Sober? No fucking way. I am going to concentrate on shrooms and bud. They are the true medicines, I know I sound like hippy but that's what works best for me. (and some meds that are not psychoactive) Now I am on crazy speed and gentle bud and coffee and pregab to clean up shit so that I can live in my apartment. And then I am going to learn habits to fucking keep the places tidy. But I am now bit on moderating break. I need to recover of what happened.
I was travelling on bicycle in june, 1000 km. I came back in august and everything has gone slowly downhill by then. Meeting people, seeing places, exercising, kept me on the just and just sane and functional and joyful.
But when I come home in august, things have gone downhill little by little, until leading to fucking disaster. But this is recoverable and I have truly realized that I need to change many things, I am no sure how I do that, but my breakdown felt in some way therapeutic. When drunk or in benzos, I have sometimes told people things I otherwise wouldnt or thought or felt emotions. All kind of inhibitions fall and it can make possible to deal with all kind of things, BUT I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF MUCH OF THOSE PROCESSES! I remember walking around repeating "I can help myself I can help myself this does not need to be like this!" Very rarely alcohol actually causes afterglow.
so, in that sense 25 liters rowanberry wine seems like some kind of ritual, maybe compared to ritualistic datura consumption in some tribes. So, generally fucking bad idea, but sometimes something good might come out of it. Okay, honestly, alcohol is much better I think, except if some tribes have knowledge of how to use it truly therapeutically, I don't know. I feel truly traumatized of this whole event. I barely understand what happened. I don't really want to glorify this or something, I would probably have achieved same kind of benefits much easier being off alcohol for a long while.
I am just trying to tell that I can pay the deductible.
