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F Asians also suffer from addiction

Selena248

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 22, 2021
Messages
52
Hello everyone !

Just call me Selena I guess hahah. I literally saw this show on Netflix called that and decided to use it.
I sorta feel like a lot of people don’t realize Asians also deal with this. Least the dealers I’ve met are super surprised. I think maybe I’m just better at hiding it for a decade from everyone. Then I really became sloppy even then took everyone awhile

I FORGOT TO ADD ONE PART because I think I’m more scared to admit this than anything else. I can tell ppl I was a full blown heroin addict yet I can never tell them this. I’m also bulimic. I’ve been since I was 14. Long fight with this. The mix of the two compliments each other. If you’re reading this and have questions but afraid to ask. Please pm me. I know how an eating disorder can be.

So this is going to be very very long sorry. I’ll put a summary before each part so you can skip the specifics



Please note do not lecture me I know all the consequences of what I’ve done and am doing. I’m sure everyone does but it really doesn’t matter at some point. Thank you



anyways im 34 years old. I’m female Asian Chinese I’m a very small person with an unbelievable tolerance to all medication. 5’2 and maybe 100 pounds ?
when I say all medications it includes anesthesia just everything. Pot and all diff strains I’ve tried do not work like it should on me. It just makes me groggy and moody

ive been misdiagnosed for 32 years with this that blah blah and whatever other crap they want to throw at me.

Couple years ago a neurologist looks at me and I gets an eeg and mri to the brain. All these years I was born w a mass in my brain causing aura seizures. It’s misdiagnosed very often since the symptoms are basically everything. Now I went to him cause my vision and memory was being affected a lot. Imagine if I was treated right in the beginning lol



I moved from China to here when I was 5 I speak both fluent Chinese and english. Had a very rough childhood. A lot of teasing since back then there weren’t a lot of Asians in the town I was in. Then pressure from my parents to be perfect causes me to crack. A lot of verbal and physical abuse when I was young but stopped after I turned 14. My family regrets it but what’s done is done. I don’t blame them I wasn’t exactly a good kid. Just a smart one who was lazy



**(when I started. Met a dr that prescribed 90 30mg blues a month. I ended up finishing it all in a few days then moved onto heroin. Then onto subs )****



12 years ago my ex and I tried Oxys. He took 5mg. I took 15mg. Felt nothing then took another 10mg and felt like I was free from everything. It was as if I had this new energy and motivation for life. I felt like I had the ability to get anything done and for once in my life I believed in myself and was happy.

well that was it. Started to chase the dragon except with my nose. Lol. Back then Oxys and subs were prescribed left and right. I had been pushed down the stairs by a previous ex and found out I had a herniated disk and few bulges. The first doctor kept giving me 5mg so I found another one. I explained to That doc (who didnt take insurance for pain management. Cash only but very legit place) my high tolerance and how I went through the months worth of 5mg in couple days. My MRI came back and basically he was surprised I was standing. So he then put me on 30mg roxi blues 3x a day. Yea that was the first thing he put me on due to me. And that was prob the worst decision on his part

(Finding a pharmacy thar always had 90 blues was hard until a pharmacy

I never got the same high as I did the first time obviously. (Snorting)So first I went through the months worth 90 pills in 10-15 days. Then bought from a dealer. Back then it was way cheaper than now and they were not pressed.

anyways couple months go by I end up finishing 90 pills in 3-4 days.

A very “caring” friend suggested I do heroin. So I’m in the east coast. It’s powder bags. I was getting a diff high. More like a I don’t want to do anything and I feel good sitting here type.

well that habit became costly. At this point I’m just trying to avoid withdrawals. I needed to have a specific amount always. Ocd issues

after almost a year my doc asks me to do a drug test since they r tightening rules for opioids. Great. I did it. Next month he tells me he found other things and I need to be careful. Still refilled me.

I decided I needed to stop. The constant avoiding withdrawals instead of enjoying my high was too much.

I told my doctor. He was like ok let’s get you on subs but you need to be in withdrawal. He prescribed them to me and I did what he told me to do. Worked like magic. I felt that rush again.

so now I’m on subs for months and I began to taper myself off. Eventually I stopped seeing the doctor. I heard a year later his practice got shut down and he was arrested for mal practice. Everyone in that waiting room was prob an addiction whenever I went. Shaking and sweating.

So now I’m 23-24? I’m fine for half a year then I meet someone at work that did coke. Tried it. Wasn’t really my thing but it did remind me of how much I loved Oxys.





So the pattern starts again. Oxys to heroin. I lived w my ex then and he had no clue. My parents had no clue. All those years no one knew.

then back to subs.

couole years go by in fine. And it starts again. This time I remember my MRI for my back came back and one of the doctors was pretty shocked. Back to blues. I mean I felt pain but I have a high tolerance to it too. I just pretended as if I couldn’t walk etc.

so it starts. I stopped seeing that doctor cause drug tests were almost every month and by then I had already switched to heroin



**(back to the h. Now I’m shooting up) **

So again I’m working living a life. I was living by myself then so there was more freedom. But if I had to spend few days far with my parents. I would dump what I got into a small container put it in w my makeup and get through the airport.

sniffing wasn’t enough so someone showed me how to shoot it up. Now that high was something else. However I’m really not good at finding veins. I see these giant ones on me but I just miss.

again during all this time I’ve been working. Project manager too. Living somehow. Sorta dating. Seemingly normal life. Few times I would literally shoot an entire brick i’ll pass out wake up in an hour surprises I wasn’t dead.



**(methadone detox. Then stopping. Meeting someone I couldn’t escape pattern starts )**



I wouldn’t say I was suicidal but to me I felt like I was stealing air from those that deserved it and could contribute more. That sounds suicidal but it’s hard to explain. I just wanted that high

Finally I was like ok I need to stop. I’m making a lot of money and it’s not going to anything else. (I also had a weird spending habit on random things )

There was no way I was going to do a sub detox. I researched and found a methadone clinic. Went there. Such a pain. Drug test. Then you get a dose in the morning. Come back next day. If you’re good for two months you get to take home two days etc etc. I was on 70mg at first. I didn’t feel anything. I mean I was fine. Not with drawling etc. But I was not high. So now I’m trying to get my life back on track. You do get a counselor and I had a great one til she left and I ended up with someone who kept calling me a diff name.

I was on 4 take Homes and decided I needed to stop this. I read a lot about methadone and well yeah. I did the blind 1-5mg reduction a week. They would decide how much not tell me. It worked out well. I ended up having basically a weeks worth of take homes and was on 1mg. So I stopped. Met someone too. Who ended up being extremely abusive mentally. I mean I was already vulnerable. If you want details just ask I rather shorten this a bit





So I started to find happiness else where. Doing molly was a diff high and I could do anything. I had an ex coworker that sold it and coke. So i’ll make the hour drive to their house spend night playing spades and doing endless amounts of drugs and alcohol. Course my ex isn’t happy.

That caused stress and fights. Finally I stopped doing the molly cause it was messing up my emotions way too much. I switched back to heroin. For some reason I just couldn’t leave that relationship. Was almost 3-4 years of stress. Last two years I just drugged myself up. I had my own place but I had moved all my stuff there and ugh.





***(and it all comes out then off to the fast detox)***



Now I’m shooting up. Spending 600 a day again or more. Somehow no one notices for months. He lives with his psycho mom who basically has a way too close relationship w her son. She wanted me out. And went through my things. Took pics and told her son that I left all this out in the open in the bathroom. Right lol. Oh forgot to mention he’s a sheriffs officer. That was uh interesting to say the least. Course his righteous never break the rules except scream at your gf and mom decides to call my dad.

And after a decade of hiding it’s all out in the open.

My parents were understanding after the initial shock. I had a pretty rough childhood and due to it they realized why I was driven to this. My parents told me to find a rehab. I had found this 3-5 day fast detox place. Read about it etc. Super expensive about almost 8k after flights to a diff state. They read on there that i’ll be on naltrexone and my cravings will stop. However I can’t be already withdrawaling when I’m there. The flight and appt was a few days away and my parents let me get barely enough to last me. They took all the needles esp since I am horrible at it my arm looked like it had dunes.

It was hard.

3-4 day detox

Flew there. Sniffed the last as I walked into the appt. Not sure what they gave me but I passed out right after we left and got to the hotel they assigned us. Slept for a really long time. Getting dosed every few hours. Oh they also had me wear a diaper. Actually first time I’ve ever worn one lol. Next day a van picks me and a couple people up. We’re just chatting about shit we did. At the super nice facility they basically put you to sleep and for me did a minor surgical procedure. They put the naltrexone right under my skin. I think it lasts 30 or 90 days I can’t remember. Those days were a blur. I felt like I pooped myself and someone had to change me. Apparently few days had gone by. I felt lethargic and just dead. Not really any withdrawal symptoms like shakes etc. Just tired. Whatever cocktail they kept giving me somehow masked the withdrawal and I passed those few days. However apparently if you take naltrexone while on an opioid you go into pw. I guess they knocked us out so we wouldn’t feel it.

Got back to their house. Had to stay there for obvious reasons. Everyday I felt better. I felt like I didn’t need any drugs. It was working. I then was getting a monthly script for the naltrexone after the one dissolved under my skin. It helped me a lot. But a year went by the doctor there says I can’t prescribe them to you anymore. So you need to ween off. Which I did. But sorta messed up. Apparently if you take it for too long its not good for your health. Not like the other options were better lol



I finally was free of everything (drugs. Abusive men etc) and working at a new job. Couple years go by. Now this point I can really feel the pain in my back now. I had low bone density and this and that. Then I started to have issues w memory. Then find that neurologist etc. On new meds. They’re helping.



So I meet someone who had some coke on him.

Here we go again except this time I had gotten pressed 30s. Wow just wow. What the f did I take lol. It also causes my skin to literally peel off. Somehow ended up doing 10-12 of them a day. I just can’t do this anymore. And I’m still doing coke. Recently I switched to regular blues. Then now on subs. Surprisingly had min withdrawals. Was very strange.... but yeah wow I wrote a book sorry

Any questions etc just let me know !
 
Last edited:
Wow face cause I gotta lot to read. lol just scanned to make sure there were no links to whatever and whatnot.
K
Gonna go back now and read it... bear with me, yes?
Welcome and much love.
Grab a blunt at the door... if you wish... make yerself comfy and see ya inna few, no? Yes? Maybe? lol
one
 
Wow face cause I gotta lot to read. lol just scanned to make sure there were no links to whatever and whatnot.
K
Gonna go back now and read it... bear with me, yes?
Welcome and much love.
Grab a blunt at the door... if you wish... make yerself comfy and see ya inna few, no? Yes? Maybe? lol
one
Lol after I wrote it I was like wow...
 
Here we go again except this time I had gotten pressed 30s. Wow just wow. What the f did I take lol. It also causes my skin to literally peel off. Somehow ended up doing 10-12 of them a day. I just can’t do this anymore. And I’m still doing coke. Recently I switched to regular blues. Then now on subs.
This is promising in that my first thought was, "damn... gettin off that fent may be hell without help from ol' doc" but see that you have gotten back to subs with minimal issues. Great. :)
Well, welcome to BL. Thanks for the intro as there are some very valuable words there and like anything we value and want we have to work/look for it. It's a "story" infused with a need to push back at something that creeps in when not "numbing up".
Lol after I wrote it I was like wow...
So I just reflected your own reaction... cool; as I was hoping it wouldn't be taken the wrong way. :)
Sometimes it's good to get shit of the chest, open up and even vent... it's all allowed and welcomed here. Seems it's actually good for the health. Can be quoted. lol
Imma be on my way for a bit; stuff goins ons and things, ya knaow?
OK, then.
See ya around, hopefully.
Peace
 
This is promising in that my first thought was, "damn... gettin off that fent may be hell without help from ol' doc" but see that you have gotten back to subs with minimal issues. Great. :)
Well, welcome to BL. Thanks for the intro as there are some very valuable words there and like anything we value and want we have to work/look for it. It's a "story" infused with a need to push back at something that creeps in when not "numbing up".

So I just reflected your own reaction... cool; as I was hoping it wouldn't be taken the wrong way. :)
Sometimes it's good to get shit of the chest, open up and even vent... it's all allowed and welcomed here. Seems it's actually good for the health. Can be quoted. lol
Imma be on my way for a bit; stuff goins ons and things, ya knaow?
OK, then.
See ya around, hopefully.
Peace
Hello!
Thanks for your kind words! Na I think after all these years I don’t think I can take anything into offense anymore. I actually decided to finally sign up and wrote because I read a post that asked for others in the same position. The post really reminded me of myself and broke my heart alil. I needed the person to know that he wasn’t alone and this happens more than he thinks.
 
This is promising in that my first thought was, "damn... gettin off that fent may be hell without help from ol' doc" but see that you have gotten back to subs with minimal issues. Great. :)
Well, welcome to BL. Thanks for the intro as there are some very valuable words there and like anything we value and want we have to work/look for it. It's a "story" infused with a need to push back at something that creeps in when not "numbing up".

So I just reflected your own reaction... cool; as I was hoping it wouldn't be taken the wrong way. :)
Sometimes it's good to get shit of the chest, open up and even vent... it's all allowed and welcomed here. Seems it's actually good for the health. Can be quoted. lol
Imma be on my way for a bit; stuff goins ons and things, ya knaow?
OK, then.
See ya around, hopefully.
Peace
I actually forgot one important detail about me. I edited it. I think it’s because this one carries more shame than anything else. I’ve had an eating disorder since I was 13-14. Bulimic etc.
 
Hi and welcome to BL @Selena248! We have a few great forums for recovery and support here. Those are great places to get good feedback from members here that can relate to your story. I’m almost 10 years clean from heroin and methadone/buprenorphine treatment now. It can be done and support (even from anonymous people on the internet) can be helpful.

Hope to see you around.

🧙‍♂️
Wow congrats! And thank you. I’m hoping I could open up new discussions on eating disorders being a drug as well. And I’m hoping like me years before someone reads this and can feel like someone understands. :)
 
hi @Selena248
Welcome to Bluelight :)

Check out our recovery forum!
The Dark Side
Health & Recovery
Mental Health

I've seen you post a bit over in Health and Recovery. Those are all really good places if you are looking for support. There are lots of us that have a history with substance abuse one form or another, and you will find that you are not alone in your struggle.

Looking forward to see your contribution's in the recovery world here. :)
 
hi @Selena248
Welcome to Bluelight :)

Check out our recovery forum!
The Dark Side
Health & Recovery
Mental Health

I've seen you post a bit over in Health and Recovery. Those are all really good places if you are looking for support. There are lots of us that have a history with substance abuse one form or another, and you will find that you are not alone in your struggle.

Looking forward to see your contribution's in the recovery world here. :)
Thank you and I honestly feel really welcome and loved already.
I think one of my main goals is to reach out to the group of people that are suffering from an eating disorder and substance abuse. The ED is something that’s often unspoken of and I think bringing more awareness will let others know that they can talk about it.
im still going over the rules and everything (a lot has changed since I first went on haha ) but truly thank you all for keeping this up.
 
I didn’t believe that Asians don’t become addicted because I’ve met a couple who are and then China is a huge manufacturer of crystal meth and meth runs rampant in Asia. I know people have the stereotype though. Sorry you’re going through that, there is enough stigma around addiction as it is.

Thats all I wanted to say. And welcome to BL!
 
I didn’t believe that Asians don’t become addicted because I’ve met a couple who are and then China is a huge manufacturer of crystal meth and meth runs rampant in Asia. I know people have the stereotype though. Sorry you’re going through that, there is enough stigma around addiction as it is.

Thats all I wanted to say. And welcome to BL!t
Thank you! I think what I meant was that as racist as it’ll sound. And please don’t be offended I’m just giving an example. When society think of someone shooting up in the back of a car they don’t picture an Asian person normally. But then I lived a normal life and no one knew for a long time
 
Thank you! I think what I meant was that as racist as it’ll sound. And please don’t be offended I’m just giving an example. When society think of someone shooting up in the back of a car they don’t picture an Asian person normally. But then I lived a normal life and no one knew for a long time
I agree totally and coming from a strict family as many asians do, it’s even further hidden. Gonna sound stereotypical but when your family wants a doctor or a lawyer only and even people in general hold this stereotype of the Chinese being all about academics you must’ve hidden it even more for that reason right? Then families like that tend to be really ignorant to these issues and can be really shame based so even THEY hide the issues. It’s a sad thing. Hard to get recognition, let alone help that way.
 
I agree totally and coming from a strict family as many asians do, it’s even further hidden. Gonna sound stereotypical but when your family wants a doctor or a lawyer only and even people in general hold this stereotype of the Chinese being all about academics you must’ve hidden it even more for that reason right? Then families like that tend to be really ignorant to these issues and can be really shame based so even THEY hide the issues. It’s a sad thing. Hard to get recognition, let alone help that way.
Lol yeah they’re like oh I went to school with this person so he’s a trust worthy doctor. Even if he is the worst one. Or they’re like don’t take too many western medications. Thing is for me they were sooo strict when I was growing up I basically had a breakdown at age 14. I was then on anxiety depression etc meds. My parents eased up on me. After I graduated hs I moved out. It was tough being the only child lol. But I just couldn’t. My drug abuse didn’t start til my early 20s and wow that was like the relief I needed for all those years. I’ve lived either on my own or with an ex since.
i think my parents (again after the initial shock decade later ) understood to a point. They wouldn’t have found out tho and yeah they suspected but you know how they are. They would never just ask me cause that’s just not how it works. It’s kinda silly because they’re so paranoid about people finding out. They’re always asking me to make sure I don’t tell anyone about this. So the whole culture is a bomb waiting to explode.
ty for your comment. It’s nice to relate to someone :)
 
Lol yeah they’re like oh I went to school with this person so he’s a trust worthy doctor. Even if he is the worst one. Or they’re like don’t take too many western medications. Thing is for me they were sooo strict when I was growing up I basically had a breakdown at age 14. I was then on anxiety depression etc meds. My parents eased up on me. After I graduated hs I moved out. It was tough being the only child lol. But I just couldn’t. My drug abuse didn’t start til my early 20s and wow that was like the relief I needed for all those years. I’ve lived either on my own or with an ex since.
i think my parents (again after the initial shock decade later ) understood to a point. They wouldn’t have found out tho and yeah they suspected but you know how they are. They would never just ask me cause that’s just not how it works. It’s kinda silly because they’re so paranoid about people finding out. They’re always asking me to make sure I don’t tell anyone about this. So the whole culture is a bomb waiting to explode.
ty for your comment. It’s nice to relate to someone :)
I think I need to clarify that I don't come from a strict asian family myself. What I wrote just came out a little wonky. I do understand the issue somewhat though because I've been around it and I've seen a bit what people go through. Anyway, no problem at all for the comment. Any time. I'm often around and so are a lot of good people here if you want to work through an issue you're having with someone.
 
I think I need to clarify that I don't come from a strict asian family myself. What I wrote just came out a little wonky. I do understand the issue somewhat though because I've been around it and I've seen a bit what people go through. Anyway, no problem at all for the comment. Any time. I'm often around and so are a lot of good people here if you want to work through an issue you're having with someone.
No worries haha it’s still nice to know someone understands the pressure. :) ty for your input
 
We have similar stories except I was in and off pills for years, this is my second foray with heroin, the first one didnt last long before I dropped everything quit my jobs and moved 4 hours away to get clean. Had switched from smoking 30's to dope but only was splitting a half gram or less daily with my husband and only for about 3 months before getting clean so wd's were minimal.

Stayed clean 3.5 years until relapsing on 30%. 2 year roxy then switched which bc all I could getas H. Fast forward to now- smoking, 1g a day
Now we are totally hooked with horrible wds.

Was prescribed subs for a bit early in the heroin days and they worked great but was just using to stave of wds. Stopped for a while and then tried again and they made me she like shit. Tried a few times since amd still made me feel shitty.

Most people I know dont know Im on drugs. My cowokers wouldnt believe it.

I became bulimic at 13yrs old. I do not feel shame about that and neither should you. I went to treatment for it in my 20s and it has been under control since. Although I dont throw up anymore, Ill use diet pills from time to time and go on like 90 day binges of eating them. Then I liked dope so much bc I was getting so much higher than the blues, so high thst i was puking almost nightly bc I just was wayy too wasted. But it doesnt do that anymore that was just the first 6 months.

Pm me if you ever wanna chat
 
yoh wee. And the Award for the best intro goes to ... drum roll here please ... @Selena248

What a great intro and backstory. And with that said Welcome To Bluelight or as I Like to call it our BLueWorld.

Questions? hmm where to begin.

What are you on now currently
What are your realistic goals for now (just start with your 1st goals in mind)
What info or help do you need in a HR way?

As already mentioned there are a lot of forums or sub-forums that falls nicely under everything you have told us so far (except for your blood type, bra size and fav ;) position) 🤪 j/k on the last part.

But yeah Welcome and i Hope we can help with all your questions and also looking forward to any info,insight or warnings you can give from your side. Looking forward hearing from you more.

MuchLove
CoffeeShroom
 
Thank you and I honestly feel really welcome and loved already.
I think one of my main goals is to reach out to the group of people that are suffering from an eating disorder and substance abuse. The ED is something that’s often unspoken of and I think bringing more awareness will let others know that they can talk about it.
im still going over the rules and everything (a lot has changed since I first went on haha ) but truly thank you all for keeping this up.
I as well struggle with an eating disorder, and it's not something I admit with any frequency or have worked to build any resources on in this forum. It makes me sick thinking and talking about it.

So to that end, I would love to have more threads about eating disorders because I think it could help people open up. If you know of any groups, resources, info, etc. on the topic, feel free to send them my way.

I'm sure there are existing threads in the recovery section somewhere, but like I said I really haven't looked into it too much.
 
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