Brief Background
I'm27 years old and chronic pain (physical) and a childhood of emotional pain led me down the path of drug use at an early age (13).
Substance(s)
Alcohol at 13 because I knew it would make me feel different and I didn't want to be at home sober, 14 codeine because I have scoliosis. Then it just evolved somewhat naturally from there. Weed at 15, endone at 16, a lot of DXM at 17, speed at 17. Took a bit of a break then went back to codeine (I metabolise codeine to morphine clearly very well). Heroin and meth at 21, poppy seed tea at 21 as well.
Duration of Addiction/Dependence
Between 16-17 I was pretty heavily addicted to weed and cough syrup.
Between 21-23 I was very heavily addicted to meth and heroin and codeine.
At the moment I'm using meth more often that I'd like so this is proper relapse territory. I was clean from meth for 18 months prior to last month, and on Opiate Replacement Therapy (which I've been on 5 times so far).
Adverse Effects
Somehow when I was mixing shitloads of xanax, heroin and alcohol together I somehow didn't die. I'm still shocked to this day.
I've overamped on meth more times than I'd like to admit, sometimes after using for too many days straight, other times from getting strong gear from a new source and not doing a test shot. I've come very close to overdosing on poppy seed tea (that shit can be real dangerous) and actually narcaned myself because I was so afraid of falling asleep and dying. Crazy experience.
Warnings and Advice
Don't ever let anyone shoot you up, even if they say they're doing it for 'harm reduction' so that you won't fuck it up yourself. It was the biggest mistake I ever made saying yes to the person who asked me if I wanted to try it. If I could pinpoint the moment my life changed courses and addiction became something I'd fight for the rest of my life, that was the moment. At the beginning I couldn't do it alone so I had to wait until they were available to meet up with which meant it took about a year for it to take control of my life, but as soon as I was able to shoot myself up it really was game over. I'd 'managed' a 10 year long drug addiction pretty okay until then, but I was in outpatient rehab within 6 months of learning to shoot myself. And it literally just happened overnight - one day I couldn't hit a vein to save my life and I'd just have to drink the solution, the next day I managed to hit myself every time I tried. The needle fixation is what brings me back every single time, I just can't get it out of my head. It's seriously not worth it people. Every time I shoot up I'm paranoid for days after that I've fucked my arms up and I'm gonna get some kind of infection or abscess and have to go to the hospital, but I still fucking do it because the ritual is so addictive to me. I think part of it is being autistic - I love setting everything up and the process of using. I've even shot up saline before just to satisfy the urge in my brain. When you get to that point you really know you have an issue, but for some reason I still can't put it down, 7 years later. If I could change one thing I would be saying no that night to that person. Everyone thinks they can handle it, everyone thinks they'll just do it once, but it just grabs you like nothing else. Everything about it stays in my head for months to years after I haven't touched it - I dream about it frequently and wake up craving like mad. The smell of alcohol swabs triggers me like crazy. Every time I go into a blood test I have to psych myself out of going to score afterwards because of the trigger. I don't know what it is about me that made me so addicted to doing it this way, but I will literally sit in a chair sticking myself for two hours trying to find a hit before the fit is clogged with blood and I have to just try and shove it up my ass and see if that works. And that's when you know you've hit rock bottom - when you're sticking a syringe full of meth and your blood up your ass because you've fucked your veins because you didn't drink for 3 days straight on a binge and you never learn.
That being said, if you DO decide to do it, because you're a grown adult and no one can stop you making your own decisions no matter how life changing they might be, make sure that you practice excellent harm reduction. This means washing your hands and arms with soap and water before you use, having a large stash of alcohol swabs because youre going to need to wipe stuff down, maybe multiple times in case you accidentally touch anything (yes anything that isn't completely sterile). Learn what types of water are the most appropriate for IVing, in which order of preference. Try to use sterile water if you can, or cooled boiled water is my next go to. ALWAYS use clean fits. If there is a needle exchange near you, or a way to order bulk syringes for cheap, there is literally no excuse for this. Every time you stick a used fit in your arm you are doing huge damage. If you must re-use, follow the harm reduction steps for doing so - bleach, then hot water. DO NOT SHARE ANYTHING. ANYTHING AT ALL. This isn't the 80's. If you can't supply your own stuff, or you don't have access to fresh works, then you shouldn't be making the choice to do it at all. This includes needles, cottons, bags, cookers, water, tourniquet. EVERYTHING. It really isn't that hard to make sure you're not sharing anything. Clean EVERYTHING with alcohol swabs. Your hands, the needle, the injection site. Always check to see if you register, don't just push out of desperation - you'll waste a shot, and you'll risk your health. Seriously if you can't hit, just plug it. It's the best, and safest way of doing it instead of risking a missed hit and shoving drugs up your ass doesn't make you gay, in this scenario it actually makes you smart. Use vitamin E cream on your track marks once everything is closed over, it'll help them heal faster. I buy compression sleeves to wear to help my veins heal (compression helps) and because I have hypermobility issues no one questions me wearing compression sleeves instead of going baresleeve if I have to cover something up. If you miss, warm compress and massage it, then stick an ice-pack on there and if you need to, GO TO THE ER. It's better than dying. Just tell them what you did. They're more concerned about helping you even if they do judge - but not all of them are like that.
If you do meth, watch out for signs of overamping with IV use. Excessive sweating, blurred vision, extremely fast heart rate, and tiredness. If you feel tired after a shot of meth, you need to be extremely careful because that is a huge sign of danger. If you're lucky, you'll just fall asleep and wake up cooked as fuck 4 hours later and enjoy your delayed high. If you're unlucky, well. You get the picture. If someone overamps physically, they need medical attention. If it's a psychological overarmp (anxiety, paranoia) take them to somewhere quiet and relaxing, and keep them company and reassure them.
If you do opiates, watch for people dropping. Always test your dose and make sure it's not gonna kill you and ALWAYS carry narcan (the spray is the best because anyone can use it). Watch out for shallow breathing, forced breaths, and blue extremities as well as lips. There's no fentanyl with heroin where I live so we are pretty safe, but it's a huge danger in the US.
Push half your shot at a time, wait for it to hit, then if you need to push the rest. Don't just shove it all in your body at once, especially if it's a new source, a new batch, you haven't used in a while, taken a tolerance break, or haven't tested your drugs so you know what's in them. You can always do more - you can't do less. Not overdosing is better than just taking it all because you don't want to 'waste your drugs.' Know your limits.
Miscellaneous
For me, I've found my addiction thrives when I am disconnected from people or trying to cope with things in my life (not very successfully - I have a pathologically need to cope avoidantly). If you want recovery, talk to people in recovery and learn what things worked for them and what didn't. If you're not into 12 steps (I certainly am not, I hate that programme), then maybe try something like SMART Recovery. I myself am going to hit up a meeting next week to help me sort some things out. There's so many different ways of getting sober now it's crazy, and there's sure to be something that suits you. Also, don't be afraid of Medication Assisted Treatment when you're trying to recover from opiates. It's not just 'swapping one drug for another' I can guarantee you that. I finished a law degree on Medication Assisted Treatment - I would have dropped out if I hadn't. That shit saved my life multiple times, my only mistake was thinking I could just use it short term instead of taking my 10 year long opiate addiction more seriously and realizing I need more than 6 months to get my shit together. This time I'm planning on staying on it between 2-5 years to really settle down and get things sorted. There's no shame in using these amazing medications, as prescribed, to stop yourself from abusing opiates. I have a job, I see friends, I function. I have a law degree. I actually have 2 other degrees as well. I volunteer, I'm a mentor. All of these things for me were possible through Suboxone and Buvidal (the monthly injection). My mind is not affected by it - I don't get stoned, I don't feel it at all. It just means I don't have to fight it every day. I tried the hard way and I could never do it. I'd rather get a monthly injection for 5 years than endlessly relapse, get clean, relapse, get clean, and never make progress. Before Maintenance therapy, my life was just getting money to score, use, recover from using, miss work, then have to scab money from people. I was miserable. Now, I actually have a life. I'm glad that some people can find recovery without the use of Maintenance Therapy, and good on them. But I couldn't and I won't accept the shit they have against me using a gold standard, evidence based treatment to live my life to the fullest.
My family don't know about the true extent of my addiction. They thought I stopped at 17 when they found out about the weed and the cough syrup and they sent me to 12 Step Groups and some dumb psychiatrist I was seeing told them that 'addiction sometimes skips a generation' (referring to my alcoholic grandfather) and that my addiction was 'genetic'. It wasn't, it was a result of physical pain, and extensive child abuse from 5 onwards, and also being transgender in a family where one of my parents was NOT okay with that (and still treats me life shit because of it a lot of the time). If anyone had bothered to ever ask me WHY I used drugs when I was earlier, maybe it would never have gotten to the point it did. It escalated rapidly when I ran away from home at 21 after my older brother got kicked out and I knew the anger would be directed towards me next. I was homeless and couch-surfing and that's when I fell in with a real heavy using crowd and my addiction took off. Those were some real dark days. But my family didn't notice, because they're completely oblivious. I went and saw my parents for dinner one Friday night after using meth all week. I'd lost around 15kg in 2 months at this stage (I eventually lost 20kg in around 2 months from meth, heroin, poverty and homelessness), and because I'd gotten overweight when I was overseas, when my dad saw me (after I'd been up 4 days straight) the first words out of his mouth were 'you've lost so much weight you look fantastic.' That's the type of oblivious we are dealing with here. He couldn't even comprehend that his 21 year old kid was losing 2-3kg a week because he had no money for food, was taking meth and heroin every day, had no stable accomodation, and that was the reason for the rapid weight loss. I haven't ever felt the need to correct them at this stage. And I never will.
That's me.
