So, I'm one experience wiser with 2C-D. The experience was had a couple weeks ago - five weeks after the previous excellent trial with 50 mg. The first 50 mg trial hit the perfect balance of riding the line between "almost too much to handle" and "still manageable". The decision was made to repeat at 50 mg 2C-D HCl orally.
Before dosing, I was pretty sure I'd be out of my 25E-NBOH trauma. And something had me intrigued by the 2C-D. Even though at first glance it seemed only little more introspective than 2C-B, the changes it facilitated were more present, despite only put into action very slowly. I used to joke at myself that one day I'd have the trip that turns me vegan. During that earlier 50 mg trip, I was reminded of the very interesting LD50 data for this compound¹ - supposedly, DOM has a comparable LD50 in mice. I was quite angry at the senselessness of measuring this value. The authors certainly did not consider using this compound in humans and by itself the value does not say much. This anger was soon redirected at myself for eating meat when it certainly is possible to spare the life of animals with appropriate supplementation. Thinking about eating meat even induced nausea - which I did not have otherwise during the experience. Regardless, while I was coming down, I certainly ate a meat-containing dish I had prepared earlier. The anger was easily traced back to the dissonance between moral values (i.e. not wasting our planet's resources with excessive meat consumption) and my own actions (i.e. frequently eating meat-based dishes). It took me a few weeks, but I've now come to the resolve that little change is better than no change and all my grocery shopping will be vegetarian. Excuses can be made for when I'm invited to people (in particular of the judgemental kind), or occasionally when I eat out (as I do experience certain cravings that I believe are natural and should be sated). Call me a conflict-averse coward, but I'm currently fine with that and will work from here - which will be finding alternatives to milk-based products. And then there was the other thing: earlier I described the bland trip with 35 mg 2C-D + 15 mg 2C-B @ 1.5 h which I believe to have been caused by too frequent tripping. Despite the 50 mg trip being very good, I waited a full 5 weeks devoid any other drugs for what would be this next trip. A decent chunk of time for me!
So all that pre-story aside, here we are. I was eager to take the 50 mg, and eager to see which places the 2C-D would take me to and which aspect of myself it would lead me to reevaluate and revise. But I hadn't done my homework at all. One thing which I'm constantly avoiding to address are my frequent slip-ups with the rules my girlfriend and I have made concerning drug consumption. My girlfriend is pretty much straight-edge. She acknowledges my drug use being part of myself, but I feel like there is a certain amount of skepticism attached to it. Unlike me, she is rather risk- and pain-avoidant. At the beginning of the relationship, the agreement was I'd quit the addicting drugs, take psychedelics at a reasonable pace (i.e. every two weeks at most) and have her informed/present with any compound new to myself. But one of my biggest flaws is impatience. Whenever I have a new compound at my hands, I feel like Christmas and there is the urgent desire to bioassay - combined with being ashamed at myself for this behaviour, I did not always follow the rule about informing her. This had lead to the 25E-NBOH incident² and my 2C-D trials were unbeknownst to her just as well. Now this time, I did inform my girlfriend I was going to be tripping, but on 2C-B (which she knows I'm plenty experienced with). So I grabbed the bottle of 2C-B, briefly considering that I'd rather not lie, promptly put it back into the cupboard and got hold of the 2C-D. It struck me as foolish to go into a trip with such a lie, but
alea iacta est and off I went. I'd be fine - if only I'd known what I had set myself up for.
2C-D has a faster come-up than all other psychedelics I previously tried. Judging by the severity of this rocket ship ride, I quickly knew I was in for something. During the first 1.5 h, it was rather positive, but there were already hints of things becoming hard to manage. Closing my eyes and lying on the bed, things were getting definitely well into acid-esque ego-dissolving territory - which I wasn't feeling comfortable with and avoided by getting up again and conversing with online friends via chat. But then suddenly, it became too much. During the trip, I had decided to make an experiment and supplement with citrulline against any vasoconstriction (a common trigger for difficult experiences since the 25E-NBOH) and magnesium (against the neck tension). And before I knew it, all music became unbearable. I had a difficult time and had to convince myself that the feeling of fainting at any time was not real, that I was having a hard time and that this was surely punishment. Punishment for my hubris of going into a trip with a lie. A bunch of lies even. And this unstable contraption was beginning to fall apart like a house of cards in the wind and there was some explaining to do. I desperately needed some comfort and a hug to know that things would be alright. So I called my girlfriend over, who promptly came as fast as possible in the next 30 min. Not wanting to alarm her about any physiological troubles (which I rationally knew to be psychosomatic anyways) and not wanting to do much explaining of how this situation occured I told her I was in a psychologically unwell place and needed her help. She arrived to a shell-shocked version of myself, but there was little time for cuddles and comfort. Immediately after her arrival the fire alarm of the apartment building went off. After some panicked hesitation ("I'm too tripped out to go outside, surely this is just a minor alarm and nothing serious"), reconsideration ("better safe than sorry, regardless of my state") and scrambling ("where the fuck are the keys, I'm too tripped out to figure this out"), outside we went. Being on a rock solid +++ of the rather difficult kind, I insisted on going for a stroll away from the crowd of neighbours. The rapid change of setting helped a lot and I was no longer in fear, only hurt. Soon we came to see that people were on their way back in and made it back into my apartment. My life no longer depended on a hug and she could complete a creative project while I was hiding under a thick layer of blankets watching YouTube documentaries about unconventional aeroplane concepts as the trip faded out. I did not talk about the contents of the trip and why the situation arose that night.
I've been thinking loads about this experience. The problem is crystal-clear to me. But I'm still working up the courage to confide to my girlfriend. All those breaking of rules is a major breach of trust. And the dangerous situations I put myself in do not exactly put my little life-devouring research chemical hobby into a good light either. I don't know what her reaction will be. It would be easy to try and blame the problem on the enticement of those drugs - the sparkle of the psychedelic phenethylamines and the allure of the euphoric world of entactogens and stimulants. But it would be a lie. The reality is that I've failed as a person. And surely there are rationalisations and some mental gymnastics to shift the blame away from me. But I remain at the core issue. It is now up to me to face the fear of the unknown (i.e. her reaction) and embrace for the consequences. I direly hope she understands and that I can rebuild everything that had been broken in the process. It is ironic, as I almost anticipated something like this happening when we began our relationship. And in an attempt to avoid such course, I insisted on perfect truthfulness and transparency. Sadly I was incapable to live up to my standards.
Apart from the relation to the 25E-NBOH scare trip, I believe my bad trips manifest as physiological problems due to some health concerns I am having. I am unhappy with how I am treating my body, the lack of physical exercise and improper meals. I really need to address this separate issue too before it consumes me.
This has gotten rather personal and intimate. I've written this for two reasons: a) the selfish need to verbalise and communicate my thoughts and b) to declare a more refined judgement on 2C-D.
2C-D has proven to me to be anything but a light tofu. It is fully psychedelic with razor-sharp teeth and fangs, it will bite back if provoked. It has shown me aspects which make me believe that egodeath is certainly a possibility within the PiHKAL dose range of 20 - 60 mg. I hope this personal conflict of mine arrives at a good ending. I want my relationship to remain. Both to my girlfriend and to my sparkly little phenethylamines.
¹ Ho, B.-T.; Tansey, L. W.; Balster, R. L.; An, R.; McIsaac, W. M.; Harris, R. T. Amphetamine Analogs. II. Methylated Phenethylamines.
J. Med. Chem. 1970,
13 (1), 134–135.
https://doi.org/10.1021/jm00295a034.
²