This Life and The Struggle

Feeling completely trapped by my prescriptions. Like any other creative bipolar person would say, the meds feel like they're just stifling my personality in a sense. I'm still depressed but I'm just missing out on the highs and creativity that come along with being me. Like life is difficult-ish when I'm not on mood stabilizers but I can at least smile. And knowing that the last times I stopped taking abilify led to collosal meltdowns makes it feel like it's necessary that I should take it, or I'll freak out again. It's not a good feeling I feel trapped in someone else's misery.
 
deficiT said:
Feeling completely trapped by my prescriptions. Like any other creative bipolar person would say, the meds feel like they're just stifling my personality in a sense. I'm still depressed but I'm just missing out on the highs and creativity that come along with being me. Like life is difficult-ish when I'm not on mood stabilizers but I can at least smile. And knowing that the last times I stopped taking abilify led to collosal meltdowns makes it feel like it's necessary that I should take it, or I'll freak out again. It's not a good feeling I feel trapped in someone else's misery.
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Man,
Idk why you "gringos" resolve everything with pills, they are just bandaids. You'll never be able to overcome your problems by taking pills, have you ever considered doing an Ayahuasca ceremony? :eek: it would help with alot of those deep traumas u have. I send u a big hug. Lots of love, J.
nico xx
 
Oki doki-as to me......may Lord forgive me....was driven up the wall&was used to perform not "Christian"methods at all to cope the situation...but what can i do?I am not fightin' a human being
 
deficiT said:
********TRIGGER WARNING******** DARK SHIT, SUICIDE, MENTAL HEALTH*********







3 suicide attempts. 4 trips to rehab. 3 trips to the behavioral health unit. 4 overdoses. 1 trip to solitary confinement in jail for a week. So many car wrecks. Since 2014.

These are the dire consequences of the life I live and the result of my fatal impulses. It's like I seek destruction as a means and an end, and I finally have a feeling like I can overcome these things but it is still so difficult. I get antsy. I get anxiety. I am stable but devastation is always on deck to be released.

I have permanent physical consequences from my last suicide attempt. I severed an artery in my wrist with a sharp pocket knife, and I enflamed the tendonitis in my left knee to new levels after falling down some steps. These might be somewhat minor to some, but I now have this shit to upkeep and a permanent pain, I can no longer kneel or do a lot of normal things.

I'm starting this blog simply to tell my story and get my feelings out. I have to put it somewhere. And I trust the community of Bluelight to offer advice and solidarity as I go through these struggles. I am unemployed. Living at home with folks thankfully. But I'm at the point of desperation, all of my loans are behind and I have maybe 10 dollars to my name in all my accounts and stocks aside from my IRA. I'm hurting. I need help but the only person that can get me there is myself. Probably 6 months til I can drive, but my probation should be over in 2 months.

I'm getting there but it's tough. This is where I'm at. Feel free to tell me where you're at, I'd love to hear from all of you in your own individual ways. We are all important and we all have something to offer. That is the point of this website.

Anyway, I'll quit rambling for now. Sending you all love and positive energy. More to come I'm sure. I might write a book here who knows.
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I’m struggling too! Addiction has taken a toll on my life! I got my family back last year and reconciled with my husband after three years of separation! During that separation I was using heavily living wherever I could and went into a bad psychosis that landed me in the psyche ward six times! The last trip to the psyche they gave me meds and within a week it brought me back to my right mind and psychosis ended! It was crazy how powerful the antipsychotics worked for me! I started making stable decisions and went to rehab for a year! I worked on a lot of things and my family took me back! I have been home over a year now! I relapsed last year and told my husband I quitt and stopped! The crazy thing is I take meth and it barely does any for me because of the meds I’m in but I still do it! It gives me focus and some energy but not enough for me to keep doing it! I hide it from everyone! I am addicted and I keep trying to stop but I go through bad anxiety and get antsy and restless and I go back again! I hate hiding this but I don’t want to lose my family again so I hide it afraid of what they will think!…. I feel so stupid that I am stuck in this and should know better! I’m giving it another go this weekend to get it out of my life again! I feel so bad for keeping this a secret but can’t bring myself to tell him the truth! I hate lying! It’s driving me crazy
 
Tazadeguate said:
I’m struggling too! Addiction has taken a toll on my life! I got my family back last year and reconciled with my husband after three years of separation! During that separation I was using heavily living wherever I could and went into a bad psychosis that landed me in the psyche ward six times! The last trip to the psyche they gave me meds and within a week it brought me back to my right mind and psychosis ended! It was crazy how powerful the antipsychotics worked for me! I started making stable decisions and went to rehab for a year! I worked on a lot of things and my family took me back! I have been home over a year now! I relapsed last year and told my husband I quitt and stopped! The crazy thing is I take meth and it barely does any for me because of the meds I’m in but I still do it! It gives me focus and some energy but not enough for me to keep doing it! I hide it from everyone! I am addicted and I keep trying to stop but I go through bad anxiety and get antsy and restless and I go back again! I hate hiding this but I don’t want to lose my family again so I hide it afraid of what they will think!…. I feel so stupid that I am stuck in this and should know better! I’m giving it another go this weekend to get it out of my life again! I feel so bad for keeping this a secret but can’t bring myself to tell him the truth! I hate lying! It’s driving me crazy
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Don't feel stupid, you certainly aren't. You're caught in a cycle that many of us get caught in. There is no shame in that. You have made so much progress so don't forget that. Stay strong I believe in you 💪
 
Haven't posted in a while but I was proud of this mic drop and blasted on FB:

The DEA and CIA caused the current overdose crisis by limiting legitimate access to pain management, but they're not the only ones with dirty hands. Every nimby that doesn't want a rehab or a harm reduction exchange nearby, well take a look in a mirror and realize you are contributing to rampant disease spreading and pestilence and the death of a generation. You can wash your hands all you want but some stains don't come out.

When it's your son or daughter or loved one snuffed of life maybe you'll get it.
 
deficiT said:
Haven't posted in a while but I was proud of this mic drop and blasted on FB:

The DEA and CIA caused the current overdose crisis by limiting legitimate access to pain management, but they're not the only ones with dirty hands. Every nimby that doesn't want a rehab or a harm reduction exchange nearby, well take a look in a mirror and realize you are contributing to rampant disease spreading and pestilence and the death of a generation. You can wash your hands all you want but some stains don't come out.

When it's your son or daughter or loved one snuffed of life maybe you'll get it.
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I could say a few choice words about the dea and fda. And I guarantee you they arent pretty words.
 
Next week is my birthday & my family could help me have a few days pain & depression free for it, but instead they choose to take advantage of me.
So tired of people.


And I disagree with "pills being bandaids".
Some ailments can only be neutralized with "bandaids", so that people can function & enjoy life.
Not everyone takes pills because of some "trauma" from 500 years ago. They take them because it helps them work, get shit done, socialize, enjoy life, feel better, etc..
I know some one who's been to like 10 Ayahuasca ceremonies & she still ended up back on pills eventually. Psychedelics are not the "cure alls" that people make them out to be. They can help, definitely, but to say that "pills are just bandaids" but Ayahuasca (another drug) is any better is being kinda disingenuous. Can also depend on the person, the issue they have & the pill they're taking, but no DMT/Aya trip is gonna help me function better long term than say... opioids.
 
DeathIndustrial88 said:
Next week is my birthday & my family could help me have a few days pain & depression free for it, but instead they choose to take advantage of me.
So tired of people.


And I disagree with "pills being bandaids".
Some ailments can only be neutralized with "bandaids", so that people can function & enjoy life.
Not everyone takes pills because of some "trauma" from 500 years ago. They take them because it helps them work, get shit done, socialize, enjoy life, feel better, etc..
I know some one who's been to like 10 Ayahuasca ceremonies & she still ended up back on pills eventually. Psychedelics are not the "cure alls" that people make them out to be. They can help, definitely, but to say that "pills are just bandaids" but Ayahuasca (another drug) is any better is being kinda disingenuous. Can also depend on the person, the issue they have & the pill they're taking, but no DMT/Aya trip is gonna help me function better long term than say... opioids.
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Man I'm sorry about your family.

But you're right, there are many paths to self actualization, whether it's some form of outlet, a psychedelic, a psych med, or simply a decent job. We all want what's good for us, and what's good for one isn't for the other. Wishing you the best buddy.
 
nznity said:
Man,
Idk why you "gringos" resolve everything with pills, they are just bandaids. You'll never be able to overcome your problems by taking pills, have you ever considered doing an Ayahuasca ceremony? :eek: it would help with alot of those deep traumas u have. I send u a big hug. Lots of love, J.
nico xx
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Not to call you out but is Klonopin, morphine and cocaine NOT a bandaid as well? What's the difference between that and psych meds. If it improves your quality of life then do what's right for you. I would love an aya trip but I've smoked enough DMT and taken more psychs (in combos) than I could ever possibly recall that I think I get the picture. Psychedelics are medicine and it's criminal that they are treated like heroin.
 
deficiT said:
Not to call you out but is Klonopin, morphine and cocaine NOT a bandaid as well? What's the difference between that and psych meds. If it improves your quality of life then do what's right for you. I would love an aya trip but I've smoked enough DMT and taken more psychs (in combos) than I could ever possibly recall that I think I get the picture. Psychedelics are medicine and it's criminal that they are treated like heroin.
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True. But I mean like in general, u guys got the highest % of ur ppl on every kind of med.
I'm a dying person rn, a bit of the former mentioned meds keeps me alive tbh.
 
We're all slowly dying when you think about it. lol
Thinking about living another 30-40 years feeling like I do now seems like a nightmare. Especially when I know there's things out there that would help but it's "illegal".

They'll legalize euthanasia for mental illness before they allow people to just medicate with what they feel is right for them. Pretty ironic.
 
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