Yay another recovery diary

So... I'm going to have to get used to posting again. I tried making different places my new home for posting but I would maybe post once or twice. Or like on Tumblr I posted multiple times but like... Idk it doesn't have the same feeling and so I didn't keep up with it. I did kinda keep up with Tumblr though not because of the diary aspect but because there's a lot of real positive shit on there and I feel like I can go there to feel validated on days where I literally feel like I'm nothing more than a piece of shit. Kinda like today. I overslept my alarm and didn't get up on time.🙄 It will be OK hopefully but get this... So I work for a national power company now, I actually get to work from home which is 1000% amazing. They supplied the computer all I had to do was supply the internet. Anyways, I think maybe I talked about this job back when I was struggling to get my ID. I'll have to go back and read my posts it'll be a nice trip down memory lane.
And that's the other thing too right like how am I supposed to make another place my home when I have so many entries here? Like I felt so upset because I felt like I was throwing away so much work..
So anyways my work schedule is 11am to 8pm Monday through Friday and then every other Saturday at 7am! WTF I chose the 11am schedule because I SUCK at waking up that early!!! Ugh I don't want to sit here and make excuses but I get so mad at myself. I've been figuring out that I tend to be hard on myself like that a lot. Some might even say it's the only way I know how to treat myself. I sit and I pull chunks of skin off my face with so much anxiety because I can't figure out why I just don't get it like my friends who graduated college or my friends who have gotten and stayed sober.
OK so I'm going to tell you a lot of who I am and I've slowly begun to figure this out within only the last year of life... So I'm waiting for an assessment but I'm like 99.99% sure I'm autistic. Which I will absolutely dedicate a whole post to that like the finding out how I was and why I feel life is sometimes different for me as compared to other people. But I also think the whole autism thing is one of the main reasons that I need to continue to write because one day there will be someone, autistic or not, who will feel as stuck as I do, and hopefully when I find a true way out I will have it on here, and they will be able to see that and take a similar path. Because let me tell you. There is 0 information for autistic adults struggling with addiction. Nothing. There is not jack shit out there. Now... I think here in like 10 years there will be floods of information but Right now there's nothing and my fear is that they won't figure out a way to treat addiction in austic adults before my addiction kills me. It's not gonna kill me I'm not gonna fuckin die an addict.

OK well like I said I've got to get used to taking time to type on here again and I will have to get it in my mind that I can't take everything you guys say to heart and I have to find my own way.

Anyways that's all I got for now I'll talk to you guys later
Shelby 2/5/22 11:42am
 
^^ great post. Stay strong about your job and don't be too hard on yourself.

And for God's sake man..............put gloves on your hands. I talked you down from your last face scratching session on here and watched you slowly get better and heal your face enough to go out in public. How often are you mething around now? Do you still have a pretty bad chem sex addiction?

How have you improved in the last 3 months ( other than getting your job and congrats on that ) and how have you not improved?

Have a pleasant weekend.

Did you ever get a Dr.? On any meds? Last time you were here you mentioned getting a Dr. so that you could maybe get some help.
 
slw0363 said:
So... I'm going to have to get used to posting again. I tried making different places my new home for posting but I would maybe post once or twice. Or like on Tumblr I posted multiple times but like... Idk it doesn't have the same feeling and so I didn't keep up with it. I did kinda keep up with Tumblr though not because of the diary aspect but because there's a lot of real positive shit on there and I feel like I can go there to feel validated on days where I literally feel like I'm nothing more than a piece of shit. Kinda like today. I overslept my alarm and didn't get up on time.🙄 It will be OK hopefully but get this... So I work for a national power company now, I actually get to work from home which is 1000% amazing. They supplied the computer all I had to do was supply the internet. Anyways, I think maybe I talked about this job back when I was struggling to get my ID. I'll have to go back and read my posts it'll be a nice trip down memory lane.
And that's the other thing too right like how am I supposed to make another place my home when I have so many entries here? Like I felt so upset because I felt like I was throwing away so much work..
So anyways my work schedule is 11am to 8pm Monday through Friday and then every other Saturday at 7am! WTF I chose the 11am schedule because I SUCK at waking up that early!!! Ugh I don't want to sit here and make excuses but I get so mad at myself. I've been figuring out that I tend to be hard on myself like that a lot. Some might even say it's the only way I know how to treat myself. I sit and I pull chunks of skin off my face with so much anxiety because I can't figure out why I just don't get it like my friends who graduated college or my friends who have gotten and stayed sober.
OK so I'm going to tell you a lot of who I am and I've slowly begun to figure this out within only the last year of life... So I'm waiting for an assessment but I'm like 99.99% sure I'm autistic. Which I will absolutely dedicate a whole post to that like the finding out how I was and why I feel life is sometimes different for me as compared to other people. But I also think the whole autism thing is one of the main reasons that I need to continue to write because one day there will be someone, autistic or not, who will feel as stuck as I do, and hopefully when I find a true way out I will have it on here, and they will be able to see that and take a similar path. Because let me tell you. There is 0 information for autistic adults struggling with addiction. Nothing. There is not jack shit out there. Now... I think here in like 10 years there will be floods of information but Right now there's nothing and my fear is that they won't figure out a way to treat addiction in austic adults before my addiction kills me. It's not gonna kill me I'm not gonna fuckin die an addict.

OK well like I said I've got to get used to taking time to type on here again and I will have to get it in my mind that I can't take everything you guys say to heart and I have to find my own way.

Anyways that's all I got for now I'll talk to you guys later
Shelby 2/5/22 11:42am
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Hey Shelby, glad to see that you made it back.

As you said in your previous post, whenever you speak your story in a public place, there will always be people that hear it. Some people might get pissed, some people might enjoy it, some people might even be inspired by it. That is up to them, and that is their thing. All you can do is speak your thoughts, and if it helps you do so, I truly implore you to continue doing so.

My suggestion to you would be to start a blog on this site. There is a lot less moderation in the blog section, and it doesn't' follow the same rules as this specific forum The Dark Side. That way you can basically free wheel your thoughts without having to worry about whether it follows our specific forum rules.

Here is a link to the blogs section so you can easily find it:

 
Hey, so I'm not reading replies right now. I'm going to assume they were positive and constructive, but I don't actually care right now, I'm just doing what's good for me. There will be a day when I am able to look at replies and also reply to them but that day is not today. And that day probably won't be tomorrow, either. I saw something about a drug fueled rant in one of the replies scrolling by and that's cool. I really don't give a fuck what you think about my drug fueled rants, though. Not only do I not give a fuck about your opinions about them but they're also none of my opinion, nor are they the responsibility for me to carry right now. I'm sorry if they were actually good positive things but with how things were last time I have every reason BUT to believe they are, and that's just how it's going to be for now, until I can read a comment without carrying the weight of anything that might be taken as a criticism, I am going to ignore comments. (because let's be honest here, all I do all day is critique myself 24/7, sometimes I have multiple trains of "why didn't you" or "you should have" or "you're a fuck up" going all at once, and that happens fairly often daily. I really don't need outside sources telling me what my internal monologue is already telling me loud and clear) And like don't think that it's because I hate you I don't hate anybody, I don't even dislike that you're trying to help, because I know that in you're head you thought or think things are going to help ("oh if I push him to see his faults he will finally quit using" "if I tell him the cold hard truth about what he's doing he'll listen", no, YOU listen, I know. I know. I know that what I'm doing isn't good for me; it's not good for my body; it takes a toll on the people around me (and I'll assume you, the reader, as well.) I know this. And maybe this is why I barricade myself away: living in an apartment working here, never going anywhere really except maybe to the walmart a mile away, the casino a mile away (on a RARE occasion) and occasionally the dopeman's house when he doesn't deliver it to me... OH and to the podunk gas station next door to get cigarettes like once a week I know that what I'm doing isn't good. In fact it's terrible. Bad terrible. Fucking terrible. I know. But I still do it. I have often felt stuck here and I appreciate the fact that you guys are dedicated emotionally to helping me get unstuck but because my brain works differently, I can't take criticism and apply it to growth, I take criticism as a self attack. So don't think it's all because of you it's not, it's just... The worms in my brain trying to convince me that I'm not good enough. And I'm sorry about those worms I try to dig them out through my skin, but only a couple come out at a time :ROFLMAO: c'mon that was funny. But seriously... just hang in there, reply if you need to, I feel like it would be a disservice to myself and to the poor motherfucker that has a mindset like mine, to discourage replying. I mean, I know you guys will reply y'all have never had a problem being quiet before :sneaky: lol but seriously don't feel like I'm ignoring you. I don't mean to take away the validation you need from a stranger on the internet, I'm just doing what is best for myself at this time. Call it cowardly call it rejection sensitivity dysphoria, call it what you want, I call it self care and working on what little health I have left.

Ok now that that whole ass post was dedicated to something I wish I didn't have to spend 30 minutes typing up, I can get to the good stuff. I took a hammer to my pipe today. I feel kinda proud of myself. And no I wasn't trying to make a hot rail stem out of it either, I shattered the stem too. I legitimately am tired man. Like... tired in a way that a 27 year old man shouldn't be. Like... tired in a... I feel the mountains whisper my name tired. And I mean, that feeling has been around for a minute. But recently I've been getting pretty tired of feeling tired. Like there was a time recently where I asked god to just fucking do me a favor and kill me and then I didn't die and then there was like 10 times last week where random people (everywhere from random people talking to me at the gas station to random programs I was watching on tv at 3am because I was high to getting fucking handwritten letters from strangers that I've never spoken to, to getting extremely coincidental phone calls at work with them ALL telling me that god does indeed exist... I've literally never heard that god exists so much in a short time span. Not only that but usually when those type of messages happen to randomly appear in my life I'm pretty good about ignoring them because I am for the most part non religious (of course questioning now lol) and of course you would want more people to believe what you believe in if you're profiting from it so of course you randomly hear "god is real" all the time but then like... the extent I heard it last week man and then like... the highly unlikely coincidences that either followed or came right before each event... I'm definitely going to do a post on it maybe tomorrow if I have nothing to write about, but idk man... it's crazy. Like.... if god IS real... which... I mean... at this point he, she, they, it, idk.... at this point God definitely proved themselves to me. That's for sure. And like it's crazy how I'm at this point in my addiction where I'm so tired of feeling like this that I'd almost rather die... and now I hear that. Idk... maybe I did some bad dope y'all idk maybe I'm another man that won't come back from war :ROFLMAO::LOL: jkjkjkjk I shouldn't joke about that I've done some pretty hairy shit in the last almost10 years I really should be more grateful that I made it out of it alive. And I am, actually. I am grateful.

Anyways.... Speaking of shit... I gotta hop off and go take one. Have a good night guys. Tomorrow will be day one again. Idk if it'll be the last one I'll ever have but I do know 1,000 day ones is still 1,000 days sober.

Shelby 2/5/22 11:43pm
 
slw0363 said:
Hey, so I'm not reading replies right now. I'm going to assume they were positive and constructive, but I don't actually care right now, I'm just doing what's good for me. There will be a day when I am able to look at replies and also reply to them but that day is not today. And that day probably won't be tomorrow, either. I saw something about a drug fueled rant in one of the replies scrolling by and that's cool. I really don't give a fuck what you think about my drug fueled rants, though. Not only do I not give a fuck about your opinions about them but they're also none of my opinion, nor are they the responsibility for me to carry right now. I'm sorry if they were actually good positive things but with how things were last time I have every reason BUT to believe they are, and that's just how it's going to be for now, until I can read a comment without carrying the weight of anything that might be taken as a criticism, I am going to ignore comments. (because let's be honest here, all I do all day is critique myself 24/7, sometimes I have multiple trains of "why didn't you" or "you should have" or "you're a fuck up" going all at once, and that happens fairly often daily. I really don't need outside sources telling me what my internal monologue is already telling me loud and clear) And like don't think that it's because I hate you I don't hate anybody, I don't even dislike that you're trying to help, because I know that in you're head you thought or think things are going to help ("oh if I push him to see his faults he will finally quit using" "if I tell him the cold hard truth about what he's doing he'll listen", no, YOU listen, I know. I know. I know that what I'm doing isn't good for me; it's not good for my body; it takes a toll on the people around me (and I'll assume you, the reader, as well.) I know this. And maybe this is why I barricade myself away: living in an apartment working here, never going anywhere really except maybe to the walmart a mile away, the casino a mile away (on a RARE occasion) and occasionally the dopeman's house when he doesn't deliver it to me... OH and to the podunk gas station next door to get cigarettes like once a week I know that what I'm doing isn't good. In fact it's terrible. Bad terrible. Fucking terrible. I know. But I still do it. I have often felt stuck here and I appreciate the fact that you guys are dedicated emotionally to helping me get unstuck but because my brain works differently, I can't take criticism and apply it to growth, I take criticism as a self attack. So don't think it's all because of you it's not, it's just... The worms in my brain trying to convince me that I'm not good enough. And I'm sorry about those worms I try to dig them out through my skin, but only a couple come out at a time :ROFLMAO: c'mon that was funny. But seriously... just hang in there, reply if you need to, I feel like it would be a disservice to myself and to the poor motherfucker that has a mindset like mine, to discourage replying. I mean, I know you guys will reply y'all have never had a problem being quiet before :sneaky: lol but seriously don't feel like I'm ignoring you. I don't mean to take away the validation you need from a stranger on the internet, I'm just doing what is best for myself at this time. Call it cowardly call it rejection sensitivity dysphoria, call it what you want, I call it self care and working on what little health I have left.

Ok now that that whole ass post was dedicated to something I wish I didn't have to spend 30 minutes typing up, I can get to the good stuff. I took a hammer to my pipe today. I feel kinda proud of myself. And no I wasn't trying to make a hot rail stem out of it either, I shattered the stem too. I legitimately am tired man. Like... tired in a way that a 27 year old man shouldn't be. Like... tired in a... I feel the mountains whisper my name tired. And I mean, that feeling has been around for a minute. But recently I've been getting pretty tired of feeling tired. Like there was a time recently where I asked god to just fucking do me a favor and kill me and then I didn't die and then there was like 10 times last week where random people (everywhere from random people talking to me at the gas station to random programs I was watching on tv at 3am because I was high to getting fucking handwritten letters from strangers that I've never spoken to, to getting extremely coincidental phone calls at work with them ALL telling me that god does indeed exist... I've literally never heard that god exists so much in a short time span. Not only that but usually when those type of messages happen to randomly appear in my life I'm pretty good about ignoring them because I am for the most part non religious (of course questioning now lol) and of course you would want more people to believe what you believe in if you're profiting from it so of course you randomly hear "god is real" all the time but then like... the extent I heard it last week man and then like... the highly unlikely coincidences that either followed or came right before each event... I'm definitely going to do a post on it maybe tomorrow if I have nothing to write about, but idk man... it's crazy. Like.... if god IS real... which... I mean... at this point he, she, they, it, idk.... at this point God definitely proved themselves to me. That's for sure. And like it's crazy how I'm at this point in my addiction where I'm so tired of feeling like this that I'd almost rather die... and now I hear that. Idk... maybe I did some bad dope y'all idk maybe I'm another man that won't come back from war :ROFLMAO::LOL: jkjkjkjk I shouldn't joke about that I've done some pretty hairy shit in the last almost10 years I really should be more grateful that I made it out of it alive. And I am, actually. I am grateful.

Anyways.... Speaking of shit... I gotta hop off and go take one. Have a good night guys. Tomorrow will be day one again. Idk if it'll be the last one I'll ever have but I do know 1,000 day ones is still 1,000 days sober.

Shelby 2/5/22 11:43pm
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If you're not worried about reading people's responses, then you should start a BLOG like I suggested, not a post in TDS.

That way you can say how you feel about anyone and everyone without it being policed.
 
@slw0363 , Shelby,
Welcome back , this is a safe and helpful place! we all try and treat each other as we want to be treated.
does not Always work, and using/WDs can put us in a hard and painful place, But this too shall pass.
I will start to read you past posts, to get to know the old you , and hope to see you here often, so I can learn as much as you are willing to share going forward.
thank you
ICE-
 
So... I really... I wanna get high right... Like I've made this promise to myself that I am going to journal first. I'm not going to get high, I'm not going to think about getting high. I'm not even going to consider getting high until this journal is done...

So I typed that and my addictions therapist friend called me. I really think the universe or god or idk what or who really works in mysterious ways sometimes. I really don't wanna get high but I know in 30 seconds flat how my mood can change and I can all of a sudden be going with the flow. Speaking of my addictions therapist friend she started Adderall today (prescribed) for her severe adhd. I know she had to feel a lot of stress from it bc she comes from a long background of addiction herself, never being really addicted to anything except for like... food, and maybe a light addiction to weed in her life, years ago. But I know there's some "omg I hope I don't get addicted to this" and I mean... I hope she sees me and thinks that I'm a good example of what not to be and even if I'm just that I'm ok with it.
I'm not going to say I didn't smoke today... and that's a whole thing too right so I found this neighbor that smokes the shit. And today she was supposed to take me to the store to go get groceries (which she did) and she saw that I was tired af today, which I am, and she invited me inside to get high. But she was still smoking shit that my dopeman had gotten us, and the problem is is that's what she said, but I swear it wasn't the same shit like... The shit she had burnt really fast and tasted terrible and I literally go through my dopeman because his shit isn't that. And then she wanted to accuse me of burning it but I literally treated it no differently than what I had, I think she has been using some raunchy shit to give to me in hopes that I would feign for more. Fuck that type of bullshit man I don't even want to play those types of games. God is telling me for a reason not to fuck with her anymore and I really feel like I better just listen. She's very addicted to the casino and those casino hoppers are scary motherfuckers, let me tell you their addiction is so quiet and fast they'll do what they gotta do to get money and blow it all in one fail swoop.

But fuck... here I am sitting and thinking about asking her if she wants to go in on a half with me and if she would take me to go get a pipe. Fuck... I hate this place I am in I am so tired. I'm so tired. I can get high another time. I need to not do it. I really need to not do it. I need to not do it.

I'm sitting here already pre disapointed in myself because I might do it. I'm so tired physically though and I got work tomorrow. Like I'm going to be so tired at work tomorrow if I stay up all night tonight even though I'm trying to reason with myself right now and be all like "well I'll just do a little tonight and force myself to sleep for a few hours and then go to work" like I know that's not really how that works out and I'm so mad because I still wanna do it. FUCK. I don't wanna go through this anymore I feel so sad that I'm still here.

But it is what it is and if I need to go through it then I need to go through it so I can come out on the other side with the faith that things aren't going to get better if I continue to use. Fuck... even that feels like really deep justification.

ugh well I might as well get high and then journal about it
shelby 2/6/22 6:47pm
 
So I've got a lot of big feelings today. And they're all like super undirected and disorganized. And it doesn't help that I'm busy af today at work. I stayed up all night, I'm not even gonna lie... I went out and bought a pipe and shit and I just stayed up all night and yeah. Idk.. I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like I'm proud of it, I'm not. I don't want pity and I don't want pride, I just want to get the discombobulated mess that lives in my head onto paper.

I typed that a few hours ago while I was at work. Y'all it was so damn busy I've worked there since October and today definitely ranked in the top two worst days I've had since I started there. I won't say that none of it has to do with me getting high last night, there's always a level of shame and remorse I feel the next day after getting high. More recently while I've been getting high and even more recently before I've been getting high. I literally don't know how ones mind can be so consumed so hard by not just the using but the getting the social norms between friends the whole thing. I don't know how or why I ended up like this and I really realize that it's one go the least important things to sit and try to figure those types of things out, but I really wonder how it came to be like this. Because I really feel at this point in my addiction that I'm losing more than years on my life. I think at this point it's going to start boiling down to quality of life I can have while I'm still alive. I hope I'm wrong. But sometimes I feel tired like... Physically exauhsted not like I ran a mile but the type of tired where it's like... I was exerting an equal but ample amount of energy all day non stop but I look back on the day and I mean... What did I do? Dishes? Jack off? Stress about what kinds of cancer I have? None of those things feels like it equates to the tiredness I feel at the end of the day. I'm tired and I'm scared because I'm tired.

It has maybe been like 3 hours since I typed that. Something weird in a "I done picked at my face too long and hit a vein that leads to my brain" or "maybe I have fuckin hiv dementia since I'm now not detectable anymore." that deserves a post in itself but like I didn't sleep. But I didn't smoke more. In fact I took 2 mid nite sleeping chewables to make myself go to sleep but they never work and the last time I took 3 I didn't wake up for work. It's not the part of staying asleep that I really have trouble with it's the getting my ass to sleep part. My doctor put me on Zyprexa but I don't have any (along with my hiv meds) because between the pharmacy messing up and the doctors office not answering phone calls and my work schedule I just give up. It's not the first time it's happened, it's actually happened so often that I was undetectable taking my meds everyday MAYBE missing a pill like twice a month max to now I'm detectable again and I literally feel the hiv in my body and even more my mental sanity with that and just generally feeling stuck my mental capacity just hits bricks most of the time and it has now for a couple years like there will be times... Weeks... Days.... Months... That is just a blur like I'm pretty sure this is the addiction but also like I'm legitimately struggling like so here's the thing...when I learned that I might be autistic at first I was in denial. But then I felt relief because everything that made me different than everybody else was finally explained. And yes sure I didn't need an explanation when I was a child I always always always had my mom cheering me on. She would tell me things like "man I get my pants from the thrift store too and the person who bought the same pair of jeans brand new might laugh at you to your face but you just laugh right on back because you're the one getting the same pair of jeans for half the cost" like she justified everything for me. I didn't have to have a question about any of it and I was ok with that. I didn't know any better. For like 25 years I didn't know what it was like to have to justify my own weirdness to the world on my own but when my mom abandoned the house I slowly began to learn that my life was not like other people's and it wasn't all along. I started to want answers. I feel like maybe I started to want answers even before then like why was I not doing as well in college as my friends, and my mom couldn't really have a justification for that one because she didn't go to a university like I did she just went to community college. I imagine if I would have sent to juco straight out of high school I probably would have done well too. Idk if she did well or not but I imagine if she was anything like me she probably did pretty well and what she didn't know how to do well on she could probably fake it enough to get by. It was like that for me in high school and when i took college classes taught at the high school and then after a couple years of going to university I went to juco thinking it was my solution and at that point I was just so burnt out on going to school for something I really didn't care about anymore. I was so burnt out on all of it I started doing drugs in fact.

So like here's the thing right like maybe this is part of the hiv dementia idk but like... God has really been showing himself or themself or theyself to me recently. I'm not going to go into all of the wildly coincidental things that have happened to me over the past few weeks just yet mostly because I'm still trying to comprehend it, but it has lead me to watch a lot of Joyce Meyer oddly enough. I guess not oddly for me, my mom loved Joyce Meyer and I remember watching her late night or early Sunday morning on TV. And growing up even though we went to church sometimes especially after my mom got divorced to my step-dad, I remember actively thinking it was all a crock of shit like I actively told my mom as a third grader that I know that God doesn't exist and it's not that I've ever been mad at God like some people actually I think MOST people these days who are atheist really I feel maybe just have a lot of resentment towards God for letting them go through a situation that they weren't prepared to go through. And I get that. In a lot of situations that I hear about I would be mad at God, too. But my situation was always different... I had nothing to be mad at God for, I just didn't believe in the notion of talking snakes and some girl getting knocked up my magic like I figured as a kid that it probably was that she probably did something with some man or maybe got raped and couldn't admit it like I never saw a reason to believe in something that didn't make sense in the real world becuase if it didn't make sense in the real world why would there a be a whole religion around it? OK my phones dying so I'm going to publish this but I'm gong to find my charger, lay down, and start working on the next part here but I might not have it published till tomorrow idk

Shelby 2/8/21 1:19am
 
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Hey Shelby. Since you aren't responding to anyone ( and don't really care to) this is more of a Blog. Well, it actually is a blog as you make no comments anywhere else on BL. I understand this is just your way of journaling ( and it's fine to do it on here in Bluelight ) but you are just talking to yourself and getting your feelings out and instead of using paper and pen you write it here.

It's a great way to give yourself some insight and therapy into your life. I think @deficiT and I both agree it is a great Blog and should be in that section. Good luck on the path of life.
 
So I just happened to see your response, @Nurse Ratched and let me tell you that I appriciate your opinion, actually, I don't care. And I never really did. You were the reason that I left bl in the first place, and if I had it my way, you wouldn't be able to comment on what I post at all. I'm glad you think it's so important to object your opinion like you're my personal thought secretary after every goddamn post, but frankly I don't read replies BECAUSE OF YOU. I don't care if you think my posts should be somewhere else, I think your eyes don't have to look at my posts. So if what I have to say is a waste of your time, or if you feel like I don't do or behave or act or think in the way that you think I should act, then you should go be someone's personal thought secretary to someone else. I did not choose for my posts to be moved here, so if it's against the rules what I'm saying, then you can personally move my posts to where you see fit. Because I'm going to keep typing to this, and I'm going to continue to ignore specifically you because you get under my skin. And I know that must give you great comfort and pride on a daily, to get under my skin, I would image you have nothing better in a day than to go on some random ass website that people talk about drugs on, because that's the way you come off. I struggle, and this is the place I can talk to and work through some of it, and maybe nobody will ever see or get or feel what I'm talking about but I see it and I get it and I feel it. And it's maybe the first time in my life that I am doing so, and guess what? I'm going to continue to do so, despite what you think or feel about it. So go ahead and tell me what I should have been doing all along. Come up with something good to waste your time on, and I really mean it, you will be WASTING YOUR TIME. Go ahead. Waste your time. Guess what? I've recently been wasting a lot of my time too and I've been finding a little bit of enjoyment out of it actually, so go ahead and reply and I might find a little more time to waste my time some more. And I mean that, I will waste my time in talking to you, and next time I'll probably enjoy it a little more. And the next time? A little more.

Go ahead and shoot your best shot. I didn't come here to have people try to control me in the ways that you have tried and at first I gave your opinions some consideration but each time you come up with some stupid waste my time and get under my skin bullshit about what you think I should be doing. And for what? You don't know me and I don't know you., and I really don't care to after figuring out the way you act. You're immature, controlling, and I would NEVER want the sobriety you have. I would die an addict before I had the sobriety you had. So really, do us both a favor since you think so little of the things I post and stop looking. It's not about you and it's none of your business and I didn't ask for it to be and now that I know that I see more of the whole picture about who you are, it will never be your business. Let me reiterate, I specifically left this website because you were being a prick and I didn't want to have to deal with you anymore. You'd be doing the biggest favor by never replying again but you and I both know you won't be able to do that, so go ahead and tell me what you think. I'm sure the next train for you will be the victim, acting like I'm the one coming for you. Please. You interject a bunch of controlling bullshit where it doesn't belong and it needs to stop, because you literally make things worse off than what they were to begin with. I don't care for you or what your opinion is on my life, but go ahead we all know you're gonna give it anyways. As for me, I am going to continue to type what's going on and to read other people's replies and reply to other people because what they have to say doesn't come from a place of control, like yours does.
Let me rephrase: I care about what people have to say and occasionally the ways they think I can better myself, but I will never... NEVER care about what you have to say or the ways you think I can better myself. I'm done with you, man. YOU. I tried to give you time to figure it out I tried not replying to you I tried finding the fucking block button on this goddamn website so I'd never have to hear about what you think I should do again, but this is what it is now. So go ahead and draw as many people as you can into it, get it all the way over with man, because I am done with seeing you on the place I go to get out some shit that I've been keeping in for a long time. You are not welcome here, I don't give a fuck what you think, and you make me feel a certain way about you that I don't just feel about people and you certainly make me feel a way about this website that doesn't deserve the way I feel about it. One day I will be sober and that day is probably closer than it is further away, and my successes and my sobriety and my journey will not have you in it

Go ahead and tell me what you think of that, I know you will. It'll all be wrong, it always is. I never say anything about it because I'm trying my best to not come off hateful or like I don't give a fuck, but on all your posts to me all you do is accuse and point unneeded fingers and say things that are inaccurate af because you think you have seen enough of my thoughts on a screen to paint an accurate depiction of who I am. If you did know who I was you'd know that the type of controlling you try to do with me fuckin kills me man, and you wouldn't do it. If you AT ALL CARED you would had stopped a long time ago when I asked you to stop before, but you continued on and this is what it is now, so I see that you actually don't give a fuck at all other that trying to control other people's sobriety and lives and policing a little spot on the internet. You don't care about anything other than that. So go ahead and tell me what you think, because I know you don't care enough to just fucking be quiet and let me get out some stupid ass shit that bothers me. A simple thing. A simple goddamn thing that is helping someone out more than you'll ever care to know and you have to police it and try to control it like your life counted on it. Well that's fine if it does, I'm not saying you can't, but I am asking you to stop looking at my replies if it kills you so badly. Like I said, I didn't ask to be moved here. I started this in a place where I saw other recovery diaries and the thread was moved here, and I've actually made it a point before and I made it a point again, maybe the only thing that I do consistently, to keep this updated, so I'm just not moving it again. So YOU move me to the fuckin trash for all I care guess what me and my trash people will be out there getting some shit on our chest away from you, and I will be so glad about that I won't feel afraid to look at replies or try to get my weird ass thoughts controlled by you

If you really cared.. you'd leave me alone and let me do what I need to do to get sober. But I know, I'm about to get my time wasted by you again. But like I said, I've been enjoying wasting my time a little bit recently.

So why don't you go ahead and waste a little time with me, friend? :)
Shelby 2/8/22 10:29pm
 
slw0363 said:
So I just happened to see your response, @Nurse Ratched and let me tell you that I appriciate your opinion, actually, I don't care. And I never really did. You were the reason that I left bl in the first place, and if I had it my way, you wouldn't be able to comment on what I post at all. I'm glad you think it's so important to object your opinion like you're my personal thought secretary after every goddamn post, but frankly I don't read replies BECAUSE OF YOU. I don't care if you think my posts should be somewhere else, I think your eyes don't have to look at my posts. So if what I have to say is a waste of your time, or if you feel like I don't do or behave or act or think in the way that you think I should act, then you should go be someone's personal thought secretary to someone else. I did not choose for my posts to be moved here, so if it's against the rules what I'm saying, then you can personally move my posts to where you see fit. Because I'm going to keep typing to this, and I'm going to continue to ignore specifically you because you get under my skin. And I know that must give you great comfort and pride on a daily, to get under my skin, I would image you have nothing better in a day than to go on some random ass website that people talk about drugs on, because that's the way you come off. I struggle, and this is the place I can talk to and work through some of it, and maybe nobody will ever see or get or feel what I'm talking about but I see it and I get it and I feel it. And it's maybe the first time in my life that I am doing so, and guess what? I'm going to continue to do so, despite what you think or feel about it. So go ahead and tell me what I should have been doing all along. Come up with something good to waste your time on, and I really mean it, you will be WASTING YOUR TIME. Go ahead. Waste your time. Guess what? I've recently been wasting a lot of my time too and I've been finding a little bit of enjoyment out of it actually, so go ahead and reply and I might find a little more time to waste my time some more. And I mean that, I will waste my time in talking to you, and next time I'll probably enjoy it a little more. And the next time? A little more.

Go ahead and shoot your best shot. I didn't come here to have people try to control me in the ways that you have tried and at first I gave your opinions some consideration but each time you come up with some stupid waste my time and get under my skin bullshit about what you think I should be doing. And for what? You don't know me and I don't know you., and I really don't care to after figuring out the way you act. You're immature, controlling, and I would NEVER want the sobriety you have. I would die an addict before I had the sobriety you had. So really, do us both a favor since you think so little of the things I post and stop looking. It's not about you and it's none of your business and I didn't ask for it to be and now that I know that I see more of the whole picture about who you are, it will never be your business. Let me reiterate, I specifically left this website because you were being a prick and I didn't want to have to deal with you anymore. You'd be doing the biggest favor by never replying again but you and I both know you won't be able to do that, so go ahead and tell me what you think. I'm sure the next train for you will be the victim, acting like I'm the one coming for you. Please. You interject a bunch of controlling bullshit where it doesn't belong and it needs to stop, because you literally make things worse off than what they were to begin with. I don't care for you or what your opinion is on my life, but go ahead we all know you're gonna give it anyways. As for me, I am going to continue to type what's going on and to read other people's replies and reply to other people because what they have to say doesn't come from a place of control, like yours does.
Let me rephrase: I care about what people have to say and occasionally the ways they think I can better myself, but I will never... NEVER care about what you have to say or the ways you think I can better myself. I'm done with you, man. YOU. I tried to give you time to figure it out I tried not replying to you I tried finding the fucking block button on this goddamn website so I'd never have to hear about what you think I should do again, but this is what it is now. So go ahead and draw as many people as you can into it, get it all the way over with man, because I am done with seeing you on the place I go to get out some shit that I've been keeping in for a long time. You are not welcome here, I don't give a fuck what you think, and you make me feel a certain way about you that I don't just feel about people and you certainly make me feel a way about this website that doesn't deserve the way I feel about it. One day I will be sober and that day is probably closer than it is further away, and my successes and my sobriety and my journey will not have you in it

Go ahead and tell me what you think of that, I know you will. It'll all be wrong, it always is. I never say anything about it because I'm trying my best to not come off hateful or like I don't give a fuck, but on all your posts to me all you do is accuse and point unneeded fingers and say things that are inaccurate af because you think you have seen enough of my thoughts on a screen to paint an accurate depiction of who I am. If you did know who I was you'd know that the type of controlling you try to do with me fuckin kills me man, and you wouldn't do it. If you AT ALL CARED you would had stopped a long time ago when I asked you to stop before, but you continued on and this is what it is now, so I see that you actually don't give a fuck at all other that trying to control other people's sobriety and lives and policing a little spot on the internet. You don't care about anything other than that. So go ahead and tell me what you think, because I know you don't care enough to just fucking be quiet and let me get out some stupid ass shit that bothers me. A simple thing. A simple goddamn thing that is helping someone out more than you'll ever care to know and you have to police it and try to control it like your life counted on it. Well that's fine if it does, I'm not saying you can't, but I am asking you to stop looking at my replies if it kills you so badly. Like I said, I didn't ask to be moved here. I started this in a place where I saw other recovery diaries and the thread was moved here, and I've actually made it a point before and I made it a point again, maybe the only thing that I do consistently, to keep this updated, so I'm just not moving it again. So YOU move me to the fuckin trash for all I care guess what me and my trash people will be out there getting some shit on our chest away from you, and I will be so glad about that I won't feel afraid to look at replies or try to get my weird ass thoughts controlled by you

If you really cared.. you'd leave me alone and let me do what I need to do to get sober. But I know, I'm about to get my time wasted by you again. But like I said, I've been enjoying wasting my time a little bit recently.

So why don't you go ahead and waste a little time with me, friend? :)
Shelby 2/8/22 10:29pm
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Hey mate, just saying my piece here, no one was trying to move you to the trash. I suggested it would be better for the blogs section to give you MORE freedom to say what you want as far our rules go than the TDS section, which has different content policies, different community of people viewing it, different purpose, etc.

This doesn't mean your post doesn't show up like all of the other posts or anything like that, it's viewed just the same as any other forum, it's just its own section.

As she's a mod, you can't really put her on the ignore function, but you've made your thoughts pretty clear, so if you'd like her to no longer comment, I will support that personally and request she back off as well.

All I ask is that now that you've made your point, we leave it at that and not continue any kind of personal attacks in that manner, that goes for her as well, I don't want to see this spiral into anything more than it needs to be.
 
deficiT said:
Hey mate, just saying my piece here, no one was trying to move you to the trash. I suggested it would be better for the blogs section to give you MORE freedom to say what you want as far our rules go than the TDS section, which has different content policies, different community of people viewing it, different purpose, etc.

This doesn't mean your post doesn't show up like all of the other posts or anything like that, it's viewed just the same as any other forum, it's just its own section.

As she's a mod, you can't really put her on the ignore function, but you've made your thoughts pretty clear, so if you'd like her to no longer comment, I will support that personally and request she back off as well.

All I ask is that now that you've made your point, we leave it at that and not continue any kind of personal attacks in that manner, that goes for her as well, I don't want to see this spiral into anything more than it needs to be.
Click to expand...
My lips are sealed from this point forward. As are my fingers.
 
Thank you. Look... So let me take a step back from my life and tell you how it really is. Like this, what I'm about to say, is objectively any acquaintance would say about me. I'm only going to to put things that I feel someone who barely knew me from a healthy perspective (already knew how to set and keep boundaries, didn't feel the need to save others, etc) would say... about me. Because here's the other half of the truth, I come here, usually high, which, isn't a lie, and usually coming down, which, don't get me wrong, it's totally important for me to get my feelings out when I'm coming down, but I also realize that to the mere acquaintance, I might come off as really deperessed, down on myself, dramatic, and spiteful, to list a few... on the days that I have to learn to deal with the comedown. I know that a lot of those feelings for me are very contradictory and that pretty much in those moments I'm in a way blinding myself to "the answer". Like... I know what the answer is. I know what I have to do, guys. I might be autistic I might have adhd but the in the end the answer is literally the same for me as it is you, and I can try to complain about it, justify a different way, cut everybody around me down so they're well aware not to try, I can do whatever, but at the end of the day it will be me... god... and a choice. And I'm telling you absolutely right now 100% without a doubt I will always choose sobriety. I might have a needle in my arm and a pipe in my mouth but I will always choose to come back home. I will always choose being aware over being numbed. I will always choose settling my past instead of running from it.
So I'm going to get to this whole "what a stranger would say about me" thing, but the last thing I wanna say is that I know how frusterating it must be with me. I feel also frusterated with myself all the time and I know y'all have got to feel hopeless for me sometimes, bless y'alls hearts. lol. But like... other than when I stop choosing to run, and I start asking questions about what it's like to not have to run anymore, I don't want you guys to save me. You CAN'T save me. You can try if you want to get frusterated but really that's what it's going to end in is frusteration becuase I will see that you were right all along, I won't admit you were right, I will have had to fail at whatever you were trying to give me advice about in 30 different ways and it'll be only on the 31st way do I do it the suggested way, only to rename it as my idea and add a lil' flare on it like it was my idea the whole time, Like it really... it really makes sense to me why I don't have a lot of friends at this point in my life lol.

Anyways, back to the original topic... What do people objectively think of me?
I think they think I'm very capable of achieving long term sobriety.
I think they think I'm very capable of being my own person and creating my own success in this life.
I think they see someone who is disorganized but that I try hard.
I think they see someone who happens to be caught up in a bad choice and he will grow up and out of this one day.
I think they sometimes feel like they want to "save me" like.. they want to start deciding every choice for me in the light that it is the bigger prospective that they see and I don't.
I think they think I'm pretty lucky a lot in this life.
I think they think I am kind.
I think they think I am generous.
I think they think I am motivational.
I think they think I carry a lot of shame with me, everywhere I go.

All of these things, objectively speaking is what someone who neither has spent a great deal of time with me nor have they that much immediate dislike for me. All of the things on this list are things that both me and the objective person can both believe about myself. It's not through the lense of using, and it's not through the lense of coming down it just is what it is. I'm grateful that most of the things on that list are mostly positive. I do think of myself mostly positive and I sincerely do love my life. I love my dog, I love my job, I love what friends I do have, I love what friends I'm gonna make one day.

I would not trade the loneliness and isolation that I feel right now at this point in my life for anything in the world, because I know and I have faith, that one day things are going to be such the opposit for me: that I'm going to have so many people in my life and so much good chaos that I will have a hard time keeping up with it.

I am learning my peace about the world right now in my life.
And to do that I need to let go of some chaos, which is me coming on here to vent stupid ass bullshit ass things that probably don't make any sense.
Some people have art, some people have their jobs, some people have family to come back to when they're done with their addiction....


I have...... here.



and that's ok.

shelby 2/11/22 11:13pm
 
I can't sleep. I gotta be up for work in like 4 hours. Yesterday I went to a friend's house to watch the superbowl and to smoke a bowl and now I'm pretty sure I hear the hissing of a snake in my house. It's fucking dumb. I can't stop picking. I almost didn't want to post what's going on out of fear of being judged or ridiculed, but at the same time, like this is what it is, and I'm not proud of it, in fact I feel immense shame about it, but this is what addiction is.
At the end of the day, it's just me knowing every single time what I need to do. Just like a I need to take out the trash, just like I need to do dishes.
Sure you could arugue that the dishes and the trash won't kill me but they could get me kicked out if they pile up enough. Homelessness would definitely kill me pretty quick.
It's just me... And the quiet and the quiet plea with God that I have every single time I can't sleep to just let me live one more day.
Joyce Meyer says "don't ask God to change things that you aren't actively trying to change" but at the end of the day, we know that change is accompanied by things we are willing to change, and sameness is accompanied by things we aren't. So then why am I so not willing to change, but I hate the way I am so bad? Why do I have such a hated towards myself? Why does God keep letting me live like this?
Sometimes I really ask God to kill me, but after a couple hours later I guess I always take it back and ask him for forgiveness and for a few more hours on the ticking clock that is my life.
I'm glad to come here and talk about nothing. I know nobody is probably laughing or talking back with me after what I said the other day but that's OK. It's fine. What I really have to say in moments like this has no weight or value. Just don't mind me I'm just a sim going on about my life.

Borka schmooka!
Flidlie Lee!

It's a lot easier to kill a sim than it is to kill yourself.

There's a lot less remorse.

I'm not thinking about killing myself but I'd be lying if I have said I haven't thought about it before.

I guess that's kinda how I learned that I don't actually wanna die.

But idk man... If the rest or even bulk of my life is gonna be just me battling myself and slowly going more and more crazy... Maybe I don't fear death so much.

I think about the system we have right like some addicts have to die for everybody else to know that you shouldn't fuck with addiction. Maybe I'm one of them. I mean I hope not, but I've been using for like 7 years now and time is just slipping away at this point, I'm so stuck in feeling stuck and battling myself and I'm genuinely concerned that I'm going to blink and I'll be like 45 dying of congestive heart failure in a hospital bed with not a single person by my side.

Its the strangest shit I google some of how I feel like why are there not people who feel stuck and have no idea why there stuck and also why is every answer that I find incorrect and really at the point of finding every answer incorrect, I start to give up again because I get it. The answer is me like I'M dysfunctional. Not these people trying genuinely to solve an answer. It's me. I'M the one with problems. But it's like I'm so.... Idk... There's a word for what I'm thinking of and it might come to me after a moment but it's like when you have no clue what's going on at any given point, but it's about yourself.

Like my right arm could be falling off and it's not that I wouldn't realize it was falling off, it's that I would think it's because I have high blood pressure and I smoked too many cigarettes. It's like... There's logic there... And it's somehow not incorrect like sure the reason an arm can fall off CAN be because of high blood pressure and smoking too many cigarettes... But I'm not seeing the problem... Like... Idk if it's that I don't get the problem or if it's that I feel like I'm too good for the problem or idk what. But that's been like... The whole thing about me... Is that I genuinely have good intentions but my logic is just... Off...

And then I beat myself up at the end of the day and then I ask God to forgive me for beating me up. And everybody done did left so it's just me and this forum and the occasional junkie that comes along and wants to make some money and God and my dog.

And I walk around my house having full conversations with myself and my dog. I have the TV on for background usually. Or music.
My neighbors who live above me... They're a nice couple. Hardworking. Just had a baby... They never talk to me and I literally don't blame them. I can't imagine some of the stuff they hear me doing in the quiet of my mental insanity at night.

My addiction counselor friend told me "Shelby, you gotta keep going to your psychiatry appointments until they get it. Until they understand the situation you're in. Until they see fully why you do everything you do"

And I can't help but to think the same about this.

One day someone will get it.

Idk if that day will be when I'm alive.

I hope it is.

I guess I'll just keep writing until then.

And I think I'm going to try to sleep at least a little bit before I gotta be up. I got 3 alarms set in different places in my house.

Good luck to me.

I'm gonna need it.

Thanks me.

Thanks me.

God bless.

Shmorka doopa.

Shelby 2/14/22 (ain't today valentines day or some shit?) 6:35am
 
If I die in my sleep tonight... Which I won't. But if I do... Let this be my last living will and testament that my dog goes to my mom. Let it be known that yes, he and I had odd and strange ways to communicate, but out of everybody that ever met him, you understood him the most.
My mom has first dibs at any item in my apartment. Then Jessica and Wendy. I know I don't have much, and at the end of the day you may want to throw most of it away, but all of that stuff I worked really hard for, because at one time I didn't have it. It took me a long time to value anything. It took me multiple times of losing everything. Many of the things you see in my apartment were truly me deciding if I was worth each thing I ended up with, and for each thing you see was a time I decided that I was worth it.
Let it be known how much I saw those who tried and I love them for that. Thank you. It is not you who failed.
It will be a system long from now in which we will realize what the cure was for me. And truly it's not important that we figure it out now, it's just important that we were grateful for the time we had.

I love you.

Shelby 2/14/21

I've decided valentines day is a stupid holiday to die on so I'm pushing it back to presidents day but at least maybe even until Labor Day. So don't get shook, I'm not gone yet, motherfuckers, but let it just be for the record.
Just in case.

Shelby 2/14/22 11:04pm
 
slw0363 said:
If I die in my sleep tonight... Which I won't. But if I do... Let this be my last living will and testament that my dog goes to my mom. Let it be known that yes, he and I had odd and strange ways to communicate, but out of everybody that ever met him, you understood him the most.
My mom has first dibs at any item in my apartment. Then Jessica and Wendy. I know I don't have much, and at the end of the day you may want to throw most of it away, but all of that stuff I worked really hard for, because at one time I didn't have it. It took me a long time to value anything. It took me multiple times of losing everything. Many of the things you see in my apartment were truly me deciding if I was worth each thing I ended up with, and for each thing you see was a time I decided that I was worth it.
Let it be known how much I saw those who tried and I love them for that. Thank you. It is not you who failed.
It will be a system long from now in which we will realize what the cure was for me. And truly it's not important that we figure it out now, it's just important that we were grateful for the time we had.

I love you.

Shelby 2/14/21

I've decided valentines day is a stupid holiday to die on so I'm pushing it back to presidents day but at least maybe even until Labor Day. So don't get shook, I'm not gone yet, motherfuckers, but let it just be for the record.
Just in case.

Shelby 2/14/22 11:04pm
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yeah its a good time not to pass away, i mean check you out, creative writer, open n honest, even funny, what a loss to this world,i bet yah should stick around, theres pleasure and so much to still experience, your pain is yours, but go sit in a childrens cancer ward get some perspective on suffering, please hang tough with the rest of us
Beg Please GIF by Harlem
 
Hey guys. So.. I'm feeling a lot of big feelings... Suprise.. right? So I guess I'll just write because I don't know why I feel these big feelings it's just like sitting inside of me like "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and you have as much of a clue as I do as to what "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" means lol
So there's something that has been brought to my attention, and that is that I am still alive. lol. Maybe I'll hire a GHOST WRITER for when I do die. AYOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Ok I joke because idk what to talk about. But no seriously.... there's something I want to make clear... I'm not suicidal.
Let me rephrase....
I do not currently and never have at any point in my life ever wanted to unalive myself.
Ok so remember what I just told you, because it will be really important.
I do think a lot about death, though.
I think about how sex with strangers isn't fun anymore.
I think about how I get so breathless that I can't even breathe not even from doing anything special, just walking up stairs.
I think about how much I've grown in the last couple years. I would never have been so honest even just 12 months ago.
I think about how I'm kinda good at enforcing boundaries once I know them.
I think about pressing my fingers in my leg and it kinda feels like marshmellows when you press hard enough, but it leaves an indention.
I think about all my bloodwork that keeps coming back normal even though I know what I feel. Or maybe I don't.
I think about my dad.
I think about my mom.
I think about my dreams where my mom is someone I don't even recognize.
I think about my dreams where she is dilapidated and blames everything bad that has happened to her on me.
I think about the growth I've done and how I may never be able to see my mom in the same way as when she abandoned me in her own house.
I think about death a lot.
I wonder what my death will be like. I wonder if I'll be young or I'll be old. At this pace I got just a few years left. The other day my doctor said I had tachycardia, but really I remember my heart rate always being over 100 bpm, even before drugs. I wonder how I'll die. I always felt like the worst way I could possibly die right now is by some obscure cancer where the DNA was changed by prolonged drug abuse, and either the doctors tell me I have very little time left, or even worse, they will refuse to treat me because they think I'm killing myself.
But at the day they get to go home. They get to go to their nice cars, or families who love them, or money in their bank account. And I'm just... here. I do have a dog that loves me. That does mean a lot. That dog in a lot of ways probably actually does keep me from being suicidal, but he will never know that.
I think about if there's ever a situation in which I know matter of factly me and my dog were in danger in a way that meant he was going to be tortured for the rest of his life, and so would I, I would probably find a way to kill him and then myself. Because that poor guy.. Don't get me wrong... I love him.. But he is spoiled as shit. If he had to spend the night outside, I'm thoroughly convinced he would just croak over. I love my dog though. I would give up a place indoors and I would lay myself comfortably on the ground earth just to know he was safe and loved and spoiled.
I think this is maybe why I couldn't be a parent at this given moment in my life, because I feel such a "I can't trust anybody to take care of my dog except for me" like I know his signals for an upset stomach and when he wants to watch cartoons and when he wants tucked in. I know he loves the air conditioner during the summer, and I know he loves sittng outside. I know when he hugs me, he hugs me with his tail. One time we went through his basket of toys because there were some one's we needed to throw away and and he told me which ones he wanted to keep and which ones he didn't want anymore.
The more important thing.. The most important thing, in fact, is that there is not a single living being alive on this earth. Myself included. That wants me to be sober more than he does. Like I wish I could bottle up how he looks so you guys can experience the shame I feel every time he sees that I'm high. I wanna sit here tell you that I don't know how he knows when I'm high, but the truth is that I know exactly how he knows: I'm a fucking pit of shame. I wouldn't say I'm a terrible person when I'm high but I would say that I'm a real "sorry sack of a human being" when I am. My friends who actively get high say I am relaxed when I'm high but really I would say there is moreso truth in that I feel shame in my inner spirit when I'm high.
I wonder if I'm a narcissist.
I wonder if normal people like who they are before they experience addiction.
I wonder if it matters that I never knew who I was before my addiction.
I think about if I were to commit suicide... I probably wouldn't tell anybody. Why would I? If I really had my mind made up that I was going to do such a big thing, I would say there wouldn't be a soul on the face of this planet that would be able to stop me. I don't really understand people who always threaten to kill themselves like... that's a huge fucking threat.
I say that but I threatened to kill myself one time at a hospital just so I could get some free healthcare.
Side note: threatening to kill yourself at a hospital isn't a good way to get free healthcare.
It fucked me up harder than just doing drugs and remaining high does.
How fucked up is that? We live in a system where if you ask for help, you get fucked up in some way that puts you worse than when you begin. I mean don't get me wrong not every way is like that but there certainly are a lot of ways like that.
I've had this conversation a couple times recently... If you go to rehab, you're pretty much giving up a job and housing you work for, you dedicate yourself to, to go get told that how you're living your life is worthless, because that's really what rehab is for... The people who really aren't good people. At least the rehabs that I've been to, idk maybe insurance rehabs are nicer. Maybe I'll get to go one day. Maybe.
I feel sad a lot. Sad because my life turned out like this. But this isn't a new feelings like I've felt this for like 7 years now. I've never liked who I was I don't think, but I kept doing things to gain others approval. I don't think I know what it's like to just be a person with my own approval.
I certainly don't approve of my addiciton. Sometimes I hear hints from the universe telling me that I should accept being an addict before I can move on but I really question the sanity of the universe because that seems like something nobody should have to accept about theirselves like nobody should have to die sad tragic and alone, but that's the way drug addicts die all the time, and I hate it. I don't know how to deal with the fact that my death will be sad and alone, probably at night in some hospital bed at an age that people will look at the person giving them news that I'm dying and say "aw... That's so sad. So young" like I wanted my mom to be there if I were to die early. I don't know why I feel like I should outlive my mom, maybe it's because I don't know how to win my own approval, idk, but I didn't want her to be the one to die first. I mean... I also don't wish losing a child in a parents lifetime... But it occurs to me that I really don't have what it takes to live in this world on my own.

And that's what's fucking me up today.






shelby 2/16/22 11:23pm
 
Robi said:
yeah its a good time not to pass away, i mean check you out, creative writer, open n honest, even funny, what a loss to this world,i bet yah should stick around, theres pleasure and so much to still experience, your pain is yours, but go sit in a childrens cancer ward get some perspective on sufferreally really hope you arefeeling better,even if youhurting, please hang tough with the rest of us
Beg Please GIF by Harlem
Click to expand...

slw0363 said:
Hey guys. So.. I'm feeling a lot of big feelings... Suprise.. right? So I guess I'll just write because I don't know why I feel these big feelings it's just like sitting inside of me like "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and you have as much of a clue as I do as to what "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" means lol
So there's something that has been brought to my attention, and that is that I am still alive. lol. Maybe I'll hire a GHOST WRITER for when I do die. AYOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Ok I joke because idk what to talk about. But no seriously.... there's something I want to make clear... I'm not suicidal.
Let me rephrase....
I do not currently and never have at any point in my life ever wanted to unalive myself.
Ok so remember what I just told you, because it will be really important.
I do think a lot about death, though.
I think about how sex with strangers isn't fun anymore.
I think about how I get so breathless that I can't even breathe not even from doing anything special, just walking up stairs.
I think about how much I've grown in the last couple years. I would never have been so honest even just 12 months ago.
I think about how I'm kinda good at enforcing boundaries once I know them.
I think about pressing my fingers in my leg and it kinda feels like marshmellows when you press hard enough, but it leaves an indention.
I think about all my bloodwork that keeps coming back normal even though I know what I feel. Or maybe I don't.
I think about my dad.
I think about my mom.
I think about my dreams where my mom is someone I don't even recognize.
I think about my dreams where she is dilapidated and blames everything bad that has happened to her on me.
I think about the growth I've done and how I may never be able to see my mom in the same way as when she abandoned me in her own house.
I think about death a lot.
I wonder what my death will be like. I wonder if I'll be young or I'll be old. At this pace I got just a few years left. The other day my doctor said I had tachycardia, but really I remember my heart rate always being over 100 bpm, even before drugs. I wonder how I'll die. I always felt like the worst way I could possibly die right now is by some obscure cancer where the DNA was changed by prolonged drug abuse, and either the doctors tell me I have very little time left, or even worse, they will refuse to treat me because they think I'm killing myself.
But at the day they get to go home. They get to go to their nice cars, or families who love them, or money in their bank account. And I'm just... here. I do have a dog that loves me. That does mean a lot. That dog in a lot of ways probably actually does keep me from being suicidal, but he will never know that.
I think about if there's ever a situation in which I know matter of factly me and my dog were in danger in a way that meant he was going to be tortured for the rest of his life, and so would I, I would probably find a way to kill him and then myself. Because that poor guy.. Don't get me wrong... I love him.. But he is spoiled as shit. If he had to spend the night outside, I'm thoroughly convinced he would just croak over. I love my dog though. I would give up a place indoors and I would lay myself comfortably on the ground earth just to know he was safe and loved and spoiled.
I think this is maybe why I couldn't be a parent at this given moment in my life, because I feel such a "I can't trust anybody to take care of my dog except for me" like I know his signals for an upset stomach and when he wants to watch cartoons and when he wants tucked in. I know he loves the air conditioner during the summer, and I know he loves sittng outside. I know when he hugs me, he hugs me with his tail. One time we went through his basket of toys because there were some one's we needed to throw away and and he told me which ones he wanted to keep and which ones he didn't want anymore.
The more important thing.. The most important thing, in fact, is that there is not a single living being alive on this earth. Myself included. That wants me to be sober more than he does. Like I wish I could bottle up how he looks so you guys can experience the shame I feel every time he sees that I'm high. I wanna sit here tell you that I don't know how he knows when I'm high, but the truth is that I know exactly how he knows: I'm a fucking pit of shame. I wouldn't say I'm a terrible person when I'm high but I would say that I'm a real "sorry sack of a human being" when I am. My friends who actively get high say I am relaxed when I'm high but really I would say there is moreso truth in that I feel shame in my inner spirit when I'm high.
I wonder if I'm a narcissist.
I wonder if normal people like who they are before they experience addiction.
I wonder if it matters that I never knew who I was before my addiction.
I think about if I were to commit suicide... I probably wouldn't tell anybody. Why would I? If I really had my mind made up that I was going to do such a big thing, I would say there wouldn't be a soul on the face of this planet that would be able to stop me. I don't really understand people who always threaten to kill themselves like... that's a huge fucking threat.
I say that but I threatened to kill myself one time at a hospital just so I could get some free healthcare.
Side note: threatening to kill yourself at a hospital isn't a good way to get free healthcare.
It fucked me up harder than just doing drugs and remaining high does.
How fucked up is that? We live in a system where if you ask for help, you get fucked up in some way that puts you worse than when you begin. I mean don't get me wrong not every way is like that but there certainly are a lot of ways like that.
I've had this conversation a couple times recently... If you go to rehab, you're pretty much giving up a job and housing you work for, you dedicate yourself to, to go get told that how you're living your life is worthless, because that's really what rehab is for... The people who really aren't good people. At least the rehabs that I've been to, idk maybe insurance rehabs are nicer. Maybe I'll get to go one day. Maybe.
I feel sad a lot. Sad because my life turned out like this. But this isn't a new feelings like I've felt this for like 7 years now. I've never liked who I was I don't think, but I kept doing things to gain others approval. I don't think I know what it's like to just be a person with my own approval.
I certainly don't approve of my addiciton. Sometimes I hear hints from the universe telling me that I should accept being an addict before I can move on but I really question the sanity of the universe because that seems like something nobody should have to accept about theirselves like nobody should have to die sad tragic and alone, but that's the way drug addicts die all the time, and I hate it. I don't know how to deal with the fact that my death will be sad and alone, probably at night in some hospital bed at an age that people will look at the person giving them news that I'm dying and say "aw... That's so sad. So young" like I wanted my mom to be there if I were to die early. I don't know why I feel like I should outlive my mom, maybe it's because I don't know how to win my own approval, idk, but I didn't want her to be the one to die first. I mean... I also don't wish losing a child in a parents lifetime... But it occurs to me that I really don't have what it takes to live in this world on my own.

And that's what's fucking me up today.






shelby 2/16/22 11:23pm
Click to expand...
just love reading on youuuuuuuuuu, so pleased you didnt unalive self, imma use that, and i so much like the way YOU think, keep on posting, id really appreciate it, lost my mom at 58 and i was 40,she was a bright light in this world, not just saying that Ms. Byrd practically own a small villiage,she was so loved, she looked and aked like carol burnette.you best out live her,you never know what the day will bring....a few of you roll around in my brain thro the day and you were one of them, you keep ur fukkn head up,but not in a torrential down poor ok? pleased so very pleased ur doin better, even if a lil, im in early 50`s but ive seen chit that make ur toes curl, and selfishily i dont want to see you gone, we might be strangers but every single one of us are a community member , and for some theres def a sense of family of friends, and know im yours now~tassels your hair!! mind yah self yah hear!!
 
Robi said:
just love reading on youuuuuuuuuu, so pleased you didnt unalive self, imma use that, and i so much like the way YOU think, keep on posting, id really appreciate it, lost my mom at 58 and i was 40,she was a bright light in this world, not just saying that Ms. Byrd practically own a small villiage,she was so loved, she looked and aked like carol burnette.you best out live her,you never know what the day will bring....a few of you roll around in my brain thro the day and you were one of them, you keep ur fukkn head up,but not in a torrential down poor ok? pleased so very pleased ur doin better, even if a lil, im in early 50`s but ive seen chit that make ur toes curl, and selfishily i dont want to see you gone, we might be strangers but every single one of us are a community member , and for some theres def a sense of family of friends, and know im yours now~tassels your hair!! mind yah self yah hear!!
Click to expand...
I don't know who you are but I came here because I was feeling down on myself (I don't even have drugs this time) and you so lifted my spirits. I love you too, stranger. Thank you❤️
Alright I'm going to sleep I gotta be up in 3 hours for a 12 hour shift 😭
Shelby 2/17/22 2:29am
 
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