So I posted this in another place, but I'm gonna cross-post it, because I wanted to share how I'm feeling right now with my PD fam, too.
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Just wanted to express something... and that is that my girlfriend and I had sex 3 times this past week!

Not only is my libido back now that my testosterone is getting back to normal levels, but hers is, too! A few years ago now, when her physical troubles started to really come on strongly, her pain was largely coming from her uterus and surrounding areas... so sex started to hurt her, a lot. It was really difficult for me to deal with that at first, especially since the first half of our relationship had an amazing sexual component, in fact that was the first way we really connected strongly. She would always say that never in her life could she imagine going a week without sex... we didn't even go a day without it, almost ever, for years. And I still had my libido back then, so it was rough. Serious, chronic sexual frustration is extremely unpleasant. She cried about it a lot, and she would try to throw me a bone once in a while, but it was blatantly obvious that it was unpleasant and painful for her, she'd be in serious pain for days afterwards and during it she would be wincing and basically just be like "can you hurry up please?" Which obviously made me feel like a piece of shit, though she was trying not to make me feel bad.
But eventually I accepted it, and then suboxone and grief combined to destroy my sex drive, too. So I have just been existing in this weird place where we just don't ever have sex, and it had been so long that it was awkward. I had stopped really wanting to even cuddle or show affection, and it started feeling like we were just friends/roommates, and I started feeling more and more disconnected and discontent with the relationship. I was frequently fantasizing about breaking up with her, and wishing we'd never met because I still care about her and no matter what happens, I always will. But something was wrong and I missed the connection we had so much. I couldn't even recall when the last time I'd told her I love her was.

I was seriously starting to fully believe that it was just a fond memory that was in the past and I might never have that again with anyone if I stayed with her. It gave me a confusing and depressing and sad feeling that was always there in the back or the forefront of my mind. I was also starting to feel sad and even somewhat angry (with myself, with the situation, with life) when I would hear or read about other people who still have that.
Well, when I got home from Flow Jam, I had been a week on testosterone and festivals always make me feel more like my ideal self, and I was happy to see her, and got in bed to snuggle her, and made my first attempt to initiate something with her that I've made in way too long (until then, it had been at
least 6 months since we'd had sex, likely longer... we hadn't even flirted with each other or really expressed physical affection in almost that long, either), and much to my surprise, it worked. And she was into it, too. At the risk of TMI, there was more than enough, ah, moisture going on for things to go smoothly without adding any foreign moisture from a bottle, and she was wanting to do different positions and stuff. I didn't quite get her off because I was out of practice, but the very next day she jumped me and pulled me into her room and it was as good as it's ever been at the peak of our honeymoon phase. I think she hadn't had an orgasm in a long time and we were watching a show a few days before about orgasms/sex as anxiety reduction. And it worked, she had been in a bad bout of anxiety and the rest of the day she was on top of the world.
There have been 2 more times since then, with the same results. It feels like this huge, awkward cloud hanging between us has just vanished suddenly and it feels like it used to between us. When I look at her now, instead of feeling a mixture of apathy, sadness, frustration, and fatigue, I feel love and gratitude and fondness. I pinch her lovely perfect butt sometimes when I walk by and she pretends to be offended and then gives me a cute little smile. I act like a hungry beast and pretend to takes bites out of her and tell her that she's so tasty and beasts need to eat, it's the circle of life. The silliness and goofiness that I love that we have with each other is totally back, where a few weeks ago, it was smothered by awkward, unspoken pain, and I was wondering how it would even be possible to get it back because I felt like I had forgotten how to be that way with her.
Best of all though, instead of feeling like I'd given her all of my empathy and was an exhausted, drained battery, I am full of empathy and support again and am able to, and want to, be there for her as she takes the next step in trying to get a grip on her mental and physical health. Instead of feeling like I wish we could have just never even met in the first place and trying to figure out how I could find the will to endure the rest of my life with her, I find myself feeling so grateful that I have someone who loves me so much, for me, as I am, faults and all, without ever trying to change me or restrict me, and without a single abusive word or action towards me, even once, in almost a decade. And I'm 100% sure that she never will, either. I find myself wondering how I could have gotten so lucky to find someone who is such a sweet soul and who is so easy to get along with and so supportive, on my second try at a long-term adult relationship, especially after my first try was, like, the exact karmic opposite of that. Instead of the problems, I can see the good again, and it's so much stronger than the bad. I find myself feeling so grateful to her that she stood by my side unfailingly through this last period of my life, even though I was being cold and distant (though I want to also make clear that I wasn't being cruel to her in any way, I just couldn't summon the will to return the outpouring of love she has always shown me, for the past while)... she didn't falter, and the whole time she was just worried about me because she could tell something was wrong. I'm so lucky. A lot of people never find someone like that, and most people seem to be incapable of being that selfless in relationships.
I just like... I can't believe we got through this. I seriously thought it was gone and our relationship was irrevocably altered and tarnished.
I don't quite understand how she rediscovered her ability to enjoy sex at the same time as I did. It's not hurting her anymore. It's been like 3 or even 4 years since I have seen her really get into sex. It feels like a miracle! And I really mean that in a literal sense.
And lastly... I just wanted to thank those of you in here who encouraged me to go to a hormone doctor and get my testosterone checked. It's made such a big difference in my life already, and I don't even know if we've found the correct dose yet - my 1-month appointment is on Thursday. Seriously, thank you, thank you. It feels like a missing piece of my soul and/or life force have been returned to me. I had no idea how profoundly low T (and low estrogen, too) had been affecting me.
I finally feel like myself again!