Harm Reduction ⫸Personal Accounts of Addiction: What's YOUR Story?⫷

[ChinaGroove]

First I want to thank the BL crew for giving a space to share these stories. Reading them is informative. And for me personally being able to share my account on here is, for lack of a better term, "therapeutic". Especally considering there aren't a ton of people around me that I can share with that will understand and not just label me as "that guy that goes to the methadone clinic". So again, this space is very appreciated and if all our stories can deter someone from taking that first hit or nudge them to make that change then all the better.

So about myself. I was pretty introverted when I was a little kid. Somehow I would end up hanging out with the "bad" kids in middle school. The kids who were smoking cigarettes and skipping school and trying weed and alcohol at a young age. All that juvenile delinquent stuff. I smoked my first ciggarette at 12. That thrill of smoking when I shouldn't be and could get in trouble if caught was addicting in itself. I didn't realize it but it seemed to fill this void in me and gave me this weird sense of purpose and identity.

So eventually I tried weed at 13, got drunk at 16(for some reason I was nervous about alcohol more than other drugs and don't drink to this day and don't miss it) and eventually tried Shrooms, Beans, Xanax, Coke and the occasional Vicodin. By the time I was 18 and out of high school I was getting fucked up every night. I loved drinking at this time and loved either drinking on xans or buying an 8 ball and alot of times ended up bringing different girls home. Yeah my parents were pretty lax but staying out all night and bringing girls home and fucking them right down the hall from them and my younger sister... yeah they were not too happy with me.

Now all this excess is important to remember as I get into the darker parts of my life.

So yeah, the above was my life until I was about 23. By then I had moved out of my parents house. I had tried Vicodin in my teens and Oxys and Roxys and they were "just more drugs"when I was younger. But sometime around that age of 23, I found Roxys made everything so enjoyable. Going to work. Sitting at home while eveeyone else was out at the bar. The euphoria was amazing. I was content. Of course this caused me to isolate myself from my friends as time went on. But I didn't care. Payday became "buy as many blues as I can for the week" day. I was still functionable though. I would never have enough to last a whole week but I wasn't in withdrawl without. Well maybe a little bit mentally but it wasn't anything I couldn't tough out. Boy would that change.

One day my dealer who was also a good friend wasn't able to get Blues. All he had were these things called "Dilaudid" I was disappointed but they were still Opioids so I was like "sure". But my good "friend" advised me that snorting them would be a waste. I already knewwhere he was going and I was like "Hell no. Never". But for some reason, probably because opiods were the only thing to fill this void in me, I made a decision that would change my life forever and start a sick nightmare.

I watched my friend prepare the shot. He mixed up the water soluble Dilaudid in water, crushed up in a spoon. He threw in the cotton and drew it up. Then turned to me. I was like "holy shit i'm really doing this". He told me to flex as he put the tourniquet around my arm. He then basically told me how to find a vein and how I would know when I was in. He carefully pushed the fresh point in without a hitch. Pulled back on the plunger and my blood filled the barrel. He then slowly pushed the plunger back down with zero resistance. In one seemingly quick movement the point was out, the quet was off and I sat there not sure what to expect. Not sure what I was waiting f...

OH MAN...It was the most beautiful thing I had ever felt IN MY FUCKING LIFE. My whole body was buzzing. My mind filled with an ungodly amount of euphoria. THIS. THIS WAS WHAT I HAD BEEN SEARCHING FOR. All the excess. All the other drugs. All the meaningless shallow sex. It all paled in comparison.

From that moment on injection wasn't my preferred roa. It WAS my roa. It was another addiction in itself.

As time went on, my use increased. I noticed the small depression I endured without my Roxys was now accompanied with physical symptoms without my Dilaudid to inject. Those couple days without, soon were no longer an option. I had to have my fix. Of course if Dilaudid weren't available, I would inject Roxys despite the absence of a rush. I would eventually stumble upon Opanas, the red 10 mg ir. Those were amazing. The rush of Dilaudid and the high of a Roxy. And of course, the same "friend" that introduced me to Dilaudid went up to visit "family" up in West Maryland. He called me when he returned and said he had a "surprise". Yup. It was Heroin. This cocaine white powder he said it was called "China White". That was a binge. He gave me a gram plus gave me my first shot. Yeah anytime the CW came around I was ecstatic as the high was above and beyond any Opioid pill I had tried and the rush, while not on the level of Dilaudid, was nice. It was more of a "high rush" than a "rush" if that makes any sense at all.

So as my use got worse and worse, I had to fund my habit. I spent nearly my entire paycheck on it. I had to move back in with my parents because I couldn't pay rent anymore. Thank god they were there and loved me enough to put up with my shit before eventually helping get help. But at the moment I was reduced to doing whatever I had to do. Crime which I won't get into the specifics of. Begging. Pawning all my stuff and alot of my loved ones stuff too. I did everything but sold my body. I'm sure that would have came with time too. I was desperate not just for that high/rush but above all to not be sick. Everytime I had to go without was awful. I was rapidly losing my ability to function in society and hold down my job.

So I finally hit what was for me, my "bottom". I was a mess. I was that junkie that everyone looks at one time and can see it. So there I was waiting for my main guy at the time. He was a piece of shit that taxed whenever he could but he reliable and was right there. When your sick you need your fix now. Not in an hour. Not in a minute. NOW. But this particular time I was waiting and waiting and after ten hours or so he decides then to tell me it would cost x amount more than usual. Furious I just said "Okay" with no intention of paying that. Long story short I give him the USUAL amount it costs. He didn't like that and wanted to handle. I just wanted to not be sick. So with all my dopesick sick of being sick rage I beat the fucking brakes off this guy. Beat him with one fist while holding my fix in my other hand. Then ran, not scared of him but of police. I ran to the nearest gas station and fixed in a small, shitty bathroom.

I made my way home and my parents were both up waiting for me. Apparently this guy "called my parents". I don't know what he thought that would accomplish but It actually helped me. My dad said I either get help or get out and he was 1000 percent serious. So together we found a doctor that could help with opioid dependence. My parents helped me pay for the initial first time fee and I was set up with a prescription for Buprenorphine generic. He wrote me the script right there because he could see I was in severe withdrawl and all my opioid use had been short acting.

I actually was quite improved. Of course I would sell my subs at times and was still chasing a high to an extent. I would run through my script and be sick and be back injecting. After going through this routine I realized I was falling back where I was. It was at this time I decided to look into Methadone. I found a clinic close by. I had to show up every day even on Sundays. It was tough but I knew I was about out of options so I had to commit. I did find the Methadone held me way better than the Subs did and that combined with the structure of having to commit to showing up every day really helped me turn a corner.

So here I am after almost four years writing this. Other than one minor set back which resulted in a nasty precipitated withdrawl, I have been stable and have a life again. And as much as I would like to wrap this story with a nice happy "the end" I understand every day is a new day with new struggles and new highs and lows. But thanks to some great people I met through my counselor, I feel equipped to deal with all that life throws at me going forward.

 

[MDPV_Psychosis]

@ChinaGroove that was well written, thank you for sharing. Im curious for a few more details if you don't mind sharing:

Do you plan to stay on methadone indefinitely or eventually taper off? How long now have you been stable on methadone? How much are you taking daily?

Again, thank you, it was a good read. I'm glad to hear you've turned things around.

 

[ChinaGroove]

@ChinaGroove that was well written, thank you for sharing. Im curious for a few more details if you don't mind sharing:

Do you plan to stay on methadone indefinitely or eventually taper off? How long now have you been stable on methadone? How much are you taking daily?

Again, thank you, it was a good read. I'm glad to hear you've turned things around.

of course. I have been stable on 110 mg's of methadone for going on four years.
I do plan to taper eventually. But I have had a few instances of "stacking" my take homes to get a
buzz. One time I made the horrific mistake of take a sub thinking I could bypass being sick after stacking one week. Needless to say it was the scariest two hours of my life. I thought the rapid onset of diahrea and vomiting alone was going to send me to the er.
So at the moment i'm doing well. No slip ups since the above incident a few months back. As for when I taper I really need to be honest in weighing the risks. "Am I ready to taper and face the world 110% free of drugs without relapse?"
I don't know YET. But as long as I know I am truly doing good and in a better place, I'm not going to push it too quick and risk relapse.

And thank you for the feedback. Sharing and discussion are very important ime. And if all these stories we share can help someone not take that first pill or to go get help then that's even more important.

 

[SWIM2100]

Brief Background
My story isn’t nearly as dramatic or unfortunate as many I have read here. I went through and read each and every story on this thread and for those of you suffering, my heart genuinely breaks. I wish I could do more than offer my words here. But, we all take our own path don’t we? Just know should ours ever cross you will only find a friend in me

I had a wonderful childhood. No abuse or neglect with the exception of my abandonment by my father before I was born. I never knew him. While I have made my peace with this I know that it has caused developmental issues and even now at 38 years old I am working to correct those I identify as they surface in life. My mother and I lived with my grandparents while she went to school and worked and so I became very close to my grandparents. To this day my grandfather is my best friend and my grandmother like a second mother. My mom is a wonderful mother and gave me everything I needed and most of what I wanted. I had a better childhood than most and better than I feel I deserved. She made sure I had more opportunity thrown at me than I would ever know what to do with and she is a huge role model for me. I actually followed in her footsteps professionally and became a programmer as an adult.

When I grew up I got married at a fairly young age (23) and now have a beautiful wife who treats me better than I could have ever hoped for a partner to treat me and she has given me two beautiful children that are the lights of my life. My addiction did not begin until several years into my marriage when I developed chronic refractory gout. Though I had a relationship with opiates since I was 14 years old. The first time I encountered them was in a football locker room and taking 10mg of hydrocodone produced almost the exact same sensation I felt when I fell in love with my wife (she is the only person I’ve ever been in love with). I knew there was something abnormal with how I responded to that drug. And when I developed chronic gout and was given access to a steady stream of painkillers, I knew they were probably going to become an issue. I thought that since I was aware of it though that I could keep it at bay. I had no interest in getting high anyway. I just didn’t want to suffer anymore. Famous last words. I proceeded to go down a path that has led to the destruction of many human beings but I have been lucky enough to have a very strong support system and have begun the process of pulling myself out of the abyss. I never made it to heroin but for almost 25 years I either was addicted to, depended upon or relied on as a crutch, opioid painkillers. I am now in methadone maintenance therapy and while most people wonder why I chose that route for a prescription pain pill addiction, I know it has been the right choice for me. While I never slammed heroin, my brain literally formed under the conditions provided to it by opiates. I did not become addicted until I developed chronic gout - as I said - but i would find excuses to take them as often as possible from the time I was 14. In reality I was psychologically addicted from that age, if not physically dependent. Methadone has been a huge blessing for me and allowed me to become a productive human being that once again has a chance to live up to his potential. It may not be right for many but it was definitely the right move for me.

Substance(s)

At my worst I got up to 280mg of hydrocodone or oxycodone in a 24 hour period. This would be spread over several doses of 40-60mg at a time.


Duration of Addiction/Dependence

I believe I became psychologically addicted as a teenager. I can still remember the first time I took hydrocodone vividly. It was October 10, 1997 before a football game. I didn’t become physically dependent until I developed chronic gout in my mid-twenties. My addiction really took off after getting this disease and I would experience the onset of withdrawals regularly by age 26-27 though I did not know what they were for over a decade. I thought I was getting lots of upper respiratory infections.

Adverse Effects
The biggest area opiates had the worst effect on me was in my career. I’m a programmer and a damn good one but since I was always having gout flare ups I would take these pain killers constantly and not be able to work because my brain was just too scrambled and I was too emotionally flat to make anything happen. I just couldn’t do the difficult brain work the craft requires to stay employable. That coupled with the crippling effects of constant gout really took a toll on my work life.


Warnings and Advice

I am not impoverished nor did I seek recreational fun from opiates as an adult. Your brain can be insidious when it wants those things. I convinced myself my doctors weren’t doing what they needed to do to help with the pain of my disease so dammit I would deal with it myself then! But, I was never “better” until I had taken enough to feel good. And I would always have to finish the bottle off and then seek more out from other sources.

This class of drug does not discriminate. I come from a loving family, have a good life and it still took hold of me. I am also extremely conscientious and type-A. It isn’t willpower that causes you to be addicted to this garbage. It’s a disease in your brain. If it was up to my willpower I would have had opiates licked the second I met them. Get the help you need and don’t let a single damn person make you feel less than because of it. You are a sacred being of light projected into the universe for a purpose and you are as worthy as any other human being of compassion. If you feel the structure of MMT might help you - go for it. If you feel subs are the way to go - go for it. But reach out and do something. No matter what. Hell reach out to me on here and I’ll do what I can, even if it’s just listening.

Don’t live in fear or self-loathing. Reach out and ask for help however you are comfortable doing so. It’s there for you if you are willing to take it. Be willing. And if you aren’t yet that’s ok too. We all get there in our own time and in our own way.

 

[Senti]

I just want to put in quick for anyone who feel like opiates/opioids might "paint their life in beautiful colors", like going on a honeymoon or getting physical or mental peace, this won't last. It might last a few years if you're lucky. It doesn't matter or how long or how short it lasts, it always ends the same way. I never thought I'd shoot heroin, I always said I would never use needles, when I started smoking weed at 14 I always said "no chemicals, just natural stuff". But you find yourself passing one barrier and then another one and another one. You might not realize this until it completely ruined your life, like it did for me.

It wasn't after I got clean from using needles and quit drugs completely that I realized that these barriers or personal borders have been passed and it "wasn't so bad"... But it was, wow was it bad in retrospect. I took a relapse after almost 90 days clean and that relapse killed me, yes I was resuscitated, but with less than a 10% chance of surviving. But I cleared those odds and I'm so extremely thankful for that. Now my daughter still has her father alive. Her mom, my ex, let's call her Ellie for simplicity. Ellies dad died of an overdose when she was just a couple of months old so she grew up without a dad. Ellies mom got PTSD from that and now Ellie has gotten panic attacks from this experience of me nearly dying.

I lost myself writing this, the tears came and when they come I lose myself in what I was doing. But I am so glad I finally can feel again. I've been using drugs almost daily for 15 years and I always thought the drugs enhanced my feelings but they closed me off from them.

 

[fishcantblink]

Brief Background

I'm an almost 25F. I was pretty good growing up, I never got detention, all A's in high school, chorus, art, and band girl. I developed anorexia at 14 and struggled for many years in and out of treatment for it (this plays a part later). I wanted to be popular so bad but never got there. I always struggled with feeling good enough. When it was time to pick a college I wanted to leave my hometown. My mom had a stroke when I was 12 so my life up until that point was taking care of her, all vacations stopped, sleepovers with the friends I did have, etc. I wanted to be selfish for once. When I moved to the new state, I moved in with my older sister, but she was the only one I knew. I commuted to school so never got into any clubs or campus life in general. I felt isolated. I started working at a restaurant and soon learned that everyone there was either a drug addict or a user. I started dating a guy there who smoked weed. I wanted to fit in, so I started smoking weed too, even though I never really liked it. Once I got over the "drugs are bad" mentality I had growing up, my curiosity got the best of me. With the help of my restaurant friends, I tried molly, adderall, coke, xanax, etizolam, mushrooms, acid... I wanted to try everything.

Substance(s)

I first got addicted to benzos because of my social anxiety. I mainly used etizolam and clonazolam since they were legal. I started having paradoxical effects and having anxiety attacks on a daily basis. I fell asleep at the wheel one night and totaled my car. I tapered myself off benzos all on my own and was pretty proud of myself. I never considered that I could be addicted to anything.

Next, I started drinking heavily. I was 19 at that point. My anorexia flared up again and I had to move back in with my parents to go to treatment. One night I drank a lot of what I thought was coconut rum and woke up hours later in the ER. It was actually everclear and I had alcohol poisoning. After that, alcohol stopped working mentally for me and now I just fall asleep like my brain is afraid of that happening again.

I was still curious about drugs I hadn't tried yet and got into watching Intervention. The meth episodes were interesting and one of my restaurant friends told me he had some, so I went over and tried it for the first time. The next day, I was down 2 pounds. I was in love with it. I started by smoking it daily behind my boyfriend's back, then I totaled my second car high on meth and drunk at the same time. I broke my pipe and didn't have a car to buy a new one so I switched to snorting it. After a year or so of that, the meth wasn't working anymore. I couldn't stay awake. Stopping was not an option for me, not even for a tolerance break, so I needed another option. One of my meth using friends had switched to IV a few months prior and I hit him up telling him it was time. He took me to a trailer park where a guy I never met shot me up for the first time. I will never forget that feeling. I exclusively shot it from then on.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

Benzos I think 6 months? Alcohol maybe 4, meth about 2 years.

Adverse Effects

When I was in my hometown going to eating disorder treatment, I met a guy on the street to sell me vicodin, and one day when I went to his house, he raped me. I never reported it because I was naive and thought the police would find out I was doing drugs and I didn't want to get in trouble. He gave me an STD. I never felt so dirty and worthless as I did then.

My boyfriend and I fought a lot over my use of various drugs. On Xanax I ended up cheating on him with his best friend which destroyed their friendship. I got my boyfriend into meth so he would leave me alone about it, and that's something I'll always regret. I "fell in love" with my dealer and left my boyfriend to devote my life to the other guy, letting him drive my car around and putting me in dangerous situations. I had to live out of my car during that time. I knew I was gonna fail my semester in college, so I told the counselor I was addicted to meth and he had me withdrawal from all classes. My parents said I had to come home, so I had to quit my job, then they told me I couldn't come without going to rehab and I didn't want to, so I spent all my money and was totally destitute, giving every last bit I had to my dealer. I wasn't useful anymore, so I was going to let him start prostituting me until a female friend talked me out of it.

I got a staph infection in my blood and had to be hospitalized. I ended up in jail soon after for possession and driving under the influence. The next two years I was gone, either in jail or rehab. December 2017 I got out of my first court-ordered rehab and went to a place that was kinda like a halfway house but you got treatment there. I made it two weeks before I started using again. I failed two drug tests and got sent back to jail. Finally in December 2018 I got out of a 6 month lockdown program and decided not to play with my probation anymore. I haven't done meth since June 4th, 2018. I stayed totally clean and sober for 14 months, then started drinking alcohol maybe 2-3 times a year. I started doing ativan recently and am afraid of getting addicted to them.

Warnings and Advice

You might think you can handle it, but before you know it, it's handling you. Even though I'm not using meth anymore, I still think about it every day, and I still crave it. I will never be the same again. They tell you to fill your life with distractions and hobbies but for me, nothing in the world will ever compare to that feeling I got when meth entered my bloodstream for the first time. I still feel lost and empty without it. I wish I had never tried it. That being said, you can't change the past, and my life has significantly gotten better since I quit. The problems that plagued me-family issues, relationship issues, financial issues, etc.- all started to disappear when I got clean. Sometimes, your problems are your own doing. I know it's hard to stop, but if you think about it, it really is just that simple: don't use. It took the court to force me to stop, but that doesn't have to be the case for everyone. Get out now, please.

 

[darvocet21]

Brief Background

I'm an almost 25F. I was pretty good growing up, I never got detention, all A's in high school, chorus, art, and band girl. I developed anorexia at 14 and struggled for many years in and out of treatment for it (this plays a part later). I wanted to be popular so bad but never got there. I always struggled with feeling good enough. When it was time to pick a college I wanted to leave my hometown. My mom had a stroke when I was 12 so my life up until that point was taking care of her, all vacations stopped, sleepovers with the friends I did have, etc. I wanted to be selfish for once. When I moved to the new state, I moved in with my older sister, but she was the only one I knew. I commuted to school so never got into any clubs or campus life in general. I felt isolated. I started working at a restaurant and soon learned that everyone there was either a drug addict or a user. I started dating a guy there who smoked weed. I wanted to fit in, so I started smoking weed too, even though I never really liked it. Once I got over the "drugs are bad" mentality I had growing up, my curiosity got the best of me. With the help of my restaurant friends, I tried molly, adderall, coke, xanax, etizolam, mushrooms, acid... I wanted to try everything.

Substance(s)

I first got addicted to benzos because of my social anxiety. I mainly used etizolam and clonazolam since they were legal. I started having paradoxical effects and having anxiety attacks on a daily basis. I fell asleep at the wheel one night and totaled my car. I tapered myself off benzos all on my own and was pretty proud of myself. I never considered that I could be addicted to anything.

Next, I started drinking heavily. I was 19 at that point. My anorexia flared up again and I had to move back in with my parents to go to treatment. One night I drank a lot of what I thought was coconut rum and woke up hours later in the ER. It was actually everclear and I had alcohol poisoning. After that, alcohol stopped working mentally for me and now I just fall asleep like my brain is afraid of that happening again.

I was still curious about drugs I hadn't tried yet and got into watching Intervention. The meth episodes were interesting and one of my restaurant friends told me he had some, so I went over and tried it for the first time. The next day, I was down 2 pounds. I was in love with it. I started by smoking it daily behind my boyfriend's back, then I totaled my second car high on meth and drunk at the same time. I broke my pipe and didn't have a car to buy a new one so I switched to snorting it. After a year or so of that, the meth wasn't working anymore. I couldn't stay awake. Stopping was not an option for me, not even for a tolerance break, so I needed another option. One of my meth using friends had switched to IV a few months prior and I hit him up telling him it was time. He took me to a trailer park where a guy I never met shot me up for the first time. I will never forget that feeling. I exclusively shot it from then on.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

Benzos I think 6 months? Alcohol maybe 4, meth about 2 years.

Adverse Effects

When I was in my hometown going to eating disorder treatment, I met a guy on the street to sell me vicodin, and one day when I went to his house, he raped me. I never reported it because I was naive and thought the police would find out I was doing drugs and I didn't want to get in trouble. He gave me an STD. I never felt so dirty and worthless as I did then.

My boyfriend and I fought a lot over my use of various drugs. On Xanax I ended up cheating on him with his best friend which destroyed their friendship. I got my boyfriend into meth so he would leave me alone about it, and that's something I'll always regret. I "fell in love" with my dealer and left my boyfriend to devote my life to the other guy, letting him drive my car around and putting me in dangerous situations. I had to live out of my car during that time. I knew I was gonna fail my semester in college, so I told the counselor I was addicted to meth and he had me withdrawal from all classes. My parents said I had to come home, so I had to quit my job, then they told me I couldn't come without going to rehab and I didn't want to, so I spent all my money and was totally destitute, giving every last bit I had to my dealer. I wasn't useful anymore, so I was going to let him start prostituting me until a female friend talked me out of it.

I got a staph infection in my blood and had to be hospitalized. I ended up in jail soon after for possession and driving under the influence. The next two years I was gone, either in jail or rehab. December 2017 I got out of my first court-ordered rehab and went to a place that was kinda like a halfway house but you got treatment there. I made it two weeks before I started using again. I failed two drug tests and got sent back to jail. Finally in December 2018 I got out of a 6 month lockdown program and decided not to play with my probation anymore. I haven't done meth since June 4th, 2018. I stayed totally clean and sober for 14 months, then started drinking alcohol maybe 2-3 times a year. I started doing ativan recently and am afraid of getting addicted to them.

Warnings and Advice

You might think you can handle it, but before you know it, it's handling you. Even though I'm not using meth anymore, I still think about it every day, and I still crave it. I will never be the same again. They tell you to fill your life with distractions and hobbies but for me, nothing in the world will ever compare to that feeling I got when meth entered my bloodstream for the first time. I still feel lost and empty without it. I wish I had never tried it. That being said, you can't change the past, and my life has significantly gotten better since I quit. The problems that plagued me-family issues, relationship issues, financial issues, etc.- all started to disappear when I got clean. Sometimes, your problems are your own doing. I know it's hard to stop, but if you think about it, it really is just that simple: don't use. It took the court to force me to stop, but that doesn't have to be the case for everyone. Get out now, please.

Thank you

 

[darvocet21]

of course. I have been stable on 110 mg's of methadone for going on four years.
I do plan to taper eventually. But I have had a few instances of "stacking" my take homes to get a
buzz. One time I made the horrific mistake of take a sub thinking I could bypass being sick after stacking one week. Needless to say it was the scariest two hours of my life. I thought the rapid onset of diahrea and vomiting alone was going to send me to the er.
So at the moment i'm doing well. No slip ups since the above incident a few months back. As for when I taper I really need to be honest in weighing the risks. "Am I ready to taper and face the world 110% free of drugs without relapse?"
I don't know YET. But as long as I know I am truly doing good and in a better place, I'm not going to push it too quick and risk relapse.

And thank you for the feedback. Sharing and discussion are very important ime. And if all these stories we share can help someone not take that first pill or to go get help then that's even more important.

Love your attitude!

 

[shadowstryker]

Brief Background

Long story short, I was very depressed. I was depressed because I couldn't accept certain realities about myself, and I used drugs as a coping mechanism until I eventually accepted myself for who I am (I'm transgender apparently, and fully transitioned now..whether you agree with that or not isn't my concern though). Personal issues in my life that I refused to face were more of a driving force for my addiction than the drugs themselves in a way. I can happily say after homelessness and addiction though, I'm now a professional software developer with a proper life and over two years clean! House, new city, new car, relationship, etc. All things I never dreamed I'd ever get close to achieving in my lifetime while I was using. Getting clean really does change things


Substance(s)

All of them. I wish I was joking, but there's maybe a couple out there I didn't abuse including many of the opiate/benzo RCs available at the time. Heroin, benzos, and alcohol were my biggest problem though.


Duration of Addiction/Dependence

4-5 years using, swapping between periods of mainly using one drug over the other in the beginning and all of them together later.


Adverse Affects

Nothing permanent that I'm aware of thankfully, though the main vein in my left arm was blown and never fully recovered.

While I was using it changed my mood a lot. Made it more unstable, major mood swings and almost all negative emotions. I was getting sick every month, which believe it or not isn't normal, and my health physically and mentally was just declining. My motivation was basically zero and it made a feedback loop that fed the addiction further by leading to more drug use.


Warnings and Advice

If you're thinking about using painkillers even once just to try them, don't! Listen to the people warning you away from that stuff because regardless of how strong willed you think you are, you can and will get addicted. Yes after just once! Really!
If you're currently battling addiction, first of all I'm so sorry, but the truth is recovery isn't easy. Withdrawals will suck, you'll have mood issues for months after, and cravings will be very prevalent for a while. But there's hope! It probably varies by person but cravings eventually fizzled out for me and these days it isn't even a thought, and if there was heroin in front of me right now I can confidently say I'd turn it away. If I can do it I really do believe you can do it too, be strong.

Miscellaneous

Lastly, I want to say basically my entire addiction story can be seen by my post history. The beginning where I first considered painkillers to try them, the addiction, the switch to heroin, getting into fentanyl and opiate analogs, OD's, literally the whole shabang. If there's anything that give you insight into how bad things can really get it's my post history.

This will probably be one of the last comments I make here. Actually took me a while to find the name of this forum and my account again to do this. I want to wish everyone the best of luck with everything in life moving forward, and for those that watched my spiral those years back I want to apologize for my arrogance. I was too young and blind to see clearly after addiction took hold.

 

[darvocet21]

Brief Background

Long story short, I was very depressed. I was depressed because I couldn't accept certain realities about myself, and I used drugs as a coping mechanism until I eventually accepted myself for who I am (I'm transgender apparently, and fully transitioned now..whether you agree with that or not isn't my concern though). Personal issues in my life that I refused to face were more of a driving force for my addiction than the drugs themselves in a way. I can happily say after homelessness and addiction though, I'm now a professional software developer with a proper life and over two years clean! House, new city, new car, relationship, etc. All things I never dreamed I'd ever get close to achieving in my lifetime while I was using. Getting clean really does change things


Substance(s)

All of them. I wish I was joking, but there's maybe a couple out there I didn't abuse including many of the opiate/benzo RCs available at the time. Heroin, benzos, and alcohol were my biggest problem though.


Duration of Addiction/Dependence

4-5 years using, swapping between periods of mainly using one drug over the other in the beginning and all of them together later.


Adverse Affects

Nothing permanent that I'm aware of thankfully, though the main vein in my left arm was blown and never fully recovered.

While I was using it changed my mood a lot. Made it more unstable, major mood swings and almost all negative emotions. I was getting sick every month, which believe it or not isn't normal, and my health physically and mentally was just declining. My motivation was basically zero and it made a feedback loop that fed the addiction further by leading to more drug use.


Warnings and Advice

If you're thinking about using painkillers even once just to try them, don't! Listen to the people warning you away from that stuff because regardless of how strong willed you think you are, you can and will get addicted. Yes after just once! Really!
If you're currently battling addiction, first of all I'm so sorry, but the truth is recovery isn't easy. Withdrawals will suck, you'll have mood issues for months after, and cravings will be very prevalent for a while. But there's hope! It probably varies by person but cravings eventually fizzled out for me and these days it isn't even a thought, and if there was heroin in front of me right now I can confidently say I'd turn it away. If I can do it I really do believe you can do it too, be strong.

Miscellaneous

Lastly, I want to say basically my entire addiction story can be seen by my post history. The beginning where I first considered painkillers to try them, the addiction, the switch to heroin, getting into fentanyl and opiate analogs, OD's, literally the whole shabang. If there's anything that give you insight into how bad things can really get it's my post history.

This will probably be one of the last comments I make here. Actually took me a while to find the name of thos forum and my account again to do this. I want to wish everyone the best of luck with everything in life moving forward, and for those that watched my spiral those years back I want to apologize for my arrogance. I was too young and blind to see clearly after addiction took hold.

❤ don't leave us here, take us with you!

 

[Johnhankins]

I was trying to find a thread about acute etizolam withdrawal, cold turkey from a very high daily dose...
That was the worst. It was just like a stroke. I was on nearly 20mg a day, combating the worst ptsd I ever have faced. I asked doctors to taper me with valium, but they refused. This led to hospitalizations... Seizures. Grand mal seizure. Complete loss of memory, including even knowing my friends. I forgot all my skills and my movement was very slow.

No stroke or heart attack was legitimately detected. My blood pressure was near 180/130 though , body temperature low.. valium was only thing that worked.
I had no idea when to eat or how much. I didn't move.

Eventually a doctor got onto me. I threw away tobacco, stopped substituting with alcohol... Stopped benzos.. forced the DT's.... Several months, loss of work..

Now I'm healthy! Health all normal, regular weight, my mind is active. I eat good .


I had the worst issues finding help on etizolam withdrawal and was forced through it. Any questions, just ask.
.thanks

 

[joemidlife]

*I have posted this in the should I use Heroin thread before seeing this one, please delete if double posting not aloud.*

I'm UK based so my experience of opiates differs to a lot of you from the USA. There is very little use of opiate pain pills over here so most peoples use of opiates is Heroin alone.
I'm 42 and have been a user of Heroin for about 20 years. The first 10 years was purely a recreational thing, I would smoke a bag or 2 every few months and that was it. It was never even close to being my DOC. after about 10 years in I found myself smoking it 3/4 times a week and using it as an antidepressant. I would not physically withdraw if I did not smoke it but the seeds of addiction where planted for sure. Fast forward a few more years and I was ( and still am ) shooting snowballs 2 times a day and get sick as a dog if I go 10 hours without using.

As a result of my addiction I have lost everything. My partner and I sold our house ( she was an ex user like me when we first met, we relapsed together ) and smoked / shot the profit from this in about 4 months ( £40k ) we both ended up homeless and in jail. I used to run an IT repair company and my partner was a Teacher. She ended up national news " school teacher turned heroin and crack dealer". What she did was hire a car for a dealer to use and receded 2.5 years for conspiracy to supply. I got 12 months for shoplifting to support our habits when homeless.

Things have improved a lot the last 2 years. We have a place of our own so are no longer homeless, we are starting a methadone script next week but we both know we have a lot to do, we are not sure if we can even stay together as using has become such a big part of out relationship ( the thought of losing her after all we have been through together is enough to make me run to the nearest dealer! ).

Heroin is the ultimate leveller. Its cares not for who you are, what you have done, your colour, race, sex etc. My partner and I are both well educated, middle class, from good family's etc etc. I had my use under control for years but the moment I let my guard down BOOM! ( the fact you have to keep your guard up should be a warning to you in the first place )

This is just my experience and may differ for you. I was an experienced drug user with many different drugs under my belt. I knew the risks, I was scared of needles (( what normal person is not?) but when you are sicker than you have ever been and have 1 ten bag to get 2 of you well you get brave real fucking quick!)

Sorry for all the grammatical errors, Im dyslexic and there is only so much a spell check can do. If your inclined to point such things out knock yourself out, Im sure your willy will double in size as a result.

Love
Joe x

 

[TheFrogEffect]

Brief Background

I started using drugs when I was 17 after 5 years of being "straight edge". The straight edge thing was big where I lived (Utah) and my parents were alcoholics and drug users, and I desperately wanted to not be like them. Well, when I broke out of straight edge, it was right after my girlfriend of four years and I had broken up. A coworker had cocaine with him and kept going off to do some in the bathroom, and finally I said fuck it and asked if I could try it. From there I tried alcohol, to marijuana, to ecstasy, mushrooms, LSD, and low dose prescription painkillers. I had it all under control for a while, but when I hit 19 I was in a horrendous car accident and broke my pelvis x3, fractured my right hip, various bruises and contusions, a concussion, and like five or six stitches in my right eyebrow. They had me pumped full of morphine the entire time I was in the hospital, and after I was discharged they prescribed me oxycodone 10's for the next few months, then bumped me up to 20's until they finally thought my pain was under control and they cut me off.

Substance(s)

I began scouring every street corner in every dodgy part of town that I could just to keep my highs going. I scored big once, double the pills I'd normally get for half the price, so I was on cloud 9 having found such a hookup. Well, as those pills ran out and I went back for more, I realized why I got the deal I got. The dude was getting out of the game with pills and was now pushing heroin. And, holy shit, heroin was a hell of a lot cheaper than pills, and way more potent. As time passed, I was doing heroin more and more, daily. This gave way to me finally turning to the needle. I'll never forget my first shot, it was absolutely glorious. Put me on cloud 9. I couldn't imagine ever letting go at this point.

Eventually I started putting H before work, losing multiple jobs, some as fast as I could get them, really. But still, nobody around me was aware that I was getting high like I was. Prior to using Heroin, it was very common for me to go to a job, decide I didn't like it, and never go back. I didn't tell anyone that I just wanted to be at home shooting up or going out with friends while high off my rocker.

Eventually I found myself homeless because I couldn't keep a job. I started living in my car wherever I could find places to park for the night. In friend's driveways, on the street in a dark neighborhood, business parking lots... wherever. Sometimes I was able to score a couch to surf on for the night or sometimes longer. I was still keeping my use under wraps and had finally found a job that I could do while sneaking off to use without being caught. Eventually I started doing the occasional speedball, but mostly only when there were people with coke around. I never wanted to spend that much on coke just to do speedballs.

Anyway, I kept this going, kept sleeping in my car or wherever I could find, for a few months. Finally I went to go cop and the dude's place was torn to shit, things thrown everywhere, no sign of my guy or his drugs. Still not sure if he got ransacked by the cops or if some other users came and fucked him up. Never saw him again.

Here I was with no connections and no drugs. Not a good place to be for someone who needs their fix. I searched up and down through the neighborhood and surrounding area until I spotted the telltale signs of someone open for business. So I am able to talk my way into getting something, but it wasn't the H I was looking for. It was meth. He hooked me up with a pipe, loaded up the first bowl for me, and showed me how to use it. I was hooked instantly. I had never felt so great in all my life.

Now I can honestly say that the next few months were a total blur. I don't honestly remember much besides working, fiending and going out and scoring. Everyone around me knew that I was using now. I was developing sores and rashes, I was picking, I would be up for days and days at a time and was always paranoid, hearing shit and seeing shit. Finally my family stepped in and had an intervention with me. It was hard to see how badly my actions had been affecting everyone. I owed everyone in my family money, I had been belligerent and terrible to many of them, and it dawned on me that I hadn't even seen my child once since I started using meth.

It took me a couple more months to get out. I would seem to be doing fine and then suddenly there I was scoring a bag and on my way to get high. But I finally got out. I restored my connection to my family and made amends for the wrong I'd done. I made my presence very well known in my child's life. I was done... for now. I got a steady job which helped me save up to move to Washington, which was a lifelong dream of mine. Had a couple more kids and started a family and made my way here.

Fast forward to October last year, 7 1/2 years after getting clean for the first time. COVID was in full effect, my life was turned upside down, and the girl of my dreams had left me. I was fucked up emotionally and didn't know what else to do. It turned out I had a coworker who used H and meth and I started scoring from him and used near daily up until a couple months ago. I did not shoot up H this time, strictly stuck to smoking it. Smoked the ice and H together in what the locals call a "goofball". much to great effect. This time I kept my shit under control mostly. I didn't lose any jobs. I didn't alienate anyone. I kept hydrated, fed, and slept regularly to avoid psychosis. Nobody caught on until I told my best friend and, eventually, my new girlfriend. I've maintained my important role as a father and haven't once used around my kids, which is a huge thing to me never to let them see me like that.

I quit using a couple months ago. Had a lapse on heroin a month or so ago, though. Some great black tar. It was my final farewell to the drug, a beautiful one at that. However, I keep having lapses with meth. I'll get a small bag, just enough for a day, and do it and then stop for a couple months and then here I go again. I am clean one month from H but I broke down today and am spun as fuck on meth. I know I can quit, I am determined to make this my very last time.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

I used heroin from age 19 to 22, then from 29 to 30. Meth from age 21 to 22, then from 29 to 30. So a total of 4 years as an addict to something or another.

I still smoke weed basically every day, I doubt I'll ever stop that. It helps with the pain from the car accident which seems to worsen every year. I still fuck with mushrooms and acid, again, don't think I'll see a time when my love for those stops. I don't plan to touch opiates/opioids or any stimulants ever again. Not after the hell they caused.

Adverse Effects

Luckily I didn't have anything come up healthwise. I overdosed on H a couple times, but I was always with someone who managed to get me up and moving around. Never ended up hospitalized for an OD thankfully. But hey, maybe if I had, I would have gotten out sooner the first time.

I managed to never get an abcess, never missed a shot, never had to dig too hard to find a vein or anything. I never once shared a needle, nor did I ever re-use a needle, so I avoided the whole host of terrible things that come with those. I was fortunate enough to be in a situation where clean rigs were readily available. I've had myself checked out and am surprisingly healthy despite my time as a user with no known impacts to my overall health. (Yet.)

The biggest adverse effects were to my relationships. Some folks will never speak to me again, be it just because I used hard drugs or because I did or said things to cause them to never want to. Others have cut me off to the point that we only ever speak in passing, usually one liner comments on memes on social media. Others have stuck with me through the whole time, through the bad and the good, and are here for me whenever I need without being enablers. I'm lucky to have those friends.

Warnings and Advice

Warnings: just don't do heroin or meth. No matter how badly you want to try it, it isn't worth getting caught up in an addiction. These addictions can and will take everything from you. Even just once is enough to fuck yourself over. Just don't.

Advice: If you find yourself in hell with these addictions, just know that you can overcome them. It takes a lot of fucking work, and you have to be willing to erase the other users and dealers and minimize triggers from your life entirely. Open up to the people you trust and let them know you're struggling and need help. In the end, only you can stop using for yourself, but it helps a shitload if you have people backing you up to get clean. Some people might cut you out, or minimize you, but there's going to be people who stay in your corner and see you through.

Miscellaneous

I've learned a lot of my issues with substance abuse were likely caused by going my entire life without a diagnosis, but I was finally diagnosed bipolar II and things have overall made a ton more sense. My thoughts and actions all make so much more sense. I still am struggling with using, but getting treatment for my mental health has made things tremendously more simple and easier to deal with. I am now going months at a time without using, and when I lapse, it's only for one night and then I go clean again for months. Mood stabilizers have helped a TON on this front. Now just working on getting my anxiety and depression under control.

 

[Eligiu]

Brief Background

I'm27 years old and chronic pain (physical) and a childhood of emotional pain led me down the path of drug use at an early age (13).

Substance(s)

Alcohol at 13 because I knew it would make me feel different and I didn't want to be at home sober, 14 codeine because I have scoliosis. Then it just evolved somewhat naturally from there. Weed at 15, endone at 16, a lot of DXM at 17, speed at 17. Took a bit of a break then went back to codeine (I metabolise codeine to morphine clearly very well). Heroin and meth at 21, poppy seed tea at 21 as well.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

Between 16-17 I was pretty heavily addicted to weed and cough syrup.
Between 21-23 I was very heavily addicted to meth and heroin and codeine.
At the moment I'm using meth more often that I'd like so this is proper relapse territory. I was clean from meth for 18 months prior to last month, and on Opiate Replacement Therapy (which I've been on 5 times so far).

Adverse Effects

Somehow when I was mixing shitloads of xanax, heroin and alcohol together I somehow didn't die. I'm still shocked to this day.
I've overamped on meth more times than I'd like to admit, sometimes after using for too many days straight, other times from getting strong gear from a new source and not doing a test shot. I've come very close to overdosing on poppy seed tea (that shit can be real dangerous) and actually narcaned myself because I was so afraid of falling asleep and dying. Crazy experience.

Warnings and Advice

Don't ever let anyone shoot you up, even if they say they're doing it for 'harm reduction' so that you won't fuck it up yourself. It was the biggest mistake I ever made saying yes to the person who asked me if I wanted to try it. If I could pinpoint the moment my life changed courses and addiction became something I'd fight for the rest of my life, that was the moment. At the beginning I couldn't do it alone so I had to wait until they were available to meet up with which meant it took about a year for it to take control of my life, but as soon as I was able to shoot myself up it really was game over. I'd 'managed' a 10 year long drug addiction pretty okay until then, but I was in outpatient rehab within 6 months of learning to shoot myself. And it literally just happened overnight - one day I couldn't hit a vein to save my life and I'd just have to drink the solution, the next day I managed to hit myself every time I tried. The needle fixation is what brings me back every single time, I just can't get it out of my head. It's seriously not worth it people. Every time I shoot up I'm paranoid for days after that I've fucked my arms up and I'm gonna get some kind of infection or abscess and have to go to the hospital, but I still fucking do it because the ritual is so addictive to me. I think part of it is being autistic - I love setting everything up and the process of using. I've even shot up saline before just to satisfy the urge in my brain. When you get to that point you really know you have an issue, but for some reason I still can't put it down, 7 years later. If I could change one thing I would be saying no that night to that person. Everyone thinks they can handle it, everyone thinks they'll just do it once, but it just grabs you like nothing else. Everything about it stays in my head for months to years after I haven't touched it - I dream about it frequently and wake up craving like mad. The smell of alcohol swabs triggers me like crazy. Every time I go into a blood test I have to psych myself out of going to score afterwards because of the trigger. I don't know what it is about me that made me so addicted to doing it this way, but I will literally sit in a chair sticking myself for two hours trying to find a hit before the fit is clogged with blood and I have to just try and shove it up my ass and see if that works. And that's when you know you've hit rock bottom - when you're sticking a syringe full of meth and your blood up your ass because you've fucked your veins because you didn't drink for 3 days straight on a binge and you never learn.

That being said, if you DO decide to do it, because you're a grown adult and no one can stop you making your own decisions no matter how life changing they might be, make sure that you practice excellent harm reduction. This means washing your hands and arms with soap and water before you use, having a large stash of alcohol swabs because youre going to need to wipe stuff down, maybe multiple times in case you accidentally touch anything (yes anything that isn't completely sterile). Learn what types of water are the most appropriate for IVing, in which order of preference. Try to use sterile water if you can, or cooled boiled water is my next go to. ALWAYS use clean fits. If there is a needle exchange near you, or a way to order bulk syringes for cheap, there is literally no excuse for this. Every time you stick a used fit in your arm you are doing huge damage. If you must re-use, follow the harm reduction steps for doing so - bleach, then hot water. DO NOT SHARE ANYTHING. ANYTHING AT ALL. This isn't the 80's. If you can't supply your own stuff, or you don't have access to fresh works, then you shouldn't be making the choice to do it at all. This includes needles, cottons, bags, cookers, water, tourniquet. EVERYTHING. It really isn't that hard to make sure you're not sharing anything. Clean EVERYTHING with alcohol swabs. Your hands, the needle, the injection site. Always check to see if you register, don't just push out of desperation - you'll waste a shot, and you'll risk your health. Seriously if you can't hit, just plug it. It's the best, and safest way of doing it instead of risking a missed hit and shoving drugs up your ass doesn't make you gay, in this scenario it actually makes you smart. Use vitamin E cream on your track marks once everything is closed over, it'll help them heal faster. I buy compression sleeves to wear to help my veins heal (compression helps) and because I have hypermobility issues no one questions me wearing compression sleeves instead of going baresleeve if I have to cover something up. If you miss, warm compress and massage it, then stick an ice-pack on there and if you need to, GO TO THE ER. It's better than dying. Just tell them what you did. They're more concerned about helping you even if they do judge - but not all of them are like that.

If you do meth, watch out for signs of overamping with IV use. Excessive sweating, blurred vision, extremely fast heart rate, and tiredness. If you feel tired after a shot of meth, you need to be extremely careful because that is a huge sign of danger. If you're lucky, you'll just fall asleep and wake up cooked as fuck 4 hours later and enjoy your delayed high. If you're unlucky, well. You get the picture. If someone overamps physically, they need medical attention. If it's a psychological overarmp (anxiety, paranoia) take them to somewhere quiet and relaxing, and keep them company and reassure them.

If you do opiates, watch for people dropping. Always test your dose and make sure it's not gonna kill you and ALWAYS carry narcan (the spray is the best because anyone can use it). Watch out for shallow breathing, forced breaths, and blue extremities as well as lips. There's no fentanyl with heroin where I live so we are pretty safe, but it's a huge danger in the US.

Push half your shot at a time, wait for it to hit, then if you need to push the rest. Don't just shove it all in your body at once, especially if it's a new source, a new batch, you haven't used in a while, taken a tolerance break, or haven't tested your drugs so you know what's in them. You can always do more - you can't do less. Not overdosing is better than just taking it all because you don't want to 'waste your drugs.' Know your limits.

Miscellaneous

For me, I've found my addiction thrives when I am disconnected from people or trying to cope with things in my life (not very successfully - I have a pathologically need to cope avoidantly). If you want recovery, talk to people in recovery and learn what things worked for them and what didn't. If you're not into 12 steps (I certainly am not, I hate that programme), then maybe try something like SMART Recovery. I myself am going to hit up a meeting next week to help me sort some things out. There's so many different ways of getting sober now it's crazy, and there's sure to be something that suits you. Also, don't be afraid of Medication Assisted Treatment when you're trying to recover from opiates. It's not just 'swapping one drug for another' I can guarantee you that. I finished a law degree on Medication Assisted Treatment - I would have dropped out if I hadn't. That shit saved my life multiple times, my only mistake was thinking I could just use it short term instead of taking my 10 year long opiate addiction more seriously and realizing I need more than 6 months to get my shit together. This time I'm planning on staying on it between 2-5 years to really settle down and get things sorted. There's no shame in using these amazing medications, as prescribed, to stop yourself from abusing opiates. I have a job, I see friends, I function. I have a law degree. I actually have 2 other degrees as well. I volunteer, I'm a mentor. All of these things for me were possible through Suboxone and Buvidal (the monthly injection). My mind is not affected by it - I don't get stoned, I don't feel it at all. It just means I don't have to fight it every day. I tried the hard way and I could never do it. I'd rather get a monthly injection for 5 years than endlessly relapse, get clean, relapse, get clean, and never make progress. Before Maintenance therapy, my life was just getting money to score, use, recover from using, miss work, then have to scab money from people. I was miserable. Now, I actually have a life. I'm glad that some people can find recovery without the use of Maintenance Therapy, and good on them. But I couldn't and I won't accept the shit they have against me using a gold standard, evidence based treatment to live my life to the fullest.

My family don't know about the true extent of my addiction. They thought I stopped at 17 when they found out about the weed and the cough syrup and they sent me to 12 Step Groups and some dumb psychiatrist I was seeing told them that 'addiction sometimes skips a generation' (referring to my alcoholic grandfather) and that my addiction was 'genetic'. It wasn't, it was a result of physical pain, and extensive child abuse from 5 onwards, and also being transgender in a family where one of my parents was NOT okay with that (and still treats me life shit because of it a lot of the time). If anyone had bothered to ever ask me WHY I used drugs when I was earlier, maybe it would never have gotten to the point it did. It escalated rapidly when I ran away from home at 21 after my older brother got kicked out and I knew the anger would be directed towards me next. I was homeless and couch-surfing and that's when I fell in with a real heavy using crowd and my addiction took off. Those were some real dark days. But my family didn't notice, because they're completely oblivious. I went and saw my parents for dinner one Friday night after using meth all week. I'd lost around 15kg in 2 months at this stage (I eventually lost 20kg in around 2 months from meth, heroin, poverty and homelessness), and because I'd gotten overweight when I was overseas, when my dad saw me (after I'd been up 4 days straight) the first words out of his mouth were 'you've lost so much weight you look fantastic.' That's the type of oblivious we are dealing with here. He couldn't even comprehend that his 21 year old kid was losing 2-3kg a week because he had no money for food, was taking meth and heroin every day, had no stable accomodation, and that was the reason for the rapid weight loss. I haven't ever felt the need to correct them at this stage. And I never will.

That's me.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

It's the same fucking story as everyone else at the end of the day.

Remove all the details and at the end of the day we just wanted to feel different and be different people.than who.we are

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

^^^^ Exactly.


There's no past "trauma" that caused me to be an addict or any of that psycho-babble.


The past few weeks I wake up and just feel like shit all day long. That desire to "feel different" comes from this. It's annoying to feel the same all the time.
It's sober people I can't understand. The boredom & anhedonia is so extreme that it makes me impulsive.


Unfortunately all I can find around me is meth, which I feel (or hope) I'm at a point now where I can say no to it no matter how shitty I feel, cause in the end it just makes me feel worse.
Even a heroin binge would be more enjoyable than a meth binge (always has been for me).

Technically I'm not "sober", since I take subs, gabapentin, clonazepam and thc daily. But even just these things are my "sober" baseline now a days, which is only mildly better than what my "sober baseline" was before.


Society can take their "staying clean" morality and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

^^^^ Exactly.


There's no past "trauma" that caused me to be an addict or any of that psycho-babble.


The past few weeks I wake up and just feel like shit all day long. That desire to "feel different" comes from this. It's annoying to feel the same all the time.
It's sober people I can't understand. The boredom & anhedonia is so extreme that it makes me impulsive.


Unfortunately all I can find around me is meth, which I feel (or hope) I'm at a point now where I can say no to it no matter how shitty I feel, cause in the end it just makes me feel worse.
Even a heroin binge would be more enjoyable than a meth binge (always has been for me).

Technically I'm not "sober", since I take subs, gabapentin, clonazepam and thc daily. But even just these things are my "sober" baseline now a days, which is only mildly better than what my "sober baseline" was before.


Society can take their "staying clean" morality and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

Ppl that are clueless on drugs think it's a moral issue. These same people will destroy themselves with junk food, no excercise, obesity, and cigs. The only "immoral" thing is what we are doing to ourselves. There are millions of addicts that don't harm others to get their fix and we get lumped in with the few hustler addicts that create the idea thar addiction automatically equals stealing cars.

Destroying one's self in any way possible is anyone's choice. Wanna go high alpine mountain climbing during avalanche season on K2?....go ahead and destroy yourself.

I view it more as an inner morality of what is going to cost me the least misery moving forward. Abusing drugs or living in my boredom, pain, or uncomfortablmess. Of course it's the latter. And that's me looking out for myself and we'll being. That's about as close to "morality" as it gets.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Ppl that are clueless on drugs think it's a moral issue. These same people will destroy themselves with junk food, no excercise, obesity, and cigs. The only "immoral" thing is what we are doing to ourselves. There are millions of addicts that don't harm others to get their fix and we get lumped in with the few hustler addicts that create the idea thar addiction automatically equals stealing cars.

Destroying one's self in any way possible is anyone's choice. Wanna go high alpine mountain climbing during avalanche season on K2?....go ahead and destroy yourself.

I view it more as an inner morality of what is going to cost me the least misery moving forward. Abusing drugs or living in my boredom, pain, or uncomfortablmess. Of course it's the latter. And that's me looking out for myself and we'll being. That's about as close to "morality" as it gets.

I honestly couldn't agree more.

 

[user177839]

Hello I’m posting because I need help and don’t know what to do. I’ve been using street fentanyl for about 2-3 years everyday. Now I use .2-.5 grams a day. I have also been on methadone for over a year now my dosage was at 169mgs, but it’s dropped to 135 because I don’t want to risk the heart issues that the doctors claim that happen at dosages over 150mgs. I thought I would be able to stop fent when I got on methadone but the doctors started me on such a low dose it didn’t help so I kept using to stay well. Now I’ve been struggling with trying to stop the fentanyl and just be on the methadone but it’s been so hard mostly because of fear from past withdrawals going cold Turkey(didn’t go through with it and started using after day 3 because I didn’t want to feel that way anymore) I’m afraid of having to feel that way again. But now i want to try to cold turkey fentanyl and rely on the methadone but I’m scared of getting those withdrawals again. I also have mixed feelings about methadone because I don’t want to be stuck on that and I’ve heard it’s hard to get off of and the WD’s are horrible. So at this point I dont know if I should try going cold Turkey off of both or only doing one at a time. I’m just at this point where I’m sick of it and I dont want to have to rely on anything to feel normal anymore. I just would like for someone to give me their thoughts about it and the best way to go through with this. I’m willing to try other medications that aren’t any type of opioid to try to get through the WD’s. It just sucks cause I don’t even think I could find the time to withdrawal and I’m just so lost right now. I’m a full time engineering student and so I have to keep up with my work, currently I’m doing my gen Ed online but I still have to spend a lot of time doing homework. So this also makes it hard because I have to try to plan my withdrawal around my schooling and I don’t know how I should quit. I speak to a counselor for 50 minutes on the phone once a week through the clinic and she’s some fresh out of school counselor who’s probably never touched a drug before and doesn’t know what addiction feels like and the first half of the time is the usual how are you what’s been going on how’s your use type of thing then she tells me I just need to stop using then the rest of the time is spent waiting for her to write it all down then maybe for the last 10 minutes she reads out of a book and so I have no guidance there and I don’t know anyone who’s gone through a similar situation to help me through it and give me advice. So I’m coming here hoping that anyone could give help me, support me, give me advice, or just any type of help. Thanks.