContin wasn’t addictive?). Ketamine was my favorite drug. It causes severe organ damage and I do have permanent organ damage from it that lead me to considering suicide. This really needs to be a last resort.

There is both a sticky in the dark side forum and the psychedelic forum recounting the horrors of ketamine organ damage. We are talking cancer grade pain that lasts months, years or forever and permanent dysfunction

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Might help to think of your loved ones, and those who appreciate you in daily life. There's always someone!

 

[Jnowhere]

Unfortunately you used your monthly supply of Oxycodone up. For many years one 10mg oxy( the good ones, not the ones with Tylenol or acetaminophen or paracetamol, all the same liver killing drug) They would give me a great mood lift 3-5 times a day. After 8+ years they still give me some pain relief and a tiny mood lift.

As AlphaMethylPhenyl said think about your loved ones. How old are your kids?
Are they still at an age where they still need a father figure? If so the damage to them could really cause them trauma.
Are you supporting them financially?

Being the ultimate dead beat dad, is a selfish act and you have not explained to any real extent why you are suicidal.
You have mentioned TRD and PTSD and are depressed. Why, are things so bad that you would leave your kids without a father?

 

[Man67]

Unfortunately you used your monthly supply of Oxycodone up. For many years one 10mg oxy( the good ones, not the ones with Tylenol or acetaminophen or paracetamol, all the same liver killing drug) They would give me a great mood lift 3-5 times a day. After 8+ years they still give me some pain relief and a tiny mood lift.

As AlphaMethylPhenyl said think about your loved ones. How old are your kids?
Are they still at an age where they still need a father figure? If so the damage to them could really cause them trauma.
Are you supporting them financially?

Being the ultimate dead beat dad, is a selfish act and you have not explained to any real extent why you are suicidal.
You have mentioned TRD and PTSD and are depressed. Why, are things so bad that you would leave your kids without a father?

My kids are 19 and 25 and still live at home. They are the only reason why I managed to survive last couple of years when all this started. They are also the reason why I am asking for help one last time.

Any chance that antipsychotics would work? Apparently Clozapine and Lithium lower suicidal behaviour.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

My kids are 19 and 25 and still live at home. They are the only reason why I managed to survive last couple of years when all this started. They are also the reason why I am asking for help one last time.

Any chance that antipsychotics would work? Apparently Clozapine and Lithium lower suicidal behaviour.

Yes, there's a chance they may help (also a chance they may hinder)

Can you list three reasons to die and three reasons to live?

 

[Man67]

Yes, there's a chance they may help (also a chance they may hinder)

Can you list three reasons to die and three reasons to live?

Only one.
To live:
1. Both my kids are sick (depression and anorexia)
To die:
1. I am not able to help them as I spend 20 hours in bed each day.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

You won't be able to help them if you're dead either though, and suiciding is extremely likely to make their mental health worsen a lot thus creating the polar opposite of what you'd like

I'm aware that logic doesn't really make any difference when emotions are running strong though

 

[Man67]

You are absolutely right. Logic was the only thing to guide me through life. But for the last several months nothing makes sense. I know what am I doing wrong but have no mental power to fix that.

 

[Jnowhere]

Oh, okay, I was worried they were young( as in little like grade schoolers. But still).
Then there the issue of probate and a will. My dad saved me a lot of trouble by having a living trust, which meant no years of fighting a court battle over anything you may have in terms of assets. Luckily there was money to pay for a burial.( actually my dad and my mom's ashes are in an unmarked grave).
We owned two burial plot, one for my sister and one for who died next and I asked for the cheapest coffin and no funeral. Just put him and my mom's urn in it and bury them next to my sister. It cost over $ 7,000 and no headstone.( I couldn't think of what to have engraved on it and at around a grand for a cheap one, I never could figure out what should be engraved on it besides Names and birthdays and death dates).

I am in my late 40's and I try to forget seeing my mom dead. Seeing my little sister in a body bag, her death was ruled a suicide but I am not sure really but it still haunts me. Kissing her cold dead forehead still really haunts me. The more I think about it the more, I am accepting of the ruling.

Seeing my dad dead in a hospital bed has done nothing but deepen my long term depression that has lasted around 35 years. Don't get me wrong, I am usually a happy guy but certain times I can't fight, that internal misery that seems to rear its ugly head at times. No I am not bi-polar. Keeping my mind occupied has helped me fight the depression which is always there just below the surface and I try to forget about it and that sorta works.

What is it that really is making you want to kill yourself? I mean you seem like you are on the fence, about it.

 

[Man67]

I'm really sorry about your traumatic experiences. My PTSD is a war trauma but nothing can compare with the loss of the loved ones.

There's no particular reason why I don't want to live anymore. I'm just tired of life and all the suffering. I'm not a drama queen so none of my family knows about this including my Dr. and Psychiatrist.

I'm going to see my Dr. in about 1 hour (I live in Australia) and I'll tell him everything because I have nothing to lose.

 

[Man67]

I'm really sorry about your traumatic experiences. My PTSD is a war trauma but nothing can compare with the loss of the loved ones.

There's no particular reason why I don't want to live anymore. I'm just tired of life and all the suffering. I'm not a drama queen so none of my family knows about this including my Dr. and Psychiatrist.

I'm going to see my Dr. in about 1 hour (I live in Australia) and I'll tell him everything because I have nothing to lose.

Just had my Dr's appointment and told him everything. Got a prescription for Agomelatine which I never heard of. Any info about this med. would be greatly appreciated.
Due to my plan to end it all I won't have my 10mg Oxycodone for the next 12 days. I still have some codeine and bromazepam and hope that will cover this period without serious withdrawal effects.
Thank you all for the support and I sincerely hope that this new medication will work.

 

[Jnowhere]

All I have found that it isn't approved in America because of possible liver issues and liver enzymes should be tested when taking this medication.
Also careful of you have kidney problems.

It was described as atypical and worked as well as other antidepressants with fewer people discontinuing use due to side effects. It also should help if you have generalized anxiety disorder.

One site said it doesn't have withdrawals like many other antidepressants. However it may not work for a long time as in one year it was ineffective according to one site.

It should help with sleep disturbances and less of an effect on sexual function as many other antidepressants.

It blocks serotonin and stimulates melatonin which releases dopamine to certain parts of the brain to improve mood.( sorry my only internet is my phone)

I am of not a doctor but I wouldn't drink or drink much with this medication. From the tests you have less than year before it stops being effective.

The reason I talked about my own situation was because I was almost 40 when all sort of things happened to my family. My point was your kids are still fairly young and dealing with their own issues.

It is different when you are 40 or so and people in your life die. Because that is usually when relatives can start dying off. I just want you to live for yourself and your kids who need you more than you know. They could be really traumatized by your deliberate departure from life.

I am not going to preach other than to say I am a devout Christian who has issues. I live alone, have no family close by anymore or any close friends ( by choice) I have battled depression for a long time and I have actually learned to bury it and I can be happy at times.

I have made my share of mistake and problems but I am much concerned with the next life and eternity than this one.

Iam having trouble finding out how long before it really kicks in, but I will look into it and write back soon.

Hopefully you can get better within a year. Or then switch to something else. Let me go look for how long till it really starts working.