TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

[deficiT]

Is this a forum for people who think about death all the time? I can't take anymore of reddit. Just looking for folks who get it who maybe can relate and wanna chat back n forth. Hope everyone is hanging in there.

Yeah The Dark Side is as its named, pretty much the darkest sub forum on this website.

Take a look around and welcome

 

[RJMac]

Yeah The Dark Side is as its named, pretty much the darkest sub forum on this website.

Take a look around and welcome

Right on. Guess I've found my people. Thanks friend. How are you today?

 

[deficiT]

Right on. Guess I've found my people. Thanks friend. How are you today?

Hey dude thanks, I'm doing ok, I guess. Kind of just hanging in there really, but I guess I've got something of a steady thing going on at the moment that I should be more grateful for.

How's things been going with you? What brings you here?

 

[RJMac]

Hey dude thanks, I'm doing ok, I guess. Kind of just hanging in there really, but I guess I've got something of a steady thing going on at the moment that I should be more grateful for.

How's things been going with you? What brings you here?

I'm glad to hear you have something steady going. I guess I'm here because I really just wanna use opiates and I wake up every day with my first thought being "not again". I had something happen about two months ago that tanked my mental health and I just haven't been the same since then to be completely honest. I've tried to really put everything into my faith. This may be looked down upon by some here, or not, but I became a Christian or rededicated my life to Christ around Halloween of last year (nothing to do with Oct 31 just kinda worked out that way). Since this event I just can't really seem to trust in the Lord's will for my life. Or maybe I'm just not really saved and haven't truly put my faith in Him and have been fooling myself. I try to go to a single young adults group every other Thursday at my church but since this event, just don't feel comfortable really talking to the opposite sex. I don't believe I have much to offer. I'm a caring person, and some may find me attractive. I've had partners, lived with partners for years, had flings, did the dating app thing, but something happened to my mind fairly recently where I wake up hating myself and hating who I am, my past decisions, my lack of utility as a man....mabe its a midlife crisis or something. But at 33, I feel pretty much the same as I did at 23: I hate myself and I want to die. And I wanna use opiates. Problem is every time I use opiates, everything gets worse.

Long winded way of saying I think I just am heavily depressed and I have a sneaking suspicion it doesn't end well for me. I think I end up pretty alone and psychologically frail.

Sorry for how long that was. I'm sure I sound batshit. Maybe someone can relate though and feels a little less alone reading the above. Lol or not.

 

[deficiT]

I'm glad to hear you have something steady going. I guess I'm here because I really just wanna use opiates and I wake up every day with my first thought being "not again". I had something happen about two months ago that tanked my mental health and I just haven't been the same since then to be completely honest. I've tried to really put everything into my faith. This may be looked down upon by some here, or not, but I became a Christian or rededicated my life to Christ around Halloween of last year (nothing to do with Oct 31 just kinda worked out that way). Since this event I just can't really seem to trust in the Lord's will for my life. Or maybe I'm just not really saved and haven't truly put my faith in Him and have been fooling myself. I try to go to a single young adults group every other Thursday at my church but since this event, just don't feel comfortable really talking to the opposite sex. I don't believe I have much to offer. I'm a caring person, and some may find me attractive. I've had partners, lived with partners for years, had flings, did the dating app thing, but something happened to my mind fairly recently where I wake up hating myself and hating who I am, my past decisions, my lack of utility as a man....mabe its a midlife crisis or something. But at 33, I feel pretty much the same as I did at 23: I hate myself and I want to die. And I wanna use opiates. Problem is every time I use opiates, everything gets worse.

Long winded way of saying I think I just am heavily depressed and I have a sneaking suspicion it doesn't end well for me. I think I end up pretty alone and psychologically frail.

Sorry for how long that was. I'm sure I sound batshit. Maybe someone can relate though and feels a little less alone reading the above. Lol or not.

Hey, you don't sound batshit, at least not to me. Feel free to say whatever you need here.

Your story doesn't sound all that different than mine. Although I got into spirituality closer to 2020. In that time ive had a lot of experiences that have given me a great deal of faith in God. Life can be painful, but the overarching goal of it, is to make you stronger. As you reach your full potential, you will become much stronger, but having doubts and depressions is absolutely normal. You dont have to judge your life by any relationship wirh anyone or anything, just be enough for yourself. All you need is within you, trust.

You don't find God, God finds you, in due time. Keep the faith.

 

[RJMac]

Hey, you don't sound batshit, at least not to me. Feel free to say whatever you need here.

Your story doesn't sound all that different than mine. Although I got into spirituality closer to 2020. In that time ive had a lot of experiences that have given me a great deal of faith in God. Life can be painful, but the overarching goal of it, is to make you stronger. As you reach your full potential, you will become much stronger, but having doubts and depressions is absolutely normal. You dont have to judge your life by any relationship wirh anyone or anything, just be enough for yourself. All you need is within you, trust.

You don't find God, God finds you, in due time. Keep the faith.

Thanks friend. I know I believe in the Lord and I believe what He says in the word. But I still just wake up with so little feelings of hope or joy. It's like my flesh is eternally at war with my spirit. I pray a lot and maybe this is just where I have to be right now in order to truly grow as a believer, but it just feels like I've been here for so very long. If it weren't for my fear of where I'd end up after this life if I killed myself, I just cannot see me still being here. I tried to eat a bunch of tramadol before I rededicated my life to Christ but it didn't kill me. I basically woke up hours later because my opiate habit was just too heavy at the time. I've seemingly pushed my brothers away and they think I'm nuts for being a Christian and the want nothing to do with me. I got my dad but I can tell I'm a huge disappointment to him too. I think I'm just a burden on people who end up in my life. I mess it all up. And it causes me to just isolate. Problem is when you are 33 and you are having these mental issues, it's not a great look to those who don't also struggle. Thus, you really begin to notice the concept of time. My family fell apart and I've always dreamed of starting my own. But I just don't really believe that's going to be in the cards for me. And it's hard for me to fathom another 33 years of this. That being said, it's a rock and a hard place because I refuse to enter the dating pool knowing I am this way because I don't believe anyone deserves to end up with someone like myself. I just feel like I'm bad news. Thanks for letting me vent this out.

And it's awesome that you too are a believer. I hope one day in the long run we get to find peace and go be with our King.

 

[kris66]

Thanks friend. I know I believe in the Lord and I believe what He says in the word. But I still just wake up with so little feelings of hope or joy. It's like my flesh is eternally at war with my spirit. I pray a lot and maybe this is just where I have to be right now in order to truly grow as a believer, but it just feels like I've been here for so very long. If it weren't for my fear of where I'd end up after this life if I killed myself, I just cannot see me still being here. I tried to eat a bunch of tramadol before I rededicated my life to Christ but it didn't kill me. I basically woke up hours later because my opiate habit was just too heavy at the time. I've seemingly pushed my brothers away and they think I'm nuts for being a Christian and the want nothing to do with me. I got my dad but I can tell I'm a huge disappointment to him too. I think I'm just a burden on people who end up in my life. I mess it all up. And it causes me to just isolate. Problem is when you are 33 and you are having these mental issues, it's not a great look to those who don't also struggle. Thus, you really begin to notice the concept of time. My family fell apart and I've always dreamed of starting my own. But I just don't really believe that's going to be in the cards for me. And it's hard for me to fathom another 33 years of this. That being said, it's a rock and a hard place because I refuse to enter the dating pool knowing I am this way because I don't believe anyone deserves to end up with someone like myself. I just feel like I'm bad news. Thanks for letting me vent this out.

And it's awesome that you too are a believer. I hope one day in the long run we get to find peace and go be with our King.

I think you may find it helpful to take things one step at a time. I've found in my own life when things get confusing it's helpful if you can hang onto a few truths.

You are not a bad person. The desire to be better and live a good life tells you that. No need to rush things such as family right now, you are 33 and have plenty of time if this is what you choose.

Despite what we see around us, goodness and truth really do exist. Maybe this sounds silly, but I find it helpful to remind myself of this. I am a Christian also but I don't want to get too religious here. But knowing this does help.

As far as your family, it's probably best not to talk about your religious beliefs with them right now, it sounds like it's rubbing them the wrong way.

Also maybe try to take a step back and think of all the good things in your life right now and try not to focus on the negative. From what you have said, I see more good than bad. It's hard for us not to just focus on the bad, I tend to do this also.

I hope this helps.

"And my soul rose unexpectedly,
And looking back down at me
Smiled reassuringly."
An American Tune
Paul Simon

 

[RJMac]

I think you may find it helpful to take things one step at a time. I've found in my own life when things get confusing it's helpful if you can hang onto a few truths.

You are not a bad person. The desire to be better and live a good life tells you that. No need to rush things such as family right now, you are 33 and have plenty of time if this is what you choose.

Despite what we see around us, goodness and truth really do exist. Maybe this sounds silly, but I find it helpful to remind myself of this. I am a Christian also but I don't want to get too religious here. But knowing this does help.

As far as your family, it's probably best not to talk about your religious beliefs with them right now, it sounds like it's rubbing them the wrong way.

Also maybe try to take a step back and think of all the good things in your life right now and try not to focus on the negative. From what you have said, I see more good than bad. It's hard for us not to just focus on the bad, I tend to do this also.

I hope this helps.

"And my soul rose unexpectedly,
And looking back down at me
Smiled reassuringly."
An American Tune
Paul Simon

Thank you for your kindness and encouragement Kris. For real. You are right I need to focus on the good thing rather than dwelling on the bad. I think when we get to a place where we feel disappointed in our place in life and disappointed in ourselves for whatever reason, it can lead to a perpetuating inner monologue or voice that helps to beat us down when we already feel awful. For people like ourselves, we equate this to the enemy and perhaps I've been letting the enemy speak lies unto myself and rather than running to the truth and the goodness as you so eloquently put, we stoke the fires of that negative voice because, as time goes on, there begins to be a complacency and sadly, even a sickening comfort in living within that energy. It's the opposite of helpful though. It's simply what we get used to doing, those of us who struggle with depression and psychological turmoil. I agree with all you have stated and wanna say thank you for your kind words. Means more than you can know.

 

[kris66]

Thank you for your kindness and encouragement Kris. For real. You are right I need to focus on the good thing rather than dwelling on the bad. I think when we get to a place where we feel disappointed in our place in life and disappointed in ourselves for whatever reason, it can lead to a perpetuating inner monologue or voice that helps to beat us down when we already feel awful. For people like ourselves, we equate this to the enemy and perhaps I've been letting the enemy speak lies unto myself and rather than running to the truth and the goodness as you so eloquently put, we stoke the fires of that negative voice because, as time goes on, there begins to be a complacency and sadly, even a sickening comfort in living within that energy. It's the opposite of helpful though. It's simply what we get used to doing, those of us who struggle with depression and psychological turmoil. I agree with all you have stated and wanna say thank you for your kind words. Means more than you can know.

I'm glad I was able to be helpful. I know I do the same thing, focusing on my problems til that's all I can really think about. They just seem so overwhelming in the moment.

Interesting what you said about taking a sick comfort sometimes in that negative energy. Maybe because it seems so familiar. But it's easy to fall into the habit of bashing ourselves, and sometimes no one else is around to rescue us.

I hope things start to improve.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

I want to be able to kill my self but for some reason I can’t do it. Like I want permission from my wife or her to leave…even then I don’t know if I could do it.

But I want to be able to. If I destroy my life even more and make it more unbearable maybe then I’ll have the strength to end it because the pain will be so much.

 

[MedicinalUser247]

I want to be able to kill my self but for some reason I can’t do it. Like I want permission from my wife or her to leave…even then I don’t know if I could do it.

But I want to be able to. If I destroy my life even more and make it more unbearable maybe then I’ll have the strength to end it because the pain will be so much.

I'm going to help you through this and I want you to listen to me very good. If it was the end of the World would you just give up and die ?

The answer is NO. I want you to get this into your head. Only the Strong survive. I hope you feel better.

 

[kris66]

I want to be able to kill my self but for some reason I can’t do it. Like I want permission from my wife or her to leave…even then I don’t know if I could do it.

But I want to be able to. If I destroy my life even more and make it more unbearable maybe then I’ll have the strength to end it because the pain will be so much.

I know you are hurting right now but please don't kill yourself.

My brother committed suicide a year ago and I can't even begin to put in words how much my Sister-in-law and their children have suffered. She told me she relives it every single day, and she is a nervous wreck now. If you are asking if your wife will be okay if you do this the answer is "no."

It's tragic that the things my brother was struggling with were problems that all would have been solveable. I'm not demeaning your problems, just stating this was true in his case.

Is there someone you feel close to that you can talk to? Or a therapist?

Please try to think of one thing to live for. Then maybe you can expand on that.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

I know you are hurting right now but please don't kill yourself.

My brother committed suicide a year ago and I can't even begin to put in words how much my Sister-in-law and their children have suffered. She told me she relives it every single day, and she is a nervous wreck now. If you are asking if your wife will be okay if you do this the answer is "no."

It's tragic that the things my brother was struggling with were problems that all would have been solveable. I'm not demeaning your problems, just stating this was true in his case.

Is there someone you feel close to that you can talk to? Or a therapist?

Please try to think of one thing to live for. Then maybe you can expand on that.

All kinds of the best therapy psychiatry and top teir medical treatment from available in one of the richest enclaves on earth have been exhausted. We’re talking professors of medicine at a top 3 university have been my doctors. Regular more down to earth doctors. Also.

It’s not a matter of treatment not being exhausted.

It’s all chronic pain based and opioids are the only thing keeping me alive for 15 years now. Opioids are stigmatized and illegal completely now. I’m sick of this.

So what of the loved ones left behind in pain? She’s actually starting to agree that it might be best for me to be put out of my misery…not because she’s sick of me…but because she loves me. I love my cat and would euthanize him if he was suffering BECAUSE I love him.

Why should I have to endure even more pain than them so that they don’t feel pain? Seems almost selfish of loved ones not to let someone go. This is where medical euthanasia comes in, it covers all these bases and makes everybody accept thy at this is the best way forward.

We don’t have that luxury so I’ll be found face down of a fentanyl OD with my pockets emptied out and my asshole used as a cum dumpster for some necrophelicac tweaker. This is America. Man I hate this fucking country so much.

All I need to keep living and being a super productive member of society is opioids that were given out 15 years ago. They are gone.

 

[kris66]

All kinds of the best therapy psychiatry and top teir medical treatment from available in one of the richest enclaves on earth have been exhausted. We’re talking professors of medicine at a top 3 university have been my doctors. Regular more down to earth doctors. Also.

It’s not a matter of treatment not being exhausted.

It’s all chronic pain based and opioids are the only thing keeping me alive for 15 years now. Opioids are stigmatized and illegal completely now. I’m sick of this.

So what of the loved ones left behind in pain? She’s actually starting to agree that it might be best for me to be put out of my misery…not because she’s sick of me…but because she loves me. I love my cat and would euthanize him if he was suffering BECAUSE I love him.

Why should I have to endure even more pain than them so that they don’t feel pain? Seems almost selfish of loved ones not to let someone go. This is where medical euthanasia comes in, it covers all these bases and makes everybody accept thy at this is the best way forward.

We don’t have that luxury so I’ll be found face down of a fentanyl OD with my pockets emptied out and my asshole used as a cum dumpster for some necrophelicac tweaker. This is America. Man I hate this fucking country so much.

Just because the best therapy and medical treatments available at the time have been exhausted does not mean your problems are not solveable, all it means is they have not been solved yet.

I'm sorry you are hurting like this. You mentioned your wife so I'm telling you how suicide effected my family. I wish someone would have told my brother this.

 

[RJMac]

I'm glad I was able to be helpful. I know I do the same thing, focusing on my problems til that's all I can really think about. They just seem so overwhelming in the moment.

Interesting what you said about taking a sick comfort sometimes in that negative energy. Maybe because it seems so familiar. But it's easy to fall into the habit of bashing ourselves, and sometimes no one else is around to rescue us.

I hope things start to improve.

Yep indeed. The lyric from Nirvana's Frances Farmer comes to mind in regards to comfort in that energy. "I miss the comfort in bein sad". Eventually that "comfort" out stays its welcome.

 

[kris66]

All kinds of the best therapy psychiatry and top teir medical treatment from available in one of the richest enclaves on earth have been exhausted. We’re talking professors of medicine at a top 3 university have been my doctors. Regular more down to earth doctors. Also.

It’s not a matter of treatment not being exhausted.

It’s all chronic pain based and opioids are the only thing keeping me alive for 15 years now. Opioids are stigmatized and illegal completely now. I’m sick of this.

So what of the loved ones left behind in pain? She’s actually starting to agree that it might be best for me to be put out of my misery…not because she’s sick of me…but because she loves me. I love my cat and would euthanize him if he was suffering BECAUSE I love him.

Why should I have to endure even more pain than them so that they don’t feel pain? Seems almost selfish of loved ones not to let someone go. This is where medical euthanasia comes in, it covers all these bases and makes everybody accept thy at this is the best way forward.

We don’t have that luxury so I’ll be found face down of a fentanyl OD with my pockets emptied out and my asshole used as a cum dumpster for some necrophelicac tweaker. This is America. Man I hate this fucking country so much.

All I need to keep living and being a super productive member of society is opioids that were given out 15 years ago. They are gone.

I do understand what you are saying about opioids though. To try to solve the opiod crisis they are throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

I do understand what you are saying about opioids though. To try to solve the opiod crisis they are throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

So the crackdown they attempted in prescriptions was the result of the dea weaponozong the FDA 2016 gum rationing guidlines.

The FDA has long retracted the guidelines since it caused so much more death and suicides. Dea doesn’t care and continues to arrest doctors and threaten them.

You can see in this graph I inserted into your quote above what happened after the FDA and DEA did this in 2016. Took a problem that wasn’t worsening and had been the same for decades prior and made it 5X worse overnight

The evidence is all there. Our policy makers are far too stupid to understand a single graphs. When scientifically illiterate lawyers and uneducated nepo babies run America and can’t understand how a graph works….along with a retsrded uneducated population. Data is something they can’t understand and emotions run the show.

This country is so stupid.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

Just because the best therapy and medical treatments available at the time have been exhausted does not mean your problems are not solveable, all it means is they have not been solved yet.

I'm sorry you are hurting like this. You mentioned your wife so I'm telling you how suicide effected my family. I wish someone would have told my brother this.

Yea but the debate becomes: somebody is going to feel pain and torture their whole lives.

Is it going to be me…or is it going to be my wife?

My pain is physical and mental; hers will only be mental.

Why does her potential pain take precedence over my existing and physical pain. She Weill get over it in a sense, move on, remarry and probably have a less chaotic life with normal man. My disease is permanent and I won’t. Get better. It’s been nearly a decade and it’s the same as it last always been.

She has the chance to heal after losing me. I have no chance to heal.

Seems selfish in her part.

Again, it’s my like me keeping my suffering cat alive that I love more than any being besides my wife….just because it will hurt me to lose him…but I have the perspective to see that I wouldn’t actually be too hurt although I would miss him…I would be relieved that his suffering was over.

Part of legal euthanasia is about making the family members realize that they too will be happy for their loved ones suffering to end eventually. But we don’t have that humane option here. They instead find your brain matter exploded all over a field or hotel room instead of proper good byes and group therapy to accept the situation.

Fuck America and its backwards religious based laws that are a direct violation of the first amendments 1st line

 

[kris66]

Doctors right now are afraid to prescribe opioids because they are afraid they will loose their license and clinics are advising their doctors to prescribe them sparingly because they are afraid of getting scrutinized.

The problem is, of course, sometimes we need a painkiller stronger than tylenol or ibuprofen. It's a no win situation.

I have heard in the UK codeine is over the counter. At least they have another option.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

I'm going to help you through this and I want you to listen to me very good. If it was the end of the World would you just give up and die ?

The answer is NO. I want you to get this into your head. Only the Strong survive. I hope you feel better.

I would be elated that it was the end of the world. I often hope for either that or some sort of car accident or something outside my control to kill me because I can’t do it myself for some reason.

I don’t care about being strong, there’s not virtue or value in suffering just because.