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When things become personal

Jabberwocky

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
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Looking-Glass Land
Humans are social creatures. Heard that. Get that. Moving on:

These days the slightest body language (I fidget a lot so fuck me right) can be overanalyzed. Heard it. Seen it. Moving on:

How do you express to people that they need not be self conscience because what you do isn't about them, while also reassuring them you care about them at the same time? Words, actions, ect?
 
You do what you just did ^^ there - you tell them that. Beyond that, there's nothing you can do. They can either choose to believe you, and to accept what you feel you are able to give, or not. Beyond opening yourself up and explaining, you have no other means of controlling their response if you want a satisfyingly authentic relationship with them.
 
So I guess the ball would be in their court right?

And if they choose to not believe that way of communicating maybe it's just another not gunna work relationship, which is fine, there are many like that.
 
Madness said:
So I guess the ball would be in their court right?

And if they choose to not believe that way of communicating maybe it's just another not gunna work relationship, which is fine, there are many like that.
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That would be my experience yeah. You can't force someone to adopt your insights or understandings. You can help them to see things from your side of the bed, but it's up to them to want to go there, voluntarily.

I mean, the same can obviously be said for us in reverse as well, and it can take a lot of self-awareness to see where we ourselves could apply that principle to our own behaviors and actions. And that ultimately makes for better compromises and balances in all relationships.

But the fact remains, you can't control others, you can only give them choices and let them know yours.
 
I feel like as I age I'm realizing people are way more unique than I thought. Hobbies, awareness, views, so maybe I just take what I know and run with it.

However if I don't hold on to some doubt or thinking about things a new way I'll run into a wall or get hit by a bus.

So it's a balance and I wish I didn't overthink it. That's why I drink recently, to try and let go of all the overthinking that the prosocial life is causing me to think about in order to get on w people
 
Madness said:
I feel like as I age I'm realizing people are way more unique than I thought. Hobbies, awareness, views, so maybe I just take what I know and run with it.

However if I don't hold on to some doubt or thinking about things a new way I'll run into a wall or get hit by a bus.

So it's a balance and I wish I didn't overthink it. That's why I drink recently, to try and let go of all the overthinking that the prosocial life is causing me to think about in order to get on w people
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Yeah, most folks I've encountered who have elements of neurodiversity/ASD/ADHD/ASPD/HSP in their spectrum tend to experience emotional dysregulation, which can also manifest as 'thought dysregulation' for those of us not really attuned to - or experiencing - overt emotions.

This can cause waaaaaaay too much rumination and processing of our (past, present and future) interactions and relations with other people. It's exhausting. I have to be alone for a LOT of my life just to decompress and cope really.

My favorite people are those who don't seem to add to that burden. Somehow their presence doesn't drain me, wear me down, or cause a need to get away and recover. They are out there, but they are rare, and I wish they wore big bold labels so I could spot them more easily and save myself a lot of wrinkles lol
 
Unless someone explicitly says or does something to me, I assume that whatever I think about them, good or bad, is my own personal story and has nothing to do with them.

Similarly, I know how I conduct myself toward other people. I am generally a very conscientious person. So if someone decides to mistake their personal story about me for something that is actually happening, then I couldn't care less. I find that as I get older, the fucks I give about what other people think are getting less and less, mostly because I think most of the human race is incapable of deeper self-reflection. Maybe it's just the city I'm living in.

I would not mistake the ideological neuroses of modern people for self-reflection either. Having intelligence also means knowing when to let go. Being excessively over analytical is also a form of lack of self-awareness.
 
I just avoid people, not the best advice though. People judge people on silly things without knowing the person. I'd admit i was guilty of the same in my younger years(especially seeing hard core druggies). But now i'm older and one myself and realize people are more complex then i ever thought
 
Foreigner said:
Unless someone explicitly says or does something to me, I assume that whatever I think about them, good or bad, is my own personal story and has nothing to do with them.
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So you go as far as to recognize that your own narratives about others are not influenced by them?

At what point do you turn inward and say "this is probably more about me than them"?
 
Madness said:
So you go as far as to recognize that your own narratives about others are not influenced by them?

At what point do you turn inward and say "this is probably more about me than them"?
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I look at the outward actions that have occurred. If their claims don't match the actions, then it's their problem and not mine.
 
Madness said:
How do you express to people that they need not be self conscience because what you do isn't about them, while also reassuring them you care about them at the same time? Words, actions, ect?
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google red flags for narcissism and see if anything else overlaps
 
thujone said:
google red flags for narcissism and see if anything else overlaps
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It can go both ways as well - me thinking they are reacting to me. I'm a very self aware, self conscious at times person, in the city you can grab someone's attention, usually not intentionally, mostly not a good thing.

It's strange because often times I think people are trying to manipulate my feelings but often people seem to "like" me or "flirt" with me more than I realize without them explicitly saying it. Sometimes I think people have malicious intent, probably from my 7 or so years bouncing around the city in shelters, so now in a more prosocial environment it's hard to navigate and get used to that the attention may not be bad.

Either way I prefer city interactions. People minding their business. In my current environment people are much more reactive and it throws me off at times
 
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how many people do you normally interact with in a day? city folk mind their own business because they're just too busy to see the randoms around them as anything more than strangers. on days where i talk to 30+ people i don't dwell on anything because there's no time for it, on days where i talk to much less i might dwell on some interactions just because i'm idling
 
True about idle time.

When I was in school as a kid I'd come home and analyze social situations while watching TV. I probably wouldn't have been able to recall what was happening in the show accurately.

Often before bed too. Once I feel I have a grasp on what happened I knock out. I put a big amount of effort into trying to figure things out.

These days, being a bit more secure in how things are for me, I knock out almost immediately like a baby, and watching commercials before say a football game I have to make fun of, mock, point out the inconsistencies just so I don't feel like my thoughts are being wasted on some useless brainwashing
 
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Madness said:
Humans are social creatures. Heard that. Get that. Moving on:

These days the slightest body language (I fidget a lot so fuck me right) can be overanalyzed. Heard it. Seen it. Moving on:

How do you express to people that they need not be self conscience because what you do isn't about them, while also reassuring them you care about them at the same time? Words, actions, ect?
Click to expand...
Who cares what they think?

You think way too much, thinking is just Mental Chatter & noise.
 
Madness said:
It can go both ways as well - me thinking they are reacting to me. I'm a very self aware, self conscious at times person, in the city you can grab someone's attention, usually not intentionally, mostly not a good thing.

It's strange because often times I think people are trying to manipulate my feelings but often people seem to "like" me or "flirt" with me more than I realize without them explicitly saying it. Sometimes I think people have malicious intent, probably from my 7 or so years bouncing around the city in shelters, so now in a more prosocial environment it's hard to navigate and get used to that the attention may not be bad.

Either way I prefer city interactions. People minding their business. In my current environment people are much more reactive and it throws me off at times
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Listen to this, you need it way more than I ever did.



 
Madness said:
You don't seem to understand but I appreciate the attempt to help
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I understand very well, some of the mental images I've had to work through with the help of someone I met online have been vast.

It's NOT a matter of no thinking as you assume it to be, it's acceptance of this very moment then the next moment without any mind chatting.

You know Eckhart Tolle?
 
Zopiclone bandit said:
acceptance of this very moment then the next moment without any mind chatting.
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Question: what is the unused "RAM" in ones mind used for if not to understand what's going on in the moment? Am I supposed to achieve a perfect state of drooling on my shirt? Not trying to come off any sort of way toward you, just a dramatic example to ask this legitimate question that I have, if you get me?

I'll need to marinate on this a bit.
 
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