Recovery The Recovery Thread (2022)

[Conky]

Kava is that abusable/addictive for you? Just asking because I’ve never heard of anyone really abusing it, no judgement; as I abused far crazier substances over my years of using, such as huffing gasoline and abusing OTC meds.

Well it's not that addictive since I came off without many problems. It's taking a bit longer to fall asleep but that's it. It's mostly the puking that bothers me. Same thing with kratom. My stomach seems sensitive now since I've drank so much hard alcohol without any food.

 

[RDP89]

Well it's not that addictive since I came off without many problems. It's taking a bit longer to fall asleep but that's it. It's mostly the puking that bothers me. Same thing with kratom. My stomach seems sensitive now since I've drank so much hard alcohol without any food.

Oh, well at least it was easy to quit. Hope you are feeling better.

 

[Blankenstein]

@Blankenstein how are you doing? getting worried given we've not heard.

i'd hoped that this detox failure would show you how deep in you really are and motivate you to get a higher level of support.

i've woke up at 5 am the past 2 days. i just don't know how i'll get through work today. i didn't yesterday. i've been in a really good mood apart from brutal tiredness. but i have an all day gig tomorrow and i've gone from super excited to just not knowing how i'm going to make it through 9 hours of bands.

my boyf and his dad emptied their lockup into our garage and we've been going through it as we can keep some of the stuff. i'm finding it really sad. the stuff was in storage cos when they went bankrupt they had to move from a house that comfortably fits 5 kids to a small 2 bed house. thankfully most of the kids had left home by then.

i feel like i'm unpacking the life his dad should have had. he's clearly upset about not having space for some of the stuff, it has sentimental value. he worked his arse off to support his kids while his wife was a severe alcoholic and he's getting towards retirement age but likely won't even be able to afford to.

Well I officially fucked up again.

I’d been using every 3 days maybe 2 days in a row sometimes. Thought i wasn’t going to be using enough to get sick, but I was wrong… I had to stop for a pre employment drug test. I got real sick so ate heaps of benzos (Valium prescribed at a low dose) and lyrica. Felt fine today.

Did the test today and showed for benzos, I showed them the script and they said they’d send the sample off to see if my levels were higher than they should be based on my script… called my doc to give him some story about why i took more than I should (couple of back to back weddings and quitndrinking so took a few each day over the course of both days). The levels will be through the roof. Hopefully he backs me up. Hope they don’t test for other stuff cos the lyrica will show up too…

Straight after i went and picked up .25 of down. Did a shot at home and kind of dropped (didn’t get narcanned) and my family called an ambulance on me so here i in hospital. Having crushed my family again. I don’t have a lot of recollection because of the benzos in system from the day before. I have no idea if they’ve told my friends or not.

This heroin life is no joke I should have listened to everyone, but some mistakes people have to make themselves unfortunately. I mean it all started years ago with speed, meth, benzos, alcohol, but this heroin takes all so quickly.

It was a new hookup but he gets same as another person I get from (apparently), maybe the 6 day break made a difference. Also the lingering Valium in my system.

So probably won’t get my new job (gonna be broke very soon) and lost any trust I’d built up with my family and friends. Not looking forward to the fallout for this one…

 

[Blankenstein]

I really don’t need a lecture please I know I need longer term help.

I just had to get that off my chest while I’m lying in bed at hospital at 4:15am contemplating how my life got to this point. Just have to fight this beast of a Fucking thing.

 

[Jabberwocky]

no lecture. i'm usually tone deaf but in some cases it can't fail to get though.

i have lost a job due to a drug test once. it was fucking atrocious. they didn't tell me it was gonna happen til after i'd been offered the job and got emotionally invested.

sometimes we do gotta make these mistakes for ourselves. just don't make too many. i got to the point where the mistakes i hadn't made were losing a limb and ending up homeless and until my family forced the situation with the latter still didn't think i needed help. drugs skew our judgement and we can only see how badly when we get properly clean.

trust gets broken time and again in addiction. it is hard to build back. the best you can do is avoid breaking it any further.

you are lucky your family were around.

please please please look into longer term help ASAP.

i'm sorry its been so bad for you and i hope things look better soon.

 

[Blankenstein]

no lecture. i'm usually tone deaf but in some cases it can't fail to get though.

i have lost a job due to a drug test once. it was fucking atrocious. they didn't tell me it was gonna happen til after i'd been offered the job and got emotionally invested.

sometimes we do gotta make these mistakes for ourselves. just don't make too many. i got to the point where the mistakes i hadn't made were losing a limb and ending up homeless and until my family forced the situation with the latter still didn't think i needed help. drugs skew our judgement and we can only see how badly when we get properly clean.

trust gets broken time and again in addiction. it is hard to build back. the best you can do is avoid breaking it any further.

you are lucky your family were around.

please please please look into longer term help ASAP.

i'm sorry its been so bad for you and i hope things look better soon.

I just can’t stand to break my mother, brothers and friends hearts anymore.

The lying eats me up Inside.

The damage I’m doing to my body/which will be death if I continue.

Friends wanting nothing to do with me.

Complicated Health conditions.

Wasting more years doing Fuckall ending up lonely.

Being completely broke. The amount of money is fucked.

I’m scared, but tomorrow’s a new day and I have to just face the consequences.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I just can’t stand to break my mother, brothers and friends hearts anymore.

The lying eats me up Inside.

The damage I’m doing to my body/which will be death if I continue.

Friends wanting nothing to do with me.

Complicated Health conditions.

Wasting more years doing Fuckall ending up lonely.

Being completely broke. The amount of money is fucked.

I’m scared, but tomorrow’s a new day and I have to just face the consequences.

every single one of these is a reason.

there is motivation and will to change in your post. don't let yourself lose sight of that, i did, convinced myself change wasn't desirable/possible, and needlessly lost years.

you can rebuild pretty easy from where you are, if you get yourself ready to do so.

are your family on board with helping you find a proper rehab etc? my perception of my family in the months running up to rehab was they just got on my back so i feel like i am just doing the same. but when it came to getting me through the fucking door to the place i ended up in, that really helped. i fought them every step of the way and they got me there. it sounds like you have better judgement of your situation than i did but still, having people who will fight for you tooth and nail is very helpful when you're up against addiction to hard drugs.

 

[ReginaldBricksack]

One foot in front of the other while I still have both and full use of 'em

 

[Blankenstein]

every single one of these is a reason.

there is motivation and will to change in your post. don't let yourself lose sight of that, i did, convinced myself change wasn't desirable/possible, and needlessly lost years.

you can rebuild pretty easy from where you are, if you get yourself ready to do so.

are your family on board with helping you find a proper rehab etc? my perception of my family in the months running up to rehab was they just got on my back so i feel like i am just doing the same. but when it came to getting me through the fucking door to the place i ended up in, that really helped. i fought them every step of the way and they got me there. it sounds like you have better judgement of your situation than i did but still, having people who will fight for you tooth and nail is very helpful when you're up against addiction to hard drugs.

My mother will do what ever it takes.

My brother (older) got really upset the other day because he’s my bigger brother and he feels helpless.

I’ve been lying since i got out of the detox about using so that’s what’s going to hurt people the most. Some may choose to have no part in my life. But that’s my doing and nobody else’s. The lies are what does the most damage.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Some may choose to have no part in my life. But that’s my doing and nobody else’s.

yes, unfortunately you might lose people. but the sooner you get yourself proper treatment the less likely you are to completely burn your bridges.

still, i have people who i've effectively lost cos i just can't face them given how awful i was during my using. not my family or my boyf cos at least they knew truly how unwell i was, but some of my actually decent friends who i so cmopletely took the piss out of that i don't think i can ever face them again. i'm a coward i know. they deserve better friends than me so probably well out of it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

so tired i could die.

i haven't had a proper nights sleep in at least a fortnight and haven't had regular decent sleep for at least 2 months. its getting to the point where i'm randomly in tears a lot of the time and barely functioning. doing the absolute minimum at work which is not sustainble long term.

first time in recovery i've genuinely missed crack. just never being tired, ever.

apparently missing one hour sleep a night for a week is the equivalent of missing a full nights sleep. dunno where i read that, but if its vaguely correct then missing 2-3 hours a night for longer would put my functioning somewhere on a par with crackhead me. except now i can feel the exhaustion.

 

[n3ophy7e]

so tired i could die.

i haven't had a proper nights sleep in at least a fortnight and haven't had regular decent sleep for at least 2 months. its getting to the point where i'm randomly in tears a lot of the time and barely functioning. doing the absolute minimum at work which is not sustainble long term.

first time in recovery i've genuinely missed crack. just never being tired, ever.

apparently missing one hour sleep a night for a week is the equivalent of missing a full nights sleep. dunno where i read that, but if its vaguely correct then missing 2-3 hours a night for longer would put my functioning somewhere on a par with crackhead me. except now i can feel the exhaustion.

Why aren't you sleeping honey? Is everything okay?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Why aren't you sleeping honey? Is everything okay?

literally no reason which is the frustrating thing.

my life is great rn, apart from stress due to so far failing to conceive, i love my boyf, saw friends i'd not seen since pre covid on the weekend, going on holiday on saturday, got rid of the shitty collaborator, love my job, my colleagues, my cats. i've always been plagued by bouts of brutal insomnia for no apparent reason.

though i do feel a bit guilty for moaning to a new parent. honestly don't know how people do it!!

 

[n3ophy7e]

literally no reason which is the frustrating thing.

my life is great rn, apart from stress due to so far failing to conceive, i love my boyf, saw friends i'd not seen since pre covid on the weekend, going on holiday on saturday, got rid of the shitty collaborator, love my job, my colleagues, my cats. i've always been plagued by bouts of brutal insomnia for no apparent reason.

though i do feel a bit guilty for moaning to a new parent. honestly don't know how people do it!!

Unexplainable insomnia is the WORST. I hope it passes real soon. What methods have you tried to overcome it?

Oh and don't worry, I am extremely lucky in that my son is sleeping through the night!! So I'm good I'm still tired, somehow LOL! But I'm not sleep deprived.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Unexplainable insomnia is the WORST. I hope it passes real soon. What methods have you tried to overcome it?

none of my usual methods work cos this is waking up super early rather than not being able to sleep in the first place. i've tried to just be optmistic that i'll get back to sleep but that creeping dread is unavoidable after trying for a few mins. if i wake up at 4.30 instead of 5 its just about early enough to take a zopiclone, not ideal but at least i get more sleep.

other than that i'm just at a complete loss. been trying to work round it, napping in the day just to get through. but i am just stuck for ideas. if you have any i'd love to know!! its not even like i'm waking up needing the loo or anything, just waking up for no reason then not being able to sleep again.

i'm so glad your son is sleeping well!!

 

[hylite]

I don't even know where to start, I truly believe. I hurt so bad. So bad.

I don't know, I quit doing opioids. If there was one in front of me I WOULDN'T even take it.

Unless someone prescribed me norco or better yet oxycontin for a long term med. I would definitely do that. But I am not going to sit around and bother with 10 pills and then I don't know what. Then Fuck That !

But the second time around I would not make the same mistake however. I would make those things last ffs. I would take one every three days or four or on a Friday.

And for all of those that are going to tell me ewwwwww you're just going to take more and more and more and need bigger doses . . . . .Uhhh I have been doing fucking LESS than 5mg's for the last almost 2 years.And waiting as long as possible with the most possible time in between a dose. NEVER more than 10 mg's a DAY !!!!!!!!!!

Oh when I have in the PAST taken 60mg's and very rare occasion 80mg's by mistake. Yes all of this in a 24 hour period ONLY. It was too much but did I know. Duhh. Didn't.

So for a year I USED benzo's for a whole year prior to taking the low dose opioids for two years when I didn't take any opioids at ALL. And believe me I was benzodiazepined out. But a good muscle relaxer, couldn't even get up most of the time. When I did I was so weak I would pull some kind of muscle. Fun.

Omg this is so much bulls##t. Don't like that, taken the beno's because it's not healthy to take so much. Yeah they nice but NOT every fuckin day.

And I always knew I was almost out of the woods when @Captain.Herion !!!! said you aren't going to go through withdrawals on such a low dose.

I didn't even get the shits this time whwn I did quit !!! But I did do them for many many many years, the low doses. The low doses of OPIOIDS and on a daily basis. And he even said wow I wish he could do low doses like that. And now he is fuckin GONE.

And I am not going to take MORE opioid ever because I am never EVER going to go through that kind of pain unless I WANT to. And I don't want to. So I am not doing any until I decide to if I want to.

It was so bad for three days quitting.. I was burning from the inside out. My whole body was a cramp. I felt like I almost died.And it's bad enough I am already in enough pain. And I hate typing this with one hand because the other is wrapped in a brace.

So no I am never going to take more. Just lower the dose. One less rice mini cake. Haha remember those. And yes @AutoTripper try getting up and trying to cut celery when lately I can barely chew. Three years ago I would drool over celery and enjoy it like you wouldn't even know. Well now you kind of do.now maybe.

The only way I can eat is if I smoke a dab. And I am out of dabs now. Just great. The resin makes me kind of nauseous but then it will work a bit. Sometimes i get so tired I don't even eat hardly anything for like a day and a half at a time. My wrist fuckin hurts so bad I have to type with only one hand. I don't know if this doctor is going to fix it. I am going to have to find out soon.

 

[hylite]

I started hurting again. Don't have any norco's what so ever. And don't want ONE either. So today I can't even take a shower and wash my hair. I got some things done but not enough. I had a migraine almost cluster headache for like hours All Day.

I could barely walk again. My calves hurt so bad that I could barely walk. I needed to get up so bad. I had to use ice packs for my head. I cried in front of others and said that I wished I could die. Then I prayed and asked for help.

I wouldn't pray for help for the longest time. I can only relax and be able to eat when I smoke some dabs. I didn't pray because I know I have to be strong and help myself.

But I prayed anyway so hard this time. And I finally was able to get up. I always make it to my shifts though, still. It was such a struggle to be able to exist today. But i did it. My stomach was burning but it was horrible trying not to let the pain bother me.

Walking was so difficult. I was afraid to take MELOXICAM because I was shaking because it hurt to walk. I can't even take a shower because I have no strength to even want to. My dog smells so nice compared to me. I guess I have been sweating.

So I was going to take some baby aspirin but then if it doesn't work I can't mix aspirin with MELOXICAM. but then if I take MALOXICAM and it makes me upset again then I should have taken the baby aspirin but then what if that didn't work.

My hand won't work. And yeah I say it again three years ago I was great. But I took norco that's it. And BARELY used thc because they would drug test me EVERY fuckin time at pain management.

Maybe baby aspirin would work better. I could barely wipe my arse this morning and hurts to use the electric tooth brush even. fuc it. . .. . . . .


So I started typing this late last night and was almost through typing a big chunk of it and decided to take a xanax so I wouldn't have to take a MELOXICAM because I got so wasted from it for two days I couldn't even get up to do ANYTHING.

Then the xanax kicked in and I woke up with the radio on the lab top still on me and the light balaring maybe the light causes me to not make the melatonin and that is causing the pain.

Or maybe I smoke so many dabs now that it is toxic. BUT I haven't been smoking it that much LATELY because I am just out. I looked it up and talked about it sometimes and supposedly it is just pressed high temp buds. But I was thinking what if they are treating it with something or there is pesticides on it and I am slowly being poisoned. Or am poisoned with something.

So I fell asleep yeah last night and am still fucking typing this. Not even done yet. I stink so bad cause didn't take a shower. I couldn't was way too fatigued and needed to get back to bed with an ice fcking pack.Helped with the xanax to stop the aches and hurting.

So now it's real early and cool out and the sun isn't blaring yet and I want to take the dog out for her run. But I CAN'T because I feel way too fatigue and my calves are all stiff again. Almost like paralysis but not completely yet.

I barely have strength to go work on my haiyr and wash the smell from me. I am still tired. I got up and got some cold water. I was all stiff walking around to get the water and can't FIND ANY celery.

So I said fuck it and got back in bed. It is difficult to walk with cement calves. I wanted to go to the hospital yesterday and ask for an i.v. to get hydrated but they are going to get sick of me and try to get me out of there as fast as possible I am sure. Then just definitely give me Tylenol.

So maybe I have tylenol poisoning from not cwe for two years almost it has been I guess. I don't know anymore. I am losing track of time because I just don't care anymore. See Hart was right on. Low doses of opioids are WAY less dangerous than opioids itself. In some of our honest opinions.

So this morning now I can type a little better from resting a bit so I am working with both hands right now. Maybe if I rest for 40 minutes to an hour get up take a shower and fix my smelly hair I can get the dog out for a walk before it gets to hot and scorching and too bright and sunny.

NORMALLY I would just run up to the lake and play in the water with the dog but I cant find my summer cloths yet. Too tired and with the xanax in me I just get a migraine headache from the bright sun from the xanax and from getting burnt so bad like a year ago or so I guess I am losing track.

I was burnt so bad. Long story. Another time. Maybe. Anyway I was burnt soo bad that the whites of my eyes were burnt purple for two days. I was sure I was going to die but as luck would have it I DID NOT. I thought about going to the hospital but what tf are they going to do for burnt eyes.

And I have to still be here for my puppy. She is still a puppy. Going on ONLY three years old. Maybe I will find my swimming gear somehow and go anyway. But I have to wash up first. I want to gag. I will try but I am all stiff and it really hurts. Hungry burning stomach from aspirin. Maybe.

I might have to find a medical chat forum. But fucking where ? The doctors some of them don't know yet. I can feel the bones in my little arms hurt so bad they feel like they are breaking apart with stabbing pain. Anyone !!! What the h do I have. My dog is suffering with me from not being able to go out and play like we used to and hang out in the city and walk the parks and blocks and get groceries.

I had a piece of pizza yesterday with pepperchino's. At least it didn't have greasy peperoni. I would have even put celery on it but I couldn't find any at all. BUT I couldn't cook and was severely depressed for about five days and the intense pain and horrifying stiffness is all coming back AGAIN.

I don't know what to do because I have to be here for my dog. And I woke up to a stiff neck because I passed out so wrong help.

 

[AutoTripper]

I don't even know where to start, I truly believe. I hurt so bad. So bad.

I don't know, I quit doing opioids. If there was one in front of me I WOULDN'T even take it.

Unless someone prescribed me norco or better yet oxycontin for a long term med. I would definitely do that. But I am not going to sit around and bother with 10 pills and then I don't know what. Then Fuck That !

But the second time around I would not make the same mistake however. I would make those things last ffs. I would take one every three days or four or on a Friday.

And for all of those that are going to tell me ewwwwww you're just going to take more and more and more and need bigger doses . . . . .Uhhh I have been doing fucking LESS than 5mg's for the last almost 2 years.And waiting as long as possible with the most possible time in between a dose. NEVER more than 10 mg's a DAY !!!!!!!!!!

Oh when I have in the PAST taken 60mg's and very rare occasion 80mg's by mistake. Yes all of this in a 24 hour period ONLY. It was too much but did I know. Duhh. Didn't.

So for a year I USED benzo's for a whole year prior to taking the low dose opioids for two years when I didn't take any opioids at ALL. And believe me I was benzodiazepined out. But a good muscle relaxer, couldn't even get up most of the time. When I did I was so weak I would pull some kind of muscle. Fun.

Omg this is so much bulls##t. Don't like that, taken the beno's because it's not healthy to take so much. Yeah they nice but NOT every fuckin day.

And I always knew I was almost out of the woods when @CaptainHeroin said you aren't going to go through withdrawals on such a low dose.

I didn't even get the shits this time whwn I did quit !!! But I did do them for many many many years, the low doses. The low doses of OPIOIDS and on a daily basis. And he even said wow I wish he could do low doses like that. And now he is fuckin GONE.

And I am not going to take MORE opioid ever because I am never EVER going to go through that kind of pain unless I WANT to. And I don't want to. So I am not doing any until I decide to if I want to.

It was so bad for three days quitting.. I was burning from the inside out. My whole body was a cramp. I felt like I almost died.And it's bad enough I am already in enough pain. And I hate typing this with one hand because the other is wrapped in a brace.

So no I am never going to take more. Just lower the dose. One less rice mini cake. Haha remember those. And yes @AutoTripper try getting up and trying to cut celery when lately I can barely chew. Three years ago I would drool over celery and enjoy it like you wouldn't even know. Well now you kind of do.now maybe.

The only way I can eat is if I smoke a dab. And I am out of dabs now. Just great. The resin makes me kind of nauseous but then it will work a bit. Sometimes i get so tired I don't even eat hardly anything for like a day and a half at a time. My wrist fuckin hurts so bad I have to type with only one hand. I don't know if this doctor is going to fix it. I am going to have to find out soon.

You are not supposed to eat, chew the celery hylite.

It needs to be juiced, neat. 16 OZ empty tummy wait half hour after, ideally.

I gather all the fibrous pulp in a straining bag too like nutmilk one would do ring it out, get so much extra juice from it.

I couldn't chew threw a bunch of celery myself. I wouldn't even try.

But juicing it creates a much greater medicinal powerhouse anyway. 16 OZ organic ideally.

 

[hylite]

You are not supposed to eat, chew the celery hylite.

It needs to be juiced, neat. 16 OZ empty tummy wait half hour after, ideally.

I gather all the fibrous pulp in a straining bag too like nutmilk one would do ring it out, get so much extra juice from it.

I couldn't chew threw a bunch of celery myself. I wouldn't even try.

But juicing it creates a much greater medicinal powerhouse anyway. 16 OZ organic ideally.

YES BETTER i need help

 

[hylite]

You are not supposed to eat, chew the celery hylite.

It needs to be juiced, neat. 16 OZ empty tummy wait half hour after, ideally.

I gather all the fibrous pulp in a straining bag too like nutmilk one would do ring it out, get so much extra juice from it.

I couldn't chew threw a bunch of celery myself. I wouldn't even try.

But juicing it creates a much greater medicinal powerhouse anyway. 16 OZ organic ideally.

thank you god.