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Mental Health Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

Atelier3 said:
It's probably a lot better to keep talking to your therapist about it until you aren't having violent thoughts about your co-worker. The thing about therapy is eventually you find the thing you are angry about isn't actually the thing you think is making you angry. It's something older and deeper. A therapist should keep asking questions to give you new directions to explore in yourself as you work out what's really bugging you deep down.
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Sorry Atelier, I'm not trying to promote violence, I was just expressing a part of my past.

As I've gotten older I've gotten smarter, I no longer have those violent thoughts or want to get into fights, the guy just rubs me the wrong way, he doesn't make me want to grab something and beat him with it or get into a physical fight, I'm past those days and just want peace in my life, and when you have anxiety you don't get that peace, it's always a feeling of dread, but it's lessened now, a bit.
 
Today was a very bad mental health day, and I knew it was going to be from the moment I woke up. I was just really grumpy. Luckily my partner slept in, so I had a few hours to myself to let the steam cool off before he got up, so to speak haha. So he didn't cop any unnecessary flack.
My partner and I are actively trying to conceive, which is lovely and exciting, but my period is due tomorrow. I've been tracking and recording all my physical symptoms and changes as well as my mood changes the last few months, and today's terrible moods could easily be because I'm getting my period tomorrow or Tuesday, OR it could mean I'm pregnant. We are severely hoping the latter, obviously!
Anyway, we had some studio time for me to lay down some vocals for a new track my partner is producing at the moment. He's got a couple of months to do it, it's not a rush and no big deal. But I couldn't get it on the first few takes and I am so batshit crazy from the hormones today that I just put my hands up and walked straight out of the studio and was like "NUP it's not gonna work out today! My voice sounds like total shit! Let's try another day!" then went and cried about it for half an hour......
Lol whaaaaat???? 🤣 I've been a singer all my life and I know very well that sometimes it doesn't work out instantly, if at all. AND I am never EVER a diva like that!!! So...I'm either losing my mind, or I'm pregnant LMAO
 
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I had one of many arguments with my psychotic girlfriend, where my anxiety skyrocketed through the roof I took so may Benzos, 6mg Etizolam 8 mg Xanax 700mg somas and 75mg to sleep she had me so fucked up I literally felt like putting my fists through the wall. But restrained myself, all those Benzos I took my nerves were in hyperdrive that I felt like I took nothing.

It’s not the first time she’s done this to me, then she acts like nothing happens, and leaves for work and expects everything to be normal afterwards like nothing happened.

She’s one of my anxiety problems, I’m done with therapy and handling my issues my own way.
 
n3ophy7e said:
Today was a very bad mental health day, and I knew it was going to be from the moment I woke up. I was just really grumpy. Luckily my partner slept in, so I had a few hours to myself to let the steam cool off before he got up, so to speak haha. So he didn't cop any unnecessary flack.
My partner and I are actively trying to conceive, which is lovely and exciting, but my period is due tomorrow. I've been tracking and recording all my physical symptoms and changes as well as my mood changes the last few months, and today's terrible moods could easily be because I'm getting my period tomorrow or Tuesday, OR it could mean I'm pregnant. We are severely hoping the latter, obviously!
Anyway, I was so batshit crazy from the hormones today that we had some studio time for me to lay down some vocals for a new track my partner is producing at the moment. He's got a couple of months to do it, it's not rush and no big deal. But I couldn't get it on the first few takes and I just put my hands up and walked out of the studio and was like "NUP it's not gonna work out today! My voice sounds like total shit! Let's try another day!" then went and cried about it for half an hour......
Lol whaaaaat???? 🤣 I've been a singer all my life and I know very well that sometimes it doesn't work out instantly, if at all. AND I am never EVER a diva like that!!! So...I'm either losing my mind, or I'm pregnant LMAO
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As someone who sings and plays piano and guitar I know this struggle pretty well. Some days I just cannot produce the music I want. Other times I surprise myself with how well I play or sing - especially with guitar (which I've only recently picked up). Still gotta build up some calluses to play longer; right now I just play every other day and give my fingers a rest on the in-between. I play mostly improv.

-

Today I woke up at my brother's house and had to do a double take because it may be one of the first times I've slept four consecutive hours in a long time.
No thanks to Wellbutrin, a medication designed to help with smoking cessation and depression (I was administered it because I was caught "talking to myself"...??), my sleep over the last nine years has gone as follows: I would sleep about 30 minutes, wake up, go back to sleep, wake up after 30 minutes and so on. This was so frustrating and tiring and for almost all those years I rarely ever woke up fully rested. Finally as I'm coming off AP's I caught a break! Yahoo! I hope one of these days I'll stop taking naps too to see if I can spend a good eight hours without waking up in between.
 
feeling pretty shitty, "mate" who was drinking seen a girl i was talking too, i mentioned to him that i deleted her number as it was causing me anxiety because her current bf was getting upset her talking to me, hell i wasn't even talking to her about anything other than trying to source ketamine ... not worth the time i said, he rings me today, in the pub, obviously drunk, oh someone isn't happy with you, im like what?

he puts her on the phone, mentioned to her i deleted her number .. im like mannn, why are people soooo hard, i surround myself with people who are not after my best interests at heart it feels sometimes. im better than that, i must be strong but i feel like some kind of self destructive ways (why do we get those feelings?)

So annoying and frustrating sometimes, its only my perception aswell.

Life is as hard as u make it and i always seem to make it hard

Wont be touching any drugs though i feel like scoring something to take my mind off things, again this is where discipline kicks in i guess. trying my best to keep my mental health as stable as possible :/

stay safe
 
LordOfThisWorld said:
I had one of many arguments with my psychotic girlfriend, where my anxiety skyrocketed through the roof I took so may Benzos, 6mg Etizolam 8 mg Xanax 700mg somas and 75mg to sleep she had me so fucked up I literally felt like putting my fists through the wall. But restrained myself, all those Benzos I took my nerves were in hyperdrive that I felt like I took nothing.

It’s not the first time she’s done this to me, then she acts like nothing happens, and leaves for work and expects everything to be normal afterwards like nothing happened.

She’s one of my anxiety problems, I’m done with therapy and handling my issues my own way.
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No opinion or comment?
 
im sorry you experienced some severe anxiety. i am no good with girls or at least i have had a pretty torrid time with females in my life so i am not one to give advice in that department but i will say that being with your "psychotic girlfriend" must be hard to deal with at times.

we are always learning with what triggers our anxiety, its a very long process and sometimes therapy with the right person can be beneficial.

Seen as you dont want to go down that route, being in a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with some sort of psychosis must be extremely hard, understanding that person is very important imo if you want to succeed at that relationship.

the taking benzos is a response i would also take, i also go into this sort of response, and i know im stronger than that, but i lack discipline at times. We are constantly learning.

I hope you and your girlfriend can work out this problem that is having a detrimental effect on your mental health

also remember that sometimes we need help, its ok to need help sometimes we lack understanding in some things because we have not learnt them. Saying that the human brain is the biggest mystery on this planet and its something that we might not ever fully understand!


working out why you felt like you did and why you felt like you needed to take so many benzos is something you should explore, i hope everything gets better soon, remember also without change nothing will change <3
 
I took a lot of drugs in the last two weeks. Everything from LSD to sketchy MDMA to Meth to Ketamine. Generally all in a long run progressing through that order over a few days. I got really worried that I’d gone too far because in subsequent nights I’ve had really bad night night terrors and sleep paralysis (or else insomnia) as well as tinnitus and dizzyness during the daytime. I was getting quite panicky until it occurred to me it was most likely Antipsychotic Withdrawal Syndrome that was giving me all the horrible feelings. I had basically stopped taking Abilify a few weeks ago with only a tablet taken here and there on days when I was taking no drugs. Pretty fucking stupid really.

Now I’ve had no drugs for about 4 or 5 days but also no antipsychotics except really low doses of seroquel to try and sleep. I don’t know whether to push through the horrible feelings and actually get off Abilify or see if restarting it makes me feel normal again. I’ve been reading studies that say discontinuation of second generation antipsychotics should be done gradually over perhaps a YEAR.

It’s easier to manage the terror now I’ve realised what it most likely actually is.
 
@Atelier3 how many days has it been now without taking Abilify?? If you're already starting to feel better I say stick with it and try to ride it out. What do you think?
 
n3ophy7e said:
@Atelier3 how many days has it been now without taking Abilify?? If you're already starting to feel better I say stick with it and try to ride it out. What do you think?
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I’m not 100 % sure. I’ve been taking doses just randomly. Maybe once or twice a week. I took a half dose last night to see if would alleviate my symptoms and got some reasonable sleep. I think I’ll keep trying too wean off it.
 
Atelier3 said:
I’m not 100 % sure. I’ve been taking doses just randomly. Maybe once or twice a week. I took a half dose last night to see if would alleviate my symptoms and got some reasonable sleep. I think I’ll keep trying too wean off it.
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What's your plan after that mate? You gonna stay unmedicated, or try something else, or just see how you go?
The night terrors could have been caused by a combination of things, one of which being the MDMA use. I have always had sleep paralysis frequently, my whole life, for as long as I can recall. But whenever I have MDMA it is significantly worse.
 
n3ophy7e said:
What's your plan after that mate? You gonna stay unmedicated, or try something else, or just see how you go?
The night terrors could have been caused by a combination of things, one of which being the MDMA use. I have always had sleep paralysis frequently, my whole life, for as long as I can recall. But whenever I have MDMA it is significantly worse.
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I want to be free of psychiatric meds for a while and have all my cognitive abilities (such as they are) and my motivation back online for a while to finally finish my thesis. A solid 6 months is all I need to consolidate over 3 years work and finally pass my PhD.

I’ve worked out that the psych meds are holding me back as much as the meth. They also enable the meth and the meth enables all other kinds of risk taking behaviour. The only upside of the psych meds is they most likely prevent any real permanent neurotoxicity from so much meth. It’s fucking reprehensible I was put on them just to prevent mania when I hadn’t had a psychotic episode for more than 10 years.

My psychiatrist is the laziest bastard and wouldn’t know an agonist from an antagonist. He just lays one drug over another to deal with side effects. The next thing you know you’re on half a dozen different psychoactive/neuroleptic substances.

They have had other benefits like controlling intrusive thoughts but the layered side effects are too much. They maybe made sense when I had to hold down a job and a relationship but I’m past that now. If I’m a bit crazy around the edges there’s not so much at stake anymore. And without the stress of jobs and relationships I’m pretty unlikely to be triggered into psychosis again.

So i want to get through this antipsychotic withdrawal syndrome and possibly trip a few more times on quality LSD to reset and re-embed my mind, personality, character, and emotions in line with something I’m more comfortable with (I’ve got goals with respect to all those things). After that it’s hopefully finish my academic work, take no meth, not go whoring, save some money, wait for post-Covid travel to open up, and go spend time in the UK and France for a few years learning some new field to keep life interesting.
 
I think I might be feeling a little better, just have to get over the fact on dwelling on this coworker of mine who's a narcissist, who basically just started and according to him he knows everything and when you try to explain something to him he knows but then when he goes to do it, he screws up and the paperwork that goes with it, real piece of shit, one good note is that he's been reprimanded so it's not all in my mind, the higher ups are onto him.

I'm not an asshole, I don't want the guy to lose his job, and I'm really trying to help him on top of his attitude, but the first words out of his mouth are I know how to do that, and that's really bothering me mentally, as I have to keep restraining myself.
 
LordOfThisWorld said:
I'm the opposite, I feel full of anxiety and depressed in the A.M. and a little better in the P.M, depends though, sometimes I feel like shit the entire day, and then when I get home I have to pop pills to feel better.
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When I'm not well mentally, I'm the same, I am anxious and depressed in the morning and generally feel a bit better later in the day.
 
I've managed to cut back on smoking significantly after remaining mindful during a smoke (like a Buddhist who claimed to aid with addictions suggested). I noticed as I mindfully breathed in a few drags with my eyes closed a certain energy between my vision and my eyelid. From there I was able to identify a location in my body I could move from that point and followed a consistent path through twists and turns, noting after several retrogrades of its conveyance that whatever this was was consistent. The flow in other words, did not deviate at all in its pathway. With a certain self-assurance that I had identified something like a meridian that may have had something to do with addiction, I borrowed a technique from Donna Eden's Energy Medicine that actually originated from acupuncture meridians from ancient medicine, and used those techniques to reverse the of the energy. Using deductive reasoning I had theorized that the flow was in reverse because of addiction.

After tracing what I preferred to believe was a [new] meridian, I soon found that my habits were changing and my ability to control my habit with smoking was significantly improved. This has lasted for several days now and I used to be a one-pack a day smoker. I can now get through the day with less than ten.

Due to hitting yet another rut in my practices, however, I've been unsuccessful at retracing the meridian in the proper direction to maintain what I've deemed "good habit forming" in conjunction to finding this meridian, and have subsequently noted another blockage with the same meridian or an adjacent one that is preventing me from maintaining it.

I remain somewhat skeptical at this point because of the sudden setback. The first day I traced the meridian several times over and had the best results, going six hours at a time without a single cigarette. The last few days have not gone as well.

As soon as the apparent blockage is removed I might have more success. However, quitting smoking entirely seems to be a bit of a bridge too far.

I started smoking at 16
 
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