Yay another recovery diary

Okay so what are my intentions with my father...

Well... This is quite harder than my own intentions...

I intend to build a relationship with my father.

I WANT him to be a parent I can lean on I hate to say it but a little bit financially but also just someone I can talk to.

He won't get the gay thing but he doesn't have to.

I intend on catching him up with everything that has happened in my life.

I intend on going fishing with him.

I DON'T intend on leaning on him for financial stability.

I DON'T intend on him all of a sudden being the dad I've always needed.

I DON'T intend on him to just openly accept who I am.

I intend on accepting myself first, so if he doesn't that's OK.

I intend on telling him my current situation with going to rehab BUT I DON'T intend on telling him for awhile. That seems like a really scary thing to tell a parent after not seeing them for many many years.

I intend on visiting his place in Arkansas.

I intend on having some type of relationship with my step brother and step mom.

I intend on telling them everything that happened with my mom with the intent of getting their perspective of how I should move forward with that.

I intend on SHOWING them how well I can do in sobriety

I intend on this being the lowest point they'll ever see me at in my whole life.... In THEIR whole life.

I intend to act in courageous ways so that even though if my dad doesn't like that I'm gay he can still see that I'm fighting and I would like to have a relationship with him.

I intend on not changing who I am to make anybody comfortable.

I intend on doing well in my recovery.

My whole body feels.... Idk...

Numb.? In a good way?!

Like... I feel so present in the moment.

I'm gonna take a minute... And just..... Be.

Shelby 8/2/21 7:21pm
 
Ok.... So I'm gonna write. And idk really why or what my point is but I hate that like sometimes I'll get carried away in the excitement of something that I'll lose myself in the moment and do something really stupid.

Like I can't necessarily say that it was an exciting moment but my addictions counselor friend has really been encouraging me to write which is cool like I'm thankful I have her she understands me from a clinical perspective.

Well it's frusterating for me because I'm like the person in people's lives (at least as far as I know like maybe not maybe I'm just so skewed in my life that I thought my whole life that I was the "fixer" and it turns out I was just hurting everybody in the end idk) that fixes things like all their problems and such and so it's really difficult for me and my addictions counselor friend because first off I want to be there to fix some of her problems even though I have no idea how to. Most of the time I listen and she says she wants that and that's cool so I try to listen.

But is it reciprocated? No. She does such a good job about telling me how I should deal with my problems. And it sucks because this relationship isn't necessarily toxic persay but basically I'm soliciting her for clinical advice but she's only my friend. Basically I've trained her to give me clinical advice as a friend and that's extremely unethical and not only that but sometimes I feel like I'm her lesser like I can't give her advice because she is playing the role of the counselor but she still tells me about situations in her life in which I could give her advice but it's rejected because she only needs people to listen but that's a fuckin struggle for me because I'm not the listener I'm the fixer.

Ugh. I'm tired.

I messaged my dad. My addictions counselor friend helped me type it. He messaged me back. I'll post them here tomorrow.

I'm grateful I'm getting this chance to start a relationship with my real life dad.... I've never had that before.

One last thing there have been times in the last couple days where like... My internal monologue has just.... Shut off.

Like... It's so peaceful. I didn't know this is what people just.... Felt like..... Like normal ass people just out here freeballin life and just have energy during the day and can just sleep at night?!

I was today years old when I found that out haha

Shelby 8/2/21 10:42pm
 
Good morning everybody.
So... I think it's time to quit smoking cigarettes. I mean I don't only say that because I'm broke and am out of cigarettes and rollies but because the rehab I want to go to doesn't allow cigarettes either.

Speaking of rehab I'm just pretty much putting all my eggs in the "not getting a job and going to rehab then focusing on getting a job" basket. Not that I don't want a job or money I do I just rehab more like I'm really feeling like I'm at a point where I can listen. And I'm not going in with this set of expectations that I'm gonna be clean the rest of my life or that it's gonna make or break my recovery like the last time I went to rehab, but I'm just going to learn about myself this time and to come out of it a better human.

I would like to eventually get into peer support to be honest and then get back into college and then go into addictions counseling with a music therapy minor I've come to realize yesterday. Like I really truly feel my heart yearning for that like I really almost wouldn't have my life any other way to be honest.

I don't think that should mean that I give up hobbies like learning to program or painting or the like... But I think I should begin to anticipate following this as I really feel this is my true calling.

I guess just like "intentions" though I'm sure goals can change but until I feel the need I'm feeling like this is what my goal should be and I should wake up every morning with courage and pursue this goal.

Im not saying I have my whole life figured out hell I don't even know what I'm gonna eat for lunch but like really if I deeply ask my intuition about what I want it's saying it wants to do addiction counseling and music therapy like my heart feels happy with that label on it's life.

Also while I'm here... Let's set some intentions for today... Today I INTEND to be sober. Today I INTEND to be kind. Today I INTEND to think positively, even when negative things are going on. Today I INTEND acting in courageous ways.

Shelby 8/3/21
11:27am
 
I'm in the hospital with "my best friends" girlfriend again. She sprained her ankle. This time they bought me cigarettes and pop though so it's more fine plus I wasn't really doing anything anyways.
I did have an interview with some people at 2:30 but I don't think I'm gonna go because I'm banking on rehab just the thing is is that I need the action to like when it comes to being available for rehab I need to take action to go otherwise I'll just be sitting and doing nothing with my life which of course that's what I WISH I could do but then it just leads to depression and getting high.

So I left a voicemail for the rehab here and I'm going to continue to leave voicemails because I'd rather be annoying because I need help like I'm proving that I want the help not just to them but to myself as well and this is certainly a way I can show myself love as well.

Shelby 8/3/21 12:39pm
 
Shelby that is really awesome you're wanting to quit cigarettes!! Look at you go! Do you think you'll be able to do it easily? Have you tried to quit before?
 
n3ophy7e said:
Shelby that is really awesome you're wanting to quit cigarettes!! Look at you go! Do you think you'll be able to do it easily? Have you tried to quit before?
Click to expand...
Well I won't say that I've tried to quit persay but I will say that there's been times I've only vaped instead of smoking cigarettes and I always fell back into smoking cigarettes.

The other thing I will say is the rehab here that I want to go to is a non smoking rehab like they'll give you patches but I'm going to try my best to ween myself off of nicotene when I'm there like that's literally one of a couple goals I have for me when I go to rehab is quitting smoking.

Plus with the wellbutrin I'm on they say it's good for quitting smoking so imma give it a shot and I'm going to TRY to give myself a head start in the next few days here to quit smoking while I have the chance so I'm not all of a sudden in rehab and just can't smoke anymore.

I'm going to write my nightly post next. That'll be incoming in the next few minutes ♥️

Shelby 8/3/21 11:17pm
 
slw0363 said:
Well I won't say that I've tried to quit persay but I will say that there's been times I've only vaped instead of smoking cigarettes and I always fell back into smoking cigarettes.

The other thing I will say is the rehab here that I want to go to is a non smoking rehab like they'll give you patches but I'm going to try my best to ween myself off of nicotene when I'm there like that's literally one of a couple goals I have for me when I go to rehab is quitting smoking.

Plus with the wellbutrin I'm on they say it's good for quitting smoking so imma give it a shot and I'm going to TRY to give myself a head start in the next few days here to quit smoking while I have the chance so I'm not all of a sudden in rehab and just can't smoke anymore.

I'm going to write my nightly post next. That'll be incoming in the next few minutes ♥️

Shelby 8/3/21 11:17pm
Click to expand...
That's so awesome man, well done :)
Yes, in fact here in Australia wellbutrin is prescribed specifically for quitting smoking! How long have you been on wellbutrin?
 
Okay... So... Today was a good day. Like I'm really feeling this recovery thing ALTHOUGH I had a hard urge to use today when I went to the first NA meeting I've been to in months.

Like I totally felt my body consumed all at once with this "I'm gonna fucking use again" feeling.
Like I'm writing about this to make it dissappear. I know there's so many parts to this recovery thing (I was talking to my addictions counselor friend about this today) besides for just writing but it seems like when I talk about it, some of the edge of how scary the things are dissapears. Like instead of it consuming me I see it in writing and it doesn't seem so bad like for example seeing it written down that I was consumed by the want to use makes total sense to me. I mean in the moment it was extremely undescribable but seeing it down on paper I can kind of forgive myself like I'm a recovering addict, of course I'm going to have those feelings sometimes but THANK GOD I didn't go use like present me is so thankful for past me that had my ass in a meeting instead of out smoking dope.

But like... Here's the thing I wanna get better at right like I wanna get better at remember that the pain of withdrawal is temporary, right? Like I want it to be so that way as soon as I have a withdrawal I can IMMEDIATELY remember that 1: I will eventually come back out of the withdrawal and 2: to be as present as I can be in that moment (if that's focusing on something outside of my body or if that's feeling my palms of my hands and the soles of my feet)

Today, in the meeting, I remembered neither of those things before nor during the withdrawal experience.

See I think maybe I'm taking this whole "emotional relapse" thing too far like maybe I'm assuming a withdrawal is an emotional relapse. Like I really think the idea of an emotional relapse is maybe a little bit toxic becuase this whole time I've been trying to measure how bad my withdrawals were and was assuming that when my withdrawals were bad enough that I had emotionally relapsed but I don't really think that's the case because here I am like I've not relapsed I have no plans on getting drugs or getting high I literally want so fucking badly to NOT get drugs or get high that I'm talking about it right now, the only real way that I know how to get it out of my system.

So what is going to be the trick for me to learn as soon as I start feeling withdrawal to immediately go into the absolute acceptance thing where I realize the pain is temporary and I'll get over it?

Idk... Tell me if you have any suggestions please.

I'm assuming this might be the key to my more immediate sobriety is this but I also have a feeling it's a learned thing too and as long as I stay abstinent the closer I'll be to learning it.

Thats fucked up haha.

Okay there's a couple more things I want to talk about and then I think I'll be ready for bed.

Firstly... I'm so proud of myself for going to another meeting. I felt a lot of shame in going to my first real homegroup again after I've been there and not so often but because my "best friend" didn't feel like getting out of bed today to drop me back off at my apartment after taking her girlfriend to the hospital today, I thought I might as well take the opportunity to better my recovery even though the smallest sliver of me wanted to hit up the ole dope house with it instead.

Again, present me is thankful to past me for getting my ass to a meeting instead..

Anyways... This group is the "hardcore group" and anybody who lives in a city with multiple meeting groups probably knows what I'm talking about haha.

I felt like I learned some good things.

Firstly... I learned that I'm willing to let some old shit go instead of die about it.

Like straight up I don't even know there's a single thing I believe in hard enough to die over it like give me ANY topic and there's a sliver of a chance I'm gonna doubt it and if there was a gun to my head I might be willing to say out loud that I doubt it.

So like... Why am I killing myself over old past life bullshit like why am I not giving more shit the benefit of the doubt that I might be wrong and dropping it over trying to keep it in my heart?

Nothing is worth dying over.

Secondly... What else did I learn...
Oh yes. I learned that I feel a lot of shame at meetings and it's okay to say that. I feel shame in speaking I feel shame in showing up I feel shame in being friends I feel shame a lot of shame actually and the only way I'm gonna get over that is by talking about it.

Okay last topic I'm starting to get tired


But let me say. I am outside with my dog right now and it feels so fucking good outside like it's not hot or muggy like it feels amazing I could sit out here and type forever... Or at least until it got hot tomorrow haha.

Okay last topic... I've started talking to my dad again... Like I added him on Facebook and he added me and he's really excited to get to know me and I honestly truly am excited to get to know him too. I mean don't get me wrong there's so much I have to fill him in on:

-being gay
-having hiv
-being a drug addict
-still pretty much in addiction and going to rehab soon
-I don't talk to mom anymore

Like he's an old farmer from Arkansas none of those are gonna be easy to swallow pills for him.

But were gonna take it... Just one day at a time.

Today I'm grateful for my addiction counselor friend who is helping me navigate my relationship with my dad thus far. I'm so scared I'm gonna say too much or not the right things you know...

But it'll be OK I hope.

Goodnight y'all.
Shelby 8/3/21 11:48pm
 
n3ophy7e said:
That's so awesome man, well done :)
Yes, in fact here in Australia wellbutrin is prescribed specifically for quitting smoking! How long have you been on wellbutrin?
Click to expand...
July 27th was my first day taking it which it hasn't been six weeks so I'm sure I'm not feeling the FULL effects yet but let me tell you it sure does make me have extra energy and I'm so fucking thankful for that so maybe it will help with other things too.
 
Y'all okay one more post it'll be real quick.

A month ago today I was higher than shit and I couldn't stop picking my face. My whole face was covered in blood and I couldn't pry myself away from picking but for just one second I remembered to try something different. Try something multiple people over the span of many years suggested I do: write about it.

So I did. A month ago today I started writing and I've not regretted it once.

Thank you moderators thank you people who read or skim my post you don't know it but you've changed my life more in one month than I've managed to change it alone in all of my addiction.

Truly... And from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you.

Shelby 8/4/21 12:10am
 
slw0363 said:
July 27th was my first day taking it which it hasn't been six weeks so I'm sure I'm not feeling the FULL effects yet but let me tell you it sure does make me have extra energy and I'm so fucking thankful for that so maybe it will help with other things too.
Click to expand...
That's great dude! I was on it for depression for a short while about 12 years ago, and I recall it did work pretty quickly. Cigarettes should start to taste pretty awful to you soon as well. It should help you quit quite a lot.

And that is AWESOME you're speaking with your dad again!!!! So great to hear <3 Do you feel okay about coming out to him? PM me if you wanna chat about that. I'm bi and was engaged to a woman, so I was forced to come out to my super conservative family.
 
Okay I'm going to write... So today a month ago (as per my last post) I was higher than shit.

I guess it seems fair that I drove by (with my "best friends" car) the dude I was hanging out with a month ago today.

I drove by. And I'm not like... Okay yes I'm triggered a little bit like I fucking hate it mostly it plays into this whole other part of me that I feel bad for homeless people?

Why do I feel bad for homeless people? Because being homeless sucks and I don't know how I knew that from a very young age, but I just did and I've always felt bad for homeless people. Like don't get me wrong I'm not out just giving homeless people money, because I don't have money for myself.

But (especially recently because I've actually experienced a little bit of homelessness) every time I go by homeless person I pray for them I want them to have a home and a family that loves and supports them no matter and I want them to have secured living like I pray and direct all my good energy towards them in hopes that things will get better for them.

Its weird in writing this out though I don't ever pray for myself like... That's weird to me I guess like if I should pray for anybody to have a family and a home it should be me right like I'm almost homeless (if it wasn't getting special help because I have HIV I definitely WOULD be homeless right now) I don't talk to MY family anymore.

Maybe when I am praying for the homeless I'm actually praying for me without realizing it.

I'm not sure.

Anyways, going back to the original topic that dude I was tweaking with a month ago I think he recognized me driving by and you know how tweakers are they always gotta start shit and he knows I'm trying to quit dope so I have a sinking suspicion that he's gonna show up here sooner rather than later.

I've already unfriended him from Facebook I hope he saw that and got the idea but like I said you know how tweakers are.

Ugh..

Anyways... I'm officially out of cigs so I'm going to go as long as I can without getting another cigarette. Even if it's a few hours I'll take it.

Oh... Another thing about the dude I was tweaking with a month ago... After I saw him I went into an urge to use. Like I was like "man... I could ACTUALLY get high right now and have no repercussions like I have no job nowhere to be I want to get high because I there will be no consequences" like it sent me into a heavy craving but I'm so proud of myself because I remembered just after a couple seconds "hey... This pain is temporary and here in a few seconds I'm gonna be glad I didn't get high"

I'm so happy I didn't let the urge just wash me over like a sea of bricks. I'm grateful and happy about it. I didn't emotionally relapse and I don't have to go out and actually relapse because I had an urge. I'm grateful I don't have to use because I have an urge.

Im fucking grateful for that.

Ok last topic and then I'll shut up for now.

Ive been talking to my dad right like if you've been reading my post you'd know but I found out he's a teacher. Which is cool as fuck accept I don't know anything he teaches about (agrulture) and I'm scared of what to say like I don't want to say too much or too little and because I'm in that delimma a lot I don't say anything at all for long periods of time and I'm sure that takes more of a toll than either saying to much or too little would and that right there is my answer

Just say SOMETHING.

I just realized my dad wanted to talk to me for a long time.

So I'm gonna talk.

Holy shit... This is why I write.

Okay I'm gonna message my dad now. I'll talk to you guys later.

Shelby 8/4/21 2:49pm
 
Hey good morning everybody.
I'm sitting outside smoking the butt of a cigarette... Ughh.. At least it's not a pipe amiright lol no but seriously...

Okay so... I feel like there's a lot I need to get off my chest but I'm not sure what or for what reason and that's OK like I'm just gonna write until I do get it off my chest.

So... First off... The samhsa website is a fucking slap in the face like it almost literally pops up for every single goddamn Google search for me these days like I could be Googling shit like "baby kittens" and at this point Google is like "HERE IS THE WEBSITE FOR HELP WE REMEMBERED WHAT YOU GOOGLED. GET FUCKIN HELP"

But then you do a search of what help is available and it brings up shit like

1: the rehab you keep calling but can't get into
2: a women's rehab
3: a rehab that someone somewhere just fuckin made up and we'll assign it a random ass number that has nothing to do with that rehab
4: an 18 and younger boys rehab
5: a rehab that only accepts top teir insurance

Like looking at the list you think "omg 5 goddamn rehabs how cool is that" but then you start working through the list and realize that the slogan that made you click on the link "There's help for you" IS A FUCKIN LIE

What a backhanded slap to people who are sick and dying everywhere just straight up there's help if you have money or if you have insurance but even me who has hiv there's no goddamn help for me like maybe going to the doctor so I can be the puppet of every science experiment, but no they're not gonna send me to rehab.

I get swept away in the "suck of life" or "the big ole suck" and me and my addict counselor friend like to call it. It's hard not to see someone in their own "suck" and not get swept up in their "suck" as well (okay at this point it sounds like I'm starting to write some weird fan fiction haha) but samhsa is definitely a suck of life and it's often that we have to be reminded not to get sucked up in the suck of each other's lives because that's what we are we are the healers we don't know how to fix our own problems but at the end of the day it's only us that IS responsible for fixing our own problems.

So I guess I'm gonna call back the rehab that won't turn my calls right now... I'm gonna leave a voicemail again but yesterday I got an admissions counselor who's voicemail was full... I'll let you guys know how it goes later.

Shelby 8/5/21 10:20am
 
Guys guess what?!
The rehab that wouldn't return my calls finally called me back!!!!!!!!!!
They had to redo my intake but someone is supposed to call me by the end of the day today to schedule me for inpatient. I'm so excited!!

If nobody calls me back (because that's just how my luck goes) I'm going to call them tomorrow and everyday after and leave a voicemail each day until they get me to the next step again.

I'm so ready like idk if I'm gonna use again I mean I fucking hope not but I do know I'm at a better place of listening as compared to the last time I went to rehab. Plus the last time I went to rehab I so had the mentality that if I use the whole world would be over and now I know that when I have the whole world on a string like that then I will use so I can have that control of dissapointment.

In other news... The more I get more like spiritual and shit the more I like... Am kind... Like I fucking hate flies ok like the city I live in just seems to be fucking terrible with flies like I fucking think they're gross and they're annoying and then they lay maggot eggs but I went to the store with my "best friend" who actually very kindly gave me $50 which was so needed. I went to the dollar tree and ugh yes I got more cigarettes and rolling tobacco.... I know this is gonna hit me like a ton of bricks not being able to smoke when I go to rehab but I'm just gonns power through it because it's what I have to do and then hopefully by the end I will be able to not smoke anymore or I'll be able to put it down you know?

Although I do hear that smoking is like a lifelong withdrawal thing but I'm just going to have to remember that the pain of wanting a cigarette is nothing compared to the pain continuing to smoke cigarettes will cause me.

Ugh...

Anyways... Back to the fly thing I had set my iced coffee down because she was ready to go to the store and there was still a little bit of iced coffee in there so anyways when I got back I saw a fly floating in it like it wasn't dead but it was going to die anyways old me would have poured it down the sink and killed it but instead I poured the glass of what iced coffee was left gently in the grass...

I almost left it for dead but I didn't. And I hope to act with that much kindness for the rest of my life.

Shelby 8/5/21 1:13pm
 
Okay wait something is really fucking me up right now and idk why so this was like in 3rd grade or 2nd grade I think.

Anyways we had like show and tell at the end of the day right and one time I found a rock on the side of the road.

This is like... A thought that I've not thought about in a long time but like we lived in city limits in a town that was like... 1200 people... Anyways.. There was a back way dirt road that connected the house we lived in with the grocery store and I remember my brother and I asking mom if we could walk the dirt road while she followed us in the car just because we wanted to walk the dirt road that was literally it so mom would let us walk the dirt road and she followed going like 3mph.

Anyways one time I found a cool coal looking rock and I brought it to show and tell in 2nd grade and told everybody it was either a rock from Mars (take in mind how was a 2nd grader gonna get a rock from Mars) or a rock from a Hawaiian volcano because my uncle was a nasa engineer. What the fuck I made all of that up on the spot.

Idk why I did I guess I just wanted to impress the other kids? Idk?

I can't believe my ass literally stood in front of the whole class teacher and everything and told them all I had a rock from Mars or Hawaii and my uncle was a nasa engineer.

Ugh. What was I trying to prove in 2nd fucking grade.

Shelby 8/5/21 1:24pm
 
I think it's great that the rehab got back with you. Don't worry about not being able to smoke. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that you won't be able to. I know you want to quit. And nicotine isn't a lifelong withdraw. 7 to 10 days and the physical part is all gone. BUT, the mental part will linger for awhile. Smoking is more of a bad habit than an addiction. And most behavioral people will tell you that a habit can be broken in 30 days . So don't worry too much that you won't be able to smoke.

Since rehab has gotten back to you, please start making preparations in your mind right now. You will have to make sure your household is secure and the monthly utilities are current. I know you have a dog. Make sure someone can take it on a moments notice. I would hate for rehab to call and tell you to come and then you couldn't because you had no one to keep your dog. Plan it all ahead of time in your mind so that when the call comes you can jump into action. You don't want to have to turn down the rehab because of details that you didn't think of. And if you had to say no...that you couldn't work something out....they might not give you a second chance and just keep moving on down the list.

Good luck and everyone here is rooting for you.
 
Okay so here it is 5:47 I'm sitting on the toilet and I'm assuming nobody is getting back with me today about scheduling...

Tomorrow... I will call 3 phone numbers. The first number I'm going to call is going to be the actual rehab itself the second number is going to be the cell of the person who did my screening the third is going to be the person who did my intake. And I'm gonna call all 3 of those numbers each once a day.

I'm not dissapointed I know this is covid round two so they're doing what they gotta do and I know with the first round of covid I got totally swept up in the system of multiple places multiple times... I'm trying to take a breather and realize it's not my fault nor theirs and shit happens.

Hell... I would forget about people all the time at my last job, that's because management just expected that we would pull extra time for those who needed extra help with their phones out of our ass and I'm pretty good about pulling things out of my ass but not that! That's for damn sure. So I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt here and chalk it up to them having a busy day and getting used to working from home again.

In other news. My dad is hellbent on phone calling me. He says he's just old school like that. Well I have bad news I'm NOT old school like that like I would just seriously text or message everybody I ever knew for the rest of my life and just be cool with that, but no he wants to be on the phone, so I asked him today if we could instead video chat (because for some reason that's better for me than just phone calling like he's gonna see my apartment and that I have like no furniture like I got a sofa and that's it no bed no nothing... What is he gonna think? Omg...) and he said he was cool with that so here in about an hour I'm going to video chat with him and I hope and pray it goes well I'm sure he's gonna start to figure things out sooner rather than later but I mean oh well.. If he can't accept it then it's fine it's not like I have had my dad this whole time what would be different now?

Anyways...

I just got done watching the bo burnam dude the "inside" on Netflix. I thought it was pretty good but that dude is in the small room for sure.

Let me talk about the small room...

So I heard this in a YouTube video once and I can't for the life of me remember where I heard it but the small room refers to a very specific kind of mentality or existence or thought I'm not sure... But the small room refers to the people that realize that there is no point to any of this, but you can't die about it... Like if you even for a second tell someone you feel like killing yourself you will literally get put In an isolated room where you will have to piss in a jug and get treated like shit. All because you asked for help. There's no point in any of this. It's all just... Fuckin made up and then guess what. We die. And after that is equal to the nothingness that you experienced before you were born and the only people that can't live with that will make sure to tell you that you're going to hell if you don't believe in what they believe in and not only all of that but we're so miniscule and we do so much destruction and there's so many places of power and old money that we just all somehow agree upon but those places of power and old money are literally killing us and don't give a fuck and there's literally nobody willing to do what it takes to overthrow that.

Thats what being in the small room is like and it's fucking terrible. And the only "gift" you get by being in the small room is knowing when other people are in the small room too and that dude is definitely in the small room.

There's not that many people who live in the small room but for those of us that do we know it's far too many people for such a cramped space but there's nothing we can do about it, just like the rest of life's "suck" this is it and this is all we have, so we might as well fuckin sing and make some art about it because those two things get our mind off the literal fucking nightmare that life is for just TWO goddamn seconds.

It's not a fun place to be in the small room and it's a place you'll never leave once you enter. But it's a place and I guess that's all we want is to be surrounded by people who are like us and that dude is like me and that dude is like my favorite band twenty one pilots and twenty one pilots is like me.

Remember the moment you know exactly where you're going
'Cause the next moment, before you know it
Time is slowing and it's frozen still
And the window sill looks really nice, right?
You think twice about your life, it probably happens at night, right?
Fight it, take the pain, ignite it
Tie a noose around your mind, loose enough to breathe fine and tie it
To a tree, tell it, "You belong to me
This ain't a noose, this is a leash
And I have news for you, you must obey me

That shit keeps me going daily.

That... And a little bit of hope.

Shelby 8/5/21 6:14pm
 
Is yours friend gonna take your dog when you go to rehab ?
And yeah I hate talking on the phone as well 😆
Good luck hope they call you and get it all set up soon !
 
Well I'm not sure. I'm sitting here right now at the animal ER because my best friends youngest dog has parvo (they believe). I'm scared as fuck guys I'm going to have my neighbor hold back my dog while I go and shower and bathe in a little Bleach when I get home. I'm scared guys
Shelby 10:19pm 8/5/21
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top