Recovery My cliché recovery journal

[Rio Fantastic]

I remember those jolts of excitement than getting the gear fucking speeding home to use. The way I got out of relapsing is not remembering the time clean and recognizing the steps my brain would take to relapse. First, the thought that I feel so shit no way I should put up with it then ill just use today get my sleep in then not use than the excitement of not having to spend the day feeling like shit . You break those links to relapse it does wonders talk to someone go for a walk not anywhere you can score but a park shop anywhere. I alaways first justified a relapse once you stop the first step alot of the work done

Those mental shifts that justify a relapse - dude, I couldn't relate more. It always starts for me with a shifting of my perspective from based in the future and what I'm trying to accomplish to suddenly shifting to how I feel right now and how I could be feeling right now if I used. I need to recognize when that happens because it's stupid and short-sighted - I'm only bringing more suffering to myself if I give in.

getting into a change of environment if you associate being at home with using is definitely a good idea. the associations between places and using are very strong.

i totally get not wanting to contact people when you're already on the verge of relapse, it is too late by then. so yes, if you can then picking up the phone when you're feeling in mild danger is a great idea to get in the habit so you can hopefully avert the really dangerous ones in advance.

i have been in recovery close to 2 years now. so fucking tired today that i'm not even pretending to try and work.

Have you been sober for 2 years or just for most of it?? Maybe I focus on days too much, but I just like a way to track my progress. By the way, you say you're terrible at reaching out to people, but I've read multiple posts from you on here where you're saying you feel like you're about to relapse. That is reaching out! And then as far as I've seen you then don't do it, so you're doing something right!!

Felt better mostly today. Did a zoom SMART meeting which was actually a lot of fun - my local SMART group is a really sound group of people, and they're an untapped resource that I feel like I can rely on. They know me well by now and I know them well, and I trust them, and i'm going to be leaning on them a lot this time around. I obviously can't do it all alone, and I know I'll need help in the next few days.

I am struggling mostly with the "is this it?" feeling. i'm used to such huge spikes in joy from drugs that everything seems a little flat and empty, but I'm getting through it a day at a time - sometimes an hour at a time. I've made a list of all the shitty consequences that come from using that i'm going to look at every time I feel tempted.

Emotionally I'm a little all over the place as well. I heard the film "A star is born" is about addiction, so I watched it and (spoilers ahead) it fucking emotionally wrecked me. Most addiction films I've seen (minus requiem) end on a positive note, but this film? Holy fuck. What a bleak fucking ending. Jesus Christ. Shit like that doesn't usually affect me, but I guess my emotions are a little out of whack at the moment.

 

[Jabberwocky]

yes, i have been clean for most of 2 years. i had a polydrug binge at a punk festival after crying for 2 months at 7 months in. have had the odd single drink. scored dark twice earlier this year after going nuts for about 2 months again. i guess i focus more on recovery than clean time cos i learned how different they are after losing my clean time. also seeing people in NA who can't do a single thing without phoning their sponsor about it, and my ex housemate who technically had more clean time than me but absolutely 0 recovery, the opposite in fact, made me separate the two even more.

i'm really glad your SMART meetings are helping and the zoom format isn't doing your head in too much!! those people who want to help you and know what its like are, to me, the most useful thing about meetings. i had a mate from NA over lat night for a xword and catch up evening, though the bloody MEN reused a crossword he'd already done!! we were joking about how insane crack made us. he actually ended up living in a tent over some of lockdown cos he relapsed so got chucked out of recovery housing. a guy from a homeless charity came up to him and asked if he could help, which i think is hilarious, honestly i'd just say 'yes i'll take one home please' and initially said that he needed to give a clean piss test to get back into housing. then saw reason, that its really not possible to get clean in a tent, and let him in the housing on the condition that he'd have to piss clean in 3 days time. i'm so glad he got something sorted and back clean. he really reiterated how difficult it is to stop once you've started again.

i get the 'is this it' feeling, it does offer a compelling reason to use. but using is a hollow high. i have just paid off an amazing holiday, which, when i eventually get to go, will be amazing and so much more worth it than the amount of crack that i could have bought with the money.

lol i haven't watched many films about addiction but i remember watching requiem as soon as i got back to Norwich one time, i've seen it a few times so i don't know how i thought it was a good idea. i was trying to make myself not want heroin but i ended up scoring to take the edge off the film lol.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

yes, i have been clean for most of 2 years. i had a polydrug binge at a punk festival after crying for 2 months at 7 months in. have had the odd single drink. scored dark twice earlier this year after going nuts for about 2 months again. i guess i focus more on recovery than clean time cos i learned how different they are after losing my clean time. also seeing people in NA who can't do a single thing without phoning their sponsor about it, and my ex housemate who technically had more clean time than me but absolutely 0 recovery, the opposite in fact, made me separate the two even more.

i'm really glad your SMART meetings are helping and the zoom format isn't doing your head in too much!! those people who want to help you and know what its like are, to me, the most useful thing about meetings. i had a mate from NA over lat night for a xword and catch up evening, though the bloody MEN reused a crossword he'd already done!! we were joking about how insane crack made us. he actually ended up living in a tent over some of lockdown cos he relapsed so got chucked out of recovery housing. a guy from a homeless charity came up to him and asked if he could help, which i think is hilarious, honestly i'd just say 'yes i'll take one home please' and initially said that he needed to give a clean piss test to get back into housing. then saw reason, that its really not possible to get clean in a tent, and let him in the housing on the condition that he'd have to piss clean in 3 days time. i'm so glad he got something sorted and back clean. he really reiterated how difficult it is to stop once you've started again.

i get the 'is this it' feeling, it does offer a compelling reason to use. but using is a hollow high. i have just paid off an amazing holiday, which, when i eventually get to go, will be amazing and so much more worth it than the amount of crack that i could have bought with the money.

lol i haven't watched many films about addiction but i remember watching requiem as soon as i got back to Norwich one time, i've seen it a few times so i don't know how i thought it was a good idea. i was trying to make myself not want heroin but i ended up scoring to take the edge off the film lol.

The fact that you've had slips but then got right back on to recovery is awesome. I have just kept slipping and then going back into full-on junkie mode, not giving a fuck about my life or sobriety or anything.

Pretty intense about your friend. I've been on the verge of sleeping rough a couple times, but always managed to pull myself back from the brink before I actually had to do that. Can't imagine how depressing it must be to go from sobriety, relapsing, and finding yourself fucking homeless. Awesome he got that help though - a lot of people aren't so lucky!

Where are you going on holiday!?!? I'm jealous!

 

[Rio Fantastic]

So it's been a bit of a weird day today. I've been feeling mostly OK, but then when I was walking back from the chemist with my subutex I bumped into a guy that I used to live in a shared house with. I never really got on with him well - he was on crack & heroin too, but he seemed to fit the typical junkie mould a little more. I always assumed he was a no-hoper - how wrong I was! He's turned his whole life around. He looked amazing, really healthy, he has a job, a partner etc., and this is a guy who's only occupation used to be running for a dealer who eventually ended up knocking him out for begging for crack too much. I had mixed feelings about meeting him. On the one hand I'm happy for him, and I'm trying to be inspired by it, but on the other hand it's like - fuck, if THAT GUY has done it, what the fuck is wrong with me? My first impulse was towards feeling deflated and miserable, so I took some time to consciously reframe it. So insane that seeing someone do well makes my mind go to "Well obviously that means you're hopeless, might as well get high".

It wasn't a really strong craving, and I've noticed that the really powerful cravings haven't hit me yet. I've had hints of them and lots of minor ones, but not the gut-wrenching, heart-pounding, palms-sweating kind that feels like a real battle to get through, and I'm scared of when they do happen. I'm really terrified of giving in again and just losing control entirely - again - and then finally coming to in fucking November or something and realizing "holy shit, another 3 months gone" and then being back where I am now. I know it's all in my power to prevent that though, and on the positive side I feel better than I did last week, so I'm leaning into that positivity, trying to stay optimistic, but also being realistic about the cravings that I know will be ahead.

 

[yubacity]

So it's been a bit of a weird day today. I've been feeling mostly OK, but then when I was walking back from the chemist with my subutex I bumped into a guy that I used to live in a shared house with. I never really got on with him well - he was on crack & heroin too, but he seemed to fit the typical junkie mould a little more. I always assumed he was a no-hoper - how wrong I was! He's turned his whole life around. He looked amazing, really healthy, he has a job, a partner etc., and this is a guy who's only occupation used to be running for a dealer who eventually ended up knocking him out for begging for crack too much. I had mixed feelings about meeting him. On the one hand I'm happy for him, and I'm trying to be inspired by it, but on the other hand it's like - fuck, if THAT GUY has done it, what the fuck is wrong with me? My first impulse was towards feeling deflated and miserable, so I took some time to consciously reframe it. So insane that seeing someone do well makes my mind go to "Well obviously that means you're hopeless, might as well get high".

It wasn't a really strong craving, and I've noticed that the really powerful cravings haven't hit me yet. I've had hints of them and lots of minor ones, but not the gut-wrenching, heart-pounding, palms-sweating kind that feels like a real battle to get through, and I'm scared of when they do happen. I'm really terrified of giving in again and just losing control entirely - again - and then finally coming to in fucking November or something and realizing "holy shit, another 3 months gone" and then being back where I am now. I know it's all in my power to prevent that though, and on the positive side I feel better than I did last week, so I'm leaning into that positivity, trying to stay optimistic, but also being realistic about the cravings that I know will be ahead.

Bruv you can do it but it will never work if you let your brain run you. That sounds stupid but your mind wants gear it is your enemy at the moment. Only an addict really understands how we keep fucking up. I have been clean a year and I can be doing good and my mind just gets the idea of using. That's why I say this a battle we stuck with for life. If you just get over the depression lack of energy the feeling cold it gets easier. That is all you have to think about fuck what your brain is telling you it just wants the gear . A year clean and every time I hear a led zeppelin song I want gear but if you understand how the steps to how relapse happen you can stop it. Today I have done 900 mg of pregabalin I do it once a week and every time I think of getting gear but i don't take the first step of relapse. Another thing you cant be with friends that use that is a guaranteed relapse. Fight it bruv it is fucking hard but it can be done . Everytime you relapse you might have a easy day but you taking a step back. Herion is not a recreational drug its a slave master it owns you . I know this a weird long message im buzzing on pregabs but you know i was where you at now look im doing good i got through it but it always be there for l;ife. If you thinking of using just think how you feel the next day the guilt and knowing you feel like shit and then thinking fuck it ill use today. Sorry bruv this a weird message but it the truth . To get to the other side you cant use think of the goal you got in your head and dont alter your path. You only 29 you can be whateve3r you want to be instead of standing still .

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Bruv you can do it but it will never work if you let your brain run you. That sounds stupid but your mind wants gear it is your enemy at the moment. Only an addict really understands how we keep fucking up. I have been clean a year and I can be doing good and my mind just gets the idea of using. That's why I say this a battle we stuck with for life. If you just get over the depression lack of energy the feeling cold it gets easier. That is all you have to think about fuck what your brain is telling you it just wants the gear . A year clean and every time I hear a led zeppelin song I want gear but if you understand how the steps to how relapse happen you can stop it. Today I have done 900 mg of pregabalin I do it once a week and every time I think of getting gear but i don't take the first step of relapse. Another thing you cant be with friends that use that is a guaranteed relapse. Fight it bruv it is fucking hard but it can be done . Everytime you relapse you might have a easy day but you taking a step back. Herion is not a recreational drug its a slave master it owns you . I know this a weird long message im buzzing on pregabs but you know i was where you at now look im doing good i got through it but it always be there for l;ife. If you thinking of using just think how you feel the next day the guilt and knowing you feel like shit and then thinking fuck it ill use today. Sorry bruv this a weird message but it the truth . To get to the other side you cant use think of the goal you got in your head and dont alter your path. You only 29 you can be whateve3r you want to be instead of standing still .

It wasn't a weird message mate, it resonated with me. Heroin is a slave master, not a drug I choose to take. I really like that perspective.

I wish I could take downers like pregabs or alcohol or diazepam just to take the edge off, but every time I do them it just makes my craving worse and if I take enough to feel anything it will also be enough to make me think "fuck it" and get the drugs I really want.

Today has been up & down. Felt great most of the day then get round to the evening and I feel low and bored again, but I'm staying strong. I am so determined to get past a week - I have tried so many times since my relapse in April to do it but I just keep fucking up. Not this time.

 

[yubacity]

So it's been a bit of a weird day today. I've been feeling mostly OK, but then when I was walking back from the chemist with my subutex I bumped into a guy that I used to live in a shared house with. I never really got on with him well - he was on crack & heroin too, but he seemed to fit the typical junkie mould a little more. I always assumed he was a no-hoper - how wrong I was! He's turned his whole life around. He looked amazing, really healthy, he has a job, a partner etc., and this is a guy who's only occupation used to be running for a dealer who eventually ended up knocking him out for begging for crack too much. I had mixed feelings about meeting him. On the one hand I'm happy for him, and I'm trying to be inspired by it, but on the other hand it's like - fuck, if THAT GUY has done it, what the fuck is wrong with me? My first impulse was towards feeling deflated and miserable, so I took some time to consciously reframe it. So insane that seeing someone do well makes my mind go to "Well obviously that means you're hopeless, might as well get high".

It wasn't a really strong craving, and I've noticed that the really powerful cravings haven't hit me yet. I've had hints of them and lots of minor ones, but not the gut-wrenching, heart-pounding, palms-sweating kind that feels like a real battle to get through, and I'm scared of when they do happen. I'm really terrified of giving in again and just losing control entirely - again - and then finally coming to in fucking November or something and realizing "holy shit, another 3 months gone" and then being back where I am now. I know it's all in my power to prevent that though, and on the positive side I feel better than I did last week, so I'm leaning into that positivity, trying to stay optimistic, but also being realistic about the cravings that I know will be ahead.

All through detox and recovery i had a box of poppy pods under the bed . Even now i got a box

It wasn't a weird message mate, it resonated with me. Heroin is a slave master, not a drug I choose to take. I really like that perspective.

I wish I could take downers like pregabs or alcohol or diazepam just to take the edge off, but every time I do them it just makes my craving worse and if I take enough to feel anything it will also be enough to make me think "fuck it" and get the drugs I really want.

Today has been up & down. Felt great most of the day then get round to the evening and I feel low and bored again, but I'm staying strong. I am so determined to get past a week - I have tried so many times since my relapse in April to do it but I just keep fucking up. Not this time.

Brother the fuck ups relapses are all part of getting clean. Today I got the pregabs but my pal will only give me 3 300mgs a week he like a brother. I could not sleep last night because I was so excited about getting the pregabs . Driving to his house this morning i had that excitement of getting drugs. Driving real fast could not wait to get one capsule in me. I will be honest I got a box of ground pods under my bed I dont use them but they like a safety blanket they have to be there it settles me. You are on the path of getting clean relapses are all part of it. Don't think of a week think about today. get through 1 day. How many relapses did I have but because I was on the path to getting clean I knew I will succeed. I can get 10 mg valis but benzos just make me sleep . Have you ever had a edible that buzz deep. Think of the day not week get through the day clean. It will get better you will do it

 

[yubacity]

I am buzzing bruv, my pal, in his heroin nod. He probably got a shit load of gear in his room but I'm at the point now that it don't make me crave. After years of having a low sex drive because of gear im fucking whores 2 or 3 times a week I'm at the point now thinkig of going to doctor snd take something to lower my sex drive. I miss having a coke or meth fuck you know those whole night banging . Im love my wife but the sex I like I would never do it with her. Have to get something my wife won't take another affair . I can call this scotish whore she got a banging arse and lovely feet . Do you think im a wanker for doing this to my wife

 

[yubacity]

Im telling you dont hang about with friends that use. This guy will never give me gear he rents my house and I stay here when I come from states . He been on the gear nearly 30 years he only gets clean ion prison .Once i told him i want to get clean he stopped knocking out to mt and also warned the dealers in our town not to give me anything. I used to get gear from the dealers that come down from london but there gear was shit and i robbed one because he took the piss now i cant get it from them dont want to get stabbed

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I am buzzing bruv, my pal, in his heroin nod. He probably got a shit load of gear in his room but I'm at the point now that it don't make me crave. After years of having a low sex drive because of gear im fucking whores 2 or 3 times a week I'm at the point now thinkig of going to doctor snd take something to lower my sex drive. I miss having a coke or meth fuck you know those whole night banging . Im love my wife but the sex I like I would never do it with her. Have to get something my wife won't take another affair . I can call this scotish whore she got a banging arse and lovely feet . Do you think im a wanker for doing this to my wife

Like I've said man, I'm sure a lot of people would disagree but I think it's only immoral if you let your wife found out by being careless or stupid with it. If she doesn't find out then what she doesn't know can't hurt her and you haven't done anything wrong!

Regarding weed, I used to love the stuff, now I hate it. I literally smoked weed as often as I possibly could from age 16 to 20. Then shortly after I got into H it's like a switch flipped in my head - now, 95% of the time I smoke weed, I feel brain-damaged, miserable, retarded, slow but not in a pleasant way - like a bad psychedelic trip or something. I have hope one day I'll be able to enjoy it again like I used to if I try it again when I'm sober.

I'm having a pretty miserable morning. Just woke up and thought "what's the fucking point". I have no energy or drive. This is why I usually relapse on day 7, but not fucking today!!!

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Been taking your advice @yubacity and looking out for the changes in my head that could lead to relapse.

Just identified one I have to work on. These past 6 days I've been feeling committed to sobriety, and though I've had urges I haven't had any serious ones until today. I've just been going around my day - had a few chores to do in my flat - & suddenly the thought of not taking drugs caused this deep sinking feeling in my chest. Like contemplating cutting my legs off or someone close to me dying. That sounds hyperbolic, but that's really what it felt like. A life of sobriety suddenly seemed like an interminable, miserable and empty existence, and the thought of not taking drugs to remedy that just caused this crazy feeling of longing & loss. However, I've identified it. I am telling myself that this isn't my brain working as it should be - my thoughts aren't logical, my brain is being hijacked by my addiction and while that's happening I can't trust how I'm thinking & feeling. I will wait it out. I can handle this.

 

[Jabberwocky]

interminable, miserable and empty existence, and the thought of not taking drugs to remedy that just caused this crazy feeling of longing & loss.

i felt like that a lot in early recovery. tbh i feel like it today, except for the bit about drugs because compared to the life i have been able to have clean, drugs are actually the interminable, miserable, empty existence. give it time. you're really early in and your brain chemicals are way out of whack, you know this. the more you pick up and the longer you use the more difficult it will be to get to a point where you can find joy in life without drugs.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

i felt like that a lot in early recovery. tbh i feel like it today, except for the bit about drugs because compared to the life i have been able to have clean, drugs are actually the interminable, miserable, empty existence. give it time. you're really early in and your brain chemicals are way out of whack, you know this. the more you pick up and the longer you use the more difficult it will be to get to a point where you can find joy in life without drugs.

you're totally right. this is just my mind fixing itself, its not reality. the stupid thing is I had a good day yesterday, yet when the darkness & cravings come it's like I can't access the memory of feeling happy yesterday. Suddenly all that matters is the present. I feel like I'm coming out of it a bit now, so I'm trying to lean into that.

you mention before about a holiday you were planning?? hows that going?

 

[yubacity]

Been taking your advice @yubacity and looking out for the changes in my head that could lead to relapse.

Just identified one I have to work on. These past 6 days I've been feeling committed to sobriety, and though I've had urges I haven't had any serious ones until today. I've just been going around my day - had a few chores to do in my flat - & suddenly the thought of not taking drugs caused this deep sinking feeling in my chest. Like contemplating cutting my legs off or someone close to me dying. That sounds hyperbolic, but that's really what it felt like. A life of sobriety suddenly seemed like an interminable, miserable and empty existence, and the thought of not taking drugs to remedy that just caused this crazy feeling of longing & loss. However, I've identified it. I am telling myself that this isn't my brain working as it should be - my thoughts aren't logical, my brain is being hijacked by my addiction and while that's happening I can't trust how I'm thinking & feeling. I will wait it out. I can handle this.

Bruv your brain. wants gear and it's trying to tricking you to use. I will not lie life clean can be boring I get i fucked off in the states with wifes friends . I been away to long i like football and i cant relate they good people but im bored . But its better then being a addict with that sweat in the morning feeling shit . In normal life you also have fun but boredom is there. Saying all that this life bettyer in so many ways it is hard at first and being truthful

Been taking your advice @yubacity and looking out for the changes in my head that could lead to relapse.

Just identified one I have to work on. These past 6 days I've been feeling committed to sobriety, and though I've had urges I haven't had any serious ones until today. I've just been going around my day - had a few chores to do in my flat - & suddenly the thought of not taking drugs caused this deep sinking feeling in my chest. Like contemplating cutting my legs off or someone close to me dying. That sounds hyperbolic, but that's really what it felt like. A life of sobriety suddenly seemed like an interminable, miserable and empty existence, and the thought of not taking drugs to remedy that just caused this crazy feeling of longing & loss. However, I've identified it. I am telling myself that this isn't my brain working as it should be - my thoughts aren't logical, my brain is being hijacked by my addiction and while that's happening I can't trust how I'm thinking & feeling. I will wait it out. I can handle this.

Srry bruv i was out yesterday i i came on here then thought fuck it i go get a haircut . The hairdressers are egyptian and all pill heads i given them pregabs in the past. well they said they can get good charlie . I was bored told them to get the guy down so they did . Fuck me the shit was good ended up get a few packets he was selling them a tenner a point cant blame him the shit was good . Got 350 out the bank had 50 quid on me so spent 400 quid came home started getting smashed with my pal now its 5 30 in the morning still got some packets left and want some brown thinking of going in pals room and taking some herion from him . Thought fuck that i got loads of lopermide tablets at home from my last relapse taken 5 packets of six tablets to try and calm me down . Big mistake getting charlie i always want brown for the comedown should have gotten some valis big mistake . We had no ammonia to make it into crack so done it the other way even a tenners worth of gear would sort me right out now

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Sorry man, but I can't read your full post. It's making me want to get high bro. Are you sure this won't lead back to H mate? You've already said you've considered it. You've been down this road before man. If I were you I'd stop taking drugs now and get your head together before you're smoking H again.

 

[yubacity]

Sorry man, but I can't read your full post. It's making me want to get high bro. Are you sure this won't lead back to H mate? You've already said you've considered it. You've been down this road before man. If I were you I'd stop taking drugs now and get your head together before you're smoking H again.

Sorry bruv I just realize you still in first week fuck me. I flushed the box of pods down the sink fuck this i n ot doing no opium apart from what i done this morning no way this gonna gety me to H fuck that . Sorry bruv i will see if i can delete that message

 

[yubacity]

Sorry man, but I can't read your full post. It's making me want to get high bro. Are you sure this won't lead back to H mate? You've already said you've considered it. You've been down this road before man. If I were you I'd stop taking drugs now and get your head together before you're smoking H again.

Fuck your thoughts of bruv you dont know how shit i feel now a year off the shit broken but i am making sure it a slip it full of guilt anyway my brother need some lyrica but i told my source not to give me more then 900 mg a week and he a proper mate he wont budge now .

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Fuck your thoughts of bruv you dont know how shit i feel now a year off the shit broken but i am making sure it a slip it full of guilt anyway my brother need some lyrica but i told my source not to give me more then 900 mg a week and he a proper mate he wont budge now .

well done on flushing the pods mate!! You've learnt a lesson though - I definitely couldn't keep opiates on hand, they're just waiting to be taken then! Maybe don't get any more?? I'll be honest mate, when I read your post and saw you'd done coke and opium I thought your next post would be revealing you were back on the H, so well done for flushing what you had left!! I definitely couldn't do coke without heroin afterwards, so at least you haven't gone off the deep end bro. You'll probably not be feeling great the next couple days, but you aren't back at square 1 mate! stay strong, just do some lyrica and try to relax and don't listen to your head if it says get back on the coke or get some H.

I'm doing pretty good myself today. If I get through today - which I think I will - this will be my longest time off H/crack since the end of April when I relapsed. I'm starting to feel more positive but kind of volatile - I feel that my mood could go up or down based on very little, so I'm trying to reign it in and find the middle ground, since emotional extremes are very dangerous for me at the moment. I am consciously tempering my positivity with the fact that I could relapse at any moment. 7 days is nothing, and though I feel a world of difference from how I was this time last week, I'm reminding myself that it's just one bad decision away and then I'm fucked again. However, I'm still enjoying the fact I'm starting to feel myself again. Today is the first day in this week that I haven't felt a huge void or like there's a weight on my shoulders that I'm carrying around, and I'm enjoying the feeling while it lasts.

Just did an online SMART meeting which was great. One thing I took from it is that I have to stay mindful of my thoughts, feelings & behaviours. It's not enough to just tell myself I won't take drugs - I have to actively watch myself to stop relapses before they start!

 

[yubacity]

Rio my brother you are at a very vulnerable place at the moment emotions are fucked you probably not got the physical exhaustion because the subs must be keeping the worse of the physical symptoms away which is good. Keep reminding yourself how much better you feel then you did just 7 days ago and this time next week how much better its gonna be then today. See what happens if you break one of the relapse steps. I know that coke leads to brown for me but I thought if I drink enough that will not leave me edgy after the night is over. That not happen I kind of knew that this may be the case but being honest I knew I had those pods and if the worse happens they would level me out. My problem I can't drink because it leads to coke then with coke you need brown for the end of the night. I broke a relapse rule yesterday and look what happened. But like I say to you after a relapse it happens I took care of it also told my pal here the leftover coke take it yourself I do not want it. If the girls decide they up for staying today he can drink and do the coke himself with the girls. I have had some ribs and chicken marinating since Thursday night I bbq them get a few more bits from Tesco tequila limes and some j20 and lemon fizzy Italian drink which is lovely. If the bird I fucked last night stays tonight it be good i could not cum last night and feel horny as fuck ill just be sticking to weed as I have been for a year. I got the itch going don't feel too bad this a slip. About not keeping pods at home that be hard I will not grab them today I get them tomorrow. I find my mind relaxes when they under the bed the last lot I washed down the sink were there a year and I did not touch them also had a bottle of oramorph there until last week I washed that down the sink. I know it totally goes against the rules of a recovering addict but having some at home It kind of relaxes my mind . Bruv you are feeling good today fucking congratulate yourself, my brother, that 7 days without gear and all the shit that goes with it. See what you doing you going without gear now quite regularly that a huge step bruv a fuck up happens but you snap out of it now and getting back into sobriety. Never downplay your achievements congratulate yourself for what you trying to achieve and always have in the back of your mind the steps your brain takes to relapse all the justifying it does to get the gear it wants not you but the brain an organ your legs are what takes you to a dealer it cant so you in control like i said your brain your enemy at the moment but you in control identify and do what it takes for you to stay clean.

 

[Jabberwocky]

glad you're feeling alright today Rio and starting to feel like yourself and taking positive steps like doing online meetings. and yes you do need to actively watch yourself, though fuck knows how to do that. i've felt myself relapsing and badly not wanted to and still ended up using.

i'm feeling much better too after talking to my boss. my holiday, if its not cancelled due to covid, will be 5 days serious hiking in Tajikistan, which is supposed to be amazing. then i will do sightseeing in Uzbekistan and see Samarkand, Bhukara and Khiva, which are long term bucket list items for me. really want it to go ahead!!!

@yubacity- i see you debating the ethics of using prostitutes with respect to your wife. i'd like to chip in from the perspective of an ex crack whore. the vast vast majority of women who sell their bodies have been horifically sexually abused, that's why they can physically do it, they've learned to switch off mentally as a survival mechanism. in a sense, sleeping with sex workers is a continuation of that abuse, cos trust me it fucks them up when they get clean and stop. at the time i didn't have any other option to make money and was absolutely desparate, and my punters took advantage of that, a lot of them did things that were way out of line, and i had to let them cos i needed the money. i thought it wasn't exploitation cos i was getting what i wanted out of it, enough money to smoke crack almost continuously, but now i can see it was just making it easy for my addiction to get worse and worse. if you continue to sleep with prostitutes, only do things that have been pre agreed, treat them with respect, and stick to the time booked or pay for the extra.