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  • Trip Reports Moderator: Cheshire_Kat

Meth - Retrospective - 4 YEAR METH STORY OF MADNESS

P

Pawaini

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 21, 2022
Messages
101
4 YEAR METH MADNESS EVOLUTION
This is part of how my psychosis evolved ,how meth turned me into an abstract no sense, much appreciated if anyone related with any of the hallucinations or delusions, my psychotic self if it’s curious about that

Stage I - ends sobriety, MDMA alike warm and hyper awake feeling, ok with not eating or drinking

Stage II - Talkative and socializing with the tweaker community, feeling accepted, sleeps at home

Stage III - Hyper stimulated hooked to be in that place night and day, curious about all the no sense, buys beer and pizza for all, wants to help everyone

Stage VI - Highly motivated to start dealing dope, tweaking on cleaning dirt, dealer perception as super ugly, planning thinking in buy more dope, feeling energized, smoke at her pad, experimenting first long crash with minor issues, make drawings super high and feels super easy

Stage V - Awake and motivated, group psychosis, noticing something about the dealer, level him up, buys two ounces from the other cartel and scalate to 3 gram dosing, lost a few pounds, fun times with a harsh ending, getting anotes by teakers bs

Stage VI - own psychosis and paranoia, starts to seeing shadow people, hear others thoughts, get rid of phone..tweakers took her yellow iPhone, they took her Tiffany’s, grandiose fantasies, narcos and cartels bs, wants to burn the sofa, wears the squid hat, detaching form famlily, starts to tooks family possessions, military hallucinations, cover the iMac cameras with tape, a guy is killed a the the terrain and abandoned a few blocks away, afraid of being involved

Stage VII - help Teakers to house robbery, gets a new job just to keep the habit, smokes at work, not trusting on people, lost a half ounce, paranoia of being assaulted, weird teaking sessions,laughs loud because Cartoon Network and Nintendo characters, weird relationships developed at the terrain, heard god guiding her, experiments the upsidedown, lost her job

Stagr VII - thinks the world it’s a chess board, believes can materialize thoughts, starts to relate all evenrs and people in her mind, becomes the center of the universe, believes can catch signals like a radio, talks about time travel

Stage VIIi - thinks shoes and clothing leads the persona actions, gets rid of the shoes shoes and walks barefoot on the streets, can’t stand on red floors, starting to see patterns on everything, started to math with vehicle plates and letterings

Stage IX - obsessive compulsive stats, leaves her home, being arrested at the market for reordering groceries, thought witches took their parents souls, thinks cartoons are based on her life, personal atribution of everything she witness, demonic and hell visual hallucinations, says they are not her parents, being Locked on rehab against her will

Stage X - Leaves rehab, moves by her own, talks to herself, likes to sit over the fridge, obsessed on tiny dolls, travels to Europe with a collection Nerf guns and a lot of ramdom no sense things, finally meets her son, say seeing word war 2 goshts at the attiic, steals vladimirs putin time magazine from an kiosk, goes to Barcelona, hides things, treat books as a person, keeps seeing messages for her in lettering, psychosis continues ...

Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_methamphetamine
substancecode_meth
substancecode_amphetamines
explevel_retrospective
exptype_negative
exptype_lifechanging
exptype_addiction
roacode_smoked
roacode_inhaled
 
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Nurse Ratched said:
Holy Shit. That isn't a trip report. That's a long ass train ride into the depths of hell.

Sure as hell hope you can bounce back from all of this.

You don't still do meth right?
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I recovered my sanity after what I said traveling between Mexico and Europe, being locked in 3 rehabs and 2 psych units and worked as substance abuse counselor, I recently released from the last one, two months ago, the latest psychotic trip was about Netflix and Disney accessing to my phone, my tv and my sons to use our data to thru Artificial Inteligence generate content, i was so convinced and so close to lose my mind again, that acctually had a serious talk with a lawyer firm.

Right now I’m on a survivor mode trying to talk about it and just let it go, holding into my next trip to “safe” Luxembourg.

*sighs*

My worries are now Russian vodka and Belgium beer.

I have to be honest I still have my dealers number., but every time I feel tempted I bring to my mind a girl who meet at rehab that never come back.

Still obsessed with the tiny dolls and kicking out narcos books.

🥰 truly appreciated you read me
 
I merged your two threads together.

I'd consider this (loosely) a retrospective trip report, so I'll keep it here.

I wish you the best in your recovery, and I hope you stay off meth. My oldest friend was psychotic for quite some time, he's been sober for about 3 and a half years and it still has an impact on his personality, his psychosis disappeared after more than a year, but he still can't figure out which things were real that he experienced and his personality is not quite the same, but he's doing well. I still worry about him, though.
 
Xorkoth said:
I merged your two threads together.

I'd consider this (loosely) a retrospective trip report, so I'll keep it here.

I wish you the best in your recovery, and I hope you stay off meth. My oldest friend was psychotic for quite some time, he's been sober for about 3 and a half years and it still has an impact on his personality, his psychosis disappeared after more than a year, but he still can't figure out which things were real that he experienced and his personality is not quite the same, but he's doing well. I still worry about him, though.
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Thank you to take your time to do that much appreciated
 
Yeah thats quite a wild ride. I've met allot of Tweekers and still wonder since I rolled heavy couple times with MDMA and used Crack. Does the brain literally run out of dopamine and serotonin no matter how much some body either smokes it or slams it?
Reason I say this is I manage to FUEL the chem and since top of line Crystal would unload allot more does'nt it just become ineffective no matter how hard or much one tries to keep rolling ? Just curious .....:unsure::green banana:
 
Pawaini said:
How you doing with that?
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About at day nine now, day three my dr. let me hold my hand's in front of me and they were showing the typical trembling of WD's.

Light WD's but it kind of chocked me. Last week I went to a NA meeting, because strangely enough the regular medical system seems a bit handicapped when it comes down to treating addiction's.
 
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Keep calm, check the rights not the wrongs , I know that feeling when gets it physical.

Yesterday I had a stressing bad trip, I mashed the pipe and just telling myself not ever again let me be part of any kind of misery or madness.

I know my mother have a entire bottle of Klonopin but I can’t find it, i need a little help to calm down my nerves, after that I know I will horribly crash, but firmly decided make myself function as far I can without that shit.

Next week I have a group session and today my psychiatrist.

Best wishes
Everything will be ok.
 
Pawaini said:
4 YEAR METH MADNESS EVOLUTION

Stage I - ends sobriety, MDMA alike warm and hyper awake feeling, ok with not eating or drinking

Stage II - Talkative and socializing with the tweaker community, feeling accepted, sleeps at home
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What was it that made you go past stage 2? I assume your use will of Meth was daily at this point?

I’m a monthly user at Stage 1, going on year 7 now.
 
So long time user here about 20 years amphetamines and 15 years methamphetamine. Use is daily no longer do i get anything at all out of it except to not have a breakdown i need to hotrail about a half g to g in one fat water bong hot rail but point im making is this; I am having a hard time trying to make sense of what i am doing now so simple staying on task and cognitive thought has gone down alot i am always getting into fights with my chick cause i think shes on some shit and she wont admit it, i dont think its fair to use my drug use against me when im right. Back on topic okay so im trying to quit this ice thing and im really having a time with it because i cant walk away from some the people involved with it, also i tend to just replace it with something when im not using ice, yes i can stop yes i want to stop but i cant stop the psychological cluster fuck running around like a maniac looking for a bag a bowl something, its like i cant be sober sober. I dont know maybe here i can find some peace in my head when i try to quit and i have no one thats not negative about everything in my life around me. I wonder if i can make it without using tonight>?
 
nuggbones313 said:
So long time user here about 20 years amphetamines and 15 years methamphetamine. Use is daily no longer do i get anything at all out of it except to not have a breakdown i need to hotrail about a half g to g in one fat water bong hot rail but point im making is this; I am having a hard time trying to make sense of what i am doing now so simple staying on task and cognitive thought has gone down alot i am always getting into fights with my chick cause i think shes on some shit and she wont admit it, i dont think its fair to use my drug use against me when im right. Back on topic okay so im trying to quit this ice thing and im really having a time with it because i cant walk away from some the people involved with it, also i tend to just replace it with something when im not using ice, yes i can stop yes i want to stop but i cant stop the psychological cluster fuck running around like a maniac looking for a bag a bowl something, its like i cant be sober sober. I dont know maybe here i can find some peace in my head when i try to quit and i have no one thats not negative about everything in my life around me. I wonder if i can make it without using tonight>?
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Hey, you might want to check our subforum "The Dark Side". You'll get more replies and some good support there, if you're looking for that.

The Dark Side

Support, links and general advice about psychological and emotional problems resulting from drug use/abuse, mental health, and other every day issues
bluelight.org bluelight.org

The struggle is real. <3 And there are a lot of people on here experiencing the same kind of thing. You could start a thread with what you posted here.
 
Thursday night I overdosed and was given 6 narcan shots and i barely made it through I can't do this no more that's prolly my 20th OD and I've had some bad ones but coming back this time was like something out of the exorcist my body was crab walking trying to break itself in two I thought I couldn't get sober then that happened. I am going to get sober I don't care how hard it's going to be I don't ever want to go through that again. You guys it wasn't like narcan to reality it was like a fucking demon was coming out of me im not joking. They had me 4 pointed and were giving me benzos and methadone immediately after the narcan wore off and wd came on they brought me 30mg methadone. Then 20 today and now im home and don't want to use but Im worried im gonna be sick. Shits rough man its like you want out this shit so fucking bad idk im not using for now catch you all later.
 
nuggbones313 said:
Thursday night I overdosed and was given 6 narcan shots and i barely made it through I can't do this no more that's prolly my 20th OD and I've had some bad ones but coming back this time was like something out of the exorcist my body was crab walking trying to break itself in two I thought I couldn't get sober then that happened. I am going to get sober I don't care how hard it's going to be I don't ever want to go through that again. You guys it wasn't like narcan to reality it was like a fucking demon was coming out of me im not joking. They had me 4 pointed and were giving me benzos and methadone immediately after the narcan wore off and wd came on they brought me 30mg methadone. Then 20 today and now im home and don't want to use but Im worried im gonna be sick. Shits rough man its like you want out this shit so fucking bad idk im not using for now catch you all later.
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you def can break free, dont let worry about being sick stop you from healing, you are going to be sick either way, but you will come through, you had a huge wakeup call and a 20th chance, take it
 
Well I got good news, 11/18/2022 was the last day I used opiates. I did go into a facility for detox and rehab which I've previously had to do for probation but i did 12 days there and covid hit so I was able to leave with no legal problems. When I went i didn't need any type of detox help and wasn't too serious about stopping Stims but noticed that detox people were given a suboxone 24hrs after arriving to prevent precips and help easy the terrible shit to come. So fast forward two years and off probation going into get help I'm beaten, heroin has won I give up in that admitting defeat I found myself wanting sobriety no matter what I mean I've lost ficking everything 2-3 times over. So I go back to the same rehab, for detox and residential stay. 11/18/2022 find out 72-96hr no suboxone to help manage the withdrawal cause now fent is in all heroin. I'm fucking like this is gonna be bad they just otc medicated me by 11/19/2022 I got sent to st. Marie's hospital complications from the wd and seizure. 4 days I cold turkeyed and almost died from quitting what was killing me ironic isn't it. Fast forward today I am opiate free still, I finally fucking did it. Like nothing today right now is able to push me to use. Its like a breathe a big deep breathe and the relief as good as valume if I don't say so myself. Anyone who doesn't think they have the strength to do what seems impossible you can do it. Look I'm all for support and shit but when your laying there and your sick to the point you seizure and your alone time seems to stop seconds turn to hours, every cell in your body feels as if it's electric, delusional thought kicks in and you become a cartoon, then the lights sudden cut off. Darkness and a freezing water pool that you must be in doesn't let any light in and you are sure all is lost your dead or dying. Snap back to the lights and surrounded by people In a hospital bed u come to but somethings different wait a second some normality is there maybe they gave me seizure meds and it calmEd my nerves enough to go back to detox and continue to feel the pain and misery. But it starts going a bit better 6 day and now I feel better then day 6. I do smoke bud, which even I'm having mixed l feelings on using NA roots run deep. I use it only for medicine these days and not any concentrates or anything edibles or blunts or hash. So day 10 off opiates and im learning that my behavior from repeated years is gonna be difficult but possible to change approachs. Like I kinda got a motto if I gotta ask myself should I do this, do the opposite. And when that shit is done its fucking done like I'm done I didn't like the way the shit is and was just physically addicted so badly i went through what I went through and in that I'm stronger. I hope this gets to someone and they can relate and motivate to a recovery sort of life. Yes it's true Nuggbones is dopefree going into 2023!!!!
 
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