Mental Health Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

[LordOfThisWorld]

Depression is hitting really hard right now. I have 0 energy and I can barely get out of bed because I feel so physically sick, and I have to be at work in an hour and a half and just the thought of that makes me want to burst into tears. Life feels so bleak and everything seems so pointless so why do I even bother with anything? If only I had some opioids or dissociatives I could make myself feel decent enough to go to work...

I know how you feel, I feel like that everyday, I'm sorry you have to be going through this, I get up everyday with a pain in my chest from anxiety.

Have you tried counseling? I did yesterday for the first time, and my counselor said he's going to help me with coping skills and how to deal with these emotions, I'm curious to see how this is going to work, I had to do it as I needed someone to talk to,my mind is my own worst enemy.

I hope things get better for you SAT4N, try talking to a clinical Psychologist, maybe they can help you and refer you to a psychiatrist that can prescribe you meds.

 

[LordOfThisWorld]

Have you tried meditation? That was the only thing that could calm my inner voice.
There are guided meditations on YouTube that you can.watch.
I just wanna give you a hug I know how it feels..

No I have never tried meditation, I started my sessions with my counselor yesterday, he said he is going to help me with coping skills, breathing exercises and such.

Thank you for your kindness, that is really nice of you, I'm glad this thread exists where we can support one another.

I know I'm kind of new to this thread, but I would like to get to know you all and also help comfort you all, the feeling of dread has lead me to some crazy thoughts.

 

[LordOfThisWorld]

That's it's started again. It is an abuse cycle then... I just thought a fresh start would have done us good but it's as if he has been waiting to strike at the right time.... What have I become I used to be happy-go-lucky and positive. Oh well day in bed for me as been sapped of all energy. Really hard to function when your man is in your face psychotically screaming in your face so loud I think I'm gonna go death. He won't mark me because he doesn't wanna go back to jail even although I probably wouldn't get him done e.g. Didn't the last time he nearly bit my lip off it felt like I can still feel the scar inside my mouth, he also dragged me by the hair. I told him my dad had done that to me as well (I found out after we had been going out for a couple years he had CS for a previous domestic with his ex - the police told me, turned up at my door one day wish they'd told me earlier). Then when he failed to turn up at his CS (community service) he was remanded for a month and I went to visit him every week.

I hardly even drank much last night as well I had half a bottle of vodka and left it at that. Now I just want to take all my diazepam and get steaming and it's only 11.11

I know I have my problems but I try to keep my music down at night and I'm not an aggressive drunk or anything. He likes me blackout drunk so he can do what he wants with me e.g. steal off me, then the next day shout at me....
Then suck up my bum if he wants something...
And me like the idiot that I've become give in because I'm so sick of everything,
want an easy life in that moment and scared to be alone deep down.
It's like even the possibility of leaving him seems too much as that would be one big hassle/worry of itself due to the suicide threats/hitting himself an shouting and making me feel like everything's my fault. I obviously can't make him happy. I feel like shit.

I'll say it once as well cause I've been thinking a lot about it but I don't wanna think about it but I've been feeling a bit suicidal as if I was just waiting for shit to hit the fan and now it has I'm really sick of this to the point I wish my family didn't love me so I could just end it all. Any future pain grievance etc etc I wouldn't need to feel it or fear feeling it anymore. It's just really difficult to do that to my mum.

I suppose il wait it out for my heart monitor coming next week and hopefully nothing else comes back - ECG was slightly off last time. I've got to take it easy and stress free just now lmao he knows

I have to pretend all the time so as not to worry my family as well which is a mind fuck.


.... Edit decided fuckit I'm gonna be rough tomorrow though

So sorry you have to go through this iTry91, if I may ask, I'm new to this thread, why stay with someone like that?

 

[stardust10]

Thanks ^
I dunno I guess I'm a hopeless romantic/stupid/weak/scared/lonely/insecure etc etc so yeah I'm in a great place haha. and it's been a journey to say the least. I know I sound/I can be a self-centred person but I have been through a lot (obviously there has been worse) but a lot of traumatic experiences that have led me to this point. We met whilst homeless and off our tits I had just been thrown out of my family's after briefly moving in with them after another traumatic event with my ex which I can't really think about just now lol.
Things got better for a year or so then worse again. I'm a hopeful person. That's probably why I've stayed 5years. He has just started getting mental health help though so I'm trying to formulate a plan which will benefit us both.
I should leave him I just don't feel strong enough and I don't want him to actually follow through with his threats of suicide. I feel suicidal myself sometimes though and my physical health is suffering/future plans to study nursing have kids etc ....so it's getting to a point but I'm still stuck. Love has no logic but I should treat myself better.

I hope you are feeling ok?

 

[Zephyn]

Shitty

 

[stardust10]

Hope you feel better soon ^

 

[on.my.way🌿]

You how I told you my dealer wanted to meet the other day. He asked if his friends could come..
The dealer barely talked to me, only his other dealer-friend (Lets call him H) talked to me. It ended with the dealer and H having sex with me at the same time. I did consent and stuff but yeah.
Wierd thing is i remember almost everything before and some after the sex but not during oh.well. H have asked me 3 days in a row now if i want to meet (he wants to take mdma together and "use me" as he so nicely put it.) But he always stops.responding every time when the evening comes. i aint even interesting enough for that i guess.
it's like a swedish holiday today and i have fucking nobody to be with im so fucking sad lol i hear people drunk outside having fun and stuff and i have just been sitting in bed all day stuffed full of tramadol, benso and sadness.
I just want a friend or someone that wants to spend some time with me besides having sex. I want someone to make me tea, wrap me in a blanket and stroke my hair

 

[SAT4N_420]

I know how you feel, I feel like that everyday, I'm sorry you have to be going through this, I get up everyday with a pain in my chest from anxiety.

Have you tried counseling? I did yesterday for the first time, and my counselor said he's going to help me with coping skills and how to deal with these emotions, I'm curious to see how this is going to work, I had to do it as I needed someone to talk to,my mind is my own worst enemy.

I hope things get better for you SAT4N, try talking to a clinical Psychologist, maybe they can help you and refer you to a psychiatrist that can prescribe you meds.

I was actually already going to a psychiatrist and she had given me a prescription with 3 refills. I had already gone through 2 of those refills and when I tried to get the last refill I found out that she stopped working where I was being treated and because of that my prescriptions were no longer valid and couldn't be refilled until I went and got an appointment with a new psychiatrist who could write a new prescription. I mean, I was still feeling depressed with the medication but it was less intense, and since I ended up running out of medication and didn't want to deal with feeling worse than I already did I started using heroin which worked great and at the very least I felt good enough to be able to work but I ran out of that 3 days ago and I can't buy more until next week so now I'm back to feeling hopelessly depressed...

As for counseling, well, I haven't tried it yet because I'm very bad at trusting and emotionally opening up to people. Online it's easier because no one knows my true identity unless I tell them. In real life on the other hand I can't hide my identity, and the thought of possibly trusting the wrong person who might use something I tell the against me somehow...It's such an intense fear that I have literally not been emotionally close or even vented about anything remotely personal at someone in real life in years, I guess at this point you could call it a phobia. It's a miracle I was even able to describe my mental disorder symptoms to the psychiatrist enough for her to give me a diagnosis...and even then I felt so anxious that I just had a strong urge to just run away and hide. Counseling would involve more frequent appointments and talking about even more personal stuff, I don't think I could handle that much anxiety.

You how I told you my dealer wanted to meet the other day. He asked if his friends could come..
The dealer barely talked to me, only his other dealer-friend (Lets call him H) talked to me. It ended with the dealer and H having sex with me at the same time. I did consent and stuff but yeah.
Wierd thing is i remember almost everything before and some after the sex but not during oh.well. H have asked me 3 days in a row now if i want to meet (he wants to take mdma together and "use me" as he so nicely put it.) But he always stops.responding every time when the evening comes. i aint even interesting enough for that i guess.
it's like a swedish holiday today and i have fucking nobody to be with im so fucking sad lol i hear people drunk outside having fun and stuff and i have just been sitting in bed all day stuffed full of tramadol, benso and sadness.
I just want a friend or someone that wants to spend some time with me besides having sex. I want someone to make me tea, wrap me in a blanket and stroke my hair

I know how you're feeling, I'm pretty much feeling the same way right now. I tried to get out of bed to at least do something fun like play video games but I just can't enjoy anything so I'm back in bed feeling miserable and lonely.

 

[LordOfThisWorld]

Thanks ^
I dunno I guess I'm a hopeless romantic/stupid/weak/scared/lonely/insecure etc etc so yeah I'm in a great place haha. and it's been a journey to say the least. I know I sound/I can be a self-centred person but I have been through a lot (obviously there has been worse) but a lot of traumatic experiences that have led me to this point. We met whilst homeless and off our tits I had just been thrown out of my family's after briefly moving in with them after another traumatic event with my ex which I can't really think about just now lol.
Things got better for a year or so then worse again. I'm a hopeful person. That's probably why I've stayed 5years. He has just started getting mental health help though so I'm trying to formulate a plan which will benefit us both.
I should leave him I just don't feel strong enough and I don't want him to actually follow through with his threats of suicide. I feel suicidal myself sometimes though and my physical health is suffering/future plans to study nursing have kids etc ....so it's getting to a point but I'm still stuck. Love has no logic but I should treat myself better.

I hope you are feeling ok?

Thank you and I truly hope things get better for you, it made me sad when I read your posts, no deserves that kind of abuse, I'm feeling a little better, let's hope this clinical psychologist helps.

 

[LordOfThisWorld]

You how I told you my dealer wanted to meet the other day. He asked if his friends could come..
The dealer barely talked to me, only his other dealer-friend (Lets call him H) talked to me. It ended with the dealer and H having sex with me at the same time. I did consent and stuff but yeah.
Wierd thing is i remember almost everything before and some after the sex but not during oh.well. H have asked me 3 days in a row now if i want to meet (he wants to take mdma together and "use me" as he so nicely put it.) But he always stops.responding every time when the evening comes. i aint even interesting enough for that i guess.
it's like a swedish holiday today and i have fucking nobody to be with im so fucking sad lol i hear people drunk outside having fun and stuff and i have just been sitting in bed all day stuffed full of tramadol, benso and sadness.
I just want a friend or someone that wants to spend some time with me besides having sex. I want someone to make me tea, wrap me in a blanket and stroke my hair

I just stopped taking painkillers, Oxys and Tramadol, because of a surgery I had, I was careful not too get hooked on that stuff, I had to order some online, Tramadol that is, the first batch was good, the second batch were fakes I had to flush them down the toilet and they weren't cheap, I liked the Tramadols better than the oxys to be honest,they seemed to last longer and the nod was better.

The Benzos I have to continue to take, or I'll literally jump out of my skin because of the anxiety. If I lived by you I'd be your friend and you wouldn't have to be used like that, I'm praying things better for you and you find someone genuine who will help you and care for you.

 

[LordOfThisWorld]

I was actually already going to a psychiatrist and she had given me a prescription with 3 refills. I had already gone through 2 of those refills and when I tried to get the last refill I found out that she stopped working where I was being treated and because of that my prescriptions were no longer valid and couldn't be refilled until I went and got an appointment with a new psychiatrist who could write a new prescription. I mean, I was still feeling depressed with the medication but it was less intense, and since I ended up running out of medication and didn't want to deal with feeling worse than I already did I started using heroin which worked great and at the very least I felt good enough to be able to work but I ran out of that 3 days ago and I can't buy more until next week so now I'm back to feeling hopelessly depressed...

As for counseling, well, I haven't tried it yet because I'm very bad at trusting and emotionally opening up to people. Online it's easier because no one knows my true identity unless I tell them. In real life on the other hand I can't hide my identity, and the thought of possibly trusting the wrong person who might use something I tell the against me somehow...It's such an intense fear that I have literally not been emotionally close or even vented about anything remotely personal at someone in real life in years, I guess at this point you could call it a phobia. It's a miracle I was even able to describe my mental disorder symptoms to the psychiatrist enough for her to give me a diagnosis...and even then I felt so anxious that I just had a strong urge to just run away and hide. Counseling would involve more frequent appointments and talking about even more personal stuff, I don't think I could handle that much anxiety.


I know how you're feeling, I'm pretty much feeling the same way right now. I tried to get out of bed to at least do something fun like play video games but I just can't enjoy anything so I'm back in bed feeling miserable and lonely.

I know how you feel about trusting people, but I had to do it, because my anxiety was getting so much worse the Benzos weren't working and I don't want to take more than I should because I'll run out and I don't want my doctor cutting me off, and I don't know any dealers and I've had to rely on the internet for painkillers because of a surgery I had and the damn doctors are heartless now and only gave me 15 oxys and wouldn't give me anymore and I couldn't take the pain so I got some Tramadols online, the first batch were good, the second were fake, so I stopped doing that, as I threw my money down the toilet, at least the vendor was kind enough to compensate me with xanax instead for my loss which I keep as a back up in case I have to take more of the meds that I'm prescribed for my anxiety, which I try really hard not too, but in reality I'm looking to get off all these meds all together, it's the real reason I'm talking to this counselor, to see if he really helps me control my emotions.

I'm hoping things get better for you and somehow all of us talking to each other helps, this world can be a cruel place.

 

[SAT4N_420]

I know how you feel about trusting people, but I had to do it, because my anxiety was getting so much worse the Benzos weren't working and I don't want to take more than I should because I'll run out and I don't want my doctor cutting me off, and I don't know any dealers and I've had to rely on the internet for painkillers because of a surgery I had and the damn doctors are heartless now and only gave me 15 oxys and wouldn't give me anymore and I couldn't take the pain so I got some Tramadols online, the first batch were good, the second were fake, so I stopped doing that, as I threw my money down the toilet, at least the vendor was kind enough to compensate me with xanax instead for my loss which I keep as a back up in case I have to take more of the meds that I'm prescribed for my anxiety, which I try really hard not too, but in reality I'm looking to get off all these meds all together, it's the real reason I'm talking to this counselor, to see if he really helps me control my emotions.

I'm hoping things get better for you and somehow all of us talking to each other helps, this world can be a cruel place.

I'm so sorry you had to endure pain like that, it's so sad to see the state that the controlled substance prescribing system is in, and seeing how people have to suffer because of it. Then the government wonders the number of overdoses are shooting up, as if giving people insufficient medications or cutting people off entirely from their medications is just going to make them take less or stop. Obviously they end up turning to sketchy sources where they risk getting fake drugs like you did, or powders and pills pressed or laced with who knows what, fentanyl and its analogous being the worst since they can very easily kill you. I honestly wonder a lot about how long it will take before we have sensible drug laws but I digress, I do wish you the best with the counseling, hopefully you're right and it does help you feel better. Maybe someday I'll be able to go get this irrational fear under control enough to be able to start going with a counselor, but that's not happening anytime soon so until then, I don't think I have any option other than to resort to drugs to keep me going.

 

[LordOfThisWorld]

I'm so sorry you had to endure pain like that, it's so sad to see the state that the controlled substance prescribing system is in, and seeing how people have to suffer because of it. Then the government wonders the number of overdoses are shooting up, as if giving people insufficient medications or cutting people off entirely from their medications is just going to make them take less or stop. Obviously they end up turning to sketchy sources where they risk getting fake drugs like you did, or powders and pills pressed or laced with who knows what, fentanyl and its analogous being the worst since they can very easily kill you. I honestly wonder a lot about how long it will take before we have sensible drug laws but I digress, I do wish you the best with the counseling, hopefully you're right and it does help you feel better. Maybe someday I'll be able to go get this irrational fear under control enough to be able to start going with a counselor, but that's not happening anytime soon so until then, I don't think I have any option other than to resort to drugs to keep me going.

Thank you SAT4N, I appreciate the kind words, yeah the doctor gave me 15 oxys 5/325 take one every 6 hours, they cut in to my arm and cut a bone spur out and a cyst that was rubbing up against the nerve so the mri showed and the doctor explained.

When I called the doctor's office explaining that the pain medication wasn't working, the doctor's assistant told me I can take two, to numb the pain, how long do you think 15 pills will last taking two every six hours? Not too long, I was calling the doctor again and complaining about the pain and how I'm out of pills and need another script, he said he can't give me anymore and instead the idiot prescribed me Prednisone, you believe that, an anti inflammatory steroid, that did absolutely nothing for the pain, so I got scammed out of $500 bucks and still had to bear the pain, couldn't even lift my arm up, I was taking script strength Ibuprofen 800mg with Arthritis strength Tylenol mixed together to try and ease the pain and it still wouldn't work, the only thing the Ibuprofen did was burn a whole in my stomach.

I thought this doctors took an oat to help people not make them suffer, I don't have nothing on my medical record with opioid abuse or any kind of drug abusewhere it would warrant them to not give the me the quantity of pain meds I needed, they are heartless, if I had access to a dealer at the time, I would've gone to him for something, Oxycontin whatever painkiller pills he could get me, I literally begged my doctor and the answer was no, I couldn't believe it, that they would put a patient through such pain after cutting into their body and cutting out bone, 15 pills only lasts a couple of days.

Hope things get better for you, and you get something you need to help ease the pain daily causes.

 

[SAT4N_420]

Thank you SAT4N, I appreciate the kind words, yeah the doctor gave me 15 oxys 5/325 take one every 6 hours, they cut in to my arm and cut a bone spur out and a cyst that was rubbing up against the nerve so the mri showed and the doctor explained.

When I called the doctor's office explaining that the pain medication wasn't working, the doctor's assistant told me I can take two, to numb the pain, how long do you think 15 pills will last taking two every six hours? Not too long, I was calling the doctor again and complaining about the pain and how I'm out of pills and need another script, he said he can't give me anymore and instead the idiot prescribed me Prednisone, you believe that, an anti inflammatory steroid, that did absolutely nothing for the pain, so I got scammed out of $500 bucks and still had to bear the pain, couldn't even lift my arm up, I was taking script strength Ibuprofen 800mg with Arthritis strength Tylenol mixed together to try and ease the pain and it still wouldn't work, the only thing the Ibuprofen did was burn a whole in my stomach.

I thought this doctors took an oat to help people not make them suffer, I don't have nothing on my medical record with opioid abuse or any kind of drug abusewhere it would warrant them to not give the me the quantity of pain meds I needed, they are heartless, if I had access to a dealer at the time, I would've gone to him for something, Oxycontin whatever painkiller pills he could get me, I literally begged my doctor and the answer was no, I couldn't believe it, that they would put a patient through such pain after cutting into their body and cutting out bone, 15 pills only lasts a couple of days.

Hope things get better for you, and you get something you need to help ease the pain daily causes.

Thanks, I'm still trying to get through this. I have some kratom right now, I had stored it in a box some time ago and couldn't remember where it was but I finally found it. It's not as strong as heroin at relieving my psychological pain, but it's still better than nothing. For now being alive is at least a bit more bearable.

Anyway, going through all that and only receiving 15 pills for the pain sounds so messed up. It reminds me of when I got my wisdom teeth pulled because they were impacted. I had to get each one taken out during different appointments because they were all very stuck. It was horrible, literally hours worth of bone drilling and tooth prying to get each one out. Worst of all was that I only got local anesthesia which didn't even fully work so I was fully conscious and could still feel a lot of the pain. Obviously I was left in a lot of pain afterwards, to the point that I had trouble opening my mouth and had lots of difficulty eating and sleeping for days. I can't remember if I got ibuprofen or naproxen but either way it was not enough for the pain...ugh, just going through those memories again sends shivers down my spine.

Btw, when you say you bought painkillers online, do you mean from a DNM? If you did get it from a DNM, I would suggest to not let one bad experience ruin them for you, I know that's a lot easier said than done, especially when you lost so much money, but if you don't know any dealers in real life, then DNMs can be a great alternative. Actually, I'd say for pills and certain drugs like LSD, heroin, MDMA, or any other drug that is commonly laced or is falsely advertised, it's actually a better option to buy from a DNM than buying from a street dealer. While it's still possible to encounter fake pills on a DNM it's definitely not as much of a risk compared to street dealer, and usually pills that are pressed are advertised as such, along with what drug is in the pills and what dosage they are. Of course, I can totally understand if you would still be unwilling to try buying from a DNM again (If that is where you got it from), but if the thought doesn't make you too uncomfortable, you could try again but this time buy a smaller amount so you spend less money. Actually, if you did decide to buy benzos from a DNM I would suggest just sticking to small orders if your goal is to eventually stop having to take medication. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this, but benzos are really addictive. If you were to order a large quantity of them, it might be easier to feel comfortable taking more than you need, and that could make it harder to quit altogether in the long run.

Whatever you choose to do in regards to that, I wish you the best of luck. Going completely off medication won't be easy, but if things work out with your counselor and you put in effort, then I'd say you have a pretty good chance of accomplishing it.

 

[LordOfThisWorld]

Thanks, I'm still trying to get through this. I have some kratom right now, I had stored it in a box some time ago and couldn't remember where it was but I finally found it. It's not as strong as heroin at relieving my psychological pain, but it's still better than nothing. For now being alive is at least a bit more bearable.

Anyway, going through all that and only receiving 15 pills for the pain sounds so messed up. It reminds me of when I got my wisdom teeth pulled because they were impacted. I had to get each one taken out during different appointments because they were all very stuck. It was horrible, literally hours worth of bone drilling and tooth prying to get each one out. Worst of all was that I only got local anesthesia which didn't even fully work so I was fully conscious and could still feel a lot of the pain. Obviously I was left in a lot of pain afterwards, to the point that I had trouble opening my mouth and had lots of difficulty eating and sleeping for days. I can't remember if I got ibuprofen or naproxen but either way it was not enough for the pain...ugh, just going through those memories again sends shivers down my spine.

Btw, when you say you bought painkillers online, do you mean from a DNM? If you did get it from a DNM, I would suggest to not let one bad experience ruin them for you, I know that's a lot easier said than done, especially when you lost so much money, but if you don't know any dealers in real life, then DNMs can be a great alternative. Actually, I'd say for pills and certain drugs like LSD, heroin, MDMA, or any other drug that is commonly laced or is falsely advertised, it's actually a better option to buy from a DNM than buying from a street dealer. While it's still possible to encounter fake pills on a DNM it's definitely not as much of a risk compared to street dealer, and usually pills that are pressed are advertised as such, along with what drug is in the pills and what dosage they are. Of course, I can totally understand if you would still be unwilling to try buying from a DNM again (If that is where you got it from), but if the thought doesn't make you too uncomfortable, you could try again but this time buy a smaller amount so you spend less money. Actually, if you did decide to buy benzos from a DNM I would suggest just sticking to small orders if your goal is to eventually stop having to take medication. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this, but benzos are really addictive. If you were to order a large quantity of them, it might be easier to feel comfortable taking more than you need, and that could make it harder to quit altogether in the long run.

Whatever you choose to do in regards to that, I wish you the best of luck. Going completely off medication won't be easy, but if things work out with your counselor and you put in effort, then I'd say you have a pretty good chance of accomplishing it.

Glad you’re getting through this brother, if I may ask what is a DNM? My pain is minimal now so I don’t need the painkillers, I’m okay with over the counter painkillers, just next time I don’t know if I’ll be so quick to get the surgery done, knowing what I know now, unless it’s a matter of life or death situation.

 

[SAT4N_420]

Glad you’re getting through this brother, if I may ask what is a DNM? My pain is minimal now so I don’t need the painkillers, I’m okay with over the counter painkillers, just next time I don’t know if I’ll be so quick to get the surgery done, knowing what I know now, unless it’s a matter of life or death situation.

It's a DarkNet Market. I'll be honest, accessing and buying from one isn't as straightforward as buying something from a regular website, but once you figure out how it all works it'll feel pretty easy to do.

It's good to hear that you don't need any strong painkillers anymore though!

 

[Hannah Capps]

I feel like death warmed over. So very tired, underwhelmed and bleh.

 

[deficiT]

^^ came here to say the exact same thing. Physically I'm alright I guess. Bupe withdrawal seems to have run it's course for the most part. But mentally I'm just blank. So very, very empty. Longing for something more in my life. Something I doubt I can define, much less actually find.

 

[Hannah Capps]

I hear ya deficiT good sir, truly I do hear you, from my bones. Listening to 'Love is Hell' by Ryan Adams is more fitting at 37 than 27.

 

[LordOfThisWorld]

It's a DarkNet Market. I'll be honest, accessing and buying from one isn't as straightforward as buying something from a regular website, but once you figure out how it all works it'll feel pretty easy to do.

It's good to hear that you don't need any strong painkillers anymore though!

I'm too afraid to go on the dark net, don't know how to use it and don't want to.