Recovery The 2022 alcohol support thread

[Snafu in the Void]

powerful and funny AA speaker, great listen

"alcohol does so much for me I don't care what it's doing to me"

"A disease that kills you every day but won't bury you"

"If you hide in the closet and pray for a hot dog you will eventually starve"

 

[Eligiu]

It is pretty much unbearable to be around my abusers (who yell at me for 20 minutes straight every time I walk past them or am in the house) sober these days.
Never been a big alcohol guy, but every time they get like this I end up having a few drinks every night just to sleep without having recurring nightmares of my father trying to kill me.
I really hope I don't turn into an alcoholic before I get out of here, but the odds aren't looking good.

As I learnt from my survivors group, some of our most destructive and unhealthy coping mechanisms once served a valid purpose in our lives. I firmly attest to drugs keeping me alive for over a decade and especially in the time period all the memory of my childhood abuse were triggered by the perpetrator. Could not actually bear the pain of being sober for much of that time. It wasn't possible. I'd white knuckle it for 6 months then I'd blow up like a bottle and shoot some meth, apologise to all my friends, explain what triggered it, they'd be all understanding and we'd repeat it.

Later in life these coping mechanisms start to do more harm than good. I'm there with meth use now.

I can't make a certain judgement as to which category your drinking falls under. However having spoken to you and had long, personal voice chats about meaningful topics to both of us I would suggest being kind and compassionate to yourself when you can and accepting that you are currently living in atrocious living conditions with the people responsible for a lifetime of pain and suffering. Whenever I was instructed to housesit for my parents and couldn't get out of it my housemate despaired at the impending relapse spiral of doom which would result from a simple week stay in my childhood home.

Be vigilant about your use. Don't go overboard. Try to not rely on it.

But if you do have moments when that is your choice, please maybe consider that for the time period you are living under a roof with your abusers, it may be better to have a few drinks than end your life, since many in your situation have.

Please just have some kindness for yourself @arrall I have told you before that I find you and your action with regards to this aspect of your life a true fucking amazing thing. I want you to know that I have compassion and understanding for you having been there myself for years.

 

[stardust10]

I've reached a point where I can enjoy fairly moderate drinking, something which was impossible for me most of my life.

How did u do it? Are u in a better place mentally now, circumstances etc? That's the point I want to be and its tempting as fuck to see if this time it's possible to control.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

one of my favorites, hilarious

I have this weird reaction to alcohol, I can't stop, I can't moderate once I begin. I'm part of a separate class of people who are actually physically allergic to it. Or, if you're special, if you're a drug addict, try some controlled crack smoking. Just fill your mouth up with crack smoke and say "I'm not in the mood", then blow it out.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

That's the point I want to be and its tempting as fuck to see if this time it's possible to control.

I've lied to myself countless times telling myself I will only drink X amount of alcohol tonight. It was worked literally zero times. The only thing it leads to is me driving drunk to go buy more.

at this point in my life I have accepted that I will never be able to control it or moderate it

I drink until I black out. That's the only way it works with me. :/

 

[n3ophy7e]

I've lied to myself countless times telling myself I will only drink X amount of alcohol tonight. It was worked literally zero times. The only thing it leads to is me driving drunk to go buy more.

at this point in my life I have accepted that I will never be able to control it or moderate it

I drink until I black out. That's the only way it works with me. :/

I identify with this so much mate. I too have finally come to accept that the only way forward for me is 100% abstinence from alcohol, indefinitely. And I have made peace with that.

Becoming a mother has drastically changed my attitude towards alcohol and drugs. I just have zero space in my life for it now that I have my son. I am his primary caregiver, hence I absolutely MUST be completely sober and capable of caring for him 24/7. At this point I am reluctant to even consider taking my beloved psychedelics (however I am sure when my son is older and say for example can spend the weekend with his godparents or aunty/uncle etc, my husband and I will trip once again. But for now, no).
Alcohol is totally counter-productive to everything I want, need, and must do. It is completely irrelevant to me now.

 

[stardust10]

powerful and funny AA speaker, great listen

"alcohol does so much for me I don't care what it's doing to me"

"A disease that kills you every day but won't bury you"

"If you hide in the closet and pray for a hot dog you will eventually starve"

I'm don't tend to go to AA often but I think a big part of it is that I have severe social anxiety like I'm allergic to people lol. It's a go to when I've found myself gonna relapse jus cause I'm really depressed that day. I probably look like I don't want to be there but it's also nice to have somewhere to go there's ones on every night of the week here which is decent. The joke he makes about the AA meetings and someone drunk walking in is hilarious
I would be on my arse now if I had to drink the way I used to before I detoxed whereas before it was just normal lol.

 

[jasperkent]

How did u do it? Are u in a better place mentally now, circumstances etc? That's the point I want to be and its tempting as fuck to see if this time it's possible to control.

From my teens through age 50 I was severely alcoholic by anyone's definition. I drank until I passed out, ran out, or got arrested. If I woke up with no booze left from the night before, I'd drink mouthwash, vanilla extract, or hand sanitizer to stop the shakes. Over the years I've had 4 DUIs and 20-something arrests for public intoxication. I've been to the ICU 3 times for alcohol poisoning and 5 times for DTs.

I've had several short periods of sobriety: 6 months here, 1 year there, my longest period of abstinence was 3 years. I always required medical detox and 28-day rehabs, which I've completed 7 times. If I took one sip of alcohol, within a week I'd be drinking as much or more than before.

During these years I also used and abused several other drugs, but alcohol was always my #1 drug of choice.

Around age 50 (after about a year of abstinence) I became addicted to opiates and didn't drink much, primarily because I was spending all my money on pills. Around 55 I discovered meth and that dominated my life for a couple years before I went back to opiates again. At this point I was drinking very little and very rarely.

About 3 years ago I got off the opiates using kratom, which I still use daily. I also smoke weed every evening. For a couple years now I've been able to drink 3 to 4 beers or glasses of wine every night while I smoke weed. I don't drink hard liquor. I don't get shit-faced and don't wake up craving a drink.

I have no idea why this is working for me.

I DO NOT RECOMMEND THAT ANY SOBER ALCOHOLIC TRY THIS!

I'm just saying that it works for me and I'm sticking to it. You'd think that after all the suffering alcohol has caused me over the years I would be disgusted by the very thought of drinking. But no, I am still an alcoholic at heart.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

I'm don't tend to go to AA often but I think a big part of it is that I have severe social anxiety like I'm allergic to people lol.

Yeah, I totally understand. I've been to hundreds of meetings in the past, I don't really go anymore, though.

I still sometimes read the Big Book I have in my closet, or I'll listen to these AA speakers. It brings back all the principals and positive vibes. It feels like an anchor in my life.

For a couple years now I've been able to drink 3 to 4 beers or glasses of wine every night while I smoke weed. I don't drink hard liquor. I don't get shit-faced and don't wake up craving a drink.

I have no idea why this is working for me.

That's definitely one in a million!

 

[Snafu in the Void]

 

[AbbeyLee]

Same. Meth comedown and ridiculous anxiety. I went and bought 4 x pre-mixed JD cans.

The weird thing was though, I poured a glass and calmed right down over the next hour. Except the glass was still almost completely full. I'd literally had one or two sips.

Finished them off of course, but that's the power of psychological addiction. Knowing I had the booze was as powerful, if not more powerful than the drug itself.

Didn't buy any tonight (nor meth).

 

[lennyd79]

Day 11 of no drinking and hoping to never drink alcohol again. It just doesn't agree with me physically and mentally anymore and it isn't worth the hassle. It's one day at a time but my anxiety is so much better without it.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

I laughed when it said "after about an hour of drinking, you will start to feel tired as your body metabolizes the alcohol"

nah homie.... after an hour of drinking I've already had 8-10 drinks, am just getting started, feel very stimulated and will drink until I forget about falling asleep

I've recorded my heartrate while drinking, it goes up quickly, alcohol acting also as a psychomotor stimulant is the alcoholic gene at work

alcoholics get a stimulant, opioid and depressant effect, normal people just get tired after a few drinks and go to sleep, me? I feel like I just shot a speedball

 

[Nas47]

Yes I can drink sometimes only at night with delicious food in small quantities.After a while i got sleepy and go to bed.Hard even to imagine how is possible to drink all night.It's a some kind sleeping tool for me

 

[n3ophy7e]

nah homie.... after an hour of drinking I've already had 8-10 drinks, am just getting started, feel very stimulated and will drink until I forget about falling asleep

I've recorded my heartrate while drinking, it goes up quickly, alcohol acting also as a psychomotor stimulant is the alcoholic gene at work

alcoholics get a stimulant, opioid and depressant effect, normal people just get tired after a few drinks and go to sleep, me? I feel like I just shot a speedball

Alcohol has this effect on me as well (I am also a hardcore alcoholic).
Why is that??

Also, I don't consciously think about this very often because I prefer to just go about my business each day, but now that I stop to think about it.....I've been sober for a little over 2 months now. I don't intend to drink again either. There's no way I can even imagine being drunk or hungover with my son.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

Alcohol has this effect on me as well (I am also a hardcore alcoholic).
Why is that??

they don't really know why, there are many genetic aspects to alcoholism because it hits so many receptors and does so many things in the brain

they point to beta endorphins for the rewarding enforcement, opioid effect, however that doesn't really explain why it also acts as a psychomotor stimulant in us

it's kinda crazy, if I choose to binge I will just drink for 36+ hours straight with no sleep and not feel the least bit tired, I have to consciously force myself to lie down to sleep (but when I do I'm out like a light). Alternatively I can be sleep deprived and extremely tired before drinking, have a few, then feel wide awake again.

normies start to yawn and feel drowsy after a few beers, not me

 

[stardust10]

^You think it could be a spectrum?
It's stimulating for me too but it also knocked me out sometimes too. Maybe I was too drunk to tell the difference lol. But now that I think about it I assumed it was that stimulating for most people. Makes sense looking back to even being a teenager. Towards the end it wasn't fun though. I was fucked physically and could barely stomach my first drink to keep away the withdrawals

 

[Snafu in the Void]

^You think it could be a spectrum?

yeah, like most things I'm sure it is

there are certainly alcoholics worse off than me

I can generally control myself enough not to get arrested or end up in a hospital. Some can't.

 

[stardust10]

generally control myself enough not to get arrested or end up in a hospital. Some can't.

Yeah same here. Although I did break (luckily just) my toe falling down my stairs. I ended up drinking at home mostly too to avoid making a tit of myself. It's good to look back and be able to laugh at some cringey behaviour rather than having the constant fear. Lol.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

Yeah same here. I ended up drinking at home mostly too to avoid making a tit of myself. It's good to look back and be able to laugh at some cringey behaviour rather than having the constant fear. Lol.

Same. I do not like going out when drinking, that's when I get in trouble and make a fool out of myself. Learned that lesson years ago.

Most of my arrests and hospital visits it was usually benzos + alcohol together. I lose control with that combo. Very seductive, equally as destructive. I do insanely reckless and dangerous things.