TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

[liveonce]

Just got told my best friend from my youth days committed suicide. He was 42. He was diagnosed with severe schizophrenia at age 14, he completely isolated himself and often had violent delusions targeted towards his mom. He lived more inside a psych ward than outside, and had to take a cocktail of neuroleptics and assorted pills to counter the side-effects. Which did improve his condition for a while, but as the side-effects were so severe, recently he did not want to take them anymore. His uncle on his father's side also was schizophrenic and also killed himself from severe depression.
I don't know how to take the news, it is still sinking in.

I'm so sorry to hear. My diagnosis is drug induced schizophrenia. Luckily I've stayed mostly clean and found recovery. I hope you find peace and your friend finds peace in heaven. living w schizophrenia is very hard. prayers and warmth

 

[1tbps]

I :hear4t: y'all. Badass post. People care and that helps.

 

[deficiT]

Just got told my best friend from my youth days committed suicide. He was 42. He was diagnosed with severe schizophrenia at age 14, he completely isolated himself and often had violent delusions targeted towards his mom. He lived more inside a psych ward than outside, and had to take a cocktail of neuroleptics and assorted pills to counter the side-effects. Which did improve his condition for a while, but as the side-effects were so severe, recently he did not want to take them anymore. His uncle on his father's side also was schizophrenic and also killed himself from severe depression.
I don't know how to take the news, it is still sinking in.

This is awful to hear from you. I truly hope you are able to process your grief in a healthy manner, and don't allow yourself to sink.

Just keep in mind, that your friend is in peace now. A peace we will all feel some day, but until the day we do, take this as a powerful reminder to be of service to and do good for others as you can.

 

[deficiT]

For the first time in a while, I have a plan. Stood in my kitchen for a good 5-10 minutes in a trance developing it in my mind. I still don't know if I have the heart to go through with it, but things are just beginning to be too much.

I've lost three jobs this past year. Jobs monkeys could do. Bluelight was a safe place for me, but it's become nothing but strife, partially of my own doing, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. The love of my life is dead. My wife left me two years ago. I can't get away from this legal trouble. Can't get my music to sound right. Can't find any friends. I'm feeling like there really is nothing here for me and that my existence is merely a chore for others.

The ideation has at this point reached it's zenith and I'm feeling as bad as I've ever felt.

 

[sohrah]

I don't want to die. I also don't want to be around anyone right now which should make interviewing for a new job exhilarating. God sent a woman to live with me she doesn't work so we're always home together for the time being as I can't seem to hold a job still it was definitely nicer when I was working it is something I just need to do right now or this will get more complicated or lamentable rather.

She was suicidal. She seems to be doing better but having to live with an active addict has to be nerve wracking. Thinking of her makes me not care so much about my own life and want to ensure her future wellness she doesn't have anyone lost her parents right after college now filed for bankruptcy.

 

[Asclepius]

I don't want to die. I also don't want to be around anyone right now which should make interviewing for a new job exhilarating. God sent a woman to live with me she doesn't work so we're always home together for the time being as I can't seem to hold a job still it was definitely nicer when I was working it is something I just need to do right now or this will get more complicated or lamentable rather.

She was suicidal. She seems to be doing better but having to live with an active addict has to be nerve wracking. Thinking of her makes me not care so much about my own life and want to ensure her future wellness she doesn't have anyone lost her parents right after college now filed for bankruptcy.

Look after, yourself, firstly.
You have no responsibility, to deal with anyone, specifically, if you feel insecure about yourself, at the present.
Be pragmatic, smart & wise.

 

[deficiT]

Unfortunately tonight is the night I lose the battle

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

Unfortunately tonight is the night I lose the battle

Hey , no it fuckin isn't.

Sleep on it at least, see how tomorrow feels

 

[Fanzy]

I will kill myself. Because injection of AP. Big pharma and the medecine are satan

 

[Phantasia]

Unfortunately tonight is the night I lose the battle

No, you will not lose the battle. As APF so wisely said, sleep on it. If you are religious, pray. If you are not, meditate and develop a plan for getting through the next day. Then the next week, then the next near. No matter how you feel about yourself, you are valuable and worthy of love and respect. I will pray for all here in the depths of despair.

 

[1tbps]

According to the current scientific theory God IS real. Jesus died on the cross for your sins. Unfortunately, there's only one sin you can't be forgiven for and that's suicide. You can't repent, because you're dead. You're going to hell.

Luckily, that's in another parallel universe. I'm just trying to keep your mind busy for a second in hopes that it will give you more time on this beautiful planet. Whatever you're dealing with I know it's hard, I've been there in my own way. There are more chapters of your life. You are needed.

 

[deficiT]

I will kill myself. Because injection of AP. Big pharma and the medecine are satan

I am sorry you're feeling this way fanzy. Just know that I care, and I'm sure your family cares. You've been through a lot of trauma. It might not go away overnight, but it will get better. I can't say I'm exactly thrilled I'm still alive right now, but I'm going to at least try to be positive towards people that need it.

According to the current scientific theory God IS real. Jesus died on the cross for your sins. Unfortunately, there's only one sin you can't be forgiven for and that's suicide. You can't repent, because you're dead. You're going to hell.

Luckily, that's in another parallel universe. I'm just trying to keep your mind busy for a second in hopes that it will give you more time on this beautiful planet. Whatever you're dealing with I know it's hard, I've been there in my own way. There are more chapters of your life. You are needed.

While I appreciate the sentiment, and am as spiritual as the next guy, I've never cared for this belief or reconciled with it. Too many good people would be in hell if this was the case.

 

[1tbps]

It's 3:30 am here and the only thing that's keeping me from being more depressed is this forum.

I am sorry you're feeling this way fanzy. Just know that I care, and I'm sure your family cares. You've been through a lot of trauma. It might not go away overnight, but it will get better. I can't say I'm exactly thrilled I'm still alive right now, but I'm going to at least try to be positive towards people that need it.


While I appreciate the sentiment, and am as spiritual as the next guy, I've never cared for this belief or reconciled with it. Too many good people would be in hell if this was the case.

I hope so.

 

[Asclepius]

For the first time in a while, I have a plan. Stood in my kitchen for a good 5-10 minutes in a trance developing it in my mind. I still don't know if I have the heart to go through with it, but things are just beginning to be too much.

I've lost three jobs this past year. Jobs monkeys could do. Bluelight was a safe place for me, but it's become nothing but strife, partially of my own doing, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. The love of my life is dead. My wife left me two years ago. I can't get away from this legal trouble. Can't get my music to sound right. Can't find any friends. I'm feeling like there really is nothing here for me and that my existence is merely a chore for others.

The ideation has at this point reached it's zenith and I'm feeling as bad as I've ever felt.

The only thing you have the heart to do, is live.
Am sorry you've been through so much but I know that you will take a new perspective, getting through & more importantly, standing up to & facing things & NOT bowing to others, or your own, low expectations of yourself.
You are lovely.

I hope you never bet your self worth on anything other, than your genuineness, to strive, toward making your life healthier, and more real & compassionate, for yourself.

You always seemed to me to be a smart individual looking to connect to something meaningful. Have patience, your resilience will grow, once you treat yourself with the respect you deserve & honour your frailties, so you can learn.
Love & respect for you, brother.

 

[Flynnal]

I will kill myself. Because injection of AP. Big pharma and the medecine are satan

I will too, because of the booster that damaged my left ear, causing distortion which then crossed over to my right ear. A coincidence that it started happening right after the booster, or was it just the natural progression of Meniere's disease? I have no idea, all I know is that just days after I got the shot my hearing seemed to go to shit. Ting ting ting bzzzz chrrrr. It'sa fucking right mess.

I honestly wish my injection was just the AP injection, and not something that irrevocably fucked up the neurological structures that were part of my most precious sense. I could recover from an AP shot...but from this? I'm afraid I have no recourse and that all I can do is get barbiturates later so that I can go out painlessly. I'm still looking for that stash of vinylbital but haven't found it and I think I know why I can't find it. I'm sort of making peace with myself and just giving up looking for it because deep down I know it's in landfill since I've moved which was like more then 7 years ago. I wonder if it's hidden under the old mobile home I lived in? Awww fuck that, it's gone and I know it. Not sure what else there is, I know that opiates are no good because they are unreliable. I don't think clonazepam is reliable either. I think that's why barbiturates got the flick once benzos came onto the scene since they are so much safer in this regard. I reckon it's because people were offing themselves on barbs that they started really cracking down on barbs in the 80s and 90s. There was even public scare campaign ads about barbs back in 1989 here in Australia. If I remember, it was only late at night when the kids would be in bed. It certainly wasn't seen during the day. It was a like a way after 9pm thing and it was something along the lines of "drug offensive" where people were seen collapsing and vomiting after mixing Nembutal and Tuinal with alcohol. I remember the pills all over the bathroom floor and a ton of vomit with some song playing and I recall the lyrics went like "I'll change tomorrow"...There was also a major scare campaign against alcohol as well under the same banner of "drug offensive"...well, alcohol is one fucking hell of a drug so there's that.

 

[Fanzy]

I will too, because of the booster that damaged my left ear, causing distortion which then crossed over to my right ear. A coincidence that it started happening right after the booster, or was it just the natural progression of Meniere's disease? I have no idea, all I know is that just days after I got the shot my hearing seemed to go to shit. Ting ting ting bzzzz chrrrr. It'sa fucking right mess.

I honestly wish my injection was just the AP injection, and not something that irrevocably fucked up the neurological structures that were part of my most precious sense. I could recover from an AP shot...but from this? I'm afraid I have no recourse and that all I can do is get barbiturates later so that I can go out painlessly. I'm still looking for that stash of vinylbital but haven't found it and I think I know why I can't find it. I'm sort of making peace with myself and just giving up looking for it because deep down I know it's in landfill since I've moved which was like more then 7 years ago. I wonder if it's hidden under the old mobile home I lived in? Awww fuck that, it's gone and I know it. Not sure what else there is, I know that opiates are no good because they are unreliable. I don't think clonazepam is reliable either. I think that's why barbiturates got the flick once benzos came onto the scene since they are so much safer in this regard. I reckon it's because people were offing themselves on barbs that they started really cracking down on barbs in the 80s and 90s. There was even public scare campaign ads about barbs back in 1989 here in Australia. If I remember, it was only late at night when the kids would be in bed. It certainly wasn't seen during the day. It was a like a way after 9pm thing and it was something along the lines of "drug offensive" where people were seen collapsing and vomiting after mixing Nembutal and Tuinal with alcohol. I remember the pills all over the bathroom floor and a ton of vomit with some song playing and I recall the lyrics went like "I'll change tomorrow"...There was also a major scare campaign against alcohol as well under the same banner of "drug offensive"...well, alcohol is one fucking hell of a drug so there's that.

I took an injection of invega, a neuroleptic. and what did you take?

 

[Flynnal]

I took an injection of invega, a neuroleptic. and what did you take?

One dose of Pfizer COVID vax as a booster shot. I'm not entirely sure if it was that or just a coincidence, but my Meniere's disease seems to have followed a specific timeline and cadence. The right ear suddenly went partially deaf and there was a humming and distortion of sound that lasted a few hours with the tinnitus lasting about a month. Then it "recovered". Then 6 months later the tinnitus suddenly came on and set in permanently and there was a temporary distortion that lasted 6 weeks. Then, 6 months after that, I got the exact same humming/distortion problem in the left ear that also went away the same as it did for the right ear the first time it happened...and the left ear also started ringing out of the blue about 6 months after that happened. Luckily I hit it with a dose of steroids, and a high dose of benzos to tame it. It seemed to go away...but 2 months later, here I notice a weird distortion that I can hear over softer sounds...it depends on what the sound is, anything above say 5kHz is at the mercy of this distortion/buzzing/glassy sound. I also recall that I heard a sudden "ping" that lasted a couple of seconds, a few days after the booster shot. It was bizarre. I know that it IS LIKELY permanent damage. There can be no other possibility. The ear should not ever be distorted like that. It's a sign that the nerve probably got fucked up somewhere along the auditory pathway. The high frequencies are getting massively screwed up...as though someone put it through a bad speaker setup. Sizzling.

I have NFI how this exactly happened, but I have my suspicions. Either way, I know I am fucked if this is permanent. No way can I deal with this shit.

 

[Deleted member 554582]

Just got told my best friend from my youth days committed suicide. He was 42. He was diagnosed with severe schizophrenia at age 14, he completely isolated himself and often had violent delusions targeted towards his mom. He lived more inside a psych ward than outside, and had to take a cocktail of neuroleptics and assorted pills to counter the side-effects. Which did improve his condition for a while, but as the side-effects were so severe, recently he did not want to take them anymore. His uncle on his father's side also was schizophrenic and also killed himself from severe depression.
I don't know how to take the news, it is still sinking in.

Just got told my best friend from my youth days committed suicide. He was 42. He was diagnosed with severe schizophrenia at age 14, he completely isolated himself and often had violent delusions targeted towards his mom. He lived more inside a psych ward than outside, and had to take a cocktail of neuroleptics and assorted pills to counter the side-effects. Which did improve his condition for a while, but as the side-effects were so severe, recently he did not want to take them anymore. His uncle on his father's side also was schizophrenic and also killed himself from severe depression.
I don't know how to take the news, it is still sinking in.

Horroble man...i'm feel bad.Wish u power to overcome this.May God ,Holy Mother&angels be with u.U will overrun this,but trauma will stand

 

[Deleted member 554582]

Hey , no it fuckin isn't.

Sleep on it at least, see how tomorrow feels

Great advice...in such moments try sleep(pop a pill or so)the dream heals,.aonother morning brings another things

 

[1tbps]

Unfortunately, I don't think i'm going to achieve my goal of 420 posts. I've fought my addictions long enough. I've given up everything I've ever loved to protect it from me. You see, I'm a monster that can't be fixed. I'm not gay, but it has given me gay tendencies, but only when I'm on crack/meth.

I've attempted suicide more times than I can count with my fingers. I'm a big ole pussy, though. I can't seem to finish.

Before anyone says I shouldn't do it yada yada it's just my time. I you guys/gals.

Also, no more sad sack story BS. It's all fun and games now.

Edit: Suicide's off the table. Thanks BL