Well....good ol' negrogesic fucked up a bit yesterday and I'm afraid its going to throw a wrench in the taper, at least in the short term.
So I had an important meeting yesterday for work where I thought I was going to get some bad news (ie bad news for me, professionally speaking). So I decided to take a mere 1mg of etizolam before the meeting just to level me out abit. Now, I haven't taken any benzos for over a month and as much as I enjoy the effect, I cannot take benzos with any frequency given two massive dose benzo addictions that I quit years ago, which fucked up with my GABA system so much that a nowadays if I take a single moderate sized dose of benzos (like 2-3mg of etizolam). I'll experience rebound and anxiety that lasts almost exactly 5 days. This rebound occurs in two stages: next day moderate anxiety and a weird dissociation, followed by heavier dissociation and anxiety on day 2, same in day 3 but with insomnia, then day 4 and 5 the anxiety gets a bit better, yet day 4 and and especially day 5 feature very severe insomnia and night time anxiety. Then it often goes away by day 6. This is all occurs with just a single dose of 2-3mg etizolam. A large single dose of etizolam, like 4-5mg, produce a more severe version of this, but the insomnia is much worse, with more panic. 8-10+mg will make so dissociated the next day that I pretty stop talking all together, almost catatonic.
So back to yesterday. Since it had been over a month since I had taken a benzo, I thought 1mg of etizolam wouldn't cause much of a rebound. I did wrestle with the idea though, worried it would fuck up my taper. But still i took the 1mg (i have a solution of it) and drove to my meeting. In the car though, I felt still a little on edge, so I decided, maybe I should take a little more. Although to be honest I wasnt really on edge, the 1mg worked, I just didn't have that benzo suit of armor feeling and that classic benzo swagger (which only occurs at higher doses). I was also munching on dexedrine in the car which is probably why the 1mg felt so weak.
So in my wallet I always keep a little bad of pure etizolam for emergency purposes, which of course it is impossible to eye ball. The bag is almost empty with most of the powder stuck to the bottom, so i just stick my finger and wipe the sides and lick it, maybe giving me another 1mg (the parts I wiped only had residue etizolam dust, the real powder clumps were on the bottom).
I go to the meeting and it still seemed to be working fine, although pretty mild.
Yet in the meeting none of the things that I worried would happen ended up happening.
This is where it gets weird though.
After the meeting I go to my car I then thought, "you know, you rarely take benzos, if you are going to have pay the price of benzo rebound even from this dose, you might as take an enjoyable dose". And it was true, I had none of that nice benzo disinhibition, ie. no desire to start text messages people who I haven't spoken to in years, no embarrassing posting on social media, no sliding into random girls DM's saying inappropriate things, no desire to post seminude pictures of myself bluelight, etc etc. Though i must have already been disinhibited since before I left my office, I decided to take a giant computer monitor with me, which I have no use for. I didn't steal it since i'll bring it back, but I'm not supposed to do stuff like that without checking out the equipment.
When i got to mg car i remembered I had two mini eye drop bottles in my brief case that contain solutions of etizolam and bromazolam. So i grabbed the etizolam solution. On the bottle i had once mysteriously writen "E8" on it which i think meant 8mg of etizolam was in the entire bottle (it was a tiny travel size eye drop bottle). Half was empy so i drank the other half, ostensibly containing 4mg of etizolam.
It hits fast, and then decided hey i should go buy some kratom (im trying to avoid kratom like the plague since i quit it recently and am finally over the withdrawal). I go into the headshop and by this time im now in a pretty good benzo swagger, there is a relatively attractive girl working there and i flirt her in a subtle but powerful way, much to the veiled (but clearly apparent) dismay of the two geeky guys worker there who im sure have the hots for her. Yet fortunately i exercise some wisdom, keeping in mind i just quit kratom and don't buy too much kratom, just some extract. (I took the kratom extract later and felt absolutely nothing, since I can barely feel weak opioids on benzos).
I then decide to go buy weed from a dispensary. Around this time im feeling the benzo stronger, and I go in and im slurring my speech a little. Either that finger wipe in the bag of powder was more than I thought or that etizolam liquid from the bottle has more than I bargained for. The total dose so far may have actually been closer to 10mg. I sort of fumble my order at the weed place, slurring occasionally. I leave.
Now I'll skip what happened in between (i did a bunch of random things, and even went to the gun store and purchased an old 1930s WWII Mauser k98 rifle), but most importantly some hours later I acquired a bottle of 30mg of temazepam. When i finally got home I started popping them all evening and night. Easily took a dozen over the night. Those who know temazepam, it is extremely sedating, but I tend to fight it (and all benzos) and stay awake. But temazepam is unusually and extremely disorienting, very trippy at high doses, and i took some stimulants too to help me stay awake. Thus I was up till 5am in this bizarre temazepam waking dream state making all kinds of bizarre messes in the kitchen etc.
All of that from just an initial 1mg of etizolam. That 1 fucking milligram of etizolam caused enough disinhibition that I ended up take 10mg of etizolam and 300mg+ of temazepam.
I feel fine now since the temazepam is long acting and still in my system, but its only a matter of time until the benzo rebound hits. It's going to hit hard too, since that was alot of benzos.
Point being this is gonna fuck up my taper for a bit. Man fuck benzos.
To be frank I knew I was going to take benzos in preparation of the meeting and alluded to it earlier in this statement i had made:
3,925mg last night, i think in a week from now gonna try some bigger drops
. Have too much going on this week to not sleep.
The truth in what I saying here was actually this: "Im going to have to take a benzo this week and will need a week to recover, then im going to try some bigger drops".
I really only planned on taking 1mg though. I woke up this morning and realized, "fuck, nice work asshole
". Wish me luck, the next 5 days are going suck.
(they can't do that, although I suppose they could).
It seems these type drugs the gaba ones are a tough beast and longer lasting than an opiate habit that balances back quicker.