Recovery The 2023 Recovery Thread

[FatBellyWhipSlay]

so i am on about day 23 ish from when i stopped my bupe at 0.8mg

had to do it, sick of it, sick of being on it and the way it made me, its ruined my life just as much as full blown opiates

trying to hang in there but gotta be careful, been drinking a lot and also taking a lot of lope to help with the WDs, i just HATE not being able to sleep

ive had my hands burnt with lope before and was pure hell so i need to stop doing that shit now before its too late, also need to stop the drinking... wan, to start feeling better by Christmas , hope i can do it this time, i keep fvcking up

 

[tokayeahok]

so i am on about day 23 ish from when i stopped my bupe at 0.8mg

had to do it, sick of it, sick of being on it and the way it made me, its ruined my life just as much as full blown opiates

trying to hang in there but gotta be careful, been drinking a lot and also taking a lot of lope to help with the WDs, i just HATE not being able to sleep

ive had my hands burnt with lope before and was pure hell so i need to stop doing that shit now before its too late, also need to stop the drinking... wan, to start feeling better by Christmas , hope i can do it this time, i keep fvcking up

you can 100000% be better by christmas, hang in there. try to do a decent taper on the lope. i don’t have much experience using it as i was always cautious of the cardio toxicity but you can definitely do a decent taper off of that. then most of the lingering sun withdrawal symptoms will be gone.

 

[tokayeahok]

you can 100000% be better by christmas, hang in there. try to do a decent taper on the lope. i don’t have much experience using it as i was always cautious of the cardio toxicity but you can definitely do a decent taper off of that. then most of the lingering sun withdrawal symptoms will be gone.

sub *

 

[tokayeahok]

Hi, madness, mtu,

Sober from meth and hard drugs for about 14 months. And cigarettes. Been drinking a couple times a week, probably at least 4 drinks when I do, and vaping nicotine in large spurts, throwing it away, buying another, quite a compulsion.

If it wasn't for my now prosocial living environment I'm afraid I wouldn't be okay.

Gambling and masturbation have been troubling as well. Impulsivity is a thing, too, that I've been getting better at controlling, but to be frank, I know it sounds stupid to most people but boredom is very uncomfortable for me still.

As a young kid I remember getting so frustrated and always telling my mom how bored I was. She'd give me the same 4 or 5 ideas, none of which i remember to satisfy the feeling. Usually ended up playing video games, which is fine, but analyzing it right now it almost seems like a cop out to avoid trying to see and understand the nuances and complexities in life that I am still trying to find to this day, to find fulfillment ect.

I'm afraid my dysthymia has the best of me, at the moment.

Maybe another big life change is approaching.

Thanks, peace

sounds like myself as well in a few areas, particularly the impulsive things and finding other ways to numb myself during that first PAWS year. exercise helps me a lot, the runners high etc - but then my dopamine drops right back down and sorta crashes lower than normal just because whenever my dopamine spikes, due to my abuse with opiates in the past, when it drops - ir drops hard. so i struggle with being alone at home and compulsion. but lately i’ve been doing really well. there’s something different about this time getting clean on my end - as i don’t feel the need to drink or use something to numb myself. maybe it’s the SSRI esque alkaloids in the kratom, or maybe i’m just moving forward. but i can totally relate. proud of you. i know prosocial situations can be really intense to not go to but if you have any hobbies you can do inside, maybe you’ll start hugging the solace and the coziness of your walls again rather than demonizing them. i used to look at the walls in my bedroom and just be absolutely pissed & dreaded waking up and then started writing music again and the love for the space came back. maybe it’s because i’m in the countryside and in a cabin, but regardless of all the trauma that’s happened here i’ve learned to enjoy it somehow now

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yes I'm looking to slow down as well.

I'm glad you picked up on me alluding to experiencing things outside of myself and be comfortable with myself as I am, sober

Thanks

 

[CFC]

Hi, madness, mtu,

Sober from meth and hard drugs for about 14 months. And cigarettes. Been drinking a couple times a week, probably at least 4 drinks when I do, and vaping nicotine in large spurts, throwing it away, buying another, quite a compulsion.

If it wasn't for my now prosocial living environment I'm afraid I wouldn't be okay.

Gambling and masturbation have been troubling as well. Impulsivity is a thing, too, that I've been getting better at controlling, but to be frank, I know it sounds stupid to most people but boredom is very uncomfortable for me still.

As a young kid I remember getting so frustrated and always telling my mom how bored I was. She'd give me the same 4 or 5 ideas, none of which i remember to satisfy the feeling. Usually ended up playing video games, which is fine, but analyzing it right now it almost seems like a cop out to avoid trying to see and understand the nuances and complexities in life that I am still trying to find to this day, to find fulfillment ect.

I'm afraid my dysthymia has the best of me, at the moment.

Maybe another big life change is approaching.

Thanks, peace

In terms of the boredom thing, I'm similar. Computer games were a good salve for years, but it does feel aimless when you think about it. Doing projects feels like it works better - having some sort of self-contained novel thing to focus on for a short time (too long = boredom again), like building a bookcase, or fitting a kitchen, or creating a garden walk, or whatever. Hope you find something

 

[Jabberwocky]

In terms of the boredom thing, I'm similar. Computer games were a good salve for years, but it does feel aimless when you think about it. Doing projects feels like it works better - having some sort of self-contained novel thing to focus on for a short time (too long = boredom again), like building a bookcase, or fitting a kitchen, or creating a garden walk, or whatever. Hope you find something

Thanks bro.

Yes actually, that's been resonating with me recently - nice reminder, which I think I hear you saying: having a goal or a focus.

When I was bouncing around the city aimlessly, at least in the chaos I had a mission. Whether it be get a fix, find food, escape chaos, go to a doctor's appointment across the city, etc, I had no time to twiddle my thumbs.

I need a focus. Because I can focus, very well when it's something I'm invested in.

 

[Jnowhere]

Boredom sucks, gives me too much time to wallow in thoughts of a boring/ miserable aimless future. Unfortunately my screwed up brain has caused me to have no interest in anything other than the procrastination of things I should be doing. Self inflicted misery is not fun.

 

[tokayeahok]

Boredom sucks, gives me too much time to wallow in thoughts of a boring/ miserable aimless future. Unfortunately my screwed up brain has caused me to have no interest in anything other than the procrastination of things I should be doing. Self inflicted misery is not fun.

in terms of boredom, i try to really just push that energy and restlessness into at least being a good person/good son for mum and a good grandson for my grandparents. sometimes that helps a lot if i cant write music or do any other project at the time.

when i was in active addiction i also considering scoring everyday a mission and as fucked a mission it was, it gave me purpose within the boundaries of addiction, lmao.

 

[CFC]

having a goal or a focus

Yeah but moreso lots of little discrete goals I think (though maybe within some kinda abstract overarching 'plan' that maybe you never really achieve).

I notice that when confronted with the idea of a linear overarching goal or purpose or meaning to our life, with an abstract 'endpoint', those of with neurodiverse traits (ADHD/ASPD/ASD/HSP etc) tend to get stuck, as it just doesn't suit the way our brains work. And so we often feel like we're failing compared to others, or not reaching our potential, which just sets up a negative recursive loop, soothed by getting lost in drugs, rinse repeat.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yeah but moreso lots of little discrete goals I think (though maybe within some kinda abstract overarching 'plan' that maybe you never really achieve).

I notice that when confronted with the idea of a linear overarching goal or purpose or meaning to our life, with an abstract 'endpoint', those of with neurodiverse traits (ADHD/ASPD/ASD/HSP etc) tend to get stuck, as it just doesn't suit the way our brains work. And so we often feel like we're failing compared to others, or not reaching our potential, which just sets up a negative recursive loop, soothed by getting lost in drugs, rinse repeat.

Gotcha, great, makes sense - yeah like structure right? Is structure an example because I feel like I do well with it. Hard to implement myself, but if forced to a structure it does help.

Abstract concepts are interesting to think about in downtime but maybe something more hands on, less involved and something I can do bits of here and there? Would that work you think for someone with such traits?

I have a reverse coloring book - draw the lines. Sort of fun.. worried it will be nothing like the cover page but, what fun would it be if it were, anyway

 

[CFC]

Gotcha, great, makes sense - yeah like structure right? Is structure an example because I feel like I do well with it. Hard to implement myself, but if forced to a structure it does help.

Abstract concepts are interesting to think about in downtime but maybe something more hands on, less involved and something I can do bits of here and there? Would that work you think for someone with such traits?

I have a reverse coloring book - draw the lines. Sort of fun.. worried it will be nothing like the cover page but, what fun would it be if it were, anyway

IIRC you're ASPD+ADHD, so structure imposed from outside probably could be helpful, but generally I think if you enjoy whatever you're doing, you'll naturally get sucked in with a bit of hyperfocus until it's done.

It just needs to be a fairly short duration thing/task or you risk your interest and focus evaporating overnight and drifting into boredom again. And yeah, hands on stuff is generally always going to work best ime: it feels real, you see results in real time, shit gets done, boxes ticked, achievements reached.

Prolonged abstract tasks/goals where you're a little cog in a big wheel working on some meaningless waffly project or other? Avoid like the plague!

 

[Jabberwocky]

IIRC you're ASPD+ADHD, so structure imposed from outside probably could be helpful, but generally I think if you enjoy whatever you're doing, you'll naturally get sucked in with a bit of hyperfocus until it's done.

It just needs to be a fairly short duration thing/task or you risk your interest and focus evaporating overnight and drifting into boredom again. And yeah, hands on stuff is generally always going to work best ime: it feels real, you see results in real time, shit gets done, boxes ticked, achievements reached.

Prolonged abstract tasks/goals where you're a little cog in a big wheel working on some meaningless waffly project or other? Avoid like the plague!

Do you use any sort of healthy reward system?

 

[CFC]

Do you use any sort of healthy reward system?

Nah. That sounds really awesome and wonderful for people who can manage it. But I have proper ASD/ADHD and if I have a reward I eat it/snort it/smoke it/drink it first. Delayed gratification just doesn't work for me and my weak impulse control. Honestly, ADHD meds *do* work and give me excellent impulse control, but I gotta be careful or I binge and fuck everything up lol.

 

[Jabberwocky]

It does sound dope doesn't it.

Makes me think of a mouse experiment where you get like a sip of cocoa-water for shitting in the right spot

 

[tokayeahok]

y

Yeah but moreso lots of little discrete goals I think (though maybe within some kinda abstract overarching 'plan' that maybe you never really achieve).

I notice that when confronted with the idea of a linear overarching goal or purpose or meaning to our life, with an abstract 'endpoint', those of with neurodiverse traits (ADHD/ASPD/ASD/HSP etc) tend to get stuck, as it just doesn't suit the way our brains work. And so we often feel like we're failing compared to others, or not reaching our potential, which just sets up a negative recursive loop, soothed by getting lost in drugs, rinse repeat.

yeah everything seems incredibly overwhelming and chimerical doesn’t it, at that stage. wanting to make up for all lost experiences super quick and finish goals incredibly fast, it truly is overwhelming when you first get clean im still struggling with that because i’m not patient at all

 

[broncoseamonkey]

Four days sober.

Good day at the volunteer job. A co-worker provided cigarettes and i got plenty of food to take home too.

Went to the drug clinic to give a piss test and had a chat with one of their workers. Finally got a clear explanation of the things i have to do before i'm admitted to rehab. My social worker who was mediating the process earlier clearly had no idea what she was doing, which eventually led to me giving her a piece of my mind and almost ruining my chances at getting treatment, but it's all good now.

Messed around with the bass a little bit. Didn't really give me an urge to pick up music again, but works for killing time.

Hope rehab goes swell

music is therapy

two winters ago when I got laid off from a seasonal job I got a used electric guitar and signed up for a lesson but I only did one let someone talk me out of it but I am sure I binged and lost all motivation to stick to it

good job volunteering

 

[FatBellyWhipSlay]

you can 100000% be better by christmas, hang in there. try to do a decent taper on the lope. i don’t have much experience using it as i was always cautious of the cardio toxicity but you can definitely do a decent taper off of that. then most of the lingering sun withdrawal symptoms will be gone.

Thanks man I appreciate the support! I just got a load of meds from the doctor yesterday to help so I starting the lope reduction today ( i wasn't taking crazy amounts anyway like 48mg) and im cutting down on the booze

I got Zopiclone 7.5mg
Baclofen 30mg a day
Propranolol 40mg (take 3 times a day)

Once i am through this shit then the doc will taper me off the baclofen and propranolol

 

[Frog Dreams]

Decided to have a drink today. I am now a tab of acid in, plus about - I don't know - eight standard drinks.

If I have a drink - these days - my wife tells me I'm relapsing.

She is scared of the past repeating itself. It's hard to convince her that things are different now.

Some models of recovery will tell you it will never be different. This is the classic AA model.

I don't think this is sustainable. If this model isn't working for you, that's not your fault. Maybe it works for some people. Maybe. It certainly doesn't work for me.

It's important for me that people around me see the progress I'm making. If I drink too much once a month that's better than drinking too much every day. There's an upward trend. I'm not irredeemable.

I am a work in progress and I'm fucking proud of the progress I've made so far. I'm not ready to throw it all away every time I make a mistake.

I should be dead a thousand times already.

I count my blessings.

 

[Jabberwocky]

It's important for me that people around me see the progress I'm making. If I drink too much once a month that's better than drinking too much every day. There's an upward trend. I'm not irredeemable.

I am a work in progress and I'm fucking proud of the progress I've made so far. I'm not ready to throw it all away every time I make a mistake.

I totally agree.

Again as you mentioned, not to take away from the strength of AA sentiments - for me personally, there's a world of difference between compulsive and controlled drinking. Or anything, for that matter, but don't allow me to go there because I can pretty much justify anything. It's a horrible skill that I try to funnel into optimism as opposed to evading responsibility these days.

I'm not irredeemable either, as you said.

I'm fucking proud of my progress as well, as you said.

I need to just keep my self awareness and remain honest with myself. Make sure that I don't forget what got me here in the process.

By the way I'm specifically talking about periodically drinking vs daily drinking and hard drugs, if it matters for sake of conversation.