Trigger Warning 21 year old benzo and opiod addict, introduction. Long time site user. Almost one year clean. Why bother though?

[PillLover03]

Hello everyone, I appreciate whoever takes the time to read this you can call me by my username or call me A if you prefer.

I have used this site in my teen years for him prevention and honestly it has saved my life multiple times. You know how it is. You look your combo up on Google and it says your gonna die then you hear how people do it and not die and well, you can do it if you do it rright. Needless to ssy, I was arrested due to my drug use. Pills ran out in 4 days 90 10mg pays and 120 1mg Xanax a month.
I spazzed out and almost shot myself. The cops raided my house and I was tortured quite literally in the county jail for weeks before being released. And I mean legit torture.

So. Getting off probation and out of jail my second time for probation entrapping me, I am near a full year clean of opiods and benzos. However just recently I began to rewind my progress. My suboxone isn't working anymore and my ptsd and depression are at its worst as I have nothing to live for or a single thing to call my own. I just want to go right back into my old habits. I don't have friends. No mom or dad. Noone. There's zero motivation for me anymore to remain clean so I have been abusing my klonopin heavily lately and drinking on it with my suboxone which is not a safe combo but is doable-

That aside. I want my Xanax. I watch my oxys. But don't have access to those specific ones or any frankly. Everyday I live to not feel the internal agony I face everyday and I am not doing this suboxone bullshit anymore. And I am going to embrace my old lifestyle. No reason not to. Yeah yeah I'm young got so much ahead of me blah blah blah I've heard it all, trust me. I've wanted to die since I was a child. Nothings ever fixed it besides the drugs. I will be a happy addict staying in the same spot in life always as long as I can get my buzz.

I likes the road of being clean but there's no reason to stay clean in my life. For those that do get clean no matter the situation I admire you, deeply. Justi cannot attain that unfortunately.

Anyways. Much love, thank yall for reading. Would love to chat in the comments and feel free to ask any questions at all I do not mind one bit.
-A life this site saved,
A

 

[PillLover03]

Thank you for reading and dropping a like

 

[meeer]

Welcome to Bluelight, I wish you the very best of luck in your journey, I don't want to condone a negative head space and all but I totally understand the head space. I really hope you don't fall back into it again, but we are always here to chat. If I had to play devils advocate (slightly), say the High is to important and you decide to go back to that life style. It may be best to go onto a methadone like treatment or otherwise to still continue to get a substance that provides a powerful high, where as the suboxone is IME far more of a just simply fends withdrawal off and helps you taper. Methadone although is one of the only few opiates out there iv never tried knowingly or at all. If you blast your oxy and Xanax to high and to quickly and really cant gain self control to use at a maintainable level on the weaker but still strong substances it may be best to avoid exactly that. Regardless its always a sticky situation with narcotics.

Best of luck!

 

[PillLover03]

Welcome to Bluelight, I wish you the very best of luck in your journey, I don't want to condone a negative head space and all but I totally understand the head space. I really hope you don't fall back into it again, but we are always here to chat. If I had to play devils advocate (slightly), say the High is to important and you decide to go back to that life style. It may be best to go onto a methadone like treatment or otherwise to still continue to get a substance that provides a powerful high, where as the suboxone is IME far more of a just simply fends withdrawal off and helps you taper. Methadone although is one of the only few opiates out there iv never tried knowingly or at all. If you blast your oxy and Xanax to high and to quickly and really cant gain self control to use at a maintainable level on the weaker but still strong substances it may be best to avoid exactly that. Regardless its always a sticky situation with narcotics.

Best of luck!

Thank you for your time replying. Methadone I've tried it only makes me sick when I get high from it.

I wish I had reasons to stay clean but I don't really. I don't want to commit suicide so I need to keep myself artificially satisfied until I can find some reasons to keep trying.

My next klonopin script is in one week I took all 60 of them in under a week. So I'm withdrawing from that and drinking to stem the withdrawals since they ffect same area of brain.

I have more self control than before but I know the addiction will just explode with the tolerance and all quickly so. I know when I find a source I'm fucked.

 

[WellTram]

Try to play with something different now....opioids are lovely i am on them for more than a decade but they slowly eat u inside out....your body, your mind...I have serious trouble maintain my BIG doses of oxy, tram or dhc to not feel wd right after waking up etc...Do u really want to be so dependent on something ? When physically addicted to opioids u are slave to them. U need them every day, everywhere u go....Try some psychedelics, weed maybe E or do some speed (not exactly harm reduction) but u won't end up in opioid trap again.

 

[PillLover03]

Try to play with something different now....opioids are lovely i am on them for more than a decade but they slowly eat u inside out....your body, your mind...I have serious trouble maintain my BIG doses of oxy, tram or dhc to not feel wd right after waking up etc...Do u really want to be so dependent on something ? When physically addicted to opioids u are slave to them. U need them every day, everywhere u go....Try some psychedelics, weed maybe E or do some speed (not exactly harm reduction) but u won't end up in opioid trap again.

I like cocaine and Crack I don't want to do them though I like the relax, sedation the opiod and benzo combo give me. The other rugs would ruin me too and guess what.

I'm on suboxne already dependent on it so it don't matterrrr hahahaaaa! It's likely only Increased my tolerance. And my care that most product is fake nowadays is little considering my general care for life is little.

I don't think there's any reason to hope or even bother remaining sober. Like my post said no ma or dad, no friends, no home. Just get a cheap apartment a new computer and buy a ton of shit and sustain a minimal life.

So, as much as I wish I was out of the opiod trap I'm still in itm I just want to go back to enjoying it.

 

[deficiT]

Welcome to Bluelight. I'm really sorry you're struggling and feeling isolated right now. I've definitely felt that way, and yeah when I was your age I felt pretty crappy like this more often than not.

Yeah for the longest time I never thought I was the type of person to ever do anything positive or productive, and I would never come around to actually begin enjoying life, or having any kind of contentment. It took some massive personal tragedies and changes to allow me to begin building something of a happy existence. Life isn't great, but it is bearable and I actually want to see it through. If I can get to that point, I am pretty positive that anyone can.

Maybe total abstinence isn't the move for you at the moment. You can still make progress with your mental health while using substances moderately. Just try not to get sucked in too hard, learn from your mistakes, and move forward. I wish you the best, and feel free to reach out if you ever need support.

 

[WellTram]

I like cocaine and Crack I don't want to do them though I like the relax, sedation the opiod and benzo combo give me. The other rugs would ruin me too and guess what.

I'm on suboxne already dependent on it so it don't matterrrr hahahaaaa! It's likely only Increased my tolerance. And my care that most product is fake nowadays is little considering my general care for life is little.

I don't think there's any reason to hope or even bother remaining sober. Like my post said no ma or dad, no friends, no home. Just get a cheap apartment a new computer and buy a ton of shit and sustain a minimal life.

So, as much as I wish I was out of the opiod trap I'm still in itm I just want to go back to enjoying it.

Ok so u are in my situation, except i also take 1 AD and modafinil...good luck friend and enjoy your days, if wanted, enjoy them high on some nice opi+Benz combo. I do not stop trying to reduce dosages but it's very hard battle after more than a decade on benzos and opis..

 

[meeer]

I like cocaine and Crack I don't want to do them though I like the relax, sedation the opiod and benzo combo give me. The other rugs would ruin me too and guess what.

I'm on suboxne already dependent on it so it don't matterrrr hahahaaaa! It's likely only Increased my tolerance. And my care that most product is fake nowadays is little considering my general care for life is little.

I don't think there's any reason to hope or even bother remaining sober. Like my post said no ma or dad, no friends, no home. Just get a cheap apartment a new computer and buy a ton of shit and sustain a minimal life.

So, as much as I wish I was out of the opiod trap I'm still in itm I just want to go back to enjoying it.

Honestly, for me to get off of my mental and semi physical opiate addiction, and finally only ever use them for my medicinal purposes. I never stopped taking it as recreational I wont lie to my self, or anyone else. A controlled opiate usage after all is better on my body than a controlled alcohol usage based on how much of each I need for satisfactory effects. However I did try to see it otherwise to both respect and just be happy with the dosage I take daily (20mg Oxycontin most every day, up to 30 and rarely ever 40 with spares etc. Restocking every 28 days with a little under or around 1G of it prescribed essentially. These days every day I get energy and can nod by night time with some days exception, and never having any withdrawal symptoms as long as I at least have weed. Should I have to cease of its use for any reason, I know very well I only suffer for 3-5 days with worsened insomnia which I have naturally and for a night or two restlessness at most, and thankfully the kindling effect hasn't hit me in well over a decade so I hope it remains as is. Before I decided I semi need and want this medication for its medicinal purposes as I have chronic pain and so fourth, and recreational possibility of what may come at said medical dosage. In order to be happy with my now normal dosing It took me just a month or two over 2 years to get to where I am now mentally about my usage, this being said there is still multiple days every month ill go a day or two without of my choosing or because I forgot to take one and pain reminds me. Essentially I just indulged until I was satisfied with it whilst not throwing caution and reason to the wind (I can not suggest against this heavily enough) It doesn't usually ever turn out this way for most IME and I do not necessary suggest or endorse doing so. Thankfully one day my brain just clicked as I kind of was pushing for, but this was not without the use of heavy psychedelic namely LSD, and much lesser but still very if not just as important MDMA, and I embarked my self onto this journey no GPs, I probably completed around late 2020 early 2021.

I started off taking minimum 200-400mg of Tapentadol Slow Release (Pharma but not prescribed to myself). This was on top off coming off of a old years long, minimum 80mg OxyContin's cut in half to the dome multiple 2-5x a week and a smaller dosage of something nearly every day, believe it or not this tolerant it still gave me a tiny buzz, and naturally I was never a light weight, very opposite in fact. Not that I was ever dependant on the DHC, Codeine Phosphate and endless other IR small dosage opiates despite strength up to and around dilaudid, or I wasn't fuckin with it if at all. I again never had to fend withdrawals too much I honestly have a love/hate relationship with the fact knowing how freeing it can be for someone like my self. When talking in terms of pain relief, depression, (more so now in the past) and a whole aray of other things that honestly seemed fixed with the experiences I had whilst on those substances and attempting to apply the mind set sober, and not from the high its self needing to stick around. This being said I kind of had to raise my self and learn a lot my self, very lacking in the parental department so maybe that helped my brain naturally apply some kind of self judgement on the situation when I started doing them who knows. Also It was just a damn good feeling, so why cut it out all together, if not causing issue. Yet while to others is nothing but a trap and spiral down due to hellish withdrawals, over usage and saturation, low self control and not being able to give it up or maintain control and a plethora of other factors depending on individual which I totally can understand and have been there, its not like I'm immune to WD symptoms.
To touch back on the tapering, thankfully I was able to slowly cut down to only once or twice EVERY OTHER month NOT EVERY month. To 1-200mg SR a day of Tapentadol, and that of DHC when having it, interchangeable if need be with codeine phosphate, dosage may differ slightly. I ceased all other forms of opiate use unless from the GP by the end of these 2 years, at the time I would be given 10 packs of 30mg Codeine/Paracetamol at 6-8 a day. With that said for phosphates i CWE a lot and tried to minimise the paracetamol and even the codeine at times. DHC at first for the 1-2 days dosage was as high as 200-400MG to have my rare day or two depending how I did it. where I could maybe nod at night or have a heavier more recreational high instead of that I now normally feel from every days dosage.

(It is probably worth noting this was all my self enacted plan to regain control completely and be able to choose if I want my pain relief/buzz, and more importantly honestly my health, and maybe even just before I lose the insane luck I have had with withdrawals and my health truly fucking beyond lucky), the ability to have IV'd and not have ever taken to it (wasn't a opiate though), that might actually get me and other than hospital needing to administer for surgery and afterwards iv never been so allured by its medical dosages like so, so as safe as I might be id never try it again. Also I have never had a drug abuse issue as far as my government or medical system is concerned. I realise I was in a blessed situation one way or another based on my outcome.
Also it might be useful to note personally, I never found much use out of a benzo recreationally other than my first few large Valium doses (30-40mg+ many many years ago). Other than sleep short term after a week of any use of benzos I gain other worldly tolerance and although have abused, never was able to a insane degree other than as a teen on street Xanax and the other crazier ones more RC or Kpins, Loraz Pharma. Due to knowing it just didn't get me feeling like everyone else, the only limit for me was black out and nothings ever black me out before, truly at least other than super high dosage Xanax, which after a few usages I just saw no use in wasting my money on it as crazy as that may sound I still do despite the fact I wouldn't pass a offered one up here and there. Maybe because as a kid at 13 I had a mad alcohol abuse phase, till late teens but again never had hard WD and substituted my use with weed alone.

Best of luck iv been busy all day working my ass off apologies for typos and that's a fucking lot to read too. Sometimes finding your purpose or a purpose you deem worthy of yourself in life is simply a flip of the mind away, I know its not that easy and there's no fix to assure that switch is on or off. Maybe purpose will find you as many have claimed, or maybe you'll find something worth putting it into, if your responsible or with those who can commit, getting a animal or a small friend can really start the change in mind set you need. Just don't aimlessly try this thinking it will work, if you don't like animals and its just not the right path for ya trying isn't likely to change how you feel about it. Maybe you can find something new or find a way to see it differently but until further comments best of luck and i wish you well.

 

[Psycho_Logic]

Welcome to BL @PillLover03 ! I hope that you are able to ease your suffering and live to tell the tale how somehow something happened and your life became livable without putting your freedom in danger. Maybe all drugs become legal...who knows? I don't want to preach but please just test your stuff and stay away from xylazine. This is harm reduction forum after all... Looking forward for your posts.

 

[glutitis]

Hi, my friend, I can relate, to your situation. Try altering your suboxone . Somehow, that worked for me many times, though, I do not know your dose, right know, but I would assume, you are on a higher dose. So, for me, this did always do the trick. Go down to the lowest you can. Dont play with fire, but what I say is, buprenorphine, almost always kicked me right in the face, when I was taking around 2mg. I was on 24 , that did nothing. Strange, but for me, that worked. I took that stuff, for almost 30 years, like straight. ( Methadone, if you think about, that? Dont. Ever! Seriously- Edit. I feel, that alone is a stupid advice, but for clarification, Methadone, has no mood lifting capabilities. For that , and , that only, for him in his situation, only. -Edit end)

 

[kongoman]

Methadone has a very good mood lifting for me. If the dose is medium/high, like 80/120mg the mood lifting is really good. I had depression and the only thing that worked was methadone. I stopped with AD meds and only did methadone and bupropion for activation. I could be dead if I wouldnt have had methadone. I know it has side effects, but allmost all drugs have. I tried suboxone and I didnt feel anything. I was at 12mg I think. Allmost Everyone know how to selfmedicate to feel good.

 

[glutitis]

That's why there should be forums. Thank you for saying that, learned something new, here

 

[TheFunkeeJunkee]

There's probably not much advice any of us can give you that you've not already heard before but know that im praying for you brother.

 

[PillLover03]

There's probably not much advice any of us can give you that you've not already heard before but know that im praying for you brother.

Thank you sincerely. I sont think I'm gonna make 30 but that's OK to me. I appreciate it man

 

[PillLover03]

Welcome to Bluelight. I'm really sorry you're struggling and feeling isolated right now. I've definitely felt that way, and yeah when I was your age I felt pretty crappy like this more often than not.

Yeah for the longest time I never thought I was the type of person to ever do anything positive or productive, and I would never come around to actually begin enjoying life, or having any kind of contentment. It took some massive personal tragedies and changes to allow me to begin building something of a happy existence. Life isn't great, but it is bearable and I actually want to see it through. If I can get to that point, I am pretty positive that anyone can.

Maybe total abstinence isn't the move for you at the moment. You can still make progress with your mental health while using substances moderately. Just try not to get sucked in too hard, learn from your mistakes, and move forward. I wish you the best, and feel free to reach out if you ever need support.

I would love to reach out to someone to talk to I don't have many people to talk to. And I battle with suicidal thoughts daily im just going the high will help kill the pain

 

[PillLover03]

First 20 on hwroin in over a year here's the turning point folks!

 

[deficiT]

I would love to reach out to someone to talk to I don't have many people to talk to. And I battle with suicidal thoughts daily im just going the high will help kill the pain

I understand, you can send a message anytime if you need someone to talk to.

First 20 on hwroin in over a year here's the turning point folks!

You got high? Yeah I just made it to a year without alcohol. I've still been using kratom and weed and some other stuff, but at least I haven't drank. Heroins a dangerous ass game, especially these days if you are in America. Test your shit, stay away from Xylazine and fentanyl if you can

 

[PillLover03]

Honestly, for me to get off of my mental and semi physical opiate addiction, and finally only ever use them for my medicinal purposes. I never stopped taking it as recreational I wont lie to my self, or anyone else. A controlled opiate usage after all is better on my body than a controlled alcohol usage based on how much of each I need for satisfactory effects. However I did try to see it otherwise to both respect and just be happy with the dosage I take daily (20mg Oxycontin most every day, up to 30 and rarely ever 40 with spares etc. Restocking every 28 days with a little under or around 1G of it prescribed essentially. These days every day I get energy and can nod by night time with some days exception, and never having any withdrawal symptoms as long as I at least have weed. Should I have to cease of its use for any reason, I know very well I only suffer for 3-5 days with worsened insomnia which I have naturally and for a night or two restlessness at most, and thankfully the kindling effect hasn't hit me in well over a decade so I hope it remains as is. Before I decided I semi need and want this medication for its medicinal purposes as I have chronic pain and so fourth, and recreational possibility of what may come at said medical dosage. In order to be happy with my now normal dosing It took me just a month or two over 2 years to get to where I am now mentally about my usage, this being said there is still multiple days every month ill go a day or two without of my choosing or because I forgot to take one and pain reminds me. Essentially I just indulged until I was satisfied with it whilst not throwing caution and reason to the wind (I can not suggest against this heavily enough) It doesn't usually ever turn out this way for most IME and I do not necessary suggest or endorse doing so. Thankfully one day my brain just clicked as I kind of was pushing for, but this was not without the use of heavy psychedelic namely LSD, and much lesser but still very if not just as important MDMA, and I embarked my self onto this journey no GPs, I probably completed around late 2020 early 2021.

I started off taking minimum 200-400mg of Tapentadol Slow Release (Pharma but not prescribed to myself). This was on top off coming off of a old years long, minimum 80mg OxyContin's cut in half to the dome multiple 2-5x a week and a smaller dosage of something nearly every day, believe it or not this tolerant it still gave me a tiny buzz, and naturally I was never a light weight, very opposite in fact. Not that I was ever dependant on the DHC, Codeine Phosphate and endless other IR small dosage opiates despite strength up to and around dilaudid, or I wasn't fuckin with it if at all. I again never had to fend withdrawals too much I honestly have a love/hate relationship with the fact knowing how freeing it can be for someone like my self. When talking in terms of pain relief, depression, (more so now in the past) and a whole aray of other things that honestly seemed fixed with the experiences I had whilst on those substances and attempting to apply the mind set sober, and not from the high its self needing to stick around. This being said I kind of had to raise my self and learn a lot my self, very lacking in the parental department so maybe that helped my brain naturally apply some kind of self judgement on the situation when I started doing them who knows. Also It was just a damn good feeling, so why cut it out all together, if not causing issue. Yet while to others is nothing but a trap and spiral down due to hellish withdrawals, over usage and saturation, low self control and not being able to give it up or maintain control and a plethora of other factors depending on individual which I totally can understand and have been there, its not like I'm immune to WD symptoms.
To touch back on the tapering, thankfully I was able to slowly cut down to only once or twice EVERY OTHER month NOT EVERY month. To 1-200mg SR a day of Tapentadol, and that of DHC when having it, interchangeable if need be with codeine phosphate, dosage may differ slightly. I ceased all other forms of opiate use unless from the GP by the end of these 2 years, at the time I would be given 10 packs of 30mg Codeine/Paracetamol at 6-8 a day. With that said for phosphates i CWE a lot and tried to minimise the paracetamol and even the codeine at times. DHC at first for the 1-2 days dosage was as high as 200-400MG to have my rare day or two depending how I did it. where I could maybe nod at night or have a heavier more recreational high instead of that I now normally feel from every days dosage.

(It is probably worth noting this was all my self enacted plan to regain control completely and be able to choose if I want my pain relief/buzz, and more importantly honestly my health, and maybe even just before I lose the insane luck I have had with withdrawals and my health truly fucking beyond lucky), the ability to have IV'd and not have ever taken to it (wasn't a opiate though), that might actually get me and other than hospital needing to administer for surgery and afterwards iv never been so allured by its medical dosages like so, so as safe as I might be id never try it again. Also I have never had a drug abuse issue as far as my government or medical system is concerned. I realise I was in a blessed situation one way or another based on my outcome.
Also it might be useful to note personally, I never found much use out of a benzo recreationally other than my first few large Valium doses (30-40mg+ many many years ago). Other than sleep short term after a week of any use of benzos I gain other worldly tolerance and although have abused, never was able to a insane degree other than as a teen on street Xanax and the other crazier ones more RC or Kpins, Loraz Pharma. Due to knowing it just didn't get me feeling like everyone else, the only limit for me was black out and nothings ever black me out before, truly at least other than super high dosage Xanax, which after a few usages I just saw no use in wasting my money on it as crazy as that may sound I still do despite the fact I wouldn't pass a offered one up here and there. Maybe because as a kid at 13 I had a mad alcohol abuse phase, till late teens but again never had hard WD and substituted my use with weed alone.

Best of luck iv been busy all day working my ass off apologies for typos and that's a fucking lot to read too. Sometimes finding your purpose or a purpose you deem worthy of yourself in life is simply a flip of the mind away, I know its not that easy and there's no fix to assure that switch is on or off. Maybe purpose will find you as many have claimed, or maybe you'll find something worth putting it into, if your responsible or with those who can commit, getting a animal or a small friend can really start the change in mind set you need. Just don't aimlessly try this thinking it will work, if you don't like animals and its just not the right path for ya trying isn't likely to change how you feel about it. Maybe you can find something new or find a way to see it differently but until further comments best of luck and i wish you well.

God I wish I had a good supplier or doctor to give me my xanax and pain pills. I have a back issue anyways its part of why I got hooked. Seems like nowhere to get them unless you know someone who knows someone or the sketchy ass dark web bullshit

 

[PillLover03]

I understand, you can send a message anytime if you need someone to talk to.


You got high? Yeah I just made it to a year without alcohol. I've still been using kratom and weed and some other stuff, but at least I haven't drank. Heroins a dangerous ass game, especially these days if you are in America. Test your shit, stay away from Xylazine and fentanyl if you can

Not sure haven't snorted it yet waiting for suboxone to clear system