This, exactly. Are ADHD people addicted, for example? I believed this addiction stuff and it led me to exploring other drugs but it was never the same, I quit morphine myself because it just wasn't what I wanted but I have no doubts that for others it can be another drug, like diamorph in your case, which delivers this exactly-what-I-needed thingy. For me it is the dissociatives, I suspect some of them (specially methoxetamine + derivates) to be oxytocinergics, I never came to try oxytocin itself but that cuddly love sensation the drugs cause might fit well and I read that ketamine is dangerous in pregnancy because of that activity. Also autism spectrum disorder seems to react positively to oxytocin.
It's like I'm two personalities, one crippled introverted shy and one the opposite of that, with the manic dissociatives this can become dangerously different and people keep to tell me that I should stop, that they are afraid of what it does to me but fact is people who get to know me while on dissociatives like me more that way as long as they don't know so it boils down to that beloved war on drugs stuff and isn't suitable for judgement.
Yeah, long acting opioids were a failure, I even get hints of psychosis on them, specially retarded morphine but also bupe. Currently I'm using kratom, it's even a bit dysphoric in comparison to dissociatives and solves nothing about the social withdrawal (you might call it negative symptoms because cognition is affected as well, I'm struggling greatly to learn Spanish at the moment when English was almost easy in other times). Now we even have legal MXE derivates on the market but they are too expensive given my tolerance. I'm not sure whether I want to experience this state every now and then when I can't sustain it - best was not daily but maybe every second, alternating with a stimulant - another thing I can't get here in fucking Mexico, the doctors are afraid of nasty amphetamines.
What's BTH?
Unfortunately no nootropic scene to speak of, I found one single vendor who re-sells USA stuff for expensive, probably they pay the customs for importing or do it in person, because ordering didn't work out for me, they wanted clearing paper shit. But memantine is indeed OTC here, I might try that again, but it's a long shot from memantine to MXE, it completely lacks that social component I love so much about MXE & co., it's quite 'empty' dissociation - this is good for withdrawing but doesn't provide much mood list, but it's a decent anxiolytic - yeah, thanks for the hint! Maybe I'm going to try memantine + d-amphetamine even when that will be a beast of stimulation when I can't sleep from memantine alone already so need to add something.
DXM unfortunately isn't it, I loved it as a teen and did lower plateaus 2-3 times a week, there was surprisingly little tolerance but nowadays it's a pure psychotomimetic for me, I begin to hear voices on it, something no other drug ever did to me. Weirdly enough this only happened after I was using opioids.
Even though the drugs we need are different, I relate so much to what you have said.
My mom even use to tell me she preferred being around me on heroin than she did when I was drunk. She'd even buy me heroin so that I wouldn't drink. lol
I use to get days on heroin & tramadol where I would just look in the mirror and be like "damn, (insert my name here) you look fuckin' hot today!".
I NEVER feel that confident in sober life.
I also use to get up and take care of shit on heroin/tramadol/opioids. Like cleaning the house, or going for hours long walks with my headphones just for the exercise and fresh air.
This is what I assume "normal" people who don't have major depression & anxiety feel like.
Doing these things while sober (or on shitty bupe) is a tedious task that makes me physically uncomfortable, to the point where I have stopped taking walks, stopped going on cleaning sprees, etc..
Heroin & tramadol also made me more romantic. I enjoyed cuddling & being affectionate with my partners on it. I bet oxytocin plays a role in that as well.
I've seen oxytocin for sale online. Apparently sales people use it when they go door to door to gain people's trust, etc... Not sure how true that is but it's what I've read.
I was a BETTER person heroin. And I truly believe that. It gave me the power to be who I truly was deep down. It allowed me to exercise. It allowed me to sleep. It allowed me to see myself in positive ways (you're beautiful, take care of your body, etc...)
I don't know any heroin dealers anymore and I refuse to get caught up in the legal aspects of it. It would only ruin my life. This prohibition on medicines has already ruined my life.
So I empathize with you plumbus, greatly.
I found kratom gave me dyspghoria as well. Not always but some times. I've noticed this with some opioids, that the experience can be dysphoric rather than euphoric.
I wonder if it has anything to do with the ratios in which the opiate/opioid binds to the 3 major receptors and their sub types.
I rarely had dysphoric experiences with heroin, except when my tolerance was low (puking, dizziness, constipation, etc..)
But I'll take these side effects over most side effects of antipsychotics & SSRI's.
BTH is short for black tar heroin.
Is memantine legal in the US? Does anybody know? What's it like & would anyone recommend it for depression/pain?
And yeah, I should have known better plumbus. I'm sure you've already tried the whole DXM thing before. It's a really messy drug.
I went on a 600mg DXM trip the other day after not doing one for almost 4 years. The trip took forever to come up and it mostly just felt like I had a stroke or something.
No enlightenment, no spiritual effects, just barely some antidepressant effects.
The only good thing that came out of it was a short-lived (or what felt like) tolerance reduction to my meds.
So I had a lovely next few days feeling good afterward, but it didn't take long for that to go away.
) worldwide, few people actually know its potential and even fewer use it but I saw it for sale on nootropic webpages or from Russia for quite some money given how cheap the generics really are. So either the nootropics or you know a decent doc who prescribes it to you..
I got panic attacks when using more than 600mg though because of its pronounced NRI activity but the afterglows were lovely. Trip one day, one week slowly fading afterglow. Must have been serotonergic and somehow I think that I burned something out by using so much DXM together with venlafaxine and other meds. I can't get anymore visuals, even 1cP-LSD worked only once, then it became a mentally disturbing agent without any recreative value. And I'm now dependent on antidepressants, I tried switching to fluoxetine and tapering so many times without success.. dissociatives would do it but memantine's not the right agent.