Hello everyone !
Just call me Selena I guess hahah. I literally saw this show on Netflix called that and decided to use it.
I sorta feel like a lot of people don’t realize Asians also deal with this. Least the dealers I’ve met are super surprised. I think maybe I’m just better at hiding it for a decade from everyone. Then I really became sloppy even then took everyone awhile
I FORGOT TO ADD ONE PART because I think I’m more scared to admit this than anything else. I can tell ppl I was a full blown heroin addict yet I can never tell them this. I’m also bulimic. I’ve been since I was 14. Long fight with this. The mix of the two compliments each other. If you’re reading this and have questions but afraid to ask. Please pm me. I know how an eating disorder can be.
So this is going to be very very long sorry. I’ll put a summary before each part so you can skip the specifics
Please note do not lecture me I know all the consequences of what I’ve done and am doing. I’m sure everyone does but it really doesn’t matter at some point. Thank you
anyways im 34 years old. I’m female Asian Chinese I’m a very small person with an unbelievable tolerance to all medication. 5’2 and maybe 100 pounds ?
when I say all medications it includes anesthesia just everything. Pot and all diff strains I’ve tried do not work like it should on me. It just makes me groggy and moody
ive been misdiagnosed for 32 years with this that blah blah and whatever other crap they want to throw at me.
Couple years ago a neurologist looks at me and I gets an eeg and mri to the brain. All these years I was born w a mass in my brain causing aura seizures. It’s misdiagnosed very often since the symptoms are basically everything. Now I went to him cause my vision and memory was being affected a lot. Imagine if I was treated right in the beginning lol
I moved from China to here when I was 5 I speak both fluent Chinese and english. Had a very rough childhood. A lot of teasing since back then there weren’t a lot of Asians in the town I was in. Then pressure from my parents to be perfect causes me to crack. A lot of verbal and physical abuse when I was young but stopped after I turned 14. My family regrets it but what’s done is done. I don’t blame them I wasn’t exactly a good kid. Just a smart one who was lazy
**(when I started. Met a dr that prescribed 90 30mg blues a month. I ended up finishing it all in a few days then moved onto heroin. Then onto subs )****
12 years ago my ex and I tried Oxys. He took 5mg. I took 15mg. Felt nothing then took another 10mg and felt like I was free from everything. It was as if I had this new energy and motivation for life. I felt like I had the ability to get anything done and for once in my life I believed in myself and was happy.
well that was it. Started to chase the dragon except with my nose. Lol. Back then Oxys and subs were prescribed left and right. I had been pushed down the stairs by a previous ex and found out I had a herniated disk and few bulges. The first doctor kept giving me 5mg so I found another one. I explained to That doc (who didnt take insurance for pain management. Cash only but very legit place) my high tolerance and how I went through the months worth of 5mg in couple days. My MRI came back and basically he was surprised I was standing. So he then put me on 30mg roxi blues 3x a day. Yea that was the first thing he put me on due to me. And that was prob the worst decision on his part
(Finding a pharmacy thar always had 90 blues was hard until a pharmacy
I never got the same high as I did the first time obviously. (Snorting)So first I went through the months worth 90 pills in 10-15 days. Then bought from a dealer. Back then it was way cheaper than now and they were not pressed.
anyways couple months go by I end up finishing 90 pills in 3-4 days.
A very “caring” friend suggested I do heroin. So I’m in the east coast. It’s powder bags. I was getting a diff high. More like a I don’t want to do anything and I feel good sitting here type.
well that habit became costly. At this point I’m just trying to avoid withdrawals. I needed to have a specific amount always. Ocd issues
after almost a year my doc asks me to do a drug test since they r tightening rules for opioids. Great. I did it. Next month he tells me he found other things and I need to be careful. Still refilled me.
I decided I needed to stop. The constant avoiding withdrawals instead of enjoying my high was too much.
I told my doctor. He was like ok let’s get you on subs but you need to be in withdrawal. He prescribed them to me and I did what he told me to do. Worked like magic. I felt that rush again.
so now I’m on subs for months and I began to taper myself off. Eventually I stopped seeing the doctor. I heard a year later his practice got shut down and he was arrested for mal practice. Everyone in that waiting room was prob an addiction whenever I went. Shaking and sweating.
So now I’m 23-24? I’m fine for half a year then I meet someone at work that did coke. Tried it. Wasn’t really my thing but it did remind me of how much I loved Oxys.
So the pattern starts again. Oxys to heroin. I lived w my ex then and he had no clue. My parents had no clue. All those years no one knew.
then back to subs.
couole years go by in fine. And it starts again. This time I remember my MRI for my back came back and one of the doctors was pretty shocked. Back to blues. I mean I felt pain but I have a high tolerance to it too. I just pretended as if I couldn’t walk etc.
so it starts. I stopped seeing that doctor cause drug tests were almost every month and by then I had already switched to heroin
**(back to the h. Now I’m shooting up) **
So again I’m working living a life. I was living by myself then so there was more freedom. But if I had to spend few days far with my parents. I would dump what I got into a small container put it in w my makeup and get through the airport.
sniffing wasn’t enough so someone showed me how to shoot it up. Now that high was something else. However I’m really not good at finding veins. I see these giant ones on me but I just miss.
again during all this time I’ve been working. Project manager too. Living somehow. Sorta dating. Seemingly normal life. Few times I would literally shoot an entire brick i’ll pass out wake up in an hour surprises I wasn’t dead.
**(methadone detox. Then stopping. Meeting someone I couldn’t escape pattern starts )**
I wouldn’t say I was suicidal but to me I felt like I was stealing air from those that deserved it and could contribute more. That sounds suicidal but it’s hard to explain. I just wanted that high
Finally I was like ok I need to stop. I’m making a lot of money and it’s not going to anything else. (I also had a weird spending habit on random things )
There was no way I was going to do a sub detox. I researched and found a methadone clinic. Went there. Such a pain. Drug test. Then you get a dose in the morning. Come back next day. If you’re good for two months you get to take home two days etc etc. I was on 70mg at first. I didn’t feel anything. I mean I was fine. Not with drawling etc. But I was not high. So now I’m trying to get my life back on track. You do get a counselor and I had a great one til she left and I ended up with someone who kept calling me a diff name.
I was on 4 take Homes and decided I needed to stop this. I read a lot about methadone and well yeah. I did the blind 1-5mg reduction a week. They would decide how much not tell me. It worked out well. I ended up having basically a weeks worth of take homes and was on 1mg. So I stopped. Met someone too. Who ended up being extremely abusive mentally. I mean I was already vulnerable. If you want details just ask I rather shorten this a bit
So I started to find happiness else where. Doing molly was a diff high and I could do anything. I had an ex coworker that sold it and coke. So i’ll make the hour drive to their house spend night playing spades and doing endless amounts of drugs and alcohol. Course my ex isn’t happy.
That caused stress and fights. Finally I stopped doing the molly cause it was messing up my emotions way too much. I switched back to heroin. For some reason I just couldn’t leave that relationship. Was almost 3-4 years of stress. Last two years I just drugged myself up. I had my own place but I had moved all my stuff there and ugh.
***(and it all comes out then off to the fast detox)***
Now I’m shooting up. Spending 600 a day again or more. Somehow no one notices for months. He lives with his psycho mom who basically has a way too close relationship w her son. She wanted me out. And went through my things. Took pics and told her son that I left all this out in the open in the bathroom. Right lol. Oh forgot to mention he’s a sheriffs officer. That was uh interesting to say the least. Course his righteous never break the rules except scream at your gf and mom decides to call my dad.
And after a decade of hiding it’s all out in the open.
My parents were understanding after the initial shock. I had a pretty rough childhood and due to it they realized why I was driven to this. My parents told me to find a rehab. I had found this 3-5 day fast detox place. Read about it etc. Super expensive about almost 8k after flights to a diff state. They read on there that i’ll be on naltrexone and my cravings will stop. However I can’t be already withdrawaling when I’m there. The flight and appt was a few days away and my parents let me get barely enough to last me. They took all the needles esp since I am horrible at it my arm looked like it had dunes.
It was hard.
3-4 day detox
Flew there. Sniffed the last as I walked into the appt. Not sure what they gave me but I passed out right after we left and got to the hotel they assigned us. Slept for a really long time. Getting dosed every few hours. Oh they also had me wear a diaper. Actually first time I’ve ever worn one lol. Next day a van picks me and a couple people up. We’re just chatting about shit we did. At the super nice facility they basically put you to sleep and for me did a minor surgical procedure. They put the naltrexone right under my skin. I think it lasts 30 or 90 days I can’t remember. Those days were a blur. I felt like I pooped myself and someone had to change me. Apparently few days had gone by. I felt lethargic and just dead. Not really any withdrawal symptoms like shakes etc. Just tired. Whatever cocktail they kept giving me somehow masked the withdrawal and I passed those few days. However apparently if you take naltrexone while on an opioid you go into pw. I guess they knocked us out so we wouldn’t feel it.
Got back to their house. Had to stay there for obvious reasons. Everyday I felt better. I felt like I didn’t need any drugs. It was working. I then was getting a monthly script for the naltrexone after the one dissolved under my skin. It helped me a lot. But a year went by the doctor there says I can’t prescribe them to you anymore. So you need to ween off. Which I did. But sorta messed up. Apparently if you take it for too long its not good for your health. Not like the other options were better lol
I finally was free of everything (drugs. Abusive men etc) and working at a new job. Couple years go by. Now this point I can really feel the pain in my back now. I had low bone density and this and that. Then I started to have issues w memory. Then find that neurologist etc. On new meds. They’re helping.
So I meet someone who had some coke on him.
Here we go again except this time I had gotten pressed 30s. Wow just wow. What the f did I take lol. It also causes my skin to literally peel off. Somehow ended up doing 10-12 of them a day. I just can’t do this anymore. And I’m still doing coke. Recently I switched to regular blues. Then now on subs. Surprisingly had min withdrawals. Was very strange.... but yeah wow I wrote a book sorry
Any questions etc just let me know !
Just call me Selena I guess hahah. I literally saw this show on Netflix called that and decided to use it.
I sorta feel like a lot of people don’t realize Asians also deal with this. Least the dealers I’ve met are super surprised. I think maybe I’m just better at hiding it for a decade from everyone. Then I really became sloppy even then took everyone awhile
I FORGOT TO ADD ONE PART because I think I’m more scared to admit this than anything else. I can tell ppl I was a full blown heroin addict yet I can never tell them this. I’m also bulimic. I’ve been since I was 14. Long fight with this. The mix of the two compliments each other. If you’re reading this and have questions but afraid to ask. Please pm me. I know how an eating disorder can be.
So this is going to be very very long sorry. I’ll put a summary before each part so you can skip the specifics
Please note do not lecture me I know all the consequences of what I’ve done and am doing. I’m sure everyone does but it really doesn’t matter at some point. Thank you
anyways im 34 years old. I’m female Asian Chinese I’m a very small person with an unbelievable tolerance to all medication. 5’2 and maybe 100 pounds ?
when I say all medications it includes anesthesia just everything. Pot and all diff strains I’ve tried do not work like it should on me. It just makes me groggy and moody
ive been misdiagnosed for 32 years with this that blah blah and whatever other crap they want to throw at me.
Couple years ago a neurologist looks at me and I gets an eeg and mri to the brain. All these years I was born w a mass in my brain causing aura seizures. It’s misdiagnosed very often since the symptoms are basically everything. Now I went to him cause my vision and memory was being affected a lot. Imagine if I was treated right in the beginning lol
I moved from China to here when I was 5 I speak both fluent Chinese and english. Had a very rough childhood. A lot of teasing since back then there weren’t a lot of Asians in the town I was in. Then pressure from my parents to be perfect causes me to crack. A lot of verbal and physical abuse when I was young but stopped after I turned 14. My family regrets it but what’s done is done. I don’t blame them I wasn’t exactly a good kid. Just a smart one who was lazy
**(when I started. Met a dr that prescribed 90 30mg blues a month. I ended up finishing it all in a few days then moved onto heroin. Then onto subs )****
12 years ago my ex and I tried Oxys. He took 5mg. I took 15mg. Felt nothing then took another 10mg and felt like I was free from everything. It was as if I had this new energy and motivation for life. I felt like I had the ability to get anything done and for once in my life I believed in myself and was happy.
well that was it. Started to chase the dragon except with my nose. Lol. Back then Oxys and subs were prescribed left and right. I had been pushed down the stairs by a previous ex and found out I had a herniated disk and few bulges. The first doctor kept giving me 5mg so I found another one. I explained to That doc (who didnt take insurance for pain management. Cash only but very legit place) my high tolerance and how I went through the months worth of 5mg in couple days. My MRI came back and basically he was surprised I was standing. So he then put me on 30mg roxi blues 3x a day. Yea that was the first thing he put me on due to me. And that was prob the worst decision on his part
(Finding a pharmacy thar always had 90 blues was hard until a pharmacy
I never got the same high as I did the first time obviously. (Snorting)So first I went through the months worth 90 pills in 10-15 days. Then bought from a dealer. Back then it was way cheaper than now and they were not pressed.
anyways couple months go by I end up finishing 90 pills in 3-4 days.
A very “caring” friend suggested I do heroin. So I’m in the east coast. It’s powder bags. I was getting a diff high. More like a I don’t want to do anything and I feel good sitting here type.
well that habit became costly. At this point I’m just trying to avoid withdrawals. I needed to have a specific amount always. Ocd issues
after almost a year my doc asks me to do a drug test since they r tightening rules for opioids. Great. I did it. Next month he tells me he found other things and I need to be careful. Still refilled me.
I decided I needed to stop. The constant avoiding withdrawals instead of enjoying my high was too much.
I told my doctor. He was like ok let’s get you on subs but you need to be in withdrawal. He prescribed them to me and I did what he told me to do. Worked like magic. I felt that rush again.
so now I’m on subs for months and I began to taper myself off. Eventually I stopped seeing the doctor. I heard a year later his practice got shut down and he was arrested for mal practice. Everyone in that waiting room was prob an addiction whenever I went. Shaking and sweating.
So now I’m 23-24? I’m fine for half a year then I meet someone at work that did coke. Tried it. Wasn’t really my thing but it did remind me of how much I loved Oxys.
So the pattern starts again. Oxys to heroin. I lived w my ex then and he had no clue. My parents had no clue. All those years no one knew.
then back to subs.
couole years go by in fine. And it starts again. This time I remember my MRI for my back came back and one of the doctors was pretty shocked. Back to blues. I mean I felt pain but I have a high tolerance to it too. I just pretended as if I couldn’t walk etc.
so it starts. I stopped seeing that doctor cause drug tests were almost every month and by then I had already switched to heroin
**(back to the h. Now I’m shooting up) **
So again I’m working living a life. I was living by myself then so there was more freedom. But if I had to spend few days far with my parents. I would dump what I got into a small container put it in w my makeup and get through the airport.
sniffing wasn’t enough so someone showed me how to shoot it up. Now that high was something else. However I’m really not good at finding veins. I see these giant ones on me but I just miss.
again during all this time I’ve been working. Project manager too. Living somehow. Sorta dating. Seemingly normal life. Few times I would literally shoot an entire brick i’ll pass out wake up in an hour surprises I wasn’t dead.
**(methadone detox. Then stopping. Meeting someone I couldn’t escape pattern starts )**
I wouldn’t say I was suicidal but to me I felt like I was stealing air from those that deserved it and could contribute more. That sounds suicidal but it’s hard to explain. I just wanted that high
Finally I was like ok I need to stop. I’m making a lot of money and it’s not going to anything else. (I also had a weird spending habit on random things )
There was no way I was going to do a sub detox. I researched and found a methadone clinic. Went there. Such a pain. Drug test. Then you get a dose in the morning. Come back next day. If you’re good for two months you get to take home two days etc etc. I was on 70mg at first. I didn’t feel anything. I mean I was fine. Not with drawling etc. But I was not high. So now I’m trying to get my life back on track. You do get a counselor and I had a great one til she left and I ended up with someone who kept calling me a diff name.
I was on 4 take Homes and decided I needed to stop this. I read a lot about methadone and well yeah. I did the blind 1-5mg reduction a week. They would decide how much not tell me. It worked out well. I ended up having basically a weeks worth of take homes and was on 1mg. So I stopped. Met someone too. Who ended up being extremely abusive mentally. I mean I was already vulnerable. If you want details just ask I rather shorten this a bit
So I started to find happiness else where. Doing molly was a diff high and I could do anything. I had an ex coworker that sold it and coke. So i’ll make the hour drive to their house spend night playing spades and doing endless amounts of drugs and alcohol. Course my ex isn’t happy.
That caused stress and fights. Finally I stopped doing the molly cause it was messing up my emotions way too much. I switched back to heroin. For some reason I just couldn’t leave that relationship. Was almost 3-4 years of stress. Last two years I just drugged myself up. I had my own place but I had moved all my stuff there and ugh.
***(and it all comes out then off to the fast detox)***
Now I’m shooting up. Spending 600 a day again or more. Somehow no one notices for months. He lives with his psycho mom who basically has a way too close relationship w her son. She wanted me out. And went through my things. Took pics and told her son that I left all this out in the open in the bathroom. Right lol. Oh forgot to mention he’s a sheriffs officer. That was uh interesting to say the least. Course his righteous never break the rules except scream at your gf and mom decides to call my dad.
And after a decade of hiding it’s all out in the open.
My parents were understanding after the initial shock. I had a pretty rough childhood and due to it they realized why I was driven to this. My parents told me to find a rehab. I had found this 3-5 day fast detox place. Read about it etc. Super expensive about almost 8k after flights to a diff state. They read on there that i’ll be on naltrexone and my cravings will stop. However I can’t be already withdrawaling when I’m there. The flight and appt was a few days away and my parents let me get barely enough to last me. They took all the needles esp since I am horrible at it my arm looked like it had dunes.
It was hard.
3-4 day detox
Flew there. Sniffed the last as I walked into the appt. Not sure what they gave me but I passed out right after we left and got to the hotel they assigned us. Slept for a really long time. Getting dosed every few hours. Oh they also had me wear a diaper. Actually first time I’ve ever worn one lol. Next day a van picks me and a couple people up. We’re just chatting about shit we did. At the super nice facility they basically put you to sleep and for me did a minor surgical procedure. They put the naltrexone right under my skin. I think it lasts 30 or 90 days I can’t remember. Those days were a blur. I felt like I pooped myself and someone had to change me. Apparently few days had gone by. I felt lethargic and just dead. Not really any withdrawal symptoms like shakes etc. Just tired. Whatever cocktail they kept giving me somehow masked the withdrawal and I passed those few days. However apparently if you take naltrexone while on an opioid you go into pw. I guess they knocked us out so we wouldn’t feel it.
Got back to their house. Had to stay there for obvious reasons. Everyday I felt better. I felt like I didn’t need any drugs. It was working. I then was getting a monthly script for the naltrexone after the one dissolved under my skin. It helped me a lot. But a year went by the doctor there says I can’t prescribe them to you anymore. So you need to ween off. Which I did. But sorta messed up. Apparently if you take it for too long its not good for your health. Not like the other options were better lol
I finally was free of everything (drugs. Abusive men etc) and working at a new job. Couple years go by. Now this point I can really feel the pain in my back now. I had low bone density and this and that. Then I started to have issues w memory. Then find that neurologist etc. On new meds. They’re helping.
So I meet someone who had some coke on him.
Here we go again except this time I had gotten pressed 30s. Wow just wow. What the f did I take lol. It also causes my skin to literally peel off. Somehow ended up doing 10-12 of them a day. I just can’t do this anymore. And I’m still doing coke. Recently I switched to regular blues. Then now on subs. Surprisingly had min withdrawals. Was very strange.... but yeah wow I wrote a book sorry
Any questions etc just let me know !
Last edited:
position) 
j/k on the last part.