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H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist
Recovery The 2023 Recovery Thread
- Thread starter Ds
- Start date
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Thinking of you all, good thoughts, b e z
Good stuff! I know it's daunting but hopefully it will make your journey a bit easier and clearer
Anyone know how to make recovery relatively unpainful while still being effective? Maybe am thinking about things too much, dunno
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Can you elaborate?
It took a long time for me to slow down my compulsive thoughts about using. Those compulsive thoughts that clogged my brain of normal thoughts, took a while. A lot of people relapse once the compulsion is gone, thinking this time will be different. I usually isn't
kiely
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 25, 2022
- Messages
- 13,823
we have to find comfort the best way that we can. and comfort that can lead to the end result of happiness too.
try to find your comfort. it helps so much to get through very tough times indeed.
i guess we are all suffering now so that we can help each other out and
help others too so that we can understand it ?
i'm sorry if you are suffering. we really don't deserve to, so this is how we look for answers !
you will be alright. keep looking for your way. it's going to be there somewhere for you i am sure.
please don't ever just give up. you can and will be able to. !!!
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Yeah it's within you bro. Don't think it's not
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Sounds easy but its not, definitely doable tho
I can try lol. Its hard to really put into words.
I just know that the hard work is necessary, but I want to be able to work on myself without minding how much pain it's causing me, I guess, like what my focus should be, said in another way. Both mental health and sobriety. Don't have a good handle on things still I think. Want to do the work while it not hurting as much.
And I have trouble picking out what is good growing pains and what is something to turn away from and not humor. Trying to still find my balance I think.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Hm, yeah, that's a complex and legit question.
Personally for mental health as an introvert I just try to minimize stress and give myself the time to do whatever I feel may help. The mental health for me is personal to me, whereas for me the sobriety is more black and white - abstain.
They sort of go hand in hand in my experience as in, I do my thing and I'm distracted and abstract. I abstain and I have more time to do my thing. Less time using is more time on mental health.
But mental health is not over night it's like fucking life long unfortunately. As is abstaining.. but I would think of mental health more like a work in progress with no direction and try to be okay with that.
For abstaining, I'd say a "win" is literally just not using for today. 1 day at a time.
Painful One
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2017
- Messages
- 4,215
Yeah, we wish we knew how to do that.
Unfortunately, growth takes pain.
Meditation exercises have helped me.
Try a few guided mediations.
You have to keep busy and keep your mind off it.
elgoucho9
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 28, 2023
- Messages
- 1,915
Tomorrow will mark 6 weeks of no fuck ups for me. 41 days atm since my last blip. Things have improved for me so much it's hard to believe.
My family are being very understanding. My old man when i fucked up last time really tried to talk me out of it. And since then both parents have made the effort to talk to me about it. They understand the last time was just a fuck up, i shouldn't have taken valium that's what triggered it. Think they were a dodgy batch too, was bensedins but now i look on wedinos and many of them are containing bromazolam and metonitazine
Since then i have smoked weed/hash maybe 5 times. Only a couple bowls at night. Had codiene one day i was in agony. Bought a box of pregablin but only used them once yesterday after having them there for a week or so. Actually felt great off those. Raked up a load of leaves and bagged them since my mum asked me if i would (she has bad arthritis, probably from drinking wine too often, i have tried to say to her) so bagged up 35 black bags full of them. Given i been suffering from chest and back pain daily i doubt i'd been able to do so many if it wasn't for the pregablin.
My mental health through some of the last 6 weeks really has not been good. Mostly due to the chest/back pains. I've had swelling on my left peck for 2 years almost. Doctors basically wouldn't do anything for me, despite me asking for a scan when i initially experienced it 2 yeaes ago. Said it was benign. But then i started spitting blood the last week or so. So i'm finally getting a chest Xray and an ultrasound done on it. The pain from it some days has totally deabilitated me. I am super grateful for my mum making the food etc. She also rang the doctor and spoke to them (she used to work in law so she is very good with her words), and that's how i finally got the scan. I think if not my useless doctor would have done fuck all again. I had private health insurance and a referral for an endoscopy. When my doctor filled in the form she blew my whole insurance policy, said i had dyspepsea since 2019 (which nobody ever diagnosed me with or told me, helicobacter and all other tests related to this came back negative so i'm not sure wtf they are playing at tbh), so now the insurance think i lied on my forms from the beginning and won't cover me for anything. Pissed off with the doctor is an understatement.
I am quite concerned what the result of this Xray/ultrasound will be. I guess i abused my body alot from the age of 13 to 31. From ecstasy, cocaine powder and mephedrone in my youth. I had problems with both the coke and the meph. Then graduated to loads of amphetamines and benzos. Then following that a massive crack addiction where i literally must have burnt through £250k. Started in 2016, got real bad on it but stopped everything for a year til 2018, got into bodybuilding, would still have the odd fuck up but not often. Then 2020 came and my relationship started falling to bits. 2021 had a bad car crash split up completely with the compiulsive liar i barely really knew. And then came a fiasco of depression resulting in crack cocaine abuse. I would book hotels with coke fiend women and burn through a quarter of hard a day. These binges usually lasted a month then i would maybe stay sober for 2-4 weeks and repeat. At that stage was buying top quality cocaine hcl from the Albainians. Went from buying 7 wraps a day to buying full ozs at a time and smoking them all sometimes even just to myself. The main guy actually told me i was his best customer. He started selling me ounces because he said i was spending so much buying tickets it wasn't fair. Probably got fed up having to drop off to me so often too. I was the only one here getting ounces from them he said as usually they just do tickets to max out their income as he has to pay drivers wages etc. In the end he went mad at me when he found out i was smoking it.
Eventually ran out of money completely. Then started hanging around a really wrong crowd of people. IV'ing powder coke. Then stopped that cos i nearly killed myself. Buying pre made rock from yardies and scousers. Eventually that was so shit i realised their H was better quality than the C. Previously i'd used H off the darkweb but in a controlled manner. Never got addicted or even used it again for 5 years type thing. But coming off my massive crack habit with very little money the H became more tempting. So i had a few months doing that on and off. Never got a physical addiction til i went off the rails cut contact with everyone and met this girl who was an H addict and IV'd. Wound up staying with her for a month IV'ing. Got so sick of it i looked at myself in the mirror one day and couldn't stand what i saw. I was disgusted. Went cold turkey with her still smoking and IV'ing kit beside me the whole time. Half oz of it still in the room but i had truly had enough. Once i got myself to a point i could move again without the pains the withdrawal caused i left her and cut all contact. She was a good person but there was no helping her and i had to put myself first.
Since then the one blip i took a load of valium and wound up freebasing for a few days. Drinking md20/20 and straight vodka. Felt awful afterwards and took me over a week to recover. Recovery for me seems very slow these days. Probably because my health isn't right. And i think given the above it would be a logical conclusion that is all thanks to my rampant drug abuse. Luckily i still look well enough, i have a decent frame from my days of weight lifting and my face still looks young, but my insides must be ruined from the years of reckless behavior i indulged in.
Now it's like there is only one obvious path and that's to stay sober and get my health right. I regret most of my years of drug taking. Certain drugs did bring some good times, like weed, MDMA, acid, ket. But they were mostly the early days. Laterly my drug use was mostly trying to cover up my emotions and blank out the hurt. People will lie to you and say drugs wont block that out. But they certainly do. Enough cocaine and heroin and you will not give a fuck what's going on in your personal lift, while your high at least. Another reason i kept taking benzos too. All stress and personal distress gone. All these drugs mate you nasty though, i became a bad person. I hurt alot of people. Both physically and mentally. I nearly killed a friend of 15 years one night on crack and booze, when i thought he stole £ from me, front kicked him in the face and he fell off my doorstep and hit the back of his head off an axe handle. He came round but very lucky it was only the handle he landed on. Every other relationship with girlfriends, true friends and family i put alot of stress on. Luckily i still have my family and 3 real solid friends. 1 of them used to be addicted to crack and heroin over 10 years ago. He has been like a mentor to me in getting sober and getting back fit. He's 6'4 and 240lb ripped and completely natural. Goes for 8 mile runs every morning. He has been a real inspiration and mentor.
This post probably sounds like i'm bitching about my life or situation. But in all honesty i am grateful i'm still here. Yes i lost alot along the way, people, friends, money, myself, my health and sanity. The reason i'm most grateful is that i have now realised that and appreciate things more. I appreciate the people who are still there greatly. I appreciate the people who showed me their true colours and fucked me over. Might have lost a tonne of money but they taught me some valuable lessons in life. I feel like as a person my character has developed so much from everything i've been through. Looking back i was a fool many times, to trust certain people, to be around other people i knew already were just pure blagger drug addicts. Hang around with people like that and they rub off on you. Overall given all the stupid shit i've done i am just lucky to still be here. Hopefully these tests show me what's wrong and i can get it fixed.
I hope everyone here is good and staying true to their journey. Life isn't easy at times, but it's all about how you react to things. Remain stoic. For me i made alot of mistakes because i reacted to things that were outwith my control in the wrong way. Seek gratitude in the small things. Walking in the sunshine. Eating a nice meal. Spending time with friends and family. My biggest regret in my years of drug abuse is i never really appreciated anything. Nothing was never enough. I was obsessed with things that don't matter. Now i appreciate everything i have, and everyone around me. I am a totally different person. I don't need the thousand £ jacket or £500 pair of jeans to know who i am. I used to be very arrogant and self centred, now i am much more humble and caring. Addiction turned me into someone i am not. Someone the real me hates.
I appologise if this post drags on. It was more for my own mental clarity i posted it. To see where i am actually at in my own head.
Once again, i wish everyone here well on their journey. Life will always throw problems at us. It's down to us how we handle them. Stay calm and stay humble. Be kind to others around you. Learn to let things go. If you stick to those principles your whole life becomes much easier.
My family are being very understanding. My old man when i fucked up last time really tried to talk me out of it. And since then both parents have made the effort to talk to me about it. They understand the last time was just a fuck up, i shouldn't have taken valium that's what triggered it. Think they were a dodgy batch too, was bensedins but now i look on wedinos and many of them are containing bromazolam and metonitazine
Since then i have smoked weed/hash maybe 5 times. Only a couple bowls at night. Had codiene one day i was in agony. Bought a box of pregablin but only used them once yesterday after having them there for a week or so. Actually felt great off those. Raked up a load of leaves and bagged them since my mum asked me if i would (she has bad arthritis, probably from drinking wine too often, i have tried to say to her) so bagged up 35 black bags full of them. Given i been suffering from chest and back pain daily i doubt i'd been able to do so many if it wasn't for the pregablin.
My mental health through some of the last 6 weeks really has not been good. Mostly due to the chest/back pains. I've had swelling on my left peck for 2 years almost. Doctors basically wouldn't do anything for me, despite me asking for a scan when i initially experienced it 2 yeaes ago. Said it was benign. But then i started spitting blood the last week or so. So i'm finally getting a chest Xray and an ultrasound done on it. The pain from it some days has totally deabilitated me. I am super grateful for my mum making the food etc. She also rang the doctor and spoke to them (she used to work in law so she is very good with her words), and that's how i finally got the scan. I think if not my useless doctor would have done fuck all again. I had private health insurance and a referral for an endoscopy. When my doctor filled in the form she blew my whole insurance policy, said i had dyspepsea since 2019 (which nobody ever diagnosed me with or told me, helicobacter and all other tests related to this came back negative so i'm not sure wtf they are playing at tbh), so now the insurance think i lied on my forms from the beginning and won't cover me for anything. Pissed off with the doctor is an understatement.
I am quite concerned what the result of this Xray/ultrasound will be. I guess i abused my body alot from the age of 13 to 31. From ecstasy, cocaine powder and mephedrone in my youth. I had problems with both the coke and the meph. Then graduated to loads of amphetamines and benzos. Then following that a massive crack addiction where i literally must have burnt through £250k. Started in 2016, got real bad on it but stopped everything for a year til 2018, got into bodybuilding, would still have the odd fuck up but not often. Then 2020 came and my relationship started falling to bits. 2021 had a bad car crash split up completely with the compiulsive liar i barely really knew. And then came a fiasco of depression resulting in crack cocaine abuse. I would book hotels with coke fiend women and burn through a quarter of hard a day. These binges usually lasted a month then i would maybe stay sober for 2-4 weeks and repeat. At that stage was buying top quality cocaine hcl from the Albainians. Went from buying 7 wraps a day to buying full ozs at a time and smoking them all sometimes even just to myself. The main guy actually told me i was his best customer. He started selling me ounces because he said i was spending so much buying tickets it wasn't fair. Probably got fed up having to drop off to me so often too. I was the only one here getting ounces from them he said as usually they just do tickets to max out their income as he has to pay drivers wages etc. In the end he went mad at me when he found out i was smoking it.
Eventually ran out of money completely. Then started hanging around a really wrong crowd of people. IV'ing powder coke. Then stopped that cos i nearly killed myself. Buying pre made rock from yardies and scousers. Eventually that was so shit i realised their H was better quality than the C. Previously i'd used H off the darkweb but in a controlled manner. Never got addicted or even used it again for 5 years type thing. But coming off my massive crack habit with very little money the H became more tempting. So i had a few months doing that on and off. Never got a physical addiction til i went off the rails cut contact with everyone and met this girl who was an H addict and IV'd. Wound up staying with her for a month IV'ing. Got so sick of it i looked at myself in the mirror one day and couldn't stand what i saw. I was disgusted. Went cold turkey with her still smoking and IV'ing kit beside me the whole time. Half oz of it still in the room but i had truly had enough. Once i got myself to a point i could move again without the pains the withdrawal caused i left her and cut all contact. She was a good person but there was no helping her and i had to put myself first.
Since then the one blip i took a load of valium and wound up freebasing for a few days. Drinking md20/20 and straight vodka. Felt awful afterwards and took me over a week to recover. Recovery for me seems very slow these days. Probably because my health isn't right. And i think given the above it would be a logical conclusion that is all thanks to my rampant drug abuse. Luckily i still look well enough, i have a decent frame from my days of weight lifting and my face still looks young, but my insides must be ruined from the years of reckless behavior i indulged in.
Now it's like there is only one obvious path and that's to stay sober and get my health right. I regret most of my years of drug taking. Certain drugs did bring some good times, like weed, MDMA, acid, ket. But they were mostly the early days. Laterly my drug use was mostly trying to cover up my emotions and blank out the hurt. People will lie to you and say drugs wont block that out. But they certainly do. Enough cocaine and heroin and you will not give a fuck what's going on in your personal lift, while your high at least. Another reason i kept taking benzos too. All stress and personal distress gone. All these drugs mate you nasty though, i became a bad person. I hurt alot of people. Both physically and mentally. I nearly killed a friend of 15 years one night on crack and booze, when i thought he stole £ from me, front kicked him in the face and he fell off my doorstep and hit the back of his head off an axe handle. He came round but very lucky it was only the handle he landed on. Every other relationship with girlfriends, true friends and family i put alot of stress on. Luckily i still have my family and 3 real solid friends. 1 of them used to be addicted to crack and heroin over 10 years ago. He has been like a mentor to me in getting sober and getting back fit. He's 6'4 and 240lb ripped and completely natural. Goes for 8 mile runs every morning. He has been a real inspiration and mentor.
This post probably sounds like i'm bitching about my life or situation. But in all honesty i am grateful i'm still here. Yes i lost alot along the way, people, friends, money, myself, my health and sanity. The reason i'm most grateful is that i have now realised that and appreciate things more. I appreciate the people who are still there greatly. I appreciate the people who showed me their true colours and fucked me over. Might have lost a tonne of money but they taught me some valuable lessons in life. I feel like as a person my character has developed so much from everything i've been through. Looking back i was a fool many times, to trust certain people, to be around other people i knew already were just pure blagger drug addicts. Hang around with people like that and they rub off on you. Overall given all the stupid shit i've done i am just lucky to still be here. Hopefully these tests show me what's wrong and i can get it fixed.
I hope everyone here is good and staying true to their journey. Life isn't easy at times, but it's all about how you react to things. Remain stoic. For me i made alot of mistakes because i reacted to things that were outwith my control in the wrong way. Seek gratitude in the small things. Walking in the sunshine. Eating a nice meal. Spending time with friends and family. My biggest regret in my years of drug abuse is i never really appreciated anything. Nothing was never enough. I was obsessed with things that don't matter. Now i appreciate everything i have, and everyone around me. I am a totally different person. I don't need the thousand £ jacket or £500 pair of jeans to know who i am. I used to be very arrogant and self centred, now i am much more humble and caring. Addiction turned me into someone i am not. Someone the real me hates.
I appologise if this post drags on. It was more for my own mental clarity i posted it. To see where i am actually at in my own head.
Once again, i wish everyone here well on their journey. Life will always throw problems at us. It's down to us how we handle them. Stay calm and stay humble. Be kind to others around you. Learn to let things go. If you stick to those principles your whole life becomes much easier.
stardust10
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2020
- Messages
- 1,604
Today is a day at a time kinda day - having relationship issues i.e. my partner is hiding something from me and avoiding me, whereas before he would be making more of an effort to take me out or visit/invite to stay at mine or his at least twice a week (as we live a considerable distance) so I'm quite upset and my gut feeling is he's hiding something...he may be back on smack or maybe crack and/or cheating. Trying not to think about it though. I'm in my 30's and don't want to fuck around for much longer if this is going to happen again as already gave him a second chance when he originally deserted me when he went to jail, didn't contact me also left me rattling off dihydrocodeine he had been getting for me at the time (was in legitimate pain) and went with someone else for a while once he got out untill he messaged me again apologising etc. Was just starting to fall in love and trust him again after all that and It's embarrassing cause I'm usually quite strong but when it comes to love I feel and love deeply so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset. Going to my friends comedy show later and there will obviously be a bar there, they are driving though and have kickboxing the next day so that should keep me motivated. Hopefully won't be too difficult and I'll have my weed vape with me. Thanks for letting me vent team 
Best wishes to all
Best wishes to all
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tokayeahok
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2021
- Messages
- 756
morning morning guys. sorry i’ve been afk, been in hospital innit. lmao
got something called ‘c diff’ in my gut from the amoxicillin i took for my tooth 2 weeks prior. talk about the worst stomach pain i’ve ever had in my life.
anyways i’m back and on some strong antibiotics and finally getting back into a routine, ie walking, talking again, moving around. it honestly through me for a loop because i haven’t been sick for 7-8 days since i was dopesick, which you can imagine, came with a bit of anxiety and depression.
anyways all is good, we move.
got something called ‘c diff’ in my gut from the amoxicillin i took for my tooth 2 weeks prior. talk about the worst stomach pain i’ve ever had in my life.
anyways i’m back and on some strong antibiotics and finally getting back into a routine, ie walking, talking again, moving around. it honestly through me for a loop because i haven’t been sick for 7-8 days since i was dopesick, which you can imagine, came with a bit of anxiety and depression. anyways all is good, we move.
elgoucho9
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 28, 2023
- Messages
- 1,915
I've had one of my old mates message me last night saying 'miss you bro hope all is good', he is someone i did the most drugs with with. We used to work together and were tight since like 2010. I felt bad so humoured him a little. Said i miss you too bro and explained i have been off all the stuff that was killing me for 6 weeks.
Next he tells me his brother (who is more stable and i'm also friends with), got a new flat. And that he's drunk. I laugh and tell them have a good one. He then invites me for a game of cards with the boys one night. I deflect but ultimately say that it would be good to catch up. I reinforce that i would be staying sober.
Next thing 'who can i get stuff off' , i tell him i have no idea cos i deleted every single graft type numers, and no longer associate with any of the local people i know sell sniff etc. He kept going on, running through the options so i aired the convo while speaking to someone else.
Next thing 'yeah that sounds good to me bro, small bets to make things interesting, you have to come' once again i swerve the convo about coming to play cards and change subject. He tells me hes just scored some coke off the Albanians. Which i kind of ignore and go to bed.
Woke up this morning to another message at 2am 'who can i get stuff off'.....
The moral of this story is despite the changes you've made yourself getting clean. Not everyone will change. Sadly with getting sober alot of these people need to go. It is part and parcel of being sober and changing your life. Some people say its lonely or you wind up with no friends. But it is better to be alone than surrounded by drama or people who are not your friend.
If you are trying to get sober use your head and cut off anyone who will steer you in the wrong direction.
Next he tells me his brother (who is more stable and i'm also friends with), got a new flat. And that he's drunk. I laugh and tell them have a good one. He then invites me for a game of cards with the boys one night. I deflect but ultimately say that it would be good to catch up. I reinforce that i would be staying sober.
Next thing 'who can i get stuff off' , i tell him i have no idea cos i deleted every single graft type numers, and no longer associate with any of the local people i know sell sniff etc. He kept going on, running through the options so i aired the convo while speaking to someone else.
Next thing 'yeah that sounds good to me bro, small bets to make things interesting, you have to come' once again i swerve the convo about coming to play cards and change subject. He tells me hes just scored some coke off the Albanians. Which i kind of ignore and go to bed.
Woke up this morning to another message at 2am 'who can i get stuff off'.....
The moral of this story is despite the changes you've made yourself getting clean. Not everyone will change. Sadly with getting sober alot of these people need to go. It is part and parcel of being sober and changing your life. Some people say its lonely or you wind up with no friends. But it is better to be alone than surrounded by drama or people who are not your friend.
If you are trying to get sober use your head and cut off anyone who will steer you in the wrong direction.
I can fully relate to this. A couple of months into sobriety asked my friend if he wanted to meet up for coffee and donuts and we did. We chatted for maybe an hour and he was getting increasingly excited. Then he starts saying that he's gonna go for a drive to score some. I was like "cool, you do you but I'm not coming with". Anyway,I've had one of my old mates message me last night saying 'miss you bro hope all is good', he is someone i did the most drugs with with. We used to work together and were tight since like 2010. I felt bad so humoured him a little. Said i miss you too bro and explained i have been off all the stuff that was killing me for 6 weeks.
Next he tells me his brother (who is more stable and i'm also friends with), got a new flat. And that he's drunk. I laugh and tell them have a good one. He then invites me for a game of cards with the boys one night. I deflect but ultimately say that it would be good to catch up. I reinforce that i would be staying sober.
Next thing 'who can i get stuff off' , i tell him i have no idea cos i deleted every single graft type numers, and no longer associate with any of the local people i know sell sniff etc. He kept going on, running through the options so i aired the convo while speaking to someone else.
Next thing 'yeah that sounds good to me bro, small bets to make things interesting, you have to come' once again i swerve the convo about coming to play cards and change subject. He tells me hes just scored some coke off the Albanians. Which i kind of ignore and go to bed.
Woke up this morning to another message at 2am 'who can i get stuff off'.....
The moral of this story is despite the changes you've made yourself getting clean. Not everyone will change. Sadly with getting sober alot of these people need to go. It is part and parcel of being sober and changing your life. Some people say its lonely or you wind up with no friends. But it is better to be alone than surrounded by drama or people who are not your friend.
If you are trying to get sober use your head and cut off anyone who will steer you in the wrong direction.
I haven't seen him since and I haven't chatted to him for a couple of months. Hope he's okay. Then there was one friend who said I'd never get off meth. Proved him wrong.
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eeeek c. diff is awful. Glad you're recovering. Antibiotics completely destroy your gut biome...no wonder!morning morning guys. sorry i’ve been afk, been in hospital innit. lmao
got something called ‘c diff’ in my gut from the amoxicillin i took for my tooth 2 weeks prior. talk about the worst stomach pain i’ve ever had in my life.
anyways all is good, we move.
tokayeahok
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2021
- Messages
- 756
yeah it’s been miserable. i handle pain really really well funnily enough, and this & that tooth infection just put me down the last month lmao.
hope all of you are doing alright today
