liveonce
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2013
- Messages
- 13
much love life can be cruel. hope things are okay. living with childhood trauma and all that is the worst. hugs and heartsHmm could I have possibly stumbled upon a place to let out/share my living hell? Welp going for it. I know there is so many people so much worse off then me. My own father loves to remind me of that in the most hurtful ways. These last few months though it made me come to the realization it is not ok to compare other people's pains and misery in such a way to cause you're self to feel bad for being depressed. Besides he's truly just a fucking asshole anyways and like most just doesn't seem to understand me. I also learned to stop blaming everyone else and my past on my current situation. Not denying that my past has definitely played a significant role in a lot of my issues I've been dealing with. Nor am I not saying something's could of been better had people been they're aswell as somes actions and choices could of made a difference. More or less I've just come to realize it's pointless atleast for me and the people that were and were not there. Just don't have the energy for it and they can live with it I have for far to long. So my boohoo poor me started and stemmed from my earliest memories of parents fighting dumb ass father getting beer muscles and my mother promptly kicking his ass. We moved around a lot and one of the times we were going to stay in Florida leaving ny which I can't even tell you how many times we made that move xD but yea I ended up getting a bug bite on the back of my head which got infected and grew into a mass I'd say around the size of a softball. Had to be somewhere around 5 or 6 years old cause I do not recall ever going to school without the dread and anxiety that came with it. Not that I recall going to school when it was still there but rather after the traumatic experience of my drunk father coming home while I was laying on the couch and sitting on me which ripped the damn thing off o good times good times. But yea left a huge scar on the back of my head which also included having to wear a net on my head to hold a gauze in place for I can't even remember how long felt like years. Before all this I was a anxious shy kid. Now starting school no friends no stability I had a huge target right on my head to draw attention to me unwanted attention. I'm sure most know how cruel other kids can be. So I won't get to much into all that. But yea parents eventually split up and me being a dumb kid ended up being mad at my mother for it when he was the POS drunk who was suppose to get me and my sister on the weekends and always promised he would but always canceled last minute cause he was in a band blah blah. My mother was pretty out there mental health wise aswell. Severe migraines she would sleep most of the time. So I was alone most of the time other then my little sister. She's really been the only consistent person who was good to me. I mean besides early teenage years she knew how to throw me into a absolute rage xD. Had 2 surgeries to reduce the size of the scar last one I had when I was 11 woke up high on morphine lovely compared to the first waking up feeling like someone was trying to scalp me. Mom ended up leaving me and my sister with our great grandma for what she says was only a year but felt longer idk. She got her lpn license during that time and met the guy who would become my stepfather. That was a major adjustment for me I was already self harming at age 9 and his presence just infuriated me more. At that time I realized how much hatred I had inside of me I hated myself and I hated everyone else. Hated when I was younger my mother and father would leave me behind realized and felt that is what everyone will do to me. Learned today actually more like realized that I have a lot of rejection issues lol. I was on the road to becoming a little serial killer or some shit the age I was at the time obsessed with death and inflicting pain on anything.i could. My stepfather was a sarcastic ass hole who would be mean in his own way but out of all the adults in my life I'm glad he was there. Love that man well once I learned sarcasm haha. Skip ahead a little 14 started hanging out with older ppl going to father's occasionally playing drinking games he remarried stepmother was cool just a little out there. Then they would get so drunk he started hitting her black out drunk rage getting all up like he was going to come for me. Use to scare the hell outta me. But yea when in highschool I decided I did not want to live past 21 and hung out with a dude like 3 or 4 years older he got me robbing houses and someone I considered a friend's father's Percocets and morphine patches. I was easily pushed into things I never felt comfortable doing alwayss as angry and hateful as I was and my horrible feelings towards people my anxiety and fear was just as strong. This dude introduced me to so many drugs then got me working with him for this sick old child molester who gave us oxy 40s think I was 17 at the time. Easy gig dude was a dog breeder I even ended up living there helped me stick up for myself since it was either get groped or put the ass in his place. Welp fast forward I turned 18 dropped out left old dudes house flew to live with my mother in Florida for a couple months b4 coming back to NY. That's when I met my future wife. Being afraid of abandonment rejection and thinking I deserved nothing and still planned on offing myself I broke up with her so many times when we first started dating I was such a ass. We ended up having my first daughter pretty early on. Like holy fackin hell what's going on how did she convince me of this xD I hated kids never wanted any. I was blown away by my little girl tho. But being the dumb young person I still broke up with her mother a few times after that. We always ended up back together she never gave up on me she never rejected me for my problems she saw someone something inside me I never knew was there. We had our second child few years later my first lil boy. Was a lot for me but shes a natural who always wanted kids which eventually rubbed off on me because now I absolutely love and adore babies lol. Then bathsalts hit went through that somehow survived. She never did any drugs or alcohol until much later in life. Her mother was savagely cruel true definition of a narcissist. But after the bathsalts at some point alcohol the one thing that caused me so much pain growing up the one thing I swore I'd never let take me like so many on my father's side got me. Wasn't so bad first few years we had another girl then another boy. I've been on antidepressants and all that on and off since I was about 10 and my mother would get Zoloft samples from where she worked and gave them to me. So last 3 or 4 years me and my wife were together I was on meds trying to figure my shit out was able to get my doctor to cycle me through all the big benzos her brothers stayed with us allmost beat him bad while drinking I was just losing myself in depression I've been suicidal my whole life worse with booze obviously. But yea was so busy getting drunk I didn't even notice she fell out of love those last 4 years yet stuck around trying to get through to me. We had our issues b4 I had a lot of trouble expressing myself and she always jumped to conclusions and wouldn't let me find what I would be trying to tell her so I guess I gave up. So she finally gave up on me. Broke up became a stripper. It's been 3 or 4 years now she's moved on she's tried to be my friend she has tried alot for me. Not saying she hasn't done a lot that's caused me a lot of pain but most of it is unintentional. I'm still very much I love with her she loves me but not in the same way. I completely understand her reasoning. We had many good years together truly b4 I hit the vodka that was the only time in my life I recall being happy. I lost so much of my anger and hatred gained patience and love. I just turned to that damn booze for my depression anxiety and all the stress and pent up emotions I did not understand. I should of turned to her more I always thought she would be there that we would grow old together all stuff that I had no intentions of doing. I took her for granted. All these things I never wanted became things I do not want to live without. I have done nothing but try to change and get better ever since and always failed. I have failed at pretty much everything my entire life. Can't really think of anything that I haven't. She was is so much better looking then me people always asked why she was with me I had no idea. She gave me so much and I managed to mess it all up. This past year I gave up been staying with my father thought it was ok since he turned his life around but nope he was doing meth again took about 2 weeks of me being back b4 I gave in and started my selfdestruction shit didn't even make me feel good ever since bathsalts stims we're meh we were using everyday for months I stopped seeing my kids talking to her. O months b4 the meth I oded on h and fentnyl took 5 shots and 2 nasal sprays to bring me back pissed me off wasn't intentional but I couldn't imagine a more perfect way then not knowing at all. But yea never went back to drs after that started meth again was also prescribed 2 types of Adderall Lexapro 30mg mirtazipine 45mg and can't remember what else. He got tough with me one day I had a mental breakdown flashbacks of when he would drink and break shit he thought I was overreacting so he found it fine to make fun of me for it. Went on for another month or so b4 I turned to my sister and told her we needed to get off the shit so had her get a hold of other family to handle my father without him knowing I threw us under the bus. He's only acted tough once since the incident till I reminded him I am far from afriad of him he only got away with what he did because of my breakdown. But all through that withdrawal depression was horrible I decided to just stop taking all my meds aswell. Last month b4 we quit I was having body spasms chest pain back pain arm numb then all limbs would start to go numb. Pretty sure I had a mild heart attack idk. But quitting all my meds at once I really thought would finish me off but nope. Been over a month still here still have a weird heartbeat and my one and only friend finally talked me into going to my doctor. The one thing meth did do was help me off alcohol I can no longer drink without liver pain and severe depression and I just do not enjoy it anymore. Being off my meds even tho should of done it in a safe way has left me more clear headed then I have been in so long. The way I went about that I do not know how I'm alive I had seizures and all that. My father was well aware of everything I was doing and experienceing but he thinks I'm stupid and do not know what my body is going through and honestly I counted on it cause I wanted to die. But longer I've been off all that more control of feelings plus kratom has done wonders for my mood and emotional control I can talk to her again the kids again I still have really bad days and I can say things out of pain that I do not mean it's a reflex from so much rejection but I'm seeing that now and working on it. I doubt we will ever be together again which makes me feel that I will never be happy again but I did it to myself and I can't make her feel bad for any of it. This is all just the surface of so much more I know I'm leaving out so much and if you actually made it through all of it well damn lol. First time I've ever attempted putting all of me out they're don't even do that in therapy haha thanks for reading michaels talk laterrr
,Holy Mother&angels be with u.U will overrun this,but trauma will stand